Ruminations

[Jack2727]

It's hard!

No doubt!

You sit there and wait quietly going through the motions on whether he/she will ever return. You replay the breakup's end and the final words. The final moments! The last moments you touched them. Saw their face.

Gone!

In an instant! The same person who said they loved you. The same person who you spent so much time with. So many text messages. So many calls! So many days being a part of their life, their family, their world.  

You remember the good times, the places you went together, memories of the person and the people you associated with when you were with her/him.

You remember the pain. You remember the shame. You remember the self sacrifices, the frustrations, the feeling that it seemed whatever you did was not good enough for him/her. The feeling that they already had one foot out the door.

That still doesn't change how you feel though. Days morph into weeks! You lay in bed at the end of the day, staring at the wall, wondering what he/she is doing. Who they are dating. Who they are sleeping with?

You feel like you are in some self imposed prison. Where space and time seems to have been in a suspended state. The cold winter winds give way to cool summer breezes. You miss them. You want them. You just want to pain to go away.

Time passes and it seems you have no answers. You wrestle with no contact. Wanting so bad to hear that person's voice. For them to wake you up from this cruel nightmare. You resist! You tell yourself that contacting this person is not good, in fact a continued validation of their mistreatment.

As much as your friends, family, and experts tell you that moving on is the best thing, you can't. Because, at first, it was so perfect. He or she was everything on paper you wanted. Their look, their feel, the way they smelled, the way they smiled, the way they made you feel about yourself.

You forget however the selfishness. The backhanded insults! The nights when they slept on the couch. The nights when they shut down intimacy. The shady behavior. The not so perfect nuclear family with more issues than National Geographic.

You forget the mistreatment. You forget how they never seemed to appreciate your sacrifices. Their efforts to ruin holidays and special occasions. Their self-centered attitude.

You ignored the signs! You ignored the warnings from the ones who knew them the most. The ones who said that there was a long list of victims left in the person's wake. You ignored the facebook stalking. A list a victims your ex would constantly spy on. You wondered who these people were. As it turned out they were just like you -- people who were caught in a lie. Trying to recover from the hell and wraith that you were about to experience.  

You think about the future. Redemption! Wanting to find the strength to rise above. Wanting to heal and find solace in the cruel and unfortunate ending. You hope for a day when you can look at their face and it doesn't bring you unbearable pain.

Yes, indeed that day will eventually come. But at what price? You know that trust, which you used to give so freely, now comes with a significant cost. You are afraid to trust yourself! You look at those around you, the ones who you never were with, and notice similar traits. You realize that you are attracted to the ones who have the capability to bring you immense pain.

You feel somewhat good about that. Good that this painful lesson did give you a new level of awareness. You realize that your love is valuable and needs to be earned. You know that you need to set boundaries and standards. You learn that his/her love bombing is for a purpose, for their need, not yours. You learn that love is like a field of sunflowers, that need to cultivated and grown over time.

You learn not to be too hard on yourself. That you are a good soul with good intentions. A tough cookie! Someone who is a lot stronger than imagined. A fighter!

You learn that sometimes we seek outwards to fill that hole inside ourselves. When someone with a personality disorder destroys your life you are left with you. You learn to love you, the strength, the resiliency, the guy/girl who got themselves out of bed and went to work. The guy/girl who spent months in their own self-imposed exile, with their good friend Netflix.

You learn to appreciate your family and friends. You family who were always there for you. Who listened to the hours upon hours of constant discussion about the ex. The friends who did the same, who made an effort to get you out of the self-imposed exile, back into the light.

You also learned to see those who were not there for you. The fair weather friends. The ones who were only there when they needed something or when things are good.

In the end you realize that you did your best to try to fit a square peg into a round hole. It was not your fault, alas. You can't fix something that is broken! You can't fix something that doesn't want to be fixed.

Twenty years from now when you are happily married and sitting around the dinner table on Christmas Eve you will remember your ex and laugh.

She was crazy!

Twenty years from now your ex will be there same. Still searching to fill that hole in their soul.

Thanks for teaching me how to fill mine. The answer lies within!  

[Reforming]

Great post Jack27

It really strikes a chord with me. What are the things that have helped you most to get through this process

Reforming

[FannyB]

Twenty years from now your ex will be there same. Still searching to fill that hole in their soul.

Jack

a well-written and thought-provoking piece. Plenty in there to digest for those struggling with the fact that their ex is apparently thriving whilst they are consumed with pain. You gotta play the long game - they can't. 

[mallard3868]

Very good piece! Like so many of the things I have read on these boards, it sounds like its coming straight from my own thoughts!

... .it really helps to see this now! We have been separated for one year, our 3 year anniversary is tomorrow (5/4), and my atty called friday to let me know "the papers" were ready and I could be divorced in a week!  UGGGHHHH!

Whats kinda funny is that only 2 weeks ago she "finally realized that (she) couldn't live without me and I am her one true love... .", I took my kids fishing last weekend and apparently she didn't like that at all! Havent talked to her in a week now, but our attys have been quite chatty!

[Irish Pride]

It's hard!

No doubt!

You sit there and wait quietly going through the motions on whether he/she will ever return. You replay the breakup's end and the final words. The final moments! The last moments you touched them. Saw their face.

Gone!

In an instant! The same person who said they loved you. The same person who you spent so much time with. So many text messages. So many calls! So many days being a part of their life, their family, their world.  

You remember the good times, the places you went together, memories of the person and the people you associated with when you were with her/him.

