Question about dBPDh's way to start fights

[hergestridge]

Now, I'm not saying he was wrong. In fact, I think he's on to something. I am always worried about screwing up, messing anything up, etc. So, subconsciously, because I know I'm clumsy, I probably DO drop things because I over think it. However, the WAY he starts out these things hurts my feelings, or it puts me on the defensive to where I don't want to hear what he is saying.

I think this is interesting, especially coming from someone who lives with a BPD partner. I can relate to this exactly, but from the perspective of the non trying to talk to the BPD person. In our case the reason it turned into a twenty minute episode that just seemed to escalade was that my BPD partner did exactly what you tell here - shut down, become defensive - not because of what I say but because of the supposed "tone" of what I say. You even mention in the text that your partner is mainly frustrated with your parents who raised you this way, not you. He is also frustrated with you inability to change although you seem to be aware of the problem. Then he becomes even more frustrated when you seem unable to listen because he got upset.

Then of course you can't change the way someone hold a bowl - but that's another story. 

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[ColdEthyl]

*nods* It IS interesting. It's a common enough communication problem between two people. The difference is when dealing with a pwBPD, the message is  received, but usually received and ran through a BPD filter that picks apart what you have said, and applies negative context about them in it. In this case, his message was delivered 'faulty'. He likes to do these conversations starting with an attack, but want to come in at the end and 'save me'.

To me, it seems like he pushes me in the river, then wants to dive in and save me. Then, he expects a pat on the back for it.

It's also possible that I am rushing to judgement, and I need to just listen fully to get his entire message. The way it comes out is distorted, probably not out of malice, but just out of not knowing exactly how to say it. His thoughts tend to get jumbled when he's excited.

Being with my husband has taught me a lot about myself already, and I'm sure to learn more. I did not know I was co-dependent, I did not know I was so harshly critical of others, and I did not know how badly my anxiety could effect my mood or my view of events. I am very thankful for this site and the people on it who share their viewpoints. It really helps me understand myself and my husband better

@hergestridge your observation makes me wonder... . and I have read others here with the same fear... . am I also displaying BPD traits? Or does it just sort of 'splash' on us?

[OffRoad]

@hergestridge your observation makes me wonder... . and I have read others here with the same fear... . am I also displaying BPD traits? Or does it just sort of 'splash' on us?

I'm not hergestridge, but I believe it could be either/or. If my H doesn't dysregulate, I'm rarely upset. I just roll along with life as it is. But when he does, he keeps upping the ante to find some way to get me angry. He does not seem to be able to calm down until he does so (It's why I leave if I have the presence of mind to do so, before it gets really bad). But if I get to the point where I am yelling back at him, I begin to think I have the problem especially since I feel like garbage for falling for it (again... . ).

It seems like if he feels bad, he has to make me feel bad in order to feel good. If that happens to you, it's no wonder nons begin to feel like they have BPD traits.

[ColdEthyl]

@Offroad I don't have that problem so much, my H has been really good about not picking fights lately. When I notice he's trying to, I call him out on it and he stops. But, I think his paranoia makes me more paranoid, and since I already have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) I think the BPD makes it worse as well. I think his BPD traits just sort of 'feed' some of my issues.

[waverider]

Being a chameleon is a survival trait. Like it or not we do mirror the behavior of those around us to some degree. Particularly if we are not educated enough to see it for what it is.

After all is it not the definition of normal? Its just the sample size that is giving skewed results. What is the normal in a household of pwBPD compared to household of nons... .?