Found the source of some of my codependency and irrational beliefs.

[misuniadziubek]

The bright side of dealing with a pwBPD is that it offers a lot in terms of motivating oneself to seek out resources about the disorder and in the process finding out a lot about yourself.

When my uBPDbf pushed me to what felt like the end of my rope, I felt like a shattered person. Surviving his unbelievable dysregulation was traumatising. For the first time I saw a complete stranger in him. He was indifferent to my pain. All my efforts to get him to understand how much he was hurting me were futile. All he saw was how much I let him down with my recklessness.

I confronted him. I told him it was emotional abuse, what he put me through. He told me he was pretty sure we were done.

And so I felt shattered. Like there was a few versions of myself, each with a different purpose to help me through it. And so I looked up dissociative states. I recognised my coping methods.

Instead I found him. Perfect descriptions of every mechanism he underwent when he was upset. The way he idealised me in the first months of our relationship. All his irrational fears. The hypocrisy. Every dysfunction or his fit into a pretty little box. Everything was simple all of a sudden.

Except that it was extremely complicated. It felt like my whole relationship was a lie. Like everything beautiful in it had been rotted down to a decomposing mess.

I remember the roses he got me for Valentine's Day. I felt so guilty. He told me he had these wonderful plans and that I ruined them. I cried for hours. I hated myself for not being enough. For letting him down. The roses were a guilt trip.

Not being enough. Story of my life.

I remember a specific moment in my childhood. I was maybe 9 or 10. Something had happened. My parents were angry with me. I felt like I was always letting them down in one way or another. Never being enough. It was something simple, though. Not cleaning up the laundry room or perhaps burning some burgers on the stove. Nothing serious enough to make your child think they are a failure at life.

Neither is losing the keys to your car and needing your boyfriend to pick you up for your Valentine's Day plans.

And so, in my young child-like mentality, I decided that from now on I was never going to let anyone down again. I would be... .perfect.

In every way. Clean room. Perfect grades. Always finishing my chores. Always smiling. Obedient. Like a robot. I remember crying so hard. Writing in my journal that I'd be perfect. I'd never fail again.

In the moment, it made sense. Right now, I realise that it's probably the most irrational and dysfunctional belief I ever took on. It ruined the rest of my childhood.

Mind you, I was a pretty great kid already. I was highly empathic, incredibly intelligent and intuitive, spent so many days teaching my younger brother how to read. And yet I felt like I wasn't good enough because I couldn't make my parents happy. All I ever gave them was disappointment. It wasn't true, but yet I'd been lead to believe that, perhaps even unintentionally.

Mistakes are the basis of achieving personal success, becoming better. I became afraid to make mistakes. I never tried things where I could fail. I became emotionally and socially stunted somehow. I couldn't handle failure. I felt like I was the one that had to fix everything, fix everyone, make everyone happy.

It's not fair. I never learned proper boundaries. I spent my life fixated on an ambition I could never fulfill. There is no point to being perfect.

I don't blame my parents, though. They did the best they could. My mom had NPD. I just have to let go of that belief, because it serves no function. I can live a happy, fulfilling life just the way I am.

I'm really getting there. Healing. Adopting healthier values, being aware of my own worth without feeling the need to prove it.

[Blimblam]

Yeah wow

It sounds like you really integrated the origins of te pattern into accepting it's manifestations and even to a lot of forgiveness towards the other to enable those dysfunctional patterns.

I guess I can relate in that I'm sort of at a point that in my patterns it has like a "void," perfectly situated for another role that I can be a failure too. For a while I was upset and externalizing dealing with that part of myself by conjuring up visions of my ex the orbiters etc to access that void.  Then it just sort of clicked and it's like I can see that space in myself as part of myself now.  I realize that's sort of the solution is that awareness.

It reminds me of that movie jacobs ladder, there's this line where he quotes miester Echart it goes something like, miester eckhart saw demons too but he realized they were really Angels trying to set him free.

I guess that can be in my opinion misconstrued to seeing the glass half full vs half empty but that's not how I see it at all. It's more like we repress those painful feelings into this idea of an other.  Then we spend the rest of our life desiring to make amends with that other but the mere fact we perceive it as an other dooms us to failure and the people that come along in life we play out that internal drama with are really the ones to help us to finally understand that.

[doubleAries]

misuniadziubek--super, thanks for sharing this.

I too am going through similar realizations. No, it isn't "pleasant" but it IS real. It's also a relief. A relief to lay down the self imposed (ir)responsibility of understanding and "fixing" others, which is a horribly frustrating and futile mission. When we stop trying to reject and avoid all "negative" emotions, we can finally see ourselves with more clarity and less self scathing judgment. Which means we can work towards learning the things we didn't learn when we were kids instead of just thrashing ourselves for not knowing.

