How to distinguish if it's really over?

[gah]

My BPD bf had rages and he hated me.  Then he came out of his month long episode and we had a great week and a half.  My birthday was in that week and he spoiled me (ordered stuff and planned while he was raging - weird?)The man I fell in love with was back we did all kinds of things together, he was romantic, sex was back.  Then I asked (and triggered him) if he was committed to me and our relationship.  He says it's over, no rage, but calm, but all of the blame, the inability to reason, etc. and other signs are back. But no real rage - it is completely different than before. How do you know if it's really over?

He dumped me in a rage a few weeks ago and now he's saying we were broken up even though we had a normal week? 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[misuniadziubek]

Honestly? With a pwBPD, it's near impossible to read their mind. They go through intense emotions, but are also really good at manipulation.

To you, it might seem that everything was wonderful and that he was happy, but it's possible he was just analyzing the situation to figure out if he wanted to stay the relationship. 

I was in a situation a couple weeks ago when my pwBPD got kind of drunk. He had been really calm the whole three days we were together, but in his stupor calmly told me that he was pretty convinced we were over. He felt nothing for me. We had sex three times that day, but he said the passion wasn't really there and that he was going to start looking for someone else.

Though painful to hear I had no reason not to believe him. If he tells me something calmly... .Then he's probably not lying, it's how he feels. So I told him, let's have a break. I went NC for two weeks. 

[gah]

Did your partner come back?

[misuniadziubek]

Did your partner come back?

I didn't do it as a test to see if he'd come back or manipulation. I simply accepted that this is how he feels and so it's better for us to have a break than continue as is. After 2 weeks he desired to see me very intensely and wanted to move up our reunion, but I expressed that we should follow as planned. Things have been okay so far.

I'm saying that if he says that it's over, then you take it for it's literal meaning. PwBPD have the right to their own choices just as much as anyone else. There is no difference between 'really over' and 'over'. In the moment they are one and the same. They can always change their mind, but that all depends on how the feel about the relationship. It can be a wavering feeling.

I can't answer for your relationship. You know your partner better than anyone else here.

[Ceruleanblue]

The thing with BPD is things are so uncertain. Right after BPDh started seeing his psychiatrist, and getting on meds, he left me. Heck, he'd been threatening for three years. He did get calm though, which to me meant he was serious this time. After he left, he kept saying he was serious, and I believe at that time, he was. So, I filed for divorce, and HE actually got served the papers(which he is still disbelieving that I did that... .he thought I'd hang on and beg him back forever I guess). I went no contact for a few weeks, maybe more. I just accepted that he was done, but boy was I hurt and mad about it, after all he'd put ME through, and how hard I'd fought for us.

Well, I'm not sure what brought things around, but I called him up super mad over something I'd discovered and let rip on him, something I was always too afraid to do when I was with him. I figured I had nothing to lose, and it felt good to finally stand up for myself and let him have it. We actually started talking again, which led to dating, which led to him moving back, getting diagnosed and getting some real help. He's now in DBT, and we do marriage therapy, and things are really getting better.

I'd have never thought we'd end up back together, so you just never know. But don't wait around, and work on getting over him, because there are just as many stories of BPD people who just find it easier to move on once they've painted someone black. Look out for you, and let yourself grieve if you need to. If he's saying he thinks it's over, I'd give him space, and act as if it IS over. That will get you your answer I'd think. He'll either eventually contact you, or he'll move on. I'd give him the space to give you that answer though.

[misuniadziubek]

You just never know. But don't wait around, and work on getting over him, because there are just as many stories of BPD people who just find it easier to move on once they've painted someone black. Look out for you, and let yourself grieve if you need to. If he's saying he thinks it's over, I'd give him space, and act as if it IS over. That will get you your answer I'd think. He'll either eventually contact you, or he'll move on. I'd give him the space to give you that answer though.

I think you verbalised better what I was trying to say.

That's impressive though, and so strong on your part. I smiled reading this.

[pressonetohold]

Short answer, sorry, I have to go to work at my end, but What I just quickly want to say is this:

Sometimes rage is expressed by aggression, sometime the rage is expressed by being out of contact, which you might also interpret as an act of aggression. It might wane, and moods might change again.

Wait it out.

I obviously can't read your partners mind, maybe he really-really wants to end things. But with BPD a lot of the times they need some time to find out for themselves, if 'this' is really what they want. I learned to only draw conclusions after some time and cooling down, then some more talk/contact, in a different mood. Then see what is still there of the emotions of the last crisis. A lot of the time, things are much more subtle after some time.

I am in a two and a half year relationship, my partner hast 'left' me multiple times. That never really gets easy, as her emotions are very real at a moment like that, but I also know that her view changes most of the time, settles down, and that at some point, the underlying problem might be addressed.