Hi m0xiemom.
I'm so sorry to hear about all that you are going through with your husband, and especially that you feel so overwhelmed right now. Please know that all of us here can understand what you are going through, and we are all here to support you. You are not alone.
Relationships involving BPD can be very hard, and they can also be painful at times. The push/pulls, the rages, the silent treatments, the confusion of relating to someone who is disordered will make anyone feel exhausted. Everyone here can relate to that. I think it's a wonderful quality that you are so dedicated to your husband, and you can be proud of supporting him. I also think it's very natural to have second guesses when a relationship is so hard, but the good news is that there are indeed things we can do to help.
Relating to a partner with BPD requires that we approach the relationship in a different way than many other relationships. It is not something that is in any way obvious or intuitive, however. It requires learning a special set of tools. People with BPD (pwBPD) experience emotions with overwhelming intensity, and it is attempts to control these out of control emotions that lead to so many of the negative behaviors. We can help our partner with this, however. By using
the tools on the
Staying board we can better relate to our partners and to help to diffuse situations when they are feeling triggered. One of the most important tools is
validation - which is a way of acknowledging the validity of how our partner feels (although not their behavior; just the emotion). This has a powerful effect on many pwBPD because they so often feel invalidated. The other members on the Staying board would be happy to help you to better understand and practice these critical skills. I would recommend trying these with your husband and see how it goes. They can make a difference.
One other very important thing to remember is that this is not your fault. It is so important to realize that, because we can often be made to feel that things are our fault in these relationships. There may be mistakes that we have made, as in every relationship, but we are not the cause of the disorder. The disorder was there long before we ever even entered the picture. So, please always remember that you didn't cause this. It's not your fault. This is the disorder. This is BPD.
I'm glad that you have found us, m0xiemom. This site is a wonderful resource and support for those of us dealing with a loved one with BPD. We're here for you. You're not alone.
