Introduction

[Saro]

My daughter is twenty-something and has been housebound 6 years or so. Before that she was hospitalized a few times for self-harming actions (parasuicide?) that she did not intend as suicide but that endangered her health or even could have killed her. It has been years since the last incident.

She has been working hard to get herself out of the house. Making it more difficult are chronic abdominal pain and nausea, which may have stemmed from excessive antibiotics for chronic ear infections as a child. She has made sensible plans for getting better, but always there seems to be something that blows up and then she takes months to recover.

Ever since last winter holidays there have been a series of upsets and severed connections, the last being a row with her sister, whom she now considers lost to her. She is in rough shape, but has set a goal of June for being able to go back to a trusted therapist. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize her success, but I've already given in to demands I don't think are right, and that I worry may cause her harm in the long run.

I look forward to learning from all you folks' experiences. Thank you for listening and sharing.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Crumbling]

Hi, Saro


Welcome to BPD Family!  I'm glad you've found us.  

Has your daughter been diagnosed with BPD?  There are a number of parents on this site, who have been through an awful lot, as I'm sure you have.  If you look down the page, you will see there is a board specifically for parents.  If you post there you will be with people of similar circumstances.

My daughter cut herself for a while as a teenager.  She's twenty-four now on her own and doing well.  The high school environment coupled with being new to the area, and the raging hormone thing I think, took it's tole on her in those years.  I remember well the anguish I felt when I discovered what she was doing.  It's a terrible feeling.  I'm here, on this site tho, because I'm married to a man with BPD.  This site has really helped me get through some tough times, and I hope it will do the same for you.

It sounds like you are worried about enabling her, or supporting her bad behaviours.  We've had many discussion on that very topic here, so there's lot of experience to draw from.  It's not easy navigating around mental illnesses, and we all need all the support we can get, but sometimes that support may be in a form that makes things worse and not better.  But it sounds like you recognize that already.

Thanks for the intro, and the glimpse into your situation.  Please feel free to post again.


Crumbsy

[lbjnltx]

Hi Saro,

We are glad you are here and looking for ways to improve things for your daughter.  I'm sorry to learn that she is suffering so much and doesn't leave your home.  This must be so stressful to know how to deal with. 

Crumbling sums up how I see your concern about what to do and how to do it.  It is hard to discern what's enabling and what is realistic regarding our choices and responses to our disordered kids.  The most basic answer I have is to hold them accountable to do for themselves what they are capable of doing.  That is different for each person.  Your daughter may not be capable now and with some therapy she can be capable later.  Change is usually very slow and often not linear.  We are in it for the long haul.

Here is some info that may help you understand how to begin to sort this out: Lesson 1:  Be Aware of the Emotional Limitations of BPD

I look forward to learning more about you and your life with your daughter so I can support you.

lbjnltx

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Saro & I'd like to join Crumbling and lbjnltx in welcoming you to this site... .There are so many of us parents who know exactly what you are going through, and how tough it is to see our child being tormented by their BPD into not living the life we know they deserve. We really do understand 

Ever since last winter holidays there have been a series of upsets and severed connections, the last being a row with her sister, whom she now considers lost to her. She is in rough shape, but has set a goal of June for being able to go back to a trusted therapist. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize her success, but I've already given in to demands I don't think are right, and that I worry may cause her harm in the long run.

I'm sorry she had a set-back over the last several months; my own adult (38) son was diagnosed with BPD in April 2013, and there have been several years of his being estranged from his younger brother--some were instigated by him, some by his brother. Most times he felt that there would never be a relationship with his brother again, but I can tell you that they have figured it out and are on speaking terms as of now... .

I think it's great that your daughter has a desire to see her trusted Therapist again, and setting a goal for June is good for her--try to be just supportive of that goal but not too excited or verbal about it if possible. Sometimes our child with BPD feels the pressure of pleasing us as "too much" and will then back off of their goals in order to not disappoint us one more time. At least, my son has been like that. Have you had the chance to read the links to the right-hand side of this page yet? Every one of them will give you a great primer on how your daughter's mind works, and why she behaves the way she does.

How is she doing now? What demands have you given in to, that make you fear that you may have jeopardized her recovery? Please don't be too hard on yourself, Saro... .Everything we do for our child is in love, and sometimes we do something that, in retrosprect, was not perfect, but we are not perfect beings... .especially under the stress that comes from parenting a troubled child.

When you read the links I mentioned--and make sure you check out the Parenting Board's Feature Articles (Here, and also under the 4 photos at the top of the Parenting Board's thread listing page)--you'll learn how to deal with your daughter in a way that helps you and her, better. I know that learning the TOOLS and THE LESSONS truly helped me help my son, who is doing very well these days.

Please let us know how things are going, and read all you can on this site... .Ask your questions and continue to tell us your story; it really will help 

[livednlearned]

Hi Saro,

I wanted to join the others in welcoming you. Is your daughter feeling that the stomach pains and nausea are from many antibiotics? Or is this what doctors are suggesting? My son used to express his feelings through somatic complaints like stomach aches, fatigue, and headaches. I believe he was feeling bad, and I also think he felt safer expressing his emotional pain as body pain. He has come a long way, learning other skills to communicate how he's feeling.

Does your daughter feel abandoned when you left the house while she's homebound? How are the two of you doing in terms of autonomy and independence? It can be very challenging to establish healthy boundaries. My son began to have suicidal ideation at age 8, and I'm just realizing now (he's 13), how this has crippled me, and made me worry to the point of enabling him, although with help from friends here and therapy I have been able to bring a lot of self-awareness so that S13 is more willing to do things for himself. I can't say enough about validation -- and patience! I try to count in my head when I feel the urge to rescue and fix things for S13. Often, when I wait, he comes up with a solution on his own, and seeing him experience confidence as he learns to manage his own problems is what keeps me sticking to the program.

Keep posting. It really does help. People here understand what you're going through and have a lot of insight to share.



LnL