Hi, I think my Mom might have BPD

[Lavandula]

I finally decided to create an account and reach out for some help. I believe my mother may very well have uBPD. I love her very much, so it is hard to say this, but at the same time I feel abused by her. FYI, I grew up in a dysfunctional family, my dad was an alcoholic who tragically died of his disease-he decided to leave the home when I was in middle school and died in 2013. Also, my older sister's relationship with us is very strained, at the very least I have witnessed evidence that her husband is verbally abusive.

The first time a thought entered into my head that my mom might have some sort of personality disorder was when my sister, her husband, and my baby niece came down for what ended up being my dad's last Thanksgiving. My dad, brother and I were eating dinner at a restaurant with them the day after Thanksgiving. My mom hadn't wanted to come and my BIL flat out stated that my mom is a narcissist. It shocked me speechless for a few seconds and I looked at my brother to see if he would say anything, he didn't and the moment awkwardly ended.

I had always known that my mom had done things that had really hurt me, but I didn't believe she could be a narcissist. I decided to look into it through some online research and found Dr. McBride's survey and while I can answer yes to some of the questions, a lot of it didn't seem to fit. Especially when I read that narcissists don't love their children. My mother was very loving to me when I was young and nowadays she tells me through heartfelt cards. She is not very demonstrative though, we rarely hug.

However, during my late teen/college years, I don't know if I would have said that, because I very much felt like her love was very conditional during this time or she didn't love me much at all. There are quite a few things that stand out to me during this time. Probably the biggest thing that happened was I was diagnosed with asthma, which is the exact same thing that happened to her, we both developed it around the same age, early 20s. I first started having shortness of breath at random times and I started telling her about it, but she didn't seem to care much. I have a very specific memory of being in the back of the car and her telling me it was because I didn't clean the house and there was so much dust. It got worse and worse until I finally convinced her I needed to go to the doctor. I had a trial period first where the doctor gave me a short acting inhaler to see how much I would need it and then when he looked at the results he confirmed the diagnosis. I thought this would be a moment when my mom would lovingly help me through adjusting to having this same disease she has. She actually had a severe asthma attack when she was pregnant with my brother, I was five and my father had to call the paramedics and she was taken to the hospital-it was pretty traumatic for me. I thought she would be motherly and guide me through it, but she didn't and I was so disappointed and I had to go through that alone. Later, she would also prevent me from picking up my prescriptions (because I still couldn't drive and needed her to take me) by making me do some chore in order for her to take me to the pharmacy (and pay for it with my money).

A few years later at the end of spring semester at college I had just taken a huge required test for my major and I felt so drained and I ended up getting sick. It was scary sick, I had never been that sick before that I can remember. I just couldn't stop coughing, my appetite vanished, it even infected my eyes, and I will spare you from discussing the rest. It feels like a blur, but she didn't even get me any medicine until I handed her some money and asked her to go get me some. Later, I knew I needed to go to the doctor, my abdominal muscles and head hurt so bad from the constant coughing that I couldn't stand it anymore. And she made me pick up trash off the kitchen floor before she took me, that was the only way she would take me! I still can't believe it to this day. Finally, I was diagnosed with bronchitis and given medicine.

I also believe during this time that I was made into a scapegoat. I am the middle child, with an older sister and younger brother. My diary from that time is full of how mean I felt everyone was to me and I remember how much I would cry. I'm not perfect, but I never caused my mom any ounce of trouble with boys like my sister did. I did amazingly well in school and college and never begged her constantly to buy me things like my brother did. I tried my best to not cause her trouble and make  her proud of me. I have no idea why everyone ganged up on me back then. It abated a lot when my sister left.

My diary is also full of statements like "nothing is ever good enough." At one point I also wrote that I just need to accept that my mom isn't that "motherly" mom that I want and she never will be. I have always just had this feeling that I am not good enough or that what I have accomplished means nothing. I often feel after completing a big chore at home that I haven't really done anything because that was and still is a running record in my life. She could and still does look at me right after I have helped her with something and tell me that I never do anything, that nobody ever helps her. And I am so exhausted of being told that, I feel she is always disappointed in me.

I really decided to join here while reading some articles a few hours ago. While reading the article "Are You Being Gaslighted" on Psychology Today tears started because while I love my mom, I could identify her doing this to me. Because I also wrote in my diary wondering if I am the crazy one. Going all the way back then up until now, she likes to tell me that I have a fantastical view of the world, or I don't view the world the way normal people do, or that I can't see it from her side, or that I have no empathy. And then I wonder, is she right?, maybe I am crazy?

And as much as I care about her, at the same time I wonder if I need to confront this in order to help me move on in life. Unfortunately, I still live with her. (I never thought I would be at this age, but I was never able to get into my field of study after graduating and now am looking at where else I can use my skills).

