Heart vs Mind: my issue this wk

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey guys!

Thank you for all your support through this!

The recent week has unbalanced me. 

I was feeling like I was on a steady path of detachment and grief.  I imagined that I would take small step by small step down that path for good.  However, he has recently been reaching out in small ways and this has made me feel like my path is out of balance.  Thrown a fork on the road so to speak. Not a fork that I want

In trying to make some sense of his minor behavior changes, I thought back the past year and some things he has said.  When in MC, the MC was confused because he stated that "B" was logically out of the r/s, however his heart was not.  He expected as one-two months passed that B would either bring his heart where his mind was or bring his mind where his heart is.  Well MC was baffled and stared at me for explanation.  Is was highly unusual what was happening.  B was continuing to adamantly keep his mind exiting while his heart was remaining fond.  (I have to explain, that it is because I felt his family unsafe that they cannot visit anymore.  So for B to resolve this, he wanted to move out.  It was me that said that moving out after 5yrs of trying to build a life together is absurd and I would have none of it.) So MC, in solo therapy, was explaining to me how B was trying to buy an attached house to keep me close, trying to come up with a way to keep us close while "resolving" the family issue.  Insisting that he always wanted us to be in each other's lives in some way.

I feel B was just looking for a "safe way" to keep sliding back out of the responsibilities and expectations of a normal r/s, until he got back to where he feels comfy, to that first year of courting/fun/low expectations.  I still think that he was just overwhelmed with any adult r/s.  I did not/do not think this is a fair way for a couple to handle their issues.  I think it is best to get strong and face them with unity, not distance.  For me, taking an option of distance is not the loving partnership I signed up for.

Well, so we lived together with B stating we are broken up.  More than two months passed, then 7 months passed, and all along MC was baffled, B's heart and mind stayed in opposite places.  Still in love, but still logically resolved to move, thus putting much physical and emotional distance between us.  It even got ugly a time or two.

So, ok, that is all old news, however, what is new... .is that all this time it never occurred to me that: I think he actually moved out as a way to hope continue a r/s with me.

To me, pple break up, move out because they are perusing separate lives.

However, I think he sees it the opposite.  That moving out, allows him to peruse a r/s he is capable of.  And opens up a new opportunity to him. Also, he had lots of better options on where to move... .cheaper... .closer to work... .closer to family.  I suspect it is not coincidence that he moved 5 blocks from me!

Ok, so I guess the problem I am having is that it makes me feel forced to almost announce a break up myself.  I thought I was getting out of this easy, he made the decision, so ok, we are done, easy.  But now seeing it differently, I realize I have to now establish some boundaries that I didn't know were needed, and make decisions on how to handle the reaching out behaviors.

Idk, this thought really doesn't make things so different at all, it just puts a bit of a twist on the way I had already thought I completed processing some things.  It feels different somehow tho.

My heart was starting to slowly catch up to my mind headed out.  Now it is frozen like a deer in headlights.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey guys!

Thank you for all your support through this!

The recent week has unbalanced me. 

I was feeling like I was on a steady path of detachment and grief.  I imagined that I would take small step by small step down that path for good.  However, he has recently been reaching out in small ways and this has made me feel like my path is out of balance.  Thrown a fork on the road so to speak. Not a fork that I want

In trying to make some sense of his minor behavior changes, I thought back the past year and some things he has said.  When in MC, the MC was confused because he stated that "B" was logically out of the r/s, however his heart was not.  He expected as one-two months passed that B would either bring his heart where his mind was or bring his mind where his heart is.  Well MC was baffled and stared at me for explanation.  Is was highly unusual what was happening.  B was continuing to adamantly keep his mind exiting while his heart was remaining fond.  (I have to explain, that it is because I felt his family unsafe that they cannot visit anymore.  So for B to resolve this, he wanted to move out.  It was me that said that moving out after 5yrs of trying to build a life together is absurd and I would have none of it.) So MC, in solo therapy, was explaining to me how B was trying to buy an attached house to keep me close, trying to come up with a way to keep us close while "resolving" the family issue.  Insisting that he always wanted us to be in each other's lives in some way.

I feel B was just looking for a "safe way" to keep sliding back out of the responsibilities and expectations of a normal r/s, until he got back to where he feels comfy, to that first year of courting/fun/low expectations.  I still think that he was just overwhelmed with any adult r/s.  I did not/do not think this is a fair way for a couple to handle their issues.  I think it is best to get strong and face them with unity, not distance.  For me, taking an option of distance is not the loving partnership I signed up for.