I was just reading (right before I read your post!) in a book called "Complex PTSD" by Pete Walker (he has lots of cool and free info on his website too) about how the child of the NPD becomes a perfectionist. My father was a diagnosed NPD (my mother, who he was divorced from when I was an infant, is a Sadist PD). I don't meet the criteria for PTSD, but some of it really hits home, and so the book is very helpful anyway. You might want to check into Pete Walker's website (or the book itself--he's a therapist but also a child abuse survivor himself), and see where to go next after the realizations, which are a huge and important step but only a first step.

Thanks for sharing your authentic voice with us, for stripping away the defenses and masks and baring your soul. it's freeing rather than frighteningly vulnerable, isn't it? 

[Deeno02]

Really good topic. Ive been struggling the last day or two wondering if Im a good man. In my mind and the way I was made to feel by her, that I just wasnt good enough for her. I guess the reality was I was used as her ego boost until someone came along that was better suited to her social group and lifestyle. Hard pill to swallow and does nothing for my self esteem. Really about the only thing Im greatful for is that this b/u dug up stuff from my childhood that Im working on. Being ignored, left alone and never validated in anything as a child. Playing Hockey, Football and Volleyball at a standout level with no one in the stands. Coming home to the same. Then this relationship were I was mentally, verbally and emotionally abused because I let my fear of loneliness/abandonment and low self worth keep me hanging on to something that was wrong and I knew it was wrong. I gave my heart to a woman with 5 kids. I was all in. It was so wrong that I was willing to be so selfish that I wanted to take my own life to be relieved of this horrible feeling of being unwanted by anyone. I'm tired of being an after thought. Tired of not existing. Tired of helping everyone but getting none in return. I cant undo the damage this woman left on me, but I can make sure it never happens again. I'm far from being an attension seeker, but every now and again someone to check on me once in awhile would be nice.

[misuniadziubek]

misuniadziubek--super, thanks for sharing this.

I too am going through similar realizations. No, it isn't "pleasant" but it IS real. It's also a relief. A relief to lay down the self imposed (ir)responsibility of understanding and "fixing" others, which is a horribly frustrating and futile mission. When we stop trying to reject and avoid all "negative" emotions, we can finally see ourselves with more clarity and less self scathing judgment. Which means we can work towards learning the things we didn't learn when we were kids instead of just thrashing ourselves for not knowing.

I was just reading (right before I read your post!) in a book called "Complex PTSD" by Pete Walker (he has lots of cool and free info on his website too) about how the child of the NPD becomes a perfectionist. My father was a diagnosed NPD (my mother, who he was divorced from when I was an infant, is a Sadist PD). I don't meet the criteria for PTSD, but some of it really hits home, and so the book is very helpful anyway. You might want to check into Pete Walker's website (or the book itself--he's a therapist but also a child abuse survivor himself), and see where to go next after the realizations, which are a huge and important step but only a first step.

Thanks for sharing your authentic voice with us, for stripping away the defenses and masks and baring your soul. it's freeing rather than frighteningly vulnerable, isn't it? 

I started reading the articles on his website. It's hard, honestly. It rings too true to me. I can only take in a few sentences at a time before it's too overwhelming.

The nice part? I accept my emotions. I accept my triggers. I get angry, and I'll rant about it, write about it, talk about it. And then I'll realise all of a sudden why I'm triggered, why I act the way I do. And I start to cry. I start to release those emotions, that pain. I tell myself that it's okay. And that's how I know I'm getting better. Very slowly, peeling away all those repressed emotions, dysfunctional beliefs, the shame, the distrust.

It's extremely freeing. I only feel vulnerable when they bubble inside me without coming out.

And the most incredible part? I don't blame anyone. Once I see the source of the problem, I let go of the guilt, I actively try to forgive. The person who hurt me is in the past. They can't hurt me anymore. My present relations, interactions are all my own choice, and I choose to express kindness gratitude, love and vulnerability as much as possible. It's not their fault they were like this, just as it's not my fault this lingered inside me.

[doubleAries]

 

I know what you mean. I am a very fast reader and it is taking me forever to get through the book. I keep having to go back and re-read, my mind wanders off in the middle of a paragraph (something I never do when reading).

And it keeps coming back to the same thing over and over--the same thing my counselor keeps telling as well and I keep "conveniently forgetting". Insights and realizations, as valuable as they are, don't repair this problem. It starts with emotional grieving.

