Constantly caught off guard in conversation and I react.

[misuniadziubek]

My uBPDbf tends to take advantage of happy positive conversation to insert random criticisms and I have trouble keeping a level head. Here I'm in a state of vulnerability towards him. Expressing myself fully, which with a pwBPD is a rare opportunity and he hits me with a phrase on how flawed he finds me.

Here I'd be texting affectionately and all of a sudden he'd write something ridiculous. Like I'm telling him how excited I am to see him and he responds with 'is it possible that you are mildly autistic? because you seem to have not developed your coordination as well as most people."

It's a blunt criticism to provoke me, with little truth to it minus me being actually more uncoordinated than most but for a completely different reason.  And I get upset. Because my coordination problems are related to a spinal birth defect and I actually have an autistic brother I've been actively taking care of since I was 9.

And he's making light of it, because he keeps a ridiculously messy place where anything and everything can be stepped on because it's on the floor. I'm talking circuit boards, bolts, screwdrivers, you name it. It's like a minefield and so he considers me clumsy AF.

It's also a bit of a trigger for me because my NPD mother used to always say things like that to me when I refused to listen to her BS requests to do everything under the sun to her. "I think you're more autistic than your brother, cause you can't seem to ever hear me when I call you."

She would use my most vulnerable moments and self-disclosures to point out how flawed I was. Like if I told her that I had a fight with my best friend, later that day while being angry at me for not doing the dishes or putting my brother to bed soon enough, she'd say things like "No wonder nobody can stand you and you can't keep friends, you don't know how to act properly. I think there is something mentally wrong with you."

It would be a moment of anger. She didn't actually mean it, she was just trying to make me emotional so that I'd do what she wants. So I learned to never trust her with  my actual thoughts, problems. She'd later complain that I don't talk to her.

Funny how my uBPDbf picked up on those triggers and uses it. Even stranger how this isn't really about him.

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[Mike-X]

I am sorry for the random criticisms inserted in what seem to be such good moments. I remember experiencing this, too, and something similar came up in a thread earlier today on text messages:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275680.msg12610872#msg12610872

Are you familiar with depersonalization?

I am really sorry to hear about your mother's passive-aggressive responses too. Have you read much or seen a therapist about dealing with high conflict parents?

[formflier]

 

First... .    to you.  I feel for you that you had to listen to that kind of stuff from your mom.

Second... .when you are caught offguard... .it is helpful to have a pre-planned response... .something that happens automatically... .so you can work on your internal emotions... .and settle and center them... .rather than let them out "at" the pwBPD traits.

So... ."I've never considered that before... .I'll have to think about it... ."  (and then drop the subject)

How do you think a line like that will/would go over?

FF

[OffRoad]

So... ."I've never considered that before... .I'll have to think about it... ."  (and then drop the subject)

FF

This line would work well with non-BPDs, but leaves a person open to another criticism in BPD land ("Why haven't you considered that before? You should have."

"That's an interesting thought... .I'll have to think on it." or even just "That's an interesting thought." and drop it, is more likely to get no response, although it could still happen if the pwBPD is determined to cause a problem.

The hardest part is detaching yourself from the situation enough to do so. When you are sharing yourself with you SO, you aren't expecting to be blindsided with an insult. I have been known to actually say, in a flat voice not an upset voice, "I'm not understanding the reason you decided to bring that up just now. It's quite a non-sequitur." If the person I was speaking to gets angry, they were trying to insult me. If they don't and actually have an explanation (weird as it might be), then I know they were just clueless. It's helps me know how to deal with the rest of the conversation.

Example, if bf was looking at his floor while texting you and thinking about the last time you were there and tripped over something, and he really is convinced that you should be able to tap dance over his floor, then he had a reason to say that, weird as it was.

[formflier]

 

If there is a follow up to any of those suggestions... .don't "take the bait"

"Please allow me time to consider what you have shared with me... ."

If it goes past that... .walk away.

[vortex of confusion]

Here I'd be texting affectionately and all of a sudden he'd write something ridiculous. Like I'm telling him how excited I am to see him and he responds with 'is it possible that you are mildly autistic? because you seem to have not developed your coordination as well as most people."

What do you think would happen if you didn't respond to or acknowledge what he said and stopped texting?

