Feeling frustrated

[123Phoebe]

I just dont understand how 4 people can live on less than £1000 a month.

Maybe they eat Ramen noodles or he comes from a boatload of $; who knows?  And I have to ask, is it your business?

It's as though you're still in a relationship with her, judging her, only from the outside looking in.

Looking at the 5 stages of Detachment, which stage do you find yourself in right now, today?

[Infared]

Alright guys, im currently 7 months NC, and I don't know if anyone else can relate, but, I still feel incredibly frustrated about everything.  My ex is expecting her 3rd child with my replacement, jealousy isn't apparent in my mind anymore but the sheer frustration of "How are they still together?" "was this my fault?" "Is she really disordered"? this even now leads me to obsessively read others stories as a way of relating and backing up my gut feeling of how she was by no means a NON.  I cant seem to break out of this cycle of behavior, I dont feel sad, I sleep 8-10 hours a night and appetite is fine so its not as if im depressed by any means, I just cant accept being blocked and deleted from someones life and knowing shes given birth to my replacements kid.  Yes I know and fully understand im better off out of it, but its the WHY? thats frustrating me.            

For me... .those thoughts never went away. Mine married the replacement. ... .and I am totally NC, but every once in a while she tries to "accidentally" run-in to me.?  I don't allow it.

I will never understand a sick mind and I know that I may have to live with those thoughts forever. I really understand how you feel. Wish I had an answer.

[Infared]

I just dont understand how 4 people can live on less than £1000 a month.

Maybe they eat Ramen noodles or he comes from a boatload of $; who knows?  And I have to ask, is it your business?

It's as though you're still in a relationship with her, judging her, only from the outside looking in.

Looking at the 5 stages of Detachment, which stage do you find yourself in right now, today?

I have to agree with you Phoebe. My ex's relationship with my replacement is absolutely none of my business, (unless "I" want to torture "myself". My ex, during early abandonment, tried to start talking about her relationship (complaining... .yeah, right?), I politely told her that I did not want to hear any of that, please. I worked hard at not being part of the triangle that she wanted to create, and succeeded. Wish that I had known about BPD then. I was definitely wandering in the dark.

[downwhim]

Jammo, I think us mothers look at 3 year olds and realize they are talking, walking, potty trained, they can feed themselves and are more independent (happens to be my favorite age) so, in that sense they are no longer babies. I get what she is saying.

I also think she has a lot of bills. She needs a man and/or another child to bring in more money.

I know you love her, I love my ex too BUT, financially and emotionally it would be tough. Also, kids grow up like mine have and they are expensive. She is immature and instead of being able to look at her potential she is looking outside herself (benefits/man). Just my opinion. Hope it helps.

[jammo1989]

Alright guys, im currently 7 months NC, and I don't know if anyone else can relate, but, I still feel incredibly frustrated about everything.  My ex is expecting her 3rd child with my replacement, jealousy isn't apparent in my mind anymore but the sheer frustration of "How are they still together?" "was this my fault?" "Is she really disordered"? this even now leads me to obsessively read others stories as a way of relating and backing up my gut feeling of how she was by no means a NON.  I cant seem to break out of this cycle of behavior, I dont feel sad, I sleep 8-10 hours a night and appetite is fine so its not as if im depressed by any means, I just cant accept being blocked and deleted from someones life and knowing shes given birth to my replacements kid.  Yes I know and fully understand im better off out of it, but its the WHY? thats frustrating me.            

For me... .those thoughts never went away. Mine married the replacement. ... .and I am totally NC, but every once in a while she tries to "accidentally" run-in to me.?  I don't allow it.

I will never understand a sick mind and I know that I may have to live with those thoughts forever. I really understand how you feel. Wish I had an answer.

hey Infared, how soon after did she marry the replacment? and yeah your right it is none of my businiess, but im trying to remind myself that i couldnt and would not want to live like that. 