[misuniadziubek]

Yeah wow

It sounds like you really integrated the origins of te pattern into accepting it's manifestations and even to a lot of forgiveness towards the other to enable those dysfunctional patterns.

I guess I can relate in that I'm sort of at a point that in my patterns it has like a "void," perfectly situated for another role that I can be a failure too. For a while I was upset and externalizing dealing with that part of myself by conjuring up visions of my ex the orbiters etc to access that void.  Then it just sort of clicked and it's like I can see that space in myself as part of myself now.  I realize that's sort of the solution is that awareness.

It reminds me of that movie jacobs ladder, there's this line where he quotes miester Echart it goes something like, miester eckhart saw demons too but he realized they were really Angels trying to set him free.

I guess that can be in my opinion misconstrued to seeing the glass half full vs half empty but that's not how I see it at all. It's more like we repress those painful feelings into this idea of an other.  Then we spend the rest of our life desiring to make amends with that other but the mere fact we perceive it as an other dooms us to failure and the people that come along in life we play out that internal drama with are really the ones to help us to finally understand that.

It took me 5 days to understand what you wrote. Moment of clarity simply because I'm in a different mental state than usual. It's true. Emotional patterns that aren't productive towards the end goal get dissociated into a separate other. We're fine as long as they don't come up to the surface. They are episodes. They don't count.

I was doing mindfulness focused stress relief program. Lots of meditation and started having these episodes more and more often. Feelings emotions started coming to the surface and without having someone to guide me through it, I became very vulnerable and delicate. My compulsions made no sense to me. My worst decision was that I stopped those very meditations and got stuck in between for a while. Not having fully integrated or processed those emotions, intrinsic memories.

I know what you mean. I am a very fast reader and it is taking me forever to get through the book. I keep having to go back and re-read, my mind wanders off in the middle of a paragraph (something I never do when reading).

And it keeps coming back to the same thing over and over--the same thing my counselor keeps telling as well and I keep "conveniently forgetting". Insights and realizations, as valuable as they are, don't repair this problem. It starts with emotional grieving.

I'm reading " the body keeps the score " right now. It's a book about trauma and PTSD. Having taken a stance of letting what be come up to the surface, I get stuck on paragraphs too and have for the past couple of days been experiencing emotional flashbacks. I can't put words or images to it, it just expresses itself through paralyzing fear, feelings of helplessness and tears. I was reading a paragraph on victims of trauma feeling an inability to escape while experiencing the original event and it encompassing their life, where they reexperience that inability to escape regularly and suddenly put a scene to exactly that feeling. Had to stop and exploded in tears.

I really think for moments like that I'd benefit from some form of psychotherapy, but no job means no money or insurance. My psychiatrist recommended it, but he is not available for one on one himself, being booked up for the next two years and hes the only one I can get through basic insurance :P

[Blimblam]

If you are in a position to get psychotherapy definately go for it. But if not like myself I recomend meditation.  I meditate somewhere between 20-30 hours a week. At one point I was meditating like 50-70 hours a week.  The "gains," may come slowly and it is mostly uncomfortable painfull and slow but it's built on a solid foundation not a house of cards dependent on holding another in contempt. 

[misuniadziubek]

If you are in a position to get psychotherapy definately go for it. But if not like myself I recomend meditation.  I meditate somewhere between 20-30 hours a week. At one point I was meditating like 50-70 hours a week.  The "gains," may come slowly and it is mostly uncomfortable painfull and slow but it's built on a solid foundation not a house of cards dependent on holding another in contempt. 

Yeah. Meditation really does make a difference but it's sometimes so difficult to do it once I start to really feel.

The most amazing part... .While I'm rational, calm, normal, I feel good about myself. Like every thing I am is fine.

But when I get triggered, when my pwBPD starts to dysregulate, that part is gone. Replaced by a small child, I see everything through a filter. And suddenly I'm not worthy of anything. My needs don't count. I'm of no value. It's an incredibly vast contrast. Who I am actually vs. That small insecure child.

[Blimblam]

Ugh I remember those triggers.  I realize those triggers were indicators I had a lot of inner work to do.  Creating a space to dwell in that pain/fear/insecurity/shame is vital.  The hard part is if you don't find that space it's like being stuck in a narrative of explaining yourself to a brick wall.

[doubleAries]

One of the reasons I love the Pete Walker book is because he's the first person I ever heard describe this (having grown up neglected and/or abused himself). he points out that mindfulness/meditation don't really work until you learn a healthy "fight" response against the inner critic (inner terrorist is more like it). The emotional work has to come before the cognitive work. I agree--that's the brick wall I've been running into.

he also says one of the key things to look for to let yourself know you are in an "emotional flashback" is feeling small and defenseless.

kind of mind boggling to read someone else describe these things... .