You remember the pain. You remember the shame. You remember the self sacrifices, the frustrations, the feeling that it seemed whatever you did was not good enough for him/her. The feeling that they already had one foot out the door.

That still doesn't change how you feel though. Days morph into weeks! You lay in bed at the end of the day, staring at the wall, wondering what he/she is doing. Who they are dating. Who they are sleeping with?

You feel like you are in some self imposed prison. Where space and time seems to have been in a suspended state. The cold winter winds give way to cool summer breezes. You miss them. You want them. You just want to pain to go away.

Time passes and it seems you have no answers. You wrestle with no contact. Wanting so bad to hear that person's voice. For them to wake you up from this cruel nightmare. You resist! You tell yourself that contacting this person is not good, in fact a continued validation of their mistreatment.

As much as your friends, family, and experts tell you that moving on is the best thing, you can't. Because, at first, it was so perfect. He or she was everything on paper you wanted. Their look, their feel, the way they smelled, the way they smiled, the way they made you feel about yourself.

You forget however the selfishness. The backhanded insults! The nights when they slept on the couch. The nights when they shut down intimacy. The shady behavior. The not so perfect nuclear family with more issues than National Geographic.

You forget the mistreatment. You forget how they never seemed to appreciate your sacrifices. Their efforts to ruin holidays and special occasions. Their self-centered attitude.

You ignored the signs! You ignored the warnings from the ones who knew them the most. The ones who said that there was a long list of victims left in the person's wake. You ignored the facebook stalking. A list a victims your ex would constantly spy on. You wondered who these people were. As it turned out they were just like you -- people who were caught in a lie. Trying to recover from the hell and wraith that you were about to experience.  

You think about the future. Redemption! Wanting to find the strength to rise above. Wanting to heal and find solace in the cruel and unfortunate ending. You hope for a day when you can look at their face and it doesn't bring you unbearable pain.

Yes, indeed that day will eventually come. But at what price? You know that trust, which you used to give so freely, now comes with a significant cost. You are afraid to trust yourself! You look at those around you, the ones who you never were with, and notice similar traits. You realize that you are attracted to the ones who have the capability to bring you immense pain.

You feel somewhat good about that. Good that this painful lesson did give you a new level of awareness. You realize that your love is valuable and needs to be earned. You know that you need to set boundaries and standards. You learn that his/her love bombing is for a purpose, for their need, not yours. You learn that love is like a field of sunflowers, that need to cultivated and grown over time.

You learn not to be too hard on yourself. That you are a good soul with good intentions. A tough cookie! Someone who is a lot stronger than imagined. A fighter!

You learn that sometimes we seek outwards to fill that hole inside ourselves. When someone with a personality disorder destroys your life you are left with you. You learn to love you, the strength, the resiliency, the guy/girl who got themselves out of bed and went to work. The guy/girl who spent months in their own self-imposed exile, with their good friend Netflix.

You learn to appreciate your family and friends. You family who were always there for you. Who listened to the hours upon hours of constant discussion about the ex. The friends who did the same, who made an effort to get you out of the self-imposed exile, back into the light.

You also learned to see those who were not there for you. The fair weather friends. The ones who were only there when they needed something or when things are good.

In the end you realize that you did your best to try to fit a square peg into a round hole. It was not your fault, alas. You can't fix something that is broken! You can't fix something that doesn't want to be fixed.

Twenty years from now when you are happily married and sitting around the dinner table on Christmas Eve you will remember your ex and laugh.

She was crazy!

Twenty years from now your ex will be there same. Still searching to fill that hole in their soul.

Thanks for teaching me how to fill mine. The answer lies within!  

I was thinking of posting something similar today. I'm glad I didn't. You nailed it better than I would've. BRAVO!

[simpleman]

Wow, amazing!  Thanks so much Jack. Bookmarked

[Jack2727]

Great post Jack27

It really strikes a chord with me. What are the things that have helped you most to get through this process

Reforming

I think you need to congratulate yourself everyday. As hard as it is to keep away from these people know that decision is probably one of the most loving things you can do for yourself. Don't be too hard on yourself also if you relapse and go into recycle.

You can't expect yourself to be firing on all cylinders. That will take time. You may have to go through some time of self soothing. You may gain some weight. Don't worry! Eventually you'll come out of it and be your best again.

We all have been traumatized. I think sites like this help. Being able to see that there are people who have gone through the same things. It does get better with time.

I'd also suggest to stay away from triggers. Anything that reminds you of him/her. I think anytime I see something associated with Colorado I get that feeling. Just know that you will be triggered and eventually you'll be ok.

What has helped me the most is my support system. You will naturally isolate yourself but don't shut out the people who care about you.

I think you also need to focus on you and get to the point where you can accept that they are crazy. I'm starting to get there. Some people are just not meant to be in functioning relationships. One of the blessings you receive is the ability to see that.

I also think that you need to have a vision in your mind of a positive outcome for yourself. I would suggest not dating at all until you are totally healed. Yes, this aspect stinks but you are doing yourself, and a future partner a favor. Going around and getting your frustrations out is not going to help you. You, in turn, will be using someone else and doing exactly what has been done to you.

Just keep going! A lot of days, especially in the beginning, it will be hard. For those of you who have just been destroyed know that it will get better. Don't get too down on yourself. Talk it out, even if it is with yourself alone.

":)isclaimer: other motorists may think you are crazy by talking to yourself but that can be remedied with a headset" HAHA

But seriously, get it out. Don't hold in the pain because it will do more harm than good.  

[rlhmm]

thank you Jack. great stuff!