Suddenly dumped by undiagnosed BPD husband

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Maybe he married you figuring your health might fail?

the day he got the last thing he needed admission to a #1 graduate program for free, which I navigated towards and showed the shortcuts and smart ways of getting the education for free), he dumped me.

He is a User and consequently a Loser.

Dr Joe Carver has a good website with several articles and we've even got a topic about one of them on our Articles board.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56157.0

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html

[ForeverDad]

Maybe he married you figuring your health might fail?

the day he got the last thing he needed admission to a #1 graduate program for free, which I navigated towards and showed the shortcuts and smart ways of getting the education for free), he dumped me.

He is a User and consequently a Loser.

Dr Joe Carver has a good website with several articles and we've even got a topic about one of them on our Articles board.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56157.0

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html

[still_in_shock]

Thank you for sharing the interesting resources. All I do - is reading these days trying to understand.

I still want to believe that those days when he idealized me to the skies and worshipped me like a goddess, he actually felt it that way and it wasn't part of the plan...

[ForeverDad]

Thank you for sharing the interesting resources. All I do - is reading these days trying to understand.

I still want to believe that those days when he idealized me to the skies and worshipped me like a goddess, he actually felt it that way and it wasn't part of the plan...

Whether he consciously planned it or not, you'll probably never know for sure.  It's very possible that's how he felt at that time in the relationship.  What you can be confident about is that it is a recognized pattern of two extremes - idealization during a honeymoon period followed by controlling behaviors, rejection, disrespect, etc.  If you stay or return then that love/hate pattern can morph into a never-ending repeating cycle - wash, rinse, repeat.  It's like having a season pass for a roller coaster, the ups and downs will keep occurring, time after time after time, ad nauseum, until you decide to get off.

[still_in_shock]

Today, a friend who knew my husband (not too well, but saw him occasionally) argued a reasonable point. While I kept telling my story saying he was BPD and sharing some details of his outrageous behavior, she said "he was a con man." She also said when her husband saw his CV (yes, when he was unemployed and I brought him to the capital, I was getting out of my way to use all my networks and connections to find him a job; and I sent her husband (who was employed at a solid govt structure) his CV for consideration), he said he was just too low and had no competencies to qualify for any proper/white collar job.

So when her husband heard what he's done to me, i.e. drastically changing his attitude after I lost my job and once established in the capital having dumped me, he said "well, he is a con man".

Now I wonder what's the case, is it BPD or were I am a victim of a con man indeed? I mentioned this to the friend and she said "He might have a disorder, but it doesn't make him any less of a con man. Due to the disorder or not, but he's conned you"

[ForeverDad]

So when her husband heard what he's done to me, i.e. drastically changing his attitude after I lost my job and once established in the capital having dumped me, he said "well, he is a con man".

Now I wonder what's the case, is it BPD or were I am a victim of a con man indeed? I mentioned this to the friend and she said "He might have a disorder, but it doesn't make him any less of a con man. Due to the disorder or not, but he's conned you"

Con men are probably more often diagnosed as Antisocial PD.  If there is ever a diagnosis.  And yes he can be 'co-morbid' with multiple PDs.  There is a spectrum of poor behaviors and some of the behaviors overlap multiple PD descriptions.

In the end a specific diagnosis is not as critical as recognizing the poor behaviors and dealing with them.  Courts generally do that, they deal with people as they are, most give little time or energy in fixing people.  Maybe Anger Management class but would a few classes ordered by a court even make a dent in his behaviors?

So the key is not to let him con you again and again.  Even though you've been burned there is risk you may be conned again by his protests of innocence, claims and promises.

This has been said many times so I don't know if there is an original quote to cite, but I remember on Star Trek the Enterprise's engineer Scotty finally exclaimed to those on the Bridge, speaking of the Klingons trying to keep luring the Enterprise away from Captain Kirk and the landing party with a second false distress signal, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!"

[still_in_shock]

I feel so sad today.

Today, was my 2 year cancer survivorship check-up. It is also his birthday. And the university cancer center I go to is the campus where he works.

We are separated for 4 months with absolutely NC. I was getting better moving on with my life and getting busy with the temp job that I've landed. Until today when the nurse who was taking my vitals before the doctor came in asked me if we've been to the fertility center (presumably with him) to freeze embryos, etc. And the question triggered the deep down emotions of extreme pain and hurt, especially around this particular subject of motherhood. I was sobbing unable to stop, all the way through the check up. Leaving the center, I had to stop by the reception of an oncological OBGYN (who is also watching me closely) to schedule a check-up with him.

So waiting for my turn, I was looking at the people around. There was a bold lady with one side flat chest scheduling a serioes of her chemos. There was a very young couple, prior to me in the line. She was too slender and was wearing casual home cloth and they were there for her chemo most likely. She had a handsome husband besides her all dressed up in the business attire, as he might have taken off of work to accompany her, with a wandering eye and checking me out (and for that I despised him, as my uBPDxh was alike. Due to the nature of my work, I work from home when he wouldn't see me dressed up for work. Soon after he announced he got bored with it, was giving me a very assessing look, commenting he did not see me all beautiful that I'd be if I were working outside - implying he doesn't find me attractive in home clothes-  and finally told me he didn't have romantic feelings towards me anymore). There were also other more mature couples checking in and out of the center. And that particular aspect that everyone had a supportive, loving and faithful spouses besides them when they come for the serious medical examinations - made me feel so lonely, sad and so shamelessly betrayed.

