Husband Will Not Let Children See Each Other

[LilMe]

I'm not sure if there is a solution for this, but I thought it was worth a try to see if anyone here has any suggestions.  You are all wise and kind!

My older children and my uBPDh do not get along at all.  He was alcoholic and abusive to me in the past but has gone through a domestic violence program and stopped drinking and attends AA regularly.  He has been doing pretty good for the last year and a half.  I have a great relationship with all my children, in spite of him and the bad choices I have made that affect their lives.

The problem I am now faced with is that my husband will not allow our 3 children (8 mos., 6, and 7) to see my older children or my family.  They all want to spend time together, but he will not have it.  I get to take the 8 month old with me to see my older children or my family only because I am nursing her.  As soon as she is older and nursing less he won't allow her to go either and he regularly reminds me of this.

I have tried to bring the subject up a few times when he seemed relaxed, but before I can even finish a sentence he disregulates.  The latest incident was my nephew asked if our daughter could be the flower girl in his wedding.  He has met the nephew a few times and seemed to like him fine.  We were chatting quietly over coffee so I tried to ask what he thought but he started yelling and was mad at me for several days.  He said I was crazy for asking because my family and children will be there.  I did not go to the wedding so now my family is upset with me.  He refuses to go to counseling together or alone.  We went before and it was a disaster.  He doesn't have any close friends or anyone that he trusts or respects.  I am at a loss as to what, if anything, I can do.

There is a long list of things I have had to give up in this relationship, but this one is too hard to accept.  Leaving is not an option.  Any suggestions are appreciated.

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[OffRoad]

I am so sorry leaving is not an option. This does not sound like a good place to be.  What reason does he give for not wanting the kids to see each other? He just doesn't like them? Or they are smart enough to stay away from him and that bothers him?

I don't know your situation, but can you let him be mad at you for several days? If you had gone to the wedding, would he have physically abused you or your kids? He's already verbally abusing you, so if he was going to be mad anyway, could you have gone to the wedding and there have been little difference? Is he home all day and you can't go visit your family when he is at work?

Please help me understand why he gets to tell you who you get to see.

[LilMe]

Thanks for taking time to respond. He is blind so is always home. He mostly yells and says mean things or threatens to throw me out when he is angry and I do not want the children at home to have to witness that. The other children and my mom do not want to be around him. My mom wants to come to our daughter's piano recital in two weeks. He will not be happy. I'm not sure if I should let him know ahead of time or just wait and see what happens. Ugh.

[formflier]

Thanks for taking time to respond. He is blind so is always home. He mostly yells and says mean things or threatens to throw me out when he is angry and I do not want the children at home to have to witness that. The other children and my mom do not want to be around him. My mom wants to come to our daughter's piano recital in two weeks. He will not be happy. I'm not sure if I should let him know ahead of time or just wait and see what happens. Ugh.

Lilme,

Tough spot to be in... .really tough.

Boundaries is what I would hope you could read about in the lessons... .

Here is the basic thing... .your husband gets to have an opinion... .you get to have an opinion.  He doesn't get to control you... .unless you allow it.  And you don't get to control him... .unless he allows it.

Personally:  I'm bad about still trying to "negotiate" with my wife that has BPD traits.  Trying to "cut a deal"... .it rarely works out well.  What seems to work better is for me to make emotionally healthy decisions... .decisions that support my values... .and move on with my life.

That is in my control... .and I should be in charge of controlling my decisions.

Also very important to realize what is not in my control.  My wife's reaction to my decisions is not in my control.  She is entitled to dysregulate... .huff... .puff... .stomp... .threaten... .(I'm sure many can add to this list... .)... .or she is entitled to be happy.

Either way... .my goal is to validate her emotion and move on.

If I spend time being upset about something that I can't change  I will most likely be upset a lot... .and frustrated.

Please don't change anything quickly... .lets spend some time making sure we have the principles right for you and your situation... .

