Fog and remembering why I am NC

[ronallie]

It's been a LONG time since I have been on the forum. I am in a really good place in general!

NC with BPD mom for about 7 years.

Do you ever find yourself trying to pinpoint the "why" you are NC? It's like you cannot explain it with just one moment or issue. Its just so much

I have never blocked this out or anything, but the last couple days, I just feel so hurt from this one particular moment when I was about 16 or 17.

She said " WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET PREGNANT AND GET AIDS AND GET THE F*@k OUT OF MY LIFE!"

I remember my best friend was there too standing next to me.

Can you even imagine saying that to your kids?

This is just one of the many pieces of the puzzle of why I have no contact. The FOG lifts.

I feel like I am just now hurting from this comment. weird, right? this was 20 years ago or so.

I just needed to write this down. Thanks for reading

[Ziggiddy]

Hi  ronallie

and welcome back.

I'm not in NC although probably on the way there but I do feel for you. You made a decision, no doubt to protect yourself at a time when the behaviour had peaked I suppose. The emotion from that you probably dealt with to a degree but later down the track it softens, doesn't it? the idea creeps in that maybe things have changed, maybe things could be more optimistic - was it really as bad I remember? And then you remember how it really was and WHAM, suddenly gasping.

I'm guessing it has resurfaced for you because your head has figured out your ready to grieve for this horrible shocking thing - these awful words that were said to you.

No child should have to hear that and certainly not be publicly humiliated in front f a friend with such a thing.

No i can't imagine saying anything like that to my kids.

No normal parent would - it's just too far.

I'm sorry that happened to you. I really hope you are able to feel the compassion and grief you should for having to go through that.

Writing about it can be helpful. Knowing that others here too, know what it's like and how difficult it can be.

Thanks for sharing the next phase here

Ziggiddy

[ShieldsUp12]

Hi ronallie 

It's been a LONG time since I have been on the forum. I am in a really good place in general!

NC with BPD mom for about 7 years.

for me, it's roughly 5-ish years, although some contact was sporadic, and I had been reading her emails until 2012 when she instructed me to send a condolence letter to someone - long story, won't get into it here.

Do you ever find yourself trying to pinpoint the "why" you are NC? It's like you cannot explain it with just one moment or issue. Its just so much

YES. I actually have a really confusing issue where my uBPDm continually sends letters or emails saying she will never contact me again, and then she contacts me again as if nothing ever happened, which leaves me confused as to who is NC with whom exactly. It would be funny if it wasn't so danged confusing and sad and sometimes pretty scary. I think though, that my final straw was when she got really ramped up when my father (they were divorced a long time ago) was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I just made the decision that I had enough with his situation without allowing her manufactured drama to sideline/distract me from what was IMO way more urgent.

She said " WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET PREGNANT AND GET AIDS AND GET THE F*@k OUT OF MY LIFE!"

Wow. That is horrible. It's amazing the really vile stuff they can come up with to hurt their "targets".

It's good to process this and get it out of your system.  I find if I can actually talk about it with someone who truly understands it helps even more than writing about it, but processing it takes time. Go at your own pace. Be gentle with yourself.

[ronallie]

Thank you both for your comments. I am so very surprised by this recent hurt I am feeling.

I have no plans to contact or restart any relationship. The truth is I am super DUPER fine and happy without any kind of drama or abuse. Imagine that?   BUT the good person inside me will always give a second (third, fourth etc) chance because you will always want your Mom to be your Mom. It's always the "What if it's different this time?" kind of moments that catch up with you, right?

I suppose this new surfacing has to do with my recent reach out I gave to my little sister, 17 years old. Our relationship has been non-existent because it just became too hard during the NC years and trying to keep up with the her and to schedule to see her through uBPD mom. I am 36, so our age gap is big. I let her know I love her and think about her, and she responded positively. Which was such a relief because I harbor a lot of guilt for our relationship.

I worry she is going to ask me hard questions on WHY I don't talk to our Mother. I can't tell her in a simple way. I suppose she would probably understand a bit considering I can see her treated as the "black child" of their family.

( I say their family because of the sisters and my age gap, different Dads etc... .I was an only child until 14, so my role was both being either All good or All bad. If that makes sense)

Anyway, I don't have to tell her anything really, and if we ever do get to that level of conversation, I can answer in baby steps.

but back to the original feelings. This hurts.

I have children of my own, and I am careful not to call anything with the "S" word... .The "S" word in this house is "Stupid"  I can't even imagine being so hateful and nasty and try to tear down my kids... .

Grieving. When will it stop? Just when I think I am good, this stuff will pop up. ugh. Thank again everyone. Venting is good.