In person, it isn't as easy. In a text, you might be able to ignore it and go on with the conversation or stop the conversation all together.

Don't take the bait. It will still hurt like crazy. End the conversation and go cry or do something productive to deal with your feelings.

If you are in person, would it be possible to not acknowledge what he said and change the subject all together without addressing it. If he pressed the issue, would it be possible to say something like, "I won't respond to that comment as I was very hurt by it."

[formflier]

"I won't respond to that comment as I was very hurt by it."

I like that... .it make's it about the "non's" feelings... .can't be argued with... .and ends it.

FF

[misuniadziubek]

The hardest part is detaching yourself from the situation enough to do so. When you are sharing yourself with you SO, you aren't expecting to be blindsided with an insult. I have been known to actually say, in a flat voice not an upset voice, "I'm not understanding the reason you decided to bring that up just now. It's quite a non-sequitur." If the person I was speaking to gets angry, they were trying to insult me. If they don't and actually have an explanation (weird as it might be), then I know they were just clueless. It's helps me know how to deal with the rest of the conversation.

Example, if bf was looking at his floor while texting you and thinking about the last time you were there and tripped over something, and he really is convinced that you should be able to tap dance over his floor, then he had a reason to say that, weird as it was.

My pwBPD would definitely respond to me saying "I didn't consider that" with "Why the hell not? Are you mentally deficient?" If it's obvious to him, it should be obvious to me as well (NPD trait? )or perhaps I don't care enough about him to fix what's wrong. (BPD)

I've tried this approach before so I know what to expect.

You are definitely right when it comes to it depending on the intention. Sometimes I assume that he has ill intent simply because I've gotten used to him criticizing. In this case, he could just be reading about autism in order to understand my brother (who adores him btw, my bf is incredibly patient with my brother's never ending monologues) and came upon the clumsiness factor.

Sometimes I get triggered and I don't know why. This was a good opportunity to relate my experience.

Here I'd be texting affectionately and all of a sudden he'd write something ridiculous. Like I'm telling him how excited I am to see him and he responds with 'is it possible that you are mildly autistic?

What do you think would happen if you didn't respond to or acknowledge what he said and stopped texting?

In person, it isn't as easy. In a text, you might be able to ignore it and go on with the conversation or stop the conversation all together.

Don't take the bait. It will still hurt like crazy. End the conversation and go cry or do something productive to deal with your feelings.

If you are in person, would it be possible to not acknowledge what he said and change the subject all together without addressing it. If he pressed the issue, would it be possible to say something like, "I won't respond to that comment as I was very hurt by it."

Go do something productive feels like the hardest advice to follow. When I'm emotional, I'm stuck, I can't get over what ever it is that happened. My rational brain plays dead.

I consider the response about being hurt something I could try, but Telling them im hurt by a comment is difficult because my pwBPD tends to be really invalidating. "You shouldn't feel hurt by it/ You're too sensitive/ Go cry about it, Boohoo some more./ if I'm so terrible and hurtful, why don't you just leave/ you just can't accept the truth, pretend it's not a problem, not willing to fix it."

Just some responses I've received before. Some definitely coincide with my mom's responses. And that's how I probably learned to supress my emotions so deeply, because every time I expressed my feelings on something I'd get an invalidating response and I'd get that feeling at the pit of my stomach, like I'm not allowed to feel how I feel, have my own feelings. I should follow her lead with no questions asked.

[Mike-X]

Can you elaborate on what it is like being "stuck" when you are emotional?

[flowerpath]

 

My uBPDbf tends to take advantage of happy positive conversation to insert random criticisms and I have trouble keeping a level head.

This happens to me too, even out of the blue when I'm minding my own business and there's no conversation going on, or from the next room when he knows I’m within earshot.

I don’t know if it will ever stop, but I have seen a decrease in it by not participating in text messages and if it occurs in person, by walking out of the room or leaving in my car if I have to.  Negative reinforcement.

I try to mentally step back and look at the criticism as an observer rather than as a recipient of it and not take it personally because this kind of thing is coming from a person who is mentally ill.  I know that there are times that it is coming from a place that has nothing to do with me, and I am just the target... .but this is truly easier said than done. 