I know only a doctor would be able to diagnose BPD, but I found a list of characteristics I have seen in or experienced with her-

Blaming-I always feel like she puts everything on me.

Catastrophizing-

Circular Conversations-

Denial-

Emotional Blackmail-

Favoritism-I feel that she favors my brother and spoils him.

Gaslighting-

High Functioning-Friends used to say how great it would be to have a mom like her and I would think "if you only knew."

Projection-I often get a look into her head when she accuses me of bizarre thoughts.

Scapegoating-I was scapegoated.

Self Victimization-

When I was young I remember having the feeling of having to "walk on eggshells" or she would yell at us, but she doesn't yell that much anymore. I also remember I would have a bad feeling if I heard her coming down the stairs. She will tell me what she thinks my thoughts or motivations are, and she is so off it is crazy. She has a very hard time apologizing, the last time she did I remember specifically because she hurt me badly by continually saying that I wouldn't care if she died. She only did so when I asked her to and I can't remember another time she has. Also, she always has to be right.

Thank you so much for reading and any thoughts you may have. I still have this feeling after writing all this that maybe it really is me and it was/is okay for her to do this.

[Theo41]

Lavender, I feel your confusion and emotional pain. I think you are in the right place a can get help here.

This is not a black/white thing. Like I'm ok and she's not or I'm not ok but she is ok. We all are what we are which is a mixture:"there's a little bit of good in the worst of us and a little bit of bad in the best of us." From reading your post I believe you are a very good person. Your Mom may have BPD but that's an illness. Since only medically/psychiatrically trained people can diagnose, many of us will say my_____ has characteristics of BPD.

I read the book "stop walking on eggshells." there's a questionair in there that made it clear to me that my wife , despite her many wonderful traits, has most of the characteristics of BPD.

She believes or states emphatically "There's nothing wrong with me. " so she's not going to get a diagnosis or treatment. So what's left to do? I work on me and my life. I have many enjoyable activities and friends. And I have established boundries which enable me to remove myself from sick and hurtful situations when they develop or before they develop. So despite the fact that my life partner has issues, I manage to live a full and enjoyable life. I hope and believe  u can find the tools and help here that you need. All best. THEO

[clljhns]

  Lavender ,

I am so glad that you have found us, and I want to join Theo41 in welcoming you to the BPD family!

I am so sorry to hear of your painful experiences with your mom. To not get you medical help when you clearly needed it, is certainly an uncaring act, and must have hurt you deeply.

Now that you are here, have you read the Survivor's Guide, located on the right of this board? When I first came to realize that my mom was uBPD, I didn't have the resources available to help me understand how to help myself. I am glad that we know live in an age of technology where anyone can have access to the tools needed to heal from a BPDparent.

Let us know how we can help and how you are doing.

All the best.  

[Pou]

sounds like she does... .from your description.  One thing I have to say is that as I have kids now and it is hard to walk away from a PD relationship due to children involved.  It is at some point about self preservation.  Keep in mind, divorce has lots of legal and financial burdens that associate with the process.  Sometimes, when a partner is being abused due to PD... .I think there may not be a choice, but to get out ASAP just for self preservation.  For example, I know of a relationship where the mom has NPD and very manipulative ... .she essentially made her daughters to believe that their dad has alcoholic issues and etc.  Everything she says and do for "him" was really all about her.  And she flip flops and lots of times she puts up a front and then do and say negative things and then they all come out ... .and then she refuse to take responsibilities of what she said.  Essentially, she molted one of her daughter to be a NPD (or genetics?).  Dad is quiet and caring... .but not expressive.  Essentially, he silently too the abuse for years and got good dose of PD not knowing what he was taking in.  He eventually left the house and lived in another state (claim for job reason), they stay apart for years.  This is the story of my NPDw parents.  So I want you to know that if you feel abandoned at all by your dad, you need to trace the root ... .it is maybe your BPD mother who drove him away.  Not say to blame her ... .but for your heeling ... .you probably wonder why he left and simply thought that he was an alcoholic.  Maybe he was, but was that all the reason?  There are many alcoholics stay in family ... .  Having to go through these PD first hand, I have to tell you it is very attempting to just get up and leave.  It is like constantly being pounded with lots of drama, invalidation, demeaning languages, no support, flip-flop decisions, blaming and living in a prison ... .in return, PDs switch it all around and blame you exactly every crimes they committed against you that were committed by you to them.  Very weird... .they don't seek for solutions, but they want to "confuse you" and then "conquer" your soul.  For no good reason, because everyone loses in this.  Good that you start to consider the possibility that your mother is a PD, because this may lead to find explanations of many unexplanables... .such as in my case.  Took me good 10 plus years really to figure out my wife is NPD.  Once I start to accept it... .puzzles start to fall into pieces.  I still feel the pain everyday, but at least I know what I am dealing with.  Good luck.

