My letter to her.

[Reecer1588]

Dear XXXX,

I wanted you to know that these have been the hardest months of my life. Losing you, not being a part of your life anymore, it hurts me beyond anything I could ever convey to you. The truth of the matter is that I can't imagine leading a life that doesn't have you in it. I would not describe these past couple of months as "living," I would call it just existing. If there would be anything I could tell you, it is that don't you ever think for even one second no one can ever love you, or that there is no one who cares. There is someone, a certain guy, who cares about you with every fiber of his being. That person, of course, is me. I am willing to be your rock. I am willing to be there for you, no matter what. You are so important to me. I want to be there for you. There is no one on this Earth who cares about you more than I care. There is no one on this Earth who is more willing to listen to you than

Me. It kills me every single day of my life that you froze me out of your life. I am always going to be there for you, but I know this isn't up to me, I understand that I can't

Make you reach out to me. But know I'll always be here.

reece

[Reecer1588]

I am not sending this letter due to the threat of legal action if I try and contact her.

[cosmonaut]

That's a very sweet letter, Reecer.  I'm sorry you are in so much pain, man.  I've told you before, but my ex did something similar to me in cutting me out of her life.  It still hurts and I still miss her too.

I think writing down your thoughts and feelings is a great idea.  That can be very helpful, and I wrote a letter to my ex that I never sent her either after she told me so coldly to not contact her anymore.  It told her all the things that I wish I could have said to her.  All the many things left unsaid.  It helped.  Sometimes writing things down can make them more real.

Keep expressing yourself and keep exploring your emotions.  That's a very positive quality in you that you are so in touch with your inner emotional life.  I think it will ultimately serve you well in healing from this.  We need to be able to identify what we are feeling and uncover the root reasons that we are feeling it.  For many of us, that goes back into our past before we ever met our ex - often to childhood.  For example, I've come to learn just how deeply my uNPD mother affected me, and how she shaped the very way that I see love and relationships.  How she primed me in many ways for a relationship with other personality disorders.  Keep exploring all of that, and it will pay dividends.

[valet]

Totally sharing your sentiments here, man.

The big thing, I think, is to understand the difference between having her in your life and having an unhealthy and unreasonable hope that you two can be together again. It is a big boundary to establish, but if we all manage to do is correctly it can pay big dividends.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Reecer,

Agree w/cosmonaut.  There is value in putting down your feelings in a letter that you never intend to send.  Even if there was no threat of legal action, I would discourage you from sending the letter.  Instead, maybe you could look at the letter as if a friend wrote it, and try to figure out what advice you would give to that friend.

I'm with Cos about exploring the sources of your feelings, which predate your r/s with your Ex:

We need to be able to identify what we are feeling and uncover the root reasons that we are feeling it.  For many of us, that goes back into our past before we ever met our ex - often to childhood.  

Acknowledging and recognizing your feelings allows you to move past them.

LuckyJim

[Reecer1588]

How do I feel?

I feel like there exists a tightening vine spiked with thorns inside my mind. I feel a constant, unrelenting (except when playing basketball or engaging in thoroughly distracting activities) constricting pressure in my head.

People ask me all the time, Reece How did you lose 33 pounds? I wish I could and if I were to answer truthfully, the answer would be

the love of my life left me, I find no solace in anything I do. I only find distraction in athletics. but I just answer "basketball."

As a child I went through years of isolation and loneliness due to bullying by school staff and teachers. I thought that would surely be the hardest thing in my life.

That does not hold a pinprick compared to this.

___________ I love you so much. ___________ I would do anything for you. If I could just somehow get it through your thick head that there is no one on this earth who cares about you so unconditionally as me.

Day to day life is a struggle. Your memories haunt my dreams, your memories haunt my days, your memories haunt every cell of my body.

What do you feel on the inside, ___________?

What do you feel towards me?

Have you forgotten about me? Am I dead to you?

Has it ever even occurred to you that there is no one on this Earth who will love you the way I do? There is no one who would take the time to listen to every single word you had to say, like me?

Do you know the hurt you put me through?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Reecer, Instead of focusing on the things that you want HER to do, perhaps you could change your focus to the things that YOU can do.  For example, you want her to acknowledge your feelings, your pain, your loyalty, your devotion, etc.  I don't know your situation, but these may be unrealistic expectations and, in any event, are completely out of your control.  On the other hand, you do have control over you and your own life.  What are the things that you can do to alleviate your stress?  How can you be good to yourself?  What can you learn so that this doesn't happen again?  Perhaps you can start by trying to learn to love yourself, which sounds easy but is hard.  LuckyJim

[Invictus01]

People ask me all the time, Reece How did you lose 33 pounds? I wish I could and if I were to answer truthfully, the answer would be

the love of my life left me, I find no solace in anything I do. I only find distraction in athletics. but I just answer "basketball."

