Moved to new house - weathering little drama's

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So my now exSO finally moved out a few weeks ago.  It took taking back the phones I'd been providing to her and her kids when we were together.  I got called every name in the book as a result but she'd had 2 months to switch them to open her own plan and she wouldn't do it.  She also was refusing to pay for her share of the expense.  So in her words "it was very low" of me to do it, but you know what?  We were broken up.  I don't have to provide phones to her and her kids.  I never did, actually, and I'm allowed to stop when I choose to.  Apparently making the choice to stop was emotionally abusive to her.  Oh well.

Very soon after, though, she had her own account opened, she paid me what she owed me, and she did the change in responsibility to change the equipment costs to her name.  At which point, I gave her the phones back.

The following weekend she moved out to wherever she went.  She took a few of my and S10's things, and then texted to swap them off.  The only thing of any matter is S10's favorite video game. 

I had a place lined up that was smaller and cheaper to move to, and had started carting stuff over.  Some of which included Christmas ornaments.  She had also left a bunch of clothes bagged on the front porch, and wouldn't come back to get them, and wouldn't respond.  I needed to empty the house or get charged for disposal fees.  So I moved the Christmas stuff (her's and mine is all mingled anyway).

I got texts threats to not give back S10's game, all kinds of stuff because I wouldn't stop moving out to separate ornaments when she'd had 2 months to do it prior.  She got so angry that I wouldn't put my own needs on hold to serve her current whim.  I guess I'd set that precedent by doing just that during the relationship and having changed it made me a very naughty boy.

It was rather dumb as I can replace that game for $25, and she can replace all the ornaments and special kid made stuff for... .oh wait she can't.  I pointed that out to her and basically just told her she could continue like this and I'd replace the game and simply move on, dispose of her remaining things myself, and save myself the headache of dealing with her antics.  Was having visions of using her ornaments for target practice with my BB gun.

A few days later got a text that was much more conciliatory and asking to exchange things when I was done moving.  Which is fine with me.  She also finally got the rest of the stuff she'd left on the porch. 

Now I just need her keys to turn back into the landlord, or I could just go pay the $2 to have another copy of mine made to turn in the 2 copies I owe the property manager.  I like the latter idea better.

I know she's just trying to use all these things as little strings and reasons to try to maintain some kind contact.  I think she was very surprised when I told her I wasn't going to play the blackmail game and to keep the game, I could replace it a lot easier than she could her ornaments, then didn't respond to the text barrage that followed.  I don't understand that, by the way, because I've never responded to her text barrages.  One would think she'd have figured out it doesn't work by now.

Anyway, I just need to finish cleaning up the old place, do the walk through in a few days, and I'll be done and can start settling into my new place.  So woohoo!

[Waddams]

So my now exSO finally moved out a few weeks ago.  It took taking back the phones I'd been providing to her and her kids when we were together.  I got called every name in the book as a result but she'd had 2 months to switch them to open her own plan and she wouldn't do it.  She also was refusing to pay for her share of the expense.  So in her words "it was very low" of me to do it, but you know what?  We were broken up.  I don't have to provide phones to her and her kids.  I never did, actually, and I'm allowed to stop when I choose to.  Apparently making the choice to stop was emotionally abusive to her.  Oh well.

Very soon after, though, she had her own account opened, she paid me what she owed me, and she did the change in responsibility to change the equipment costs to her name.  At which point, I gave her the phones back.

The following weekend she moved out to wherever she went.  She took a few of my and S10's things, and then texted to swap them off.  The only thing of any matter is S10's favorite video game. 

I had a place lined up that was smaller and cheaper to move to, and had started carting stuff over.  Some of which included Christmas ornaments.  She had also left a bunch of clothes bagged on the front porch, and wouldn't come back to get them, and wouldn't respond.  I needed to empty the house or get charged for disposal fees.  So I moved the Christmas stuff (her's and mine is all mingled anyway).

I got texts threats to not give back S10's game, all kinds of stuff because I wouldn't stop moving out to separate ornaments when she'd had 2 months to do it prior.  She got so angry that I wouldn't put my own needs on hold to serve her current whim.  I guess I'd set that precedent by doing just that during the relationship and having changed it made me a very naughty boy.

It was rather dumb as I can replace that game for $25, and she can replace all the ornaments and special kid made stuff for... .oh wait she can't.  I pointed that out to her and basically just told her she could continue like this and I'd replace the game and simply move on, dispose of her remaining things myself, and save myself the headache of dealing with her antics.  Was having visions of using her ornaments for target practice with my BB gun.

A few days later got a text that was much more conciliatory and asking to exchange things when I was done moving.  Which is fine with me.  She also finally got the rest of the stuff she'd left on the porch. 

Now I just need her keys to turn back into the landlord, or I could just go pay the $2 to have another copy of mine made to turn in the 2 copies I owe the property manager.  I like the latter idea better.