[Lavandula]

Thanks everyone for welcoming me.   I am indeed glad I found this place, your words give me hope. I will definitely use the Survivors Guide and I also already found a free book on the site. I wanted to make sure that I was pretty sure what she has traits of before I purchased any books so that I would get the correct information.

I read something about how borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality disorders are on a spectrum so I am thinking there must be degrees of the disorder since some people can be extremely abusive and others less so.

And just a note about my dad, he definitely was an alcoholic, and that does overshadow the entire divorce, but I do remember them fighting. Also, my mom did help me do my best to get him all the help I could in the months before he died. She definitely does have her good moments, which is why it's all been so confusing to me.

Thanks again

[Pou]

Thanks everyone for welcoming me.   I am indeed glad I found this place, your words give me hope. I will definitely use the Survivors Guide and I also already found a free book on the site. I wanted to make sure that I was pretty sure what she has traits of before I purchased any books so that I would get the correct information.

I read something about how borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality disorders are on a spectrum so I am thinking there must be degrees of the disorder since some people can be extremely abusive and others less so.

And just a note about my dad, he definitely was an alcoholic, and that does overshadow the entire divorce, but I do remember them fighting. Also, my mom did help me do my best to get him all the help I could in the months before he died. She definitely does have her good moments, which is why it's all been so confusing to me.

Thanks again

The good moments you described, that is why so hard to accept it.  In my case, my NPDw, if you see the "good" is solely for self serving purposes and often the PDs really don't have a sense of "self" so they also anticipate what others would want them to do and be.  They can not last with because that is not within their character, so they flip-flop ... .and that causes confusion and lots of pain.  Especially if your dad was an alcoholic, most likely he was also depressed.  Imagine to be with someone one moment that you think you can trust and next moment they take a knife and stab you on your back.  Just imagine the high and low that creates for a normal person and let alone someone who is depressed already.  You need to have a healthy boundary.  Because you will go through that roller-coaster.  I have gone through it and at first it all made no sense... .and then once you accept it is a character flaw, for me then that starts to make sense.  Don't be fooled by the good, and it is not about hating, it is about protecting yourself.  Be understanding that somehow their brains are wired in a such way that becomes their character.  Unless you are trained professional with years of experience and research and somehow detached from the person completely, the hurt will keep on coming as long as you are related to this person.  In this case, she is your mother, so the best defense in this case is education and it sounds like you are on the right path.  Good luck.

[oceaneyes]

Hi Lavandula 

So much of what you wrote resonated with me. I went most of my life thinking that how my mother was acting was normal and that there must be something wrong with me. It wasn't until someone mentioned personality disorders to me that I really started doing some research. It can be a very painful reality to face.

I would recommend the following books (both can be found on Amazon):

• Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

• Understanding the Borderline Mother

They were painful to read, but so enlightening. I found it extremely empowering to finally be validated and to begin to believe that I'm not the crazy one. Trust me, you're not the crazy one!

I hope you find peace!

[manitoumoon]

Hi Lavandula,

I'm new here as well. A lot of the things you listed, I have also gone through what you have gone through: Blaming, Circular Conversations and CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS, Denial, Emotional Blackmail, Favoritism, BIG TIME Gaslighting, High Functioning (I almost want to punch people when they say "awww, what do you mean? You mom seems SO nice?"... . GRRRRRRR... .

As I type this, I'm in the middle of one of my Mom's ":)ark Periods" as I call them. Her moods can change day to day, minute to minute but about every 3 months, she itches for a BIG BLOW OUT. That's what I'm in the middle of now. I refuse to call her. I'm tying to distance myself. My sister is no good, because she's taking advantage of the situation for her own gain (and reports back to my mom anything I say). So I rely on close friends, but even then, they only can understand a bit of what I'm going through. So I try not to talk to them about it. I almost feel like I'M THE CRAZY one if I describe some of the things she does to me because sometimes they are so UNREAL. So I don't talk much about it. Sadly, my Dad who was my best friend, passed away years ago. So he's not here anymore to lean on.

I know what it feels like to be confused, alone, sad and wishing why I wasn't given a good mother? Why was I dealt this hand? I guess some questions might as well not be asked because there aren't any answers. But you aren't alone. Take care. Here if you need to vent.

[Thread]

I'm so sorry you have gone through this tough time with your mother! I recently have discovered my husband is BPD and the funny thing is with my therapy we talk about the similar traits he has with my mother, this I married my mother.

