Needing help, advice, understanding

[sparklering]

Hi there. Sorry this introduction probably all seems a bit long. I've never really typed it all out like this before. I really hope someone can give me some advice or encouragement.

I'm new here. I really hope I might be able to find some advice and understanding. I've sought it elsewhere in my life, amongst friends and family, but I feel that many of my friends are starting to lose patience with me, so I minimize how I'm feeling, or they don't quite understand the extent of what I'm dealing with and how it' affecting me.

I suspect that my partner has BPD. He isn't diagnosed, but when we met he did warn me that he had 'bipolar', and several of his friends also told me this fact, but as far as I'm aware he's never been to a doctor about mental health issues or had any kind of diagnosis. I suspect that he has BPD rather than bipolar, because three separate members of my friends and family who work in mental health have told me that's what it sounds like when I discussed some of the issues. I was also seeing a psychologist for anxiety related to the relationship a while ago, and he said the same and recommended some books, all of which completely resonated with my experience. However I'm also very wary of making 'amateur diagnosis' and I worry that just suspecting BPD may be worse than not knowing anything, because perhaps I'll be excusing behaviour that I wouldn't otherwise, or explaining it away to myself in the wrong ways, or perhaps reacting differently. I just feel like I"m going mad and don't know which way to turn.

My partner isn't violent, and he doesn't tend to shout or insult me. I guess the hardest thing for me is the idealization/devaluation thing. Sometimes he is the most loving and affectionate and attentive partner I've ever had in my life. We have such a laugh together as well, and we have lots of interests in common, and we've had some great adventures. When he's in a good mood, we'll talk on the computer or phone several times a day and meet a few times a week, and go on short breaks together. He has said that he loves me, that he appreciates how well I deal with how difficult he is sometimes, and that he wants us to stay together. But then out of the blue he will switch on me, saying he wants to split up, that the relationship isn't working, or he will just start ignoring my calls for days or weeks on end, cancelling arrangements and so on. There was one point at which he was splitting up with me several times a week for months on end. But if I ever accepted the breakup and attempt to cut contact, he would be back in contact apologizing, and saying that he's mad and that he loves me and is sorry.

These chaotic periods seem to last a few months. We'll be off and on and off and on again, always at his discretion. We're in our fourth year together and it always comes at the same time of year, I've begun to really dread this time of year.

We used to live together, but I moved out after one time when he split from me. I thought he really meant it that time, in fact I find it hard not to take it seriously, even though I know it happens so often and usually he'll be wanting back in a few days, every time I think that it might be the last and he will want to split up for good and/or will find someone new in the interim. He's very attractive and charming and gets a lot of female attention. Things have actually been better for me since I moved out. When we lived together, I had incredibly severe anxiety, and was having panic attacks and was incredibly paranoid, and was isolating myself from my own friends and family at times, mainly because of the withdrawal of affection, and not knowing where he was when he stayed out late nights. Since I've moved out I've made lots of new friends and keep busy, and I don't worry about where he is all the time.

So the situation at the moment is as described above - We kind of lead separate lives in some ways, but when things are going well we talk several times a day on computer or the phone, and meet up a couple of times a week. We go out together at the weekends (mainly with his friends rather than mine, which I sometimes feel is a bit unfair). Then suddenly he will just go incommunicado for days, then get in touch with some very distant and cold message, if we meet he'll probably say he wants to split up. We did reach a stage a while ago when we had an understanding - that he was liable to break up with me if he met me when he was in the wrong mood, and we began to be able to communicate to eachother when might not be a good time to meet, which might lead to further distress. He said he'd had a revelation that he actually wanted to commit to meBut all that feels like it's slipping away right now.

I went away for 2 weeks for a combination of family visits and work. That was over a month ago, and since I got back I've only seen him twice and don't feel like we've really reconnected. He's been ignoring me on and off for all that time. I'm starting to feel angry, and paranoid, and anxious, and abused. I have thoughts about splitting up with him myself, but I know that I don't really mean that or want it deep inside, so there's no point in me saying it because it would make things worse and I'd regret it. What I really want is to get things back to how they were before I went away.

I realize though that he does this every year at this time of year. Every year I have promised myself that I won't let it upset me again, because it's a limited time period, and every time things have got better again. But every time this happens I fear that it may be the last and that I will lose him. I really do love him.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here. I guess I just want some advice on how to handle this. Is there something that I can do to help us to reconnect, and make our relationship stronger and more trusting and open? Or should I just give him space to come back on his own terms? How do I deal with my own overwhelming feelings of paranoia and jealousy and anger and anxiety? I'm starting to feel like I'm going mad, or that I'm a really bad person.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

Hi sparklering! 

