It's been nearly 2 years...

[tango1492]

It will be 2 years this July that I have been split up from my ex uPBD bf. Last night I was looking through tons of pics of us together that I have but that I basically never look at for fear that I'll be super sad. We were only together for 1.5 years--- less time than we've been apart. Looking at the pics made me miss him so much. There are many sweet pictures of him with my then 7 year old son. My son loved him very much too. I hate to say it, but I do still miss him. The good news is that it doesn't hurt all the time or nearly as much as it used to. Time does slowly heal. I've been in another relationship for almost a year. I don't love my current bf the way I loved my ex uPBD bf. I doubt I ever will love someone like that again. That's a difficult reality to face. At the same time, my current bf and I don't argue much at all. Our relationship is functional and peaceful. That's important to me, as I have my son to think about. In many ways my life circumstances are better now too. I live closer to my family, have a nicer car, nicer home, better weather where I live, etc. Life is easier now in many ways, including the fact that I don't expend most of my energy wrapped up in drama with an uPBD partner/alcoholic. To this day it's confusing to think back on our relationship. He could be such a lovely person with so many wonderful qualities that I was extremely drawn to. He could be so wild about me, so flattering, so intense. Yet, he could also be incredibly hateful and mean, erratic, unpredictable. He was jealous and mistrustful. Leaving him is one of the hardest things I've done. I loved him so deeply, and I left in spite of that. I knew I had to get out... .that I couldn't live with his unpredictable behavior, that I had to get my son out of that environment where he was hearing yelling/arguing almost daily.

Also, I still occasionally break down and contact him via email. Maybe once every 4 months I send him a picture or tell him I'm thinking about him. He rarely replies and if he does, he just says he doesn't want to stay in touch and that he's trying to keep his life uncomplicated. I know I need to respect that and that I'm probably a major trigger for him. I used to be the one who was strict about NC. I was angry and extremely hurt and knew the only way I could possibly move on was to to have NC. Now that some time has gone by, I guess I wish we could say hi and check in occasionally. I wish it didn't have to be like he's basically dead to me, and me to him. Yet perhaps that is for the best in the end. In truth, whenever we have any communication at all, I just feel sad and miss him a lot. Even looking at pics just makes me feel really sad. So I can see the merit in avoiding all those memories and just staying in the NOW. I guess I'm still involved in the process of letting go. It's sort of disappointing to realize that nearly 2 years after the break up that I'm still struggling to fully let go.

[SunflowerFields]

I've been in another relationship for almost a year. I don't love my current bf the way I loved my ex uPBD bf.

Sounds to me like something in your current relationship is missing, which is making you reflect on your ex.

When I was dating after breakup with my ex, each so-so or unsuccessful r/s made me go back in my mind to my ex. The more I dated, the better it got, but it never fully disappeared. Until I met my now-husband. He was everything I wanted and needed - I felt completely fulfilled in every way - and had no reasons to think back of my ex. As a matter of fact, as our relationship progressed, it only made me realize more every day how unhealthy my old r/s actually was.

So now - back to you.

How much have you actually dated before meeting your current b/f?

Why did you choose to be with him?

Have you done any therapy for yourself, to make you understand yourself, your history (why you chose to be with your ex in the first place), and what it is you want and need in a man going forward?

I doubt I ever will love someone like that again.

You are right. If you do the work on yourself (therapy) and if you meet the right person for you - you will realize how what you had with your ex was not even real love - and you will love your new someone a hundred times more

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Tango,  sorry the struggle is still there.   Sunflower Fields,  you give me much hope.   Thank you for that!