[misuniadziubek]

One of the reasons I love the Pete Walker book is because he's the first person I ever heard describe this (having grown up neglected and/or abused himself). he points out that mindfulness/meditation don't really work until you learn a healthy "fight" response against the inner critic (inner terrorist is more like it). The emotional work has to come before the cognitive work. I agree--that's the brick wall I've been running into.

he also says one of the key things to look for to let yourself know you are in an "emotional flashback" is feeling small and defenseless.

kind of mind boggling to read someone else describe these things... .

I had that very type of emotional flashback last night. My pwBPD was blocked off because he was angry and so we weren't cuddling. But I needed to feel that safety and affection so badly. I needed him to hold me. If he doesn't, I panic.

And suddenly I felt those very same tears I was crying every night when I was four right after my parents had moved to a different country. Sleeping by myself in my own room for the first time in my life. Not having the comfort of knowing my grandparents or cousins were in the room with me and I could cuddle up to one of them. Just this extreme feeling of abandonment and loneliness. I don't know how to explain it. Even the taste of the tears was the same. And momentarily I'm paralyzed in these emotions. And thoughts like no one loves me, no one cares. I'm not worthy of being held.

So yeah. I recognize it very well.

You might be right. Maybe that's why I ended up with this aversion to the mindfulness therapy.

[Suzn]

What an incredible thread misuniadziubek.

I start to release those emotions, that pain. I tell myself that it's okay.

You are giving your inner child a voice when you recognize the pain. She's talking to you through emotions and you are answering her.

Every time I get triggered I know who is doing the talking, it's her. I do a lot of visualization to help with this. I imagine her being upset, (when I'm upset) and I remind myself (her) that I am here to protect her now. It helps.

I remember when I first started doing inner child work that I started dreaming about her. There were only a couple of dreams but the last one stood out, I'll never forget it. She was sitting and letting me brush her hair. There was a mirror in front of us but I could only see her in the mirror, I was standing too much to the side to see myself. She was being silly and smiling. She was letting me take care of her, she trusted me. It was a good dream.

[misuniadziubek]

What an incredible thread misuniadziubek.

I start to release those emotions, that pain. I tell myself that it's okay.

You are giving your inner child a voice when you recognize the pain. She's talking to you through emotions and you are answering her.

Every time I get triggered I know who is doing the talking, it's her. I do a lot of visualization to help with this. I imagine her being upset, (when I'm upset) and I remind myself (her) that I am here to protect her now. It helps.

I remember when I first started doing inner child work that I started dreaming about her. There were only a couple of dreams but the last one stood out, I'll never forget it. She was sitting and letting me brush her hair. There was a mirror in front of us but I could only see her in the mirror, I was standing too much to the side to see myself. She was being silly and smiling. She was letting me take care of her, she trusted me. It was a good dream.

That's really lovely. Yeah, after the first couple times I experienced that panic with my pwBPD and that rush of emotions, I started to recognise where that came from and started to see that small child in me. I was listening to some audio tapes at the time, where a chiropractor was talking about 'at what point did you get stuck emotionally' and how we go back to that state every time that we endure some sort of painful experience.

He talked about a retired flight attendant who had adopted a 5yo orphan child from Korea who was on a 17 hour flight with the person that was picking her up to take her to New York. That she was screaming and traumatised by the experience and wanted to die.

He then asked her, how many times has your daughter tried to commit suicide? And the woman started crying. Because there had been at least 5 separate incidents of her daughter trying to kill herself in 20 years despite growing up in a loving and warm home. That's how he drove home the point that whatever moment we got 'stuck' on is where we go back to every time life becomes too hard to handle.

I realised at some point in the last 2-3 years that for over 20 years of my life, every night before bed I've been comforting that very child. I would always imagine kind parental figures taking her in and comforting her, showing her that she's safe. I never realised fully that the child was me. It was like a natural coping mechanism that I developed and always thought I was weird that I did that. When she's happy, I don't go to that place as often. She doesn't always need me in the same way.

Which is why it makes sense that since my BF is the first person I've ever slept next to/with overnight consistently, I kind of give up the reigns of comforting that child, sleeping next to him is allowing myself to be vulnerable. It came with the expectation of cuddling and being close. Like a replacement for comforting that child. So when he rejects me in the sense of not wanting to cuddle and be close, that child is the one reacting and making it impossible for me to calm down. Because she can't handle abandonment like that.

Oh dear. This makes so much sense now.  

[Suzn]

I never realised fully that the child was me. It was like a natural coping mechanism that I developed and always thought I was weird that I did that. When she's happy, I don't go to that place as often. She doesn't always need me in the same way.  

