Hello..I registered today.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 la

I have been separated almost one year, not divorced yet. A working mom of two children, 6 and 7. We have been in christian marriage counseling for eight years on and off. When I finally decided to leave after 10 years of marriage last year and told him in the counseling section, the counselor thanked me in front of him. I went back to the counselor asking what kind of person he is, she said then he has a BPD, binge alcoholic, passive-aggressive, master manipulator. I met God last year going through this turn of my life but the paper work and interacting with him have been extremely tough and stressing. He refused to have a lawyer, tried to settle for $750 for two kids for four month... .He makes six figures and now he has the house rental income. I had a lawyer but my lawyer was the first year lawyer, I ended up giving the BPD all the half I have. But he has not given me the half he has. Not only I paid for the time they communicated but my lawyer said how pleasant the BPD was (He went in to get the check from me and the quit claim deed, no reason to be unpleasant). I have been giving $400 discount every month for child support through the past year. He had a woman next to the kids room on the second visitation and now he has a woman number four. He never sees children without a woman. Kids were crushed when he didn't come for his weekends. I pray for my children's emotions. I try as best as I can to help them cope but it is not easy. Seeing him spending plenty of money on his women and telling me his budget is too tight to contribute kids' after school activities (about $90 a month, of course I am paying my share too), I decided to be strong. I tried to be flexible and still I want to be flexible but not on my cost anymore. I tried to give in because I had been intimidated by him, I didn't want the emotional abuse anymore and the confrontation still scares me. But now enough is enough. I am not going to be pushed around. I am in the process of getting a new lawyer. I pray everyday to give me courage and wisdom. I am learning a lot about BPD and how to deal with. Reading articles on this website is helping me to cope with things that I am going through. I need more help with divorcing with him. I wonder if I can claim a primary legal custody. Thank you.

[Godslove]

 la

I have been separated almost one year, not divorced yet. A working mom of two children, 6 and 7. We have been in christian marriage counseling for eight years on and off. When I finally decided to leave after 10 years of marriage last year and told him in the counseling section, the counselor thanked me in front of him. I went back to the counselor asking what kind of person he is, she said then he has a BPD, binge alcoholic, passive-aggressive, master manipulator. I met God last year going through this turn of my life but the paper work and interacting with him have been extremely tough and stressing. He refused to have a lawyer, tried to settle for $750 for two kids for four month... .He makes six figures and now he has the house rental income. I had a lawyer but my lawyer was the first year lawyer, I ended up giving the BPD all the half I have. But he has not given me the half he has. Not only I paid for the time they communicated but my lawyer said how pleasant the BPD was (He went in to get the check from me and the quit claim deed, no reason to be unpleasant). I have been giving $400 discount every month for child support through the past year. He had a woman next to the kids room on the second visitation and now he has a woman number four. He never sees children without a woman. Kids were crushed when he didn't come for his weekends. I pray for my children's emotions. I try as best as I can to help them cope but it is not easy. Seeing him spending plenty of money on his women and telling me his budget is too tight to contribute kids' after school activities (about $90 a month, of course I am paying my share too), I decided to be strong. I tried to be flexible and still I want to be flexible but not on my cost anymore. I tried to give in because I had been intimidated by him, I didn't want the emotional abuse anymore and the confrontation still scares me. But now enough is enough. I am not going to be pushed around. I am in the process of getting a new lawyer. I pray everyday to give me courage and wisdom. I am learning a lot about BPD and how to deal with. Reading articles on this website is helping me to cope with things that I am going through. I need more help with divorcing with him. I wonder if I can claim a primary legal custody. Thank you.

[ForeverDad]

I had a lawyer but my lawyer was the first year lawyer, I ended up giving the BPD all the half I have. But he has not given me the half he has.

That is an unbelievable mistake for your lawyer to make.  You can't gift away your Leverage because then ex will stop the effort to seem cooperative.  You should have had the quit claim deed held in ESCROW until fulfilled his obligations, if any are in writing.

A question you might need to ask a new lawyer is whether some of the missteps can be undone due to the prior poor legal representation.  He was clearly unprepared for the slick posturing.  What you need is a lawyer who has (1) experience, (2) problem-solving abilities, (3) assertive and not easily fooled, (4) can call it what it is, (5) has real strategies and (6) able to take a case to trial (most lawyers only know how to make deals, file forms, hold hands and are unprepared for a trial).

Most cases, even the high conflict ones, do eventually reach a settlement.  The key word is 'eventually'.  Me, I settled twice and went to trial/testimony twice, quite an experience.  High conflict or intractable cases like ours usually go on for a year or two before we manage to sqweak out a less-lousy settlement.

Seeing him spending plenty of money on his women and telling me his budget is too tight to contribute kids' after school activities (about $90 a month, of course I am paying my share too), I decided to be strong. I tried to be flexible and still I want to be flexible but not on my cost anymore.

Sadly, being flexible and reasonable is perceived as weakness and invites boundary pushing.  He thinks he can get away with it. (And so far he has.)  I know this will be hard, but firm boundaries are required.  You may have to choose your battles, but you can't wimp out on the important stuff.

Depending on the terms of the order, usually Child Support is based on calculations set by the state.  If he ought to be paying more then likely the court will enforce it.  Ignore his poor-mouthing, it's BS.  Your new lawyer should use Discovery, Interrogatories, whatever to hold his toes to the fire of facts and documentation.  If he is making far more than you then he should carry the larger portion of the expenses.  Likely he will try to hide as much of his assets as she can, don't let him get away with it.  You can't get everything out there but don't just let him hog it all.

Regarding his missed visits... .frankly, let it go, you can't make him be a great parent, you can't even make him parent.  Instead, focus on yourself, your parenting and the children.