When you write about your mom, the negativity toward you, the nothing is ever good enough and always disappointed it really tugged at my heart strings. I have always felt the same. My mother has convinced all my dad and my two sisters to be in therapy for our anxiety disorders. But has never gone once. When I was burned out during college working two part time jobs and trying to succeed in school I burned out. I did it because she had told me I needed to prove I deserved to be in college. Even though a 3.95gpa and distinguished honors wasn't enough plus working 24 hours my senior year of high school  when I went home instead of being a good mom she convinced me I was bipolar. I went to a crazy psychiatrist who put me on drugs for people who see or hear things that are not there. I ended up in the hospital with a nurse bent down under me staying, "you are on a highly toxic level of drugs that are meant for people who hear voices." I got off immediately and my primary doctor looked at my mom and said, "she is not bipolar."

Long story short. She has never been in therapy and even recently has inquired to all my siblings info have a sexual addiction. They all scoffed having been with well over ten individuals and me having not. I confronted her and asked why she always saw me in such a negative light compared to my sisters. Why I was always this messed up individual. She said she didn't know. I said you should get help, her response is that she would do therapy with me. As I have learned in therapy and reading it's best for the BPD to go alone or they will use the session to try to have it be all about the other person in the room. They need to be alone to focus on them. Another opinion I've had is that the BPD will go to get help for a oerosn they want to not leave them, but are they truly going to seek their own help. Most of the times no. They need to want help themselves or it doesn't change. My husband goes for me right now, he doesn't think he has the problems it's me. But what my therapist and I are looking for is consistency and Kim term weekly help. She said 90 days people go back to their normal routine, 6 months their normal behavior comes back or will start to change depending on if the therapy is working. My husband having not been in therapy hit all those times on the head it was bliss for the first three months until the BPD behaviors started up again. And 5 months and the BPD behavior was back to when we had separated. Now he's in therapy. we will see in 6 months.

As far as your mom. Telling her she's BPD won't be good. If you read stop walking on eggshells it will tell you the shot from the hips is not the best way. You can tell Her how it's made you feel, but again just know she will probably not feel bad or show empathy. Just know if you express the things it's for your own sanity, but will probably not have the response you will hope for. Defense and self preservation is always what results. This may just turn into a no win battle of whos right or wrong.

A lot of the articles on this site have good advice people keep linking me in. I'm new as well and have found comfort in this place and support! It's even just helped me to feel less crazy or as it seems  both our moms do make us believe we must be the messed up ones! My therapist has also said with the PwBPD what they think of themselves they will push off onto you. Like for example I love you really means I want you to love me and tell me you love me. Or you're crazy and bitter it's i am angry and bitter. It's sick and it's confusing as all hell!

[knockitoff]

It's uncanny but I could've written a lot of what you wrote. It made me cry when I read it. The bad feeling when you heard her coming down the stairs, the walking on eggshells, the feeling that you are the crazy one, the conditional love, the Jekyll and Hyde behavior, the feeling that nothing is ever good enough, the weird behavior around illnesses, all of it. The good news is you have a name for it now, you've "named the puppy" as my therapist says. Now you can piece yourself back together. I'm in my late thirties and I've only just named the puppy 3 years ago. Even now I still occasionally say to myself, "but what if YOU are the crazy one?" and I have to stop and pull that thought out of my brain. It's just a conditioned response from a lifetime of abuse and gas lighting and circular arguments that go nowhere. One thing I've been working on recently is the intense grief I feel from knowing I'll never have a mother I can confide in or trust with my life. It's a very sad thing to realize that for good, even though I'd always suspected it. Sometimes I just need to have a good cry, and I say out loud, "It's just so SAAAD," and weep into a pillow. And that is a fact that must be accepted; I cannot change it. Another thing I have to work on is keeping my mother and her illness a bit compartmentalized, and almost treating her like she has cancer or something. Her mental illness wasn't her choice, she is a howling void and in great pain deep down, and her sick behavior reflects that and it's not her fault. She has no idea how to act otherwise because she lacks self-awareness entirely. However, I have to protect myself and recognize when her illness is making ME ill. I have to arm myself with tools to deflect her sick and diseased behavior and keep it out of my and my family's life. Another difficulty I've had my whole life is determining what is reality and true and normal, and I continue to work on this too, as well as rebuilding my self-esteem after a lifetime of abuse. I'd also like to say this: I still love the good parts of my mother, (and she has many,) but I'm unwilling to destroy myself any further because of the horrific abuse her illness inflicted on my sister and me.

[Lavandula]

Wow, these responses have really "helped" me in that I don't feel alone. I think finally realizing that my mom has an illness is bringing up a lot of stuff, which is probably normal, and I am going through some sort of initial realization stage of beginning to heal.

Thanks oceaneyes, I will probably be buying those books soon. Sorry about your dad manitoumoon, it is hard to lose a parent, but I am glad you found this place too. Hanging, that is awful what happened to you because of your mom, sorry that happened to you. I hope your husband will really work to get better. Wow knockitoff, I really resonate with your post as well. I sometimes just need to have a good cry also. Your last sentence puts it well so succinctly.

Thanks again, so glad to know we aren't alone in figuring it out anymore