I don't think it's weird at all. I think deep down we know the answers, for me it has been finding them piece by piece and putting them in place that can be difficult. Connecting the dots so to speak.

When I said I was standing too much to the side to see me I misspoke. I was seeing me, I was taking care of me. I thought that was weird but in a good way.

[heartandwhole]

Hi misuniadziubek,

You are doing such great work here, I'm grateful that you are sharing with us. I'm so sorry that your little self felt abandoned and not good enough. That is really painful and it's perfectly understandable that those feelings and thoughts would come up again and again. I think you are handling the difficulties very well.   Your post reminds me to pay attention to my "little heart." It's been a challenge, because she can be so quiet, dealing with everything herself. She's not one to cry out for comfort, so when I am busy or stressed, it's easy to forget her (my) feelings.

What you wrote about going back to that original state where we got "stuck" really resonated with me. I know Peter Levine's and Bessel van der Kolk's work have been very helpful to me. Have you experimented with paying more attention to your bodily sensations when you are triggered? I think many of us unconsciously "leave" the body when in the throes of intense emotions, and I don't mean serious dissociation, just avoidance, and/or dwelling on the carrousel of thoughts circling in our heads.

When I'm feeling just mildly stressed and I dive into the body to experience the sensations there, I immediately feel a grounding, calm presence and the mental "stories" slow down.  Of course, in the middle of intense emotions, it's  more difficult, but breathing through it and focusing on sensation brings me back into the present moment and out of the thoughts that are fueling the intensity. I also find that rhythmic movement helps, e.g., yoga, dancing, Tai Chi, etc... .

Thanks again for sharing your journey. I find your insights and effort inspirational.   

heartandwhole

[misuniadziubek]

Hi misuniadziubek,

You are doing such great work here, I'm grateful that you are sharing with us. I'm so sorry that your little self felt abandoned and not good enough. That is really painful and it's perfectly understandable that those feelings and thoughts would come up again and again. I think you are handling the difficulties very well.   Your post reminds me to pay attention to my "little heart." It's been a challenge, because she can be so quiet, dealing with everything herself. She's not one to cry out for comfort, so when I am busy or stressed, it's easy to forget her (my) feelings.

What you wrote about going back to that original state where we got "stuck" really resonated with me. I know Peter Levine's and Bessel van der Kolk's work have been very helpful to me. Have you experimented with paying more attention to your bodily sensations when you are triggered? I think many of us unconsciously "leave" the body when in the throes of intense emotions, and I don't mean serious dissociation, just avoidance, and/or dwelling on the carrousel of thoughts circling in our heads.

When I'm feeling just mildly stressed and I dive into the body to experience the sensations there, I immediately feel a grounding, calm presence and the mental "stories" slow down.  Of course, in the middle of intense emotions, it's  more difficult, but breathing through it and focusing on sensation brings me back into the present moment and out of the thoughts that are fueling the intensity. I also find that rhythmic movement helps, e.g., yoga, dancing, Tai Chi, etc... .

Thanks again for sharing your journey. I find your insights and effort inspirational.  

heartandwhole

You know, I just finally after two weeks received Bessel van der Kolk's book and just started reading it. That's what explained those 'visceral' sensations to me. Where the pain is so intense that it affects our gut and heart. And that people will go to any lengths to make that pain go away. Heh. Just realised I also have Peter Levine's book. I don't even know how I come across these things :D I think I'm really trying hard to help myself.

I do actually focus on my physical sensations when I'm in the middle of those intense emotions and it's helpful when they are intense and does help me come back to my present self and become grounded again. I learned how to do that in the mindfulness course and despite not doing the meditation part, I have taken advantage of the 'be present' part. It's a lot more difficult to do it in the midst of the extreme intense emotions where I feel like my stomach is about to explode. I have gone as far as to self-harm in those moments to release that pain even a little and I've found that does work. I have two scars on my arm from that and it leaves me feeling sad when I see them. Sad that it's been that hard at times. Sad that I couldn't help myself, be there for myself.

In terms of the rhythm and movement, it makes a lot of sense. I was reading Bruce Perry's book, 'Born to Love' and he talks about how rhythm and movement are the basis of brain development and in cases of childhood neglect you can improve a lot of function through rhythm classes. Kolk also talks about how the patients they saw in psych wards that had PTSD tended to not be very well coordinated and also how muscle memory gets stuck in traumatic moments as well, which is where we get muscle tension from.

I think maybe I need to focus on that. Yoga and movement. I'm not very well coordinated and I really enjoyed Yoga when I did it.