Have you read... .

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger

Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak  (how to help the kids)

[catnap]

ForeverDad gives excellent advise.  Perhaps the counselor your saw could recommend a good therapist for your children to see as well as yourself (perhaps you could continue to see her?) to help you all cope during this time. 

Then do find an lawyer as FD suggested that has experience with high-conflict divorce--Bill Eddy's book Splitting contains a good list of questions to ask a prospective lawyer.

Yes, you can definitely ask to be primary residential parent--after all, you are currently doing most of it. 

[Godslove]

Thank you soo much both for the advise. Foreverdad, You are so right. I hired a new lawyer. They are getting ready for a Complaint to summon him with no discount child support. (Yes, he makes a lot more, almost twice). We mostly communicated through email and texts. Yesterday, all of a sudden, he is asking me to call him back that he has a quick question. I texted, "Please email me your question. I would rather communicate with you in writing unless it is emergency involving our children so that you and I both are clear and remember what we discuss." He texted me back saying "too much to type. Need to talk."--I talked to my lawyer and texted him back by her advise, "Can you give me a little more information about what it is you want to talk about". His text back to me "It's going to be a long 12 years if you keep this up. Call me.". I didn't call him.

How do you communicate with your BPD? Am I not reasonable asking him to communicate in writing? I really want to answer him back "You didn't split the mutual stock yet, the things that you said you will pay, you didn't. You deceived me plenty of times. You ignore my emails about kids activities. You are the one who always ask me to change the weekends, and forgets about it. I asked you one little favor to come to pick the kids up 20 min. earlier one time after all your changes I accommodated. You asked me why and said no. You want to ask me something? You can find the time to type, oh, by the way it must not be a quick question like you said". but I know this doesn't get any way.

My lawyer saying she can him a letter requesting that he only contact me about child-related issues and that if there is anything else he wants to discuss, he can send the lawyer something in writing or have his attorney contact me, BTW, he doesn't have any. Should I do the letter?

Thanks so much for your time.

[rarsweet]

I know how tempting it is to throw their bad behaviors back in their face. Two things that help me is do not j.a.d.e and do practice BIFF communications. I do everything in writing, wait at least an hour before hitting send. And I ask myself whether I am creating an outcome I want. Why am I writing whatever I am writing. If the answer is to make myself fe good, revenge, tit for tat, letting off steam, etc I don't send it. I still think it, feel it, but I don't send it. I think a letter from your l is a great thing. Its boundary setting for you. I try to not base my actions on his actions. That makes us just reacting. You don't have to explain that you want to email so there's a record. You want to email so you have a reference to look at so your behaviors are based on something coherent. You want to email to make life easier for everyone.

[rarsweet]

I have told my ex repeatedly that I will communicate via email. He constantly tests it though. When I had to bring daughter to the ER yes I texted him. I wanted him to have that info right then.  After that he spent a couple weeks trying to text me again. I held firm and didn't respond. Then he tests again. I emailed him a question and he actually answered it at our child exchange, he said " guess you emailed me about being 15 minutes early next time". When I got home I emailed him" thank you for answering my email at the exchange this morning" he stopped for awhile. 2 days ago he texts me " I'm not getting your emails can you give me a call or we can talk at the next exchange" well I logged onto my email and sent him" just checking to see if your email situation is OK" he emailed back " yes they are just coming in scattered". First of all how would he know he isn't getting emails unless he is getting them. Its just boundary testing.

[Godslove]

Thank you! I just got done posting same question on the board because I though no one would see my post from the old thread. I was so glad to see quick advise. Thank you! Rarsweet, what is what is j.a.d.e. and BIFF communication? I really like your method to respond to wait and revisit.

[rarsweet]

Justify, argue, defend, explain... .don't do it, you don't have to. BIFF is brief, informative, factual, friendly. It really is a good thing! I try to stick to 5 sentences or less. An opening, supporting facts, my opinion, a conclusion, a request and closing. If I have to use commas to be grammatically correct its too long. I try to pretend I am writing something for school. Use " I" statements, not " u". For example. A no no is" you are always late" instead " I have an appointment to get to right after our next exchange, , i dont want to rush daughter, a little wiggle room would be great, could you try to get to exchange 15 minutes early, thank you".

[Panda39]

We mostly communicated through email and texts. Yesterday, all of a sudden, he is asking me to call him back that he has a quick question. I texted, "Please email me your question. I would rather communicate with you in writing unless it is emergency involving our children so that you and I both are clear and remember what we discuss." He texted me back saying "too much to type. Need to talk."--I talked to my lawyer and texted him back by her advise, "Can you give me a little more information about what it is you want to talk about". His text back to me "It's going to be a long 12 years if you keep this up. Call me.". I didn't call him. 

Good for you for not calling him!  Nice Job! 

This sounds like he's testing your boundaries to me. 

Keep the communication via email only.

It allows some emotional distance

It slows down the interaction so you can think and not get bullied into saying or doing something not in your best interest

It allows you to decide if you need to respond (is it about the kids or is it a tirade about nothing)

It allows you time to think about your response to something legitimate (using BIFF)

Most importantly email creates documentation (to protect you, to use in court, to discuss with your therapist... .)

Stick by your email only communication (don't respond to text messages either).  If you stick with this boundary your STBX will eventually get the message that if he wants to communicate with you that email is the only way to reach you. 

IMO during a high conflict BPD separation/divorce email communication is not only "reasonable" it is neccessary. 

You can only control what you do... .how you communicate.  He is going to do whatever he is going to do or not no matter if it's via email or by talking to him.  Email communication is for you, for your protection , as a buffer against harrassment, and as a tool to communicate with your STBX more effectivley.