My pwBPD would definitely respond to me saying "I didn't consider that" with "Why the hell not? Are you mentally deficient?" If it's obvious to him, it should be obvious to me as well (NPD trait? )or perhaps I don't care enough about him to fix what's wrong. (BPD)

I've tried this approach before so I know what to expect.

………………………

I consider the response about being hurt something I could try, but Telling them im hurt by a comment is difficult because my pwBPD tends to be really invalidating. "You shouldn't feel hurt by it/ You're too sensitive/ Go cry about it, Boohoo some more./ if I'm so terrible and hurtful, why don't you just leave/ you just can't accept the truth, pretend it's not a problem, not willing to fix it."

There are elements of abuse in there, and by recognizing how he will probably respond to what you say, you can take measures to protect yourself from it by not setting yourself up for it.  I’m a big proponent of letting your feet do the talking. 

[misuniadziubek]

Can you elaborate on what it is like being "stuck" when you are emotional?

I dissociate, go numb, can't see past the present situation. It's like I'm reliving some past memory I can or can't identify. I have a mindset of not being worthy or of value. Sometimes it feels like I can't escape, am paralyzed, experiencing unbearable emotional pain. I've turned to self mutilation in these moments before. My pwBPD has called me a drama queen over it. (Gah, that part is terrible. It's exactly what my mom would say)

I think that it's unhealthy for me to be around him in these moments. He's either the source or the trigger. And he doesn't know how to help either. He either blames himself and takes it out on me or he closes himself off, which is even worse.

[Mike-X]

Can you elaborate on what it is like being "stuck" when you are emotional?

I dissociate, go numb, can't see past the present situation. It's like I'm reliving some past memory I can or can't identify. I have a mindset of not being worthy or of value. Sometimes it feels like I can't escape, am paralyzed, experiencing unbearable emotional pain. I've turned to self mutilation in these moments before. My pwBPD has called me a drama queen over it. (Gah, that part is terrible. It's exactly what my mom would say)

I think that it's unhealthy for me to be around him in these moments. He's either the source or the trigger. And he doesn't know how to help either. He either blames himself and takes it out on me or he closes himself off, which is even worse.

Thank you for the clarification. So criticisms from your SO can trigger at least an acute sense of not being valuable and dissociation, and the dissociation feels like you trapped experiencing intense emotional pain. Have there been times where you did not dissociate? If so, any idea what influences this? Also, any idea what influences whether it is a past memory that you can vs can't identify?

[misuniadziubek]

Thank you for the clarification. So criticisms from your SO can trigger at least an acute sense of not being valuable and dissociation, and the dissociation feels like you trapped experiencing intense emotional pain. Have there been times where you did not dissociate? If so, any idea what influences this? Also, any idea what influences whether it is a past memory that you can vs can't identify?

I'd say, when I'm alert, feeling happy, I'm less vulnerable to dissociating. I can experience the intense emotion but it's just that, a temporary feeling. I approach it with mindfulness and a rational attitude. "This feels terrible, yes, but it's not reality. It's just a feeling." I tend to embrace it rather than avoid it.

When I'm tired or depressed and anxious, I am very likely to dissociate and especially in situations where I feel like I can't leave. The difference between being able to identify it is just dependent of whether I've identified it in the past. I've had moments where I realised the exact trigger and emotional flashback. Other times it's too vague and not integrated

[Mike-X]

Thank you for the clarification. So criticisms from your SO can trigger at least an acute sense of not being valuable and dissociation, and the dissociation feels like you trapped experiencing intense emotional pain. Have there been times where you did not dissociate? If so, any idea what influences this? Also, any idea what influences whether it is a past memory that you can vs can't identify?

I'd say, when I'm alert, feeling happy, I'm less vulnerable to dissociating. I can experience the intense emotion but it's just that, a temporary feeling. I approach it with mindfulness and a rational attitude. "This feels terrible, yes, but it's not reality. It's just a feeling." I tend to embrace it rather than avoid it.

When I'm tired or depressed and anxious, I am very likely to dissociate and especially in situations where I feel like I can't leave. The difference between being able to identify it is just dependent of whether I've identified it in the past. I've had moments where I realised the exact trigger and emotional flashback. Other times it's too vague and not integrated

I see. That is a good amount of awareness and cognitive control.   

So is it identifying the feeling coming upon you in combination with the situational triggers?