Little Triggers

[Lifewriter16]

Over the past few days, I have been becoming aware that I am experiencing what feel like little 'wounds', anxieties or triggers during the day. I think these have happened a lot in my interactions with my BPDbf, but I've noticed they are happening in other aspects of my life too.

E.g. Today, I had a telephone call to inform me that my employment support worker was sick and was going to have to cancel today's appointment. I felt a momentary 'wound', but immediately denied it's existence saying: 'If you speak to her, tell her it's okay, I know she's not been so well recently." I sat with the 'wound' and realised it didn't feel okay at all. I suddenly needed a hug and I wanted to ask my BPDbf whether he loved me (which is ludicrous because we've split up). If I had had the opportunity to do that, he could so easily have taken it as being about him and been annoyed by my insecurity and my not believing that he loves me. The trigger wasn't him, but my immediate response was to direct my need at him. The point I'm trying to make is, I was suddenly feeling insecure because something had been triggered within me. I wanted to direct that insecurity at him and have him make me feel better. Since he wasn't available, I wanted to stuff the emotion down with food instead, but I avoided that temptation to enable me to reflect upon what was actually going on for me.

I know this has happened many other times and I have not dealt with the underlying emotion. Instead, I have eaten junk food or turned to a friend for 'company' (because I suddenly couldn't bear being alone) or moaned, got angry or picked fights with those around me. I can see that I have been doing this for years. It must have driven my husband/boyfriends crazy.  The more I see myself, the more BPD traits I seem to have. It's certainly giving me some insight as to what may have been going on in my BPDbf's mind when he's got angry with me. Now, I can see that something upsetting had often happened elsewhere in his life when things went wrong between us. It seems that it really wasn't about me at all, but I have been taking it so personally. Sometimes, I thought he really must have hate me. Now, I think that unlikely.

As to what emotion was underlying my neediness today, I haven't managed to figure that out yet.

Can anyone else relate to this? If so, what has been your experience?

[Reforming]

Hi Lifewriter,

Interesting post and I can relate to a lot of what you say. I think a lot us, NONs and BPD can struggle to self soothe when we're triggered or overwhelmed by painful feelings

I agree that a lot of us can try and use friends, food, alcohol to try and escape from difficult emotions. And if you've done that for a long time, or you've never really got to know yourself it can be hard to work out what those feelings actually are.

In my own experience abandonment, loneliness and emotional deprivation are often at the root of those feelings and they can hurt.

I've done some schema therapy over the last couple of years and I've found writing dialogues with my lonely child really helped me to soothe these feelings.

It can feel a little awkward for a while. In a sense you're beginning a new relationship with vulnerable part of yourself that you may not fully know, but over times it has really helped me build a better emotional connection with myself and give myself the reassurance and love that I need.

I'd also add while it's important to learn to be comfortable in your own company we are also social animals who need to spend time in the company of others to be stimulated, connected and taken out of ourselves

Reforming

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Reforming

Inner child dialogues sound like a very good way of dealing with this. I'm going to try it next time I want to reach for the biggest bag of crisps the shop sells!

Thank you

Lifewriter

[Reforming]

Hi Reforming

Inner child dialogues sound like a very good way of dealing with this. I'm going to try it next time I want to reach for the biggest bag of crisps the shop sells!

Thank you

Lifewriter

As I said, it can feel a little awkward and strange talking to the little you and it takes time to build a relationship, but it's a great way to understand what you're actually feeling and to learn how to self parent.

Ice cream is my self soothing food of choice 

[maxen]

hi Lifewriter.

As to what emotion was underlying my neediness today, I haven't managed to figure that out yet.

isn't it frustrating? i often know that i have something on my mind and i can't figure out what it is. i just cane through 3 weeks of poor sleep, waking at 4 am or such. i did have alot of sources of stress, but as i went through each, none seemed to be the reason. until i woke at 2 a few days ago, and realized that it wasn't any one thing, it was the combination, and there was one item i could, indeed should, put off for a bit, and then i relaxed. but why couldn't i see that right away? i wish i had advice here, but at least i think i understand the feeling.

Ice cream is my self soothing food of choice 

mine was pizza until i went for my annual and my GP showed me my cholesterol number 

[Reforming]

hi Lifewriter.

As to what emotion was underlying my neediness today, I haven't managed to figure that out yet.

isn't it frustrating? i often know that i have something on my mind and i can't figure out what it is. i just cane through 3 weeks of poor sleep, waking at 4 am or such. i did have alot of sources of stress, but as i went through each, none seemed to be the reason. until i woke at 2 a few days ago, and realized that it wasn't any one thing, it was the combination, and there was one item i could, indeed should, put off for a bit, and then i relaxed. but why couldn't i see that right away? i wish i had advice here, but at least i think i understand the feeling.

Ice cream is my self soothing food of choice 

mine was pizza until i went for my annual and my GP showed me my cholesterol number 

Sounds you've been going through a lot so food soothing is very understandable. When theres so much going on it's hard put your finger on one single feeling