[jammo1989]

Jammo, I think us mothers look at 3 year olds and realize they are talking, walking, potty trained, they can feed themselves and are more independent (happens to be my favorite age) so, in that sense they are no longer babies. I get what she is saying.

I also think she has a lot of bills. She needs a man and/or another child to bring in more money.

I know you love her, I love my ex too BUT, financially and emotionally it would be tough. Also, kids grow up like mine have and they are expensive. She is immature and instead of being able to look at her potential she is looking outside herself (benefits/man). Just my opinion. Hope it helps.

Thank you for a female perspective on the matter, see thats what i thought as well benefits, she seems to go backwards after each relationship.  For example, her husband is in the army making £25,000 a year, she then got with me a guy in his 2nd year of university, then after i graduated shes now with someone whos in college and hope to attends uninversity.  I think your right, she wants the added financial security.  I even told her after the push/pull, i know your trying to trap me, and even my my family told me to be careful because she will trap you, so yewh i know deep down that i dodged a massive bullet.

[123Phoebe]

hey Infared, how soon after did she marry the replacment? and yeah your right it is none of my businiess, but im trying to remind myself that i couldnt and would not want to live like that.  

The irony is that you are living like that today, vicariously, by concerning yourself with her affairs.

[downwhim]

I don't know Jammo, I think you are not living through her, just trying to figure out why your not still there and reminding yourself how disordered she is. Sorting out. We all do that. We justify why we are not in the r/s anymore.

[jammo1989]

hey Infared, how soon after did she marry the replacment? and yeah your right it is none of my businiess, but im trying to remind myself that i couldnt and would not want to live like that.  

The irony is that you are living like that today, vicariously, by concerning yourself with her affairs.

To be totally honest with you Phoebe, apart of me doesn't want to forget about her disordered ways towards me, I say this because, I dont want to be contacted in a few months or even years time acting like nothing ever happened, that would just prove that their not taking responsibility behavior works.  Im also saying this because, we were really close back in high school 10 years ago, I spent a lot of time with her, while others would say "Why you hanging out with her for?" She then went into foster care and I didnt hear anything since, then 8 years later, she starts liking all my pictures on Facebook (just broke up with her husband after cheating on him) I didnt know who it was at first, she was all like, its ... . going for a walk now but heres my mobile number text me :D So 8 years later she welcomes me back in her life and within those first 2 weeks she was texting me about 60 times a day and sending me explicit pictures.  I dont want her doing this again AKA coming back into my life years later.   

[Skip]

Jammo,

I'm a strong supporter of doing a postmortem. Its an important part of healing.

But there are two people to "autopsy".  You aren't really even doing one.

A postmortem is about what happened in the relationship. You are trying to analyze her life after the relationship.

Two words come to mind.  :)enial.  Attachment.

Look at this thread.  You dipped your toe (one post) into looking at yourself (more or less) then quickly its back to "analyzing and judging why is she living the life she is living now".

Why are you so disinterested in looking at yourself?  Why so interested in looking at where she is going?

To be totally honest with you Phoebe, apart of me doesn't want to forget about her disordered ways towards me, I say this because, I dont want to be contacted in a few months or even years time acting like nothing ever happened, that would just prove that their not taking responsibility behavior works.  

Really?  All this is about teaching her a life lesson?  You are trying to analyze and predict when and how her life will fail and she will realize that you were the best thing for her?

Would you rather no longer have anxiety, be able to drink again and have a much bigger social circle?

or

Feel that intense love again, mind blowing sex and a relationship with 2 little ones you grew to care about a lot?

... . and who has walked away and is pregnant with another mans baby (life changed).

Is this a choice you feel you have?  

It sounds like you are trying to decide on whether to get back into the relationship and at what juncture she will be most vulnerable to a rescue.

Not the worst thing, but if that is the case - own it. Go post on the staying board and get advice on how to get back in.  Or post on undecided and debate the merits.

And most importantly, as we do on Staying, start looking at who you are (were) in this relationship. Were you a healthy partner or a not so healthy partner and what needs to change with you?