There, in the line, I was standing with tears pouring down my face. I could not stop despite my very strong efforts, and I was crying while  talking to the receptionist, scheduling the appointment and going through other logistics. I cried a lot. I felt dehydrated for the rest of the day suffering from a bad migraine that usually accompanies the dehydration in my case.

I came home, and I am feeling so mad at him. I am sure he is out celebrating his BD with newly acquired friends and stupid college buddies who he worshipped and to who he reported every single detail of our life, including the intimacy. And they were always sticking their noses into our life.

Right now, I feel really, really, really mad at him. It takes me quite an effort not to send him a text with copies of his texts telling him I'd never forget these - where he was flirting with girls (and we were still technically married) and telling them he was to grateful I didn't get pregnant from him with an an illegal immigrant baby... .This comment of his, hurts me so much... .As he knew how important it was for me to have children, how much I wanted them, and how insisting were doctors that I'd have them asap. Whereas he was doing everything possible to not discuss the subject, and was emotionally and mentally abusing me cringing every time I'd awe in admiration about some baby on TV or in the street, making angry comments when we'd watch moving where they showed kids saying things like "ewwww, they should put them to adoption", "kids are nasty", "no baby, don't look at babies. You aren't allowed" and would cover my eyes... .So he did this when were newly married and things were still tolerable.  And when things started falling apart and we were separating, he'd watch the same shows (house hunters, our favorite one) and make remarks like "awwwwww... .what a cute lovely baby... .awwwww... .what a nursery" when they were showing children's rooms, for instance. At that point, I was not even watching the show, but I was in the same room doing my work on a computer sitting with my back to the TV, and he was exclaiming all those (now) baby adoration comments implying "see I am divorcing you, leaving you, you didn't get the kids from me, and here - I actually love them"... .

Sometimes I think he is a psychopath... .Because doing this to someone who's just survived cancer and was full of hopes to have a family, and he was promising when he was convincing me to marry him, is just plain inhumane. By now I know he is a person with no consciousness, which is typical of psychopaths.

[still_in_shock]

Oh no. There is no chance for his return. And I know exactly the reason why. He is economically better off without me - I've helped him getting  a job in this city, getting in the #1 graduate program for free (he plagiarized the style of the winning essay I've obtained from a friend of mine who went to Columbia), he is ripping whatever benefits he can through the employer and the military he's been part of. So me, without a job at this point, is an extra mouth to his plate. Ridiculous right, as he is my husband who vowed to take care of me.

But, I know when he might be back. If he fails in life due to his BPD and finally admits he has issues, he'd come back to me as to the most compassionate and kind person he knows around who he thinks would take him back no matter what because so much she loved him. Only in this circumstance, when and if he fails, and I am sure none would want a man with so many problems in his head. Then he'd come to me for a shelter.

So when her husband heard what he's done to me, i.e. drastically changing his attitude after I lost my job and once established in the capital having dumped me, he said "well, he is a con man".

Now I wonder what's the case, is it BPD or were I am a victim of a con man indeed? I mentioned this to the friend and she said "He might have a disorder, but it doesn't make him any less of a con man. Due to the disorder or not, but he's conned you"

Con men are probably more often diagnosed as Antisocial PD.  If there is ever a diagnosis.  And yes he can be 'co-morbid' with multiple PDs.  There is a spectrum of poor behaviors and some of the behaviors overlap multiple PD descriptions.

In the end a specific diagnosis is not as critical as recognizing the poor behaviors and dealing with them.  Courts generally do that, they deal with people as they are, most give little time or energy in fixing people.  Maybe Anger Management class but would a few classes ordered by a court even make a dent in his behaviors?

So the key is not to let him con you again and again.  Even though you've been burned there is risk you may be conned again by his protests of innocence, claims and promises.

This has been said many times so I don't know if there is an original quote to cite, but I remember on Star Trek the Enterprise's engineer Scotty finally exclaimed to those on the Bridge, speaking of the Klingons trying to keep luring the Enterprise away from Captain Kirk and the landing party with a second false distress signal, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!"

[ForeverDad]

But, I know when he might be back. If he fails in life due to his BPD and finally admits he has issues, he'd come back to me as to the most compassionate and kind person he knows around who he thinks would take him back no matter what because so much she loved him. Only in this circumstance, when and if he fails, and I am sure none would want a man with so many problems in his head. Then he'd come to me for a shelter.

And if/when that happens you won't get back on the roller coaster.

Right?

[still_in_shock]

Of course not. But I do dream about the day to come when he'll come to my door apologizing, and I'll turn him down.

But, I know when he might be back. If he fails in life due to his BPD and finally admits he has issues, he'd come back to me as to the most compassionate and kind person he knows around who he thinks would take him back no matter what because so much she loved him. Only in this circumstance, when and if he fails, and I am sure none would want a man with so many problems in his head. Then he'd come to me for a shelter.

And if/when that happens you won't get back on the roller coaster.

Right?