I know she's just trying to use all these things as little strings and reasons to try to maintain some kind contact.  I think she was very surprised when I told her I wasn't going to play the blackmail game and to keep the game, I could replace it a lot easier than she could her ornaments, then didn't respond to the text barrage that followed.  I don't understand that, by the way, because I've never responded to her text barrages.  One would think she'd have figured out it doesn't work by now.

Anyway, I just need to finish cleaning up the old place, do the walk through in a few days, and I'll be done and can start settling into my new place.  So woohoo!

[Reforming]

Hi Waddam,

Wow sounds like you've had a busy few weeks.

Moving is stressful at the best of times, but when you add in all the other stuff you've had a lot deal with that's a lot for anyone to handle.

Well done for getting through it all and keeping calm. Not an easy thing to do.

I can can understand how much you're looking forward to settling into your new place

How's your son doing? And how are you feeling now that things are beginning to get a bit calmer?

Reforming

[Waddams]

S10 is having a rough time. He's uber clingy to me right now. Big separation anxiety. I don't fully understand it but his mom's boyfriend moved in with her recently too. Lots of major change.

Every time i so much as grunt he almost panics. His mom said he told her he was worried for me he saw exSO hit me.  Only thing is she never hit me. Her son stole some things of S10's too and S10 is upset about it. He thought of the older kid as a brother and was pretty much turned on by all exSO's kids. He also broke down crying when we were unloading at the new place because he wanted me to wait for unloading help with the heavy stuff. He keeps telling me i shouldn't have to do everything on my own like i do.

I hit a wall cleaning at the old place tonight. Not done with it all but I'm done anyway. Gonna mow yard one more time before walk through Wednesday and that's it. Gonna switch to getting our new place settled, starting with S10's room and stuff.

[Turkish]

As frustrating as it was, this is a good examle that boundaries on our side can work.

[Waddams]

As frustrating as it was, this is a good examle that boundaries on our side can work.

Definitely.  It's also an example that holding boundaries to start with will keep us from getting into these predicaments to start with.  When I put my foot down and started holding healthy boundaries for me and stopped worrying about the outcome it would lead to with exSO and our relationship, the relationship went downhill in a hurry.  If I had done this from the outset of meeting her, we'd have never gotten beyond a few dates to start with. 

[Turkish]

As frustrating as it was, this is a good examle that boundaries on our side can work.

Definitely.  It's also an example that holding boundaries to start with will keep us from getting into these predicaments to start with.  When I put my foot down and started holding healthy boundaries for me and stopped worrying about the outcome it would lead to with exSO and our relationship, the relationship went downhill in a hurry.  If I had done this from the outset of meeting her, we'd have never gotten beyond a few dates to start with. 

This sounds very similar to me. A friend observed that I started standing up to my Ex more, around a year before we were "officially" done. Along with a major trigger in her FOO, it was downhill from there. My thoughts on the beginning of our r/s (indeed, our first date where she started the push-pull) are the same as yours, too. Boundaries are about us, and in our control.

[Grey Kitty]

  Hey man, I've not seen any of your postings in a while... .I recall you were having trouble with this SO, but didn't know it had ended. Sorry it went that way.

Definitely.  It's also an example that holding boundaries to start with will keep us from getting into these predicaments to start with.  When I put my foot down and started holding healthy boundaries for me and stopped worrying about the outcome it would lead to with exSO and our relationship, the relationship went downhill in a hurry.  If I had done this from the outset of meeting her, we'd have never gotten beyond a few dates to start with. 

Hard lesson... .but well learned. You sound like you are doing a lot better. I hope you are able to validate S10's concerns and especially feelings.

This seems like a tougher time for him than for you... .especially because you were seeing the writing on the wall for a while, and he probably wasn't as aware. I'm not surprised with this outcome given the last I remember reading a month or two ago.

[Waddams]

Hey man, I've not seen any of your postings in a while... .I recall you were having trouble with this SO, but didn't know it had ended. Sorry it went that way.

I haven't been posting about things regularly.  Didn't feel like I needed the advice.  She was getting more and more demanding, controlling, and abusive, and I didn't need help to figure it out.  Constant testing of "do you love me?  do you love my kids?  i don't believe you!"  Never could give enough or do enough to prove it, and the anger and punishment she was trying to dole out was unacceptable.  I wouldn't stand for it.  She refused to stop, so I knew what I needed to do.

Hard lesson... .but well learned. You sound like you are doing a lot better. I hope you are able to validate S10's concerns and especially feelings.

I am more relaxed personally than I've been in a very long time.  When I let go of the "push/pull" rope and let go of outcome, things became clear in an instant regarding her and her kids.  They were really beginning to emulate her, and I saw it affecting my son.  The lease on the house ending made it easy to get out.

I am trying very hard to validate S10 while also coaching him in a way that vents out the anger and doesn't leave it bottled up.  His mom's boyfriend just moved in at her house too, and she's obviously not paying S10 much attention these days.  I feel so bad for him that all this hit at once for him.  I'm actually actively searching for a T to start taking him too.  Haven't found the one that feels right yet.