Join the club. I didn't have 33 lbs to lose but I lost close to 20.  This past weekend I went to visit some friends who haven't seen me since a couple of weeks after all this went down. When people saw me the response ranged from ":)ude, you look great, awesome weight loss!" to ":)id you get sick or something?" I blamed it on my insane weight lifting schedule and running over the past few months. (I'm in the gym at 5 am before work and then for an hour or two after work or put up 6-10 miles running) That part was true. I mean, they didn't really need to know that the reason I am in the gym at 5 am is because ever since the whole thing went down, I just can't sleep for longer than 4-6 hours/night.

As far as the letter, good to put all that on paper and express it all, bad to send out. Glad you didn't send it, man.

[DyingLove]

Dear XXXX,

I wanted you to know that these have been the hardest months of my life. Losing you, not being a part of your life anymore, it hurts me beyond anything I could ever convey to you. The truth of the matter is that I can't imagine leading a life that doesn't have you in it. I would not describe these past couple of months as "living," I would call it just existing. If there would be anything I could tell you, it is that don't you ever think for even one second no one can ever love you, or that there is no one who cares. There is someone, a certain guy, who cares about you with every fiber of his being. That person, of course, is me. I am willing to be your rock. I am willing to be there for you, no matter what. You are so important to me. I want to be there for you. There is no one on this Earth who cares about you more than I care. There is no one on this Earth who is more willing to listen to you than

Me. It kills me every single day of my life that you froze me out of your life. I am always going to be there for you, but I know this isn't up to me, I understand that I can't

Make you reach out to me. But know I'll always be here.

reece

Beautiful Letter!  No two ways about it.  WOULD she crumble it up?  My ex threw away cards that were precious to me... . just like they were friggin junk mail!  Bit*h!   So heartless.  God has a place for her... .

[dagwoodbowser]

Reecer, I'm sure you're prob familiar with my story as our exchanges have crossed paths. I'm sure that your anxious and likely want another chance, another recycle if you will. I actually sent a letter or two like your's. At first it was ignored, but after my Replacement(s) didn't work out I left myself open and vulnerable to "allowing" her to waltz in and out of my life... . 4 times! Imagine if you will how you are feeling right now... .magnify that by 10 or a 100 times. Each failed recycle flutters away faster and faster as you both chase after what can never be because at the time it was happening it was about 2 half empty individuals temporarily becoming whole. My initial illusion lasted an entire year until she simply said that she was bored? She was so used to drama, chaos and fighting and I was just too chill. Thereafter, I would walk away and after 90 days she would re-appear. The recycle would last about 4 months and then Bam! She would find someone and then after 3-4 months come back to tell me how I was the only one who ever loved her or understood her. This very last one was way too much for me and almost cost me my life. In the end, you will do what your emotions or heart will tell you. I am now on day 35 N/C. Do I want to reach out or have her in my orbit? Yes, I do. My feelings are that strong, but because I was willing to almost lose my life and thanx to the discovery of this place, BPD Family, I am able to see the same stories, the same outcomes, the same pain and devastation over and over. So, each day that passes is sometimes an eternity. However, I know deep in my heart and soul that what I had with her will never be again and I daily remind myself that it was a great ride but it's time to walk away.

[DyingLove]

Reecer, I'm sure you're prob familiar with my story as our exchanges have crossed paths. I'm sure that your anxious and likely want another chance, another recycle if you will. I actually sent a letter or two like your's. At first it was ignored, but after my Replacement(s) didn't work out I left myself open and vulnerable to "allowing" her to waltz in and out of my life... . 4 times! Imagine if you will how you are feeling right now... .magnify that by 10 or a 100 times. Each failed recycle flutters away faster and faster as you both chase after what can never be because at the time it was happening it was about 2 half empty individuals temporarily becoming whole. My initial illusion lasted an entire year until she simply said that she was bored? She was so used to drama, chaos and fighting and I was just too chill. Thereafter, I would walk away and after 90 days she would re-appear. The recycle would last about 4 months and then Bam! She would find someone and then after 3-4 months come back to tell me how I was the only one who ever loved her or understood her. This very last one was way too much for me and almost cost me my life. In the end, you will do what your emotions or heart will tell you. I am now on day 35 N/C. Do I want to reach out or have her in my orbit? Yes, I do. My feelings are that strong, but because I was willing to almost lose my life and thanx to the discovery of this place, BPD Family, I am able to see the same stories, the same outcomes, the same pain and devastation over and over. So, each day that passes is sometimes an eternity. However, I know deep in my heart and soul that what I had with her will never be again and I daily remind myself that it was a great ride but it's time to walk away.

[SLOW CLAP]  Excellent Dagwoodbowser!  10 or 100 times?  No thanks!  1X is hard enuff.

No contact is the way to go. March 15th was actually the last day I spoke to her.  So today makes:  32 days!   I wanna jump up and down AND I wanna cry that I have to be happy about not talking to the woman I love.  Such a ball of confusion.  Sometimes it is minute by minute getting by during the day... . day by day is an eternity at times.  I feel like I can detach my face when I start choking up... . it's like a layer of tears and grief.  I hate when people catch me being like that.  I feel so weak.