BPD? Narc? Oh what a world...

[BlackOrWhite]

I don't know where to start. It's a weird story. As you all know I'm sure it's been up and down roller coaster. 5 years on and off.

The thing is for the longest time I thought I was BPD or at least had some traits. I went to DBT group got an insane amount of therapy and tried to turn myself into someone I could respect.

Now my partner who I always thought was a (narc) I'm starting to wonder is BPD.

You see I changed everything about myself. I found yoga, I found cooking, I found baking, I found taking care of my partner, I found being around their friends, I found being around their family, I found faithfulness,I found letting them being around my friends and family, I found feeling safe about being open on Facebook and "showing them off",  I found caring about their life and putting mine second, I found controlling my emotions, I found trying to trust, and mostly I found trying to believe in love and unity.


Now the utter most shattering part about this is... .ever since I changed he is exactly the same.


I'm still disposable, I'm still not pretty enough, I'm still not ( that girl's gf ), I'm still stupid, I'm still " basic " I'm still walked out on at least every week and get silent treatment and than sexual abused to get back in good graces.


What is this? Am I silly to think that if I changed they would? All this time I always thought I was crazy and the problem and now I think he may be just as insane if not worse and I wasn't healthy enough to see it and now I am?


Currently, I've been painted black. All because my ex sent me a message on Facebook ( out of my control ) (I never replied) and I was told I was a cheater and driven back to my house verbal abused the whole way and put down in front of a friend and left.


What am I doing wrong? how am I so disposable all the time? NO MATTER WHAT I DO?


I love this person with all my heart. Why?

[BlackOrWhite]

ALSO: I gave him my printer and dug up some old skateboarding rails ( my brother no longer uses ) so that him and his friends could use them at his house. THIS VERY SAME DAY he left! Not to mention the money I always dish out for him, and the gifts my family has given him.


And I'm always told " I DO NOTHING "


How is this possible?     

[Reforming]

Hi BlackOrWhite,

Sorry to hear about your troubles

"You see I changed everything about myself. I found yoga, I found cooking, I found baking, I found taking care of my partner, I found being around their friends, I found being around their family, I found faithfulness,I found letting them being around my friends and family, I found feeling safe about being open on Facebook and "showing them off",  I found caring about their life and putting mine second, I found controlling my emotions, I found trying to trust, and mostly I found trying to believe in love and unity."

It sounds like you've been doing a lot good work. That takes courage and strength. Good for you  

"Now the utter most shattering part about this is... .ever since I changed he is exactly the same.


"I'm still disposable, I'm still not pretty enough, I'm still not ( that girl's gf ), I'm still stupid, I'm still " basic " I'm still walked out on at least every week and get silent treatment and than sexual abused to get back in good graces."

I understand this must be very hard, especially after working so hard on yourself. How do you respond when he invalidates you like this?

"What is this? Am I silly to think that if I changed they would? All this time I always thought I was crazy and the problem and now I think he may be just as insane if not worse and I wasn't healthy enough to see it and now I am?"

I think focussing on yourself and working on your own stuff is very healthy and strong way to try and improve your situation whether you stay in your relationship or not.

Part of this growth may well be becoming more aware your relationship dynamics and reassessing your partners behaviour. For some members that had led them to the decision to end their relationship. Do you feel that this is the case with you?

"What am I doing wrong? how am I so disposable all the time? NO MATTER WHAT I DO?


I love this person with all my heart. Why?"

It sounds like you're doing a lot of things right. You deserve a lot of credit for this

I suppose the question is whether you want to try and continue your relationship. This is very personal decision that only you can make.

You may have already read this section of the site but there are skills that you can learn to help you to cope with your partner's behaviour and try to improve your relationship.

Five Keys to Help You Heal, Whether You Stay in Your Relationship or Leave

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95728.msg945784#msg945784

Whatever you choose to do we're here for you. Please keep posting

Reforming