This seems like a tougher time for him than for you... .especially because you were seeing the writing on the wall for a while, and he probably wasn't as aware. I'm not surprised with this outcome given the last I remember reading a month or two ago.

Definitely tougher for him.  He wants to be at my place almost non-stop right now.  When he has to be at his mom's, he's proactively negative and oppositional towards her.  And I understand exactly why, she's ignoring him.  He's pissed.  With my prior romantic entanglements, I still always made time for him.  He's right to be pissed.  So how do I validate that and at the same time try to be supportive of him being respectful to her?  Fine line to walk and I don't know the answer.

It also doesn't help my new place is not settled (will be soon) and I've been very busy between work and having to spend evenings at old house cleaning and preparing it for the final walk through so I can get my deposit back.  It's $1500, and I want it back!  S10 is excited about a new place with just me and him, and he wants to be there with me pretty much exclusively.

I honestly think he's a hurt, lonely, insecure, scared little boy whose whole life has been turned on it's head multiple times between his parent's divorcing, my idiotic romantic entanglements, and his mom's new changes.  He's saying he's worried about me, but I think it's a projection in that he's begging for things to settle down and get stable for him, and he's worried and scared for himself and his own stability.  My biggest priority in life right now is improving all that for him and get him feeling secure and comfortable.

Me and S10 honestly both just need a actual vacation.  I'm trying to track down something for just me and him to get away from it all. 

[Grey Kitty]

This seems like a tougher time for him than for you... .especially because you were seeing the writing on the wall for a while, and he probably wasn't as aware. I'm not surprised with this outcome given the last I remember reading a month or two ago.

Definitely tougher for him.  He wants to be at my place almost non-stop right now.  When he has to be at his mom's, he's proactively negative and oppositional towards her.  And I understand exactly why, she's ignoring him.  He's pissed.  With my prior romantic entanglements, I still always made time for him.  He's right to be pissed.  So how do I validate that and at the same time try to be supportive of him being respectful to her?  Fine line to walk and I don't know the answer.

His feelings are valid. He's upset, pissy, doesn't want to be there, feels ignored, etc. You can validate all those things.

His r/s with his mom isn't your issue to fix!. You obviously don't want to go into parental alienation... .but you also have no real business telling him that he should be respectful of  her, etc... .or at least probably not unless he asks directly about it.

Telling him that his mom loves him/etc. even though she's treating him badly is horribly invalidating; I've heard several stories of bad outcomes from such things, which turned around pretty quickly with validating the child's feelings instead.

Is your r/s with your ex good enough to send HER a quick email/text saying that S10 seems to be having a tough time these days, and would probably appreciate it if she was more attentive when he is with her?

Me and S10 honestly both just need a actual vacation.  I'm trying to track down something for just me and him to get away from it all. 

Sounds like a fantastic idea. I hope you can do it soon.

Even if you can't do it for a while, you can schedule it, and give both of you something to look forward to!

[Waddams]

Telling him that his mom loves him/etc. even though she's treating him badly is horribly invalidating; I've heard several stories of bad outcomes from such things, which turned around pretty quickly with validating the child's feelings instead.

I agree with this.  I usually just tell him I can't involve myself, I know it's hard for him, but it's between him and his mom unless there were some immediate danger happening.  Other than that, I love him and am always there for him.  No idea what else to say.  It's tough for a 10 year old to digest that, and it drives me nuts I can't do more.

Sounds like a fantastic idea. I hope you can do it soon.

Even if you can't do it for a while, you can schedule it, and give both of you something to look forward to!

Working on that right now actually.  Last night, though put a crimp in those plans.  Had a break-in at new house.  Walked in on them rushing out the back.  didn't go in, called cops.  Cops cleared it, then we determined nothing apparent was missing except pizza that was in the fridge.  I don't think they were in long.  But I'm a nazi about locking up, and there was no forced entry.  It's a rental and I've only been there a week.  I figure someone had a key.

So I called a locksmith and had all the locks redone.  6 doors, 5 to exterior.  2 doors didn't operate with my keys.  So I had those lock sets changed completely, and everything keyed to one key, of which I have the only copies now.  You don't want to know what it costs for 6 knobs, and 5 deadbolts to do all that and have it done on an after hours call, but I wasn't willing to wait for the morning for the property manager's office to open.  Property manager says they will reimburse me.  Good thing as i think they should have rekeyed between tenants anyway.  A single in home call for a lock usually costs $75-$120 and up per lock, so you can imagine what the bill came to.  Until I get the reimbursement, I'll be a bit short of entertainment funds.

[Turkish]

Sorry about the burglary, Waddams. I had my house broken into twice during the 4 months I had to live with my Ex before she could/would move out (add the water heater bursting around the same time... .when it rains, it pours).

I had 4 locks rekeyed for the front door and security door for an unrelated reason around the same time (burglars came in through the windows). Yeah, it's a lot of money. My Ex asked how much it was and then got mad when I told her, as if I had any control over it. The rates you quote were about right.

[Waddams]

The locksmith actually cut me some pretty steep discounts too. It was still big $$$$$$$$.