Let's get you better educated about BPD. 

The... .let's put a plan into action that gets those in your family together that want to be together... .that seems to be emotionally healthy to me.

How does all this sound to you?

FF

[LilMe]

I can handle his reaction, but my young children shouldn't have to.  That makes it a bit tricky.  Yes, I am working on boundaries.  Tiny baby steps at a time! 

I know that part of my problem is thinking that I can make decisions about our children 'with' him like I could with a healthy person. Ha!  He makes all the decisions regardless of what I or the children want.  I must start just letting him know what I am going to do with the children and doing it.  I have done that the last two Thursdays and he is still mad.  Oh well!  The children and I have had good times with our friends at a weekly playgroup.

Unfortunately, anything to do with my family and older children is a major trigger for him.  He yelled at me yesterday because my grown daughter left a message on our home phone last week because she couldn't get through on my cell.  He had been stewing about it for over a week!

I will definitely review the boundaries info and pull out all my BPD books.  I must say that I am not afraid of leaving.  I can take care of myself and my children and did so before he came along.  My problem is with legally defending myself and our young children from joint custody.  He is high functioning and very convincing with a high powered lawyer and connections in our small community and I do not have any financial resources right now.  Long story, but that is why I came back after I had left.  I thought if we could handle it for a few more years, the children will have a say in things.

Thanks for taking the time to write!  Boundaries will be my mantra!

[formflier]

  I must start just letting him know what I am going to do with the children and doing it.  I have done that the last two Thursdays and he is still mad.  Oh well!  The children and I have had good times with our friends at a weekly playgroup.[/quote]
LilMe,

I'm a "good, better, best" kinda guy.  Just so you know where this is coming from.

I think your approach is most likely better.

It may take some trial and error to find "BEST". 

How far ahead of time you tell him may matter.  Clarifying "his choices" and "your choices" may be better.

Just doing it may also be best.

Hopefully... .you can have time with kids and do "your" things with them.  Being obvious about him having same choices/chances is usually the ideal.

Work backwards from there... .taking into account how high functioning he is... .and his reactions.

Any thoughts on this so far?

FF

[LilMe]

I have been trying to find the best timing, by trial and mostly error!  At this point, I haven't figured it out - and wonder if I ever will.  He can be an excellent father and does lots of fun things with the children without me.  I am fine with that.

I think part of why he is so hating my family and children lately is that his daughter (18 from a previous marriage) completely and utterly ended their relationship unexpectedly a few months ago and is marrying a guy that he hates next weekend.  Her beau is a super nice guy and, sadly, I think she did the right thing.  He has a wonderful family who loves and supports her.  Her mother has dementia and is completely unresponsive so she really needs family support now.  UBPDh says it doesn't bother him, but I know it does.  It hurts him that my family loves and supports me no matter what.

You have verified what I felt was the way to handle this.  Now to actually keep moving forward and not be dragged down!

Hugs and thanks!

[formflier]

You have verified what I felt was the way to handle this.  Now to actually keep moving forward and not be dragged down!

Can you put some details behind your thinking... .? 

What is this going to look like?

FF

[LilMe]

I'm waiting for my mom to decide if she is coming here or I am going to her place (she is 2 hours away).  Then I must decide when to tell uBPDh and then follow through without getting crushed in the fallout.  That's the plan at this point.

He has been having daily episodes of disregulation, but they are relatively short-lived.  He gets over it in a few hours, but still acts like he hates the world the rest of the time.  I just have to keep reminding myself that this won't last forever.  This is just part of his normal cycle.  One day he will wake up all happy and kind and be like that for a while.

I got a letter yesterday from my ex telling me he is moving an hour further away (now will be 2 hours away).  I visit the children that live with him every other Monday for a few hours and I have to pick up and drop off at their home.  I was surprised uBPDh didn't have a meltdown over that.  It will eventually happen.

Thanks again!