Well, so we lived together with B stating we are broken up.  More than two months passed, then 7 months passed, and all along MC was baffled, B's heart and mind stayed in opposite places.  Still in love, but still logically resolved to move, thus putting much physical and emotional distance between us.  It even got ugly a time or two.

So, ok, that is all old news, however, what is new... .is that all this time it never occurred to me that: I think he actually moved out as a way to hope continue a r/s with me.

To me, pple break up, move out because they are perusing separate lives.

However, I think he sees it the opposite.  That moving out, allows him to peruse a r/s he is capable of.  And opens up a new opportunity to him. Also, he had lots of better options on where to move... .cheaper... .closer to work... .closer to family.  I suspect it is not coincidence that he moved 5 blocks from me!

Ok, so I guess the problem I am having is that it makes me feel forced to almost announce a break up myself.  I thought I was getting out of this easy, he made the decision, so ok, we are done, easy.  But now seeing it differently, I realize I have to now establish some boundaries that I didn't know were needed, and make decisions on how to handle the reaching out behaviors.

Idk, this thought really doesn't make things so different at all, it just puts a bit of a twist on the way I had already thought I completed processing some things.  It feels different somehow tho.

My heart was starting to slowly catch up to my mind headed out.  Now it is frozen like a deer in headlights.

[Mike-X]

I really appreciate this post. I have had similar thoughts about my udxGF who moved out.  She also suggested at one point that we live together as roommates.

Are the two of you still seeing the MC together? Also, can you help me to better understand the "minor behavior" changes that you are referring to?

[dagwoodbowser]

Hey SunflOwer... .Happy Friday to you! I'm still kinda new to many of the acronyms and short cut terms... .I read through your post a time or two, is MC a person? and B? is that his current gf? It's probably me, but I'm trying to get with program here and be sure I understand a little better.

[Sunfl0wer]

I really appreciate this post. I have had similar thoughts about my udxGF who moved out.  She also suggested at one point that we live together as roommates.

Are the two of you still seeing the MC together? Also, can you help me to better understand the "minor behavior" changes that you are referring to?

We stopped together counseling when he made the announcement of us being broken up in September, I think.  What was confusing, was that he paid for me to continue counseling solo, and he also continued solo.  The MC throughout that time was telling me bf wanted to come back to the r/s, for me to make it easy for him and soothe him in his efforts and reach out to him.  I did that... .for about 7 months!  Then things sort of popped.  Huge dysregulation!  The problem was, I came undone too and popped!  Then MC said to me "It's over"  So for 7 months it wasn't over, even tho bf said so, but when MC said it, in my head, it really WAS over then.

Since he left, he has started offering to do small nice things for me, just regular kind gestures:  leaving things behind he knew I would like, plants, a radio etc.  Offered to help with a car repair. (I ignored this)

It is his typical push/pull and punish her/reward her behavior.

What is different was that I had forgot that he previously wanted to remain connected, and I just realized he is probably back to that in HIS head.

So that is why I feel like I know have a decision before me that wasn't there.

[Sunfl0wer]

This sounds crazy, but this IS really how his mind thinks... .

I actually think that as he was leaving, he was testing me to see "if I am worthy."

He set me up to screw him over with different scenarios here and there.  For example:  He left the electric bill in his name then asked me to pay. Of course, I used the electric, so I cut him the check.  He was so glad, said, Thanks!  In MY head, I'm thinking, why the heck is HE thanking ME?  If anything, I should thank HIM as he just saved me a 50buck reconnect fee.    

I think he actually set up different situations to see if I would pass or fail.  I ended things amicably as best I could, as fairly as I felt.

I think this behavior unintentionally sent the message to him "She is worthy of me giving her another chance." 

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey SunflOwer... .Happy Friday to you! I'm still kinda new to many of the acronyms and short cut terms... .I read through your post a time or two, is MC a person? and B? is that his current gf? It's probably me, but I'm trying to get with program here and be sure I understand a little better.

Happy Friday Dagwood!

MC=Marriage Counselor

B=my ex who is uNPD/BPDtraits high functioning, acting in type.  My fault... .I invented "B" as I did not want to confuse my story and call him "exbf" or "bf" as it could be hard to follow as he transitions from bf to ex during the story a bit.  And I DIDN'T even know if he was ex or bf! LOL!