A lot of people here have experienced the same push/pull cycle with their partners. I think you will find a lot of understanding people here.

If you don't have any specific questions at the moment, you might want to read through the Lessons that you can find to the right of this forum. There is a lot of good information there to help you get a better understanding of what is going on with your partner. Really, it doesn't matter if they are BPD or not. My husband isn't diagnosed with anything but he does exhibit a lot of the traits. The lessons have helped me to not take some things quite so personal. My husband used to threaten divorce a lot and I would get so upset and take it so personal. After reading the lessons, I came to the conclusion that he is probably never ever going to divorce me. But, that doesn't mean that there isn't going to be the crazy push/pull stuff.

There are also some really good communication tools that are pretty beneficial too. If you think of any specific questions, post them and people will try to answer them or ask you more questions to help you think about some of this stuff and try to make sense out of it.

You mentioned that he gets like this the same time every year. Is there some kind of event or something that triggers him at this time of year? Sometimes, it helps to look for patterns so you can try to make sense out of things.

[Mike-X]

What are you doing to bolster your own self-esteem? Are you seeing a therapist?

[sparklering]

I'm not seeing a therapist at the moment. I was seeing a therapist about a year ago, initially because my partner pressured me to seek help for my drinking, even though he drinks more than I do. But when I was eventually referred to the therapist it turned out it was more useful/pressing for me to discuss my relationship difficulties, which seemed to be the root of my panic attacks and anxiety. That course ended though as I only got financial assistance for limited number of sessions. I don't really know about how I might find a suitable  therapist and whether or how I might get any financial support.

[vortex of confusion]

You can do a lot of work on your own without a therapist. A therapist can help a lot and make things quicker.

Sometimes you can do a search in your area for therapists that operate on a sliding scale. I am not sure what country you are in. In the US, you can contact your local United Way office and they can sometimes suggest resources.

If there is a specific problem that you can identify, there are all sorts of 12 step programs that are free to attend.

[waverider]

I think you are struggling to a degree with enmeshment, in the sense that your decisions, actions and plans are reactionary to his needs.

Do you feel like you have too many things left in the pending pile?

Are too many opportunities missed because you are awaiting to see what he does?

I got stuck in this mode for a while. My partner, to me it seems,. is wasting her life one day at a time, and I was wasting mine by association.

I didn't want to end the association so I had to choose not to waste it.

The answer was to live by action as a default rather than putting things on hold waiting a decision by someone else (its a good life skill). That is I will choose to do XYZ rather than waiting and stressing over approval, unless a specific and firm request for an alternative is given. It overcomes procrastination.

pwBPD have a different approach to procrastination rather than humming and ahhing over what to do, they don't fully weigh things up before making a decision. They jump on a quick decision, then reverse it quickly when they think of an opposite. So it swings, they are decisive but the swinging decisions have the same effect as procrastination except it is even more infuriating as everyone else wastes time and effort trying to fit around them. This is the source of much anxiety and stress. It prevents you from being decisive

[sparklering]

I can see what you are saying in the above, and I definitely suffer a lot of anxiety wondering what's going to happen next and worrying about when he will contact me. Funnily enough though there are also plus points- I wouldn't say I'm always waiting or being held back and have probably achieved more, made more new friends and started more hobbies during my time with this partner than any others. Perhaps it's because I am alone so much and other partners have been more demanding of my time. Or it might be because I'm so keen to impress this partner. I've been on holidays alone, visit friends, started hobbies, taken road trips, started a new job which is the best paid I've ever been, moved cities. So I've achieved more I think in the years I've been with him than the previous years. But the sad thing is I've spent the whole time worrying and obsessing about what he's doing, whether he still loves me, when he will ring me, and feeling angry that he's not with me enjoying the activities with me or meeting my friends. Think s I can only partly blame him for this if at all. I guess I've spent all my previous relationships worrying and obsessing about the relationship rather than enjoying it. Then one day I've always woken up one day and realized they're not actually going to leave me, but that they just are going to continue to treat me badly, then it's like I suddenly stop worrying and have the confidence to leave. I wonder if I'll ever be able to have a healthy relationship and stop worrying. I know it's not healthy but I really can't imagine much different :'(

[Mike-X]

Often anxiety, fear of abandonment, etc. in relationships are symptoms of more core issues. What do you believe is the source of this anxiety and fear of abandonment in these relationships?