20,000 Facebook messages later

[Depression = 72% of members]

I had a relationship with a woman who I now realize was BPD. It was mostly a long distance relationship sustained over 8 months mostly through Facebook and 20,000 text messages. I met her and spent 4 days with her in July, 2014, then the rest of the relationship went online except for a 3 day visit in March. I am married with a 12 year old child and resisted this person for months because although I am not happy in the marriage I also knew an affair was the wrong way to go. From the moment we met in person I was bombarded with text messages via Facebook; it was the classic infatuation stage and I was overwhelmed by the attention and the high I got; my ego got so pumped up by this person. But I always tried to resist her because something always felt a little off about all this attention, and because I knew I'd never leave my daughter to be with this woman. We don't live in the same country so I was fortunate that physical contact with this person was almost impossible but the fantasy life that got created in our virtual world was very destructive to me emotionally. It was also destructive to me emotionally because at the same time that I was falling for this woman, she began to exhibit the hallmark BPD traits, the control and manipulation, fears of abandonment, splitting, pursuing other men while trying to keep me close, rage, twisted logic, inscrutable memes and status updates. I ended the relationship two weeks ago after multiple failed attempts at letting her down easy and except for some checking in on her Facebook wall and Instagram, I have maintained NC; by accident today I opened Facebook and saw her in my feed which set me reeling again, like it ripped the scab right off.  I am shocked at how powerful a hold this woman has on me even though we only spent about a week in person together and never slept together. I shudder to think how I might feel today if I had let things progress to that point because she is physically very attractive to me; I did fly to see her in March for 3 days, but nothing happened physically, it's like all that sexual swagger she showed toward me online dried up when I arrived. Obviously I can't even look at her online, and I've tried to scrub my entire environment of all things that might trigger my memory of her but how does one heal from such a deep emotional wound?  Even seeing an airplane in the sky triggers pangs of sadness, guilt and shame. Any suggestions out there?

[Dunder]

I had a relationship with a woman who I now realize was BPD. It was mostly a long distance relationship sustained over 8 months mostly through Facebook and 20,000 text messages. I met her and spent 4 days with her in July, 2014, then the rest of the relationship went online except for a 3 day visit in March. I am married with a 12 year old child and resisted this person for months because although I am not happy in the marriage I also knew an affair was the wrong way to go. From the moment we met in person I was bombarded with text messages via Facebook; it was the classic infatuation stage and I was overwhelmed by the attention and the high I got; my ego got so pumped up by this person. But I always tried to resist her because something always felt a little off about all this attention, and because I knew I'd never leave my daughter to be with this woman. We don't live in the same country so I was fortunate that physical contact with this person was almost impossible but the fantasy life that got created in our virtual world was very destructive to me emotionally. It was also destructive to me emotionally because at the same time that I was falling for this woman, she began to exhibit the hallmark BPD traits, the control and manipulation, fears of abandonment, splitting, pursuing other men while trying to keep me close, rage, twisted logic, inscrutable memes and status updates. I ended the relationship two weeks ago after multiple failed attempts at letting her down easy and except for some checking in on her Facebook wall and Instagram, I have maintained NC; by accident today I opened Facebook and saw her in my feed which set me reeling again, like it ripped the scab right off.  I am shocked at how powerful a hold this woman has on me even though we only spent about a week in person together and never slept together. I shudder to think how I might feel today if I had let things progress to that point because she is physically very attractive to me; I did fly to see her in March for 3 days, but nothing happened physically, it's like all that sexual swagger she showed toward me online dried up when I arrived. Obviously I can't even look at her online, and I've tried to scrub my entire environment of all things that might trigger my memory of her but how does one heal from such a deep emotional wound?  Even seeing an airplane in the sky triggers pangs of sadness, guilt and shame. Any suggestions out there?

[Confused?]

Are you in the middle of a divorce?

[Dunder]

Are you in the middle of a divorce?

Confused?, No, I'm not in the middle of a divorce. Although my marriage is not great, I want to stay and make it work at least long enough until my daughter is out of the house. My relationship with a woman with BPD was a huge distraction (gross understatement) to my working on the marriage. It was definitely an emotional affair, but I guess I limited the damage by not sleeping with this pwBPD. Still, breaking it off with her stirred up a lot of feelings of guilt at having somehow fulfilled her fears of abandonment as well as feelings of loss at having lost a person who made me, at least initially, feel so good about myself. I am now feeling gullible for having fallen for her and ashamed given my marital/parental status. 

[Technique]

Advice? Focus on your daughter, otherwise you will have more guilt on your shoulders when you get older. The more you channel your energies into BPD woman the less you will into your offspring. As priorities go I assume your daughter is more important than her, or any misguided 'guilt' you're currently experiencing?