36 days NC - a rollercoaster of emotions

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All, I have eeked through 36 days of no contact.  Of course, I have contacted him 5,000 times in my mind and he hasn't made any attempts to contact me. I am literally all over the map.  I am sad, hurt, confused, et cetera.  I can't quite get mad or angry.  I have convinced myself numerous times that maybe I am the nutty one and then it subsides.  I can say that this is exhausting and consuming.  I have recently found myself driving down the road with the radio off, which is quite unusual for me but it's almost like sensory overload mixed with the fear of hearing some triggering song.  Meanwhile, I can only speculate that he's just gone about his day, his week, his month without a blip of care.  I would be shocked to know if he spent 36 seconds on thinking about this or me at all.  I think that that is one of the biggest shockers, to care so deeply for someone that cares so little.  I don't think it will ever compute.  :)eleting that link to him on LinkedIn felt mean, my T said how is protecting yourself from being triggered causing him any harm?  Good point.  Still, I have always suffered from "terminal niceness" and that is likely why I ignored very vibrant red flags and obvious patterns.  I want a brain transplant.  My heart hurts but I think that my head may hurt more.  Ugh.  I just want this to be a very, very distant memory and I know that I can't rush it.  However, I have to untie this knot as he isn't worth this much anguish.  We weren't "together" that long but he played so many mind games that I am questioning everything.  Heck, he even had me questioning my own personal history, which is just plain bizarre.  My brain is scrambled eggs.  

[Olivia_D]

Hi All, I have eeked through 36 days of no contact.  Of course, I have contacted him 5,000 times in my mind and he hasn't made any attempts to contact me. I am literally all over the map.  I am sad, hurt, confused, et cetera.  I can't quite get mad or angry.  I have convinced myself numerous times that maybe I am the nutty one and then it subsides.  I can say that this is exhausting and consuming.  I have recently found myself driving down the road with the radio off, which is quite unusual for me but it's almost like sensory overload mixed with the fear of hearing some triggering song.  Meanwhile, I can only speculate that he's just gone about his day, his week, his month without a blip of care.  I would be shocked to know if he spent 36 seconds on thinking about this or me at all.  I think that that is one of the biggest shockers, to care so deeply for someone that cares so little.  I don't think it will ever compute.  :)eleting that link to him on LinkedIn felt mean, my T said how is protecting yourself from being triggered causing him any harm?  Good point.  Still, I have always suffered from "terminal niceness" and that is likely why I ignored very vibrant red flags and obvious patterns.  I want a brain transplant.  My heart hurts but I think that my head may hurt more.  Ugh.  I just want this to be a very, very distant memory and I know that I can't rush it.  However, I have to untie this knot as he isn't worth this much anguish.  We weren't "together" that long but he played so many mind games that I am questioning everything.  Heck, he even had me questioning my own personal history, which is just plain bizarre.  My brain is scrambled eggs.  

[dagwoodbowser]

Hey Olivia_D. Other than the mental Lasagna I hope you're doing well at work and in your health. I can't say I can offer any real suggestions other than trying to be The Watcher of your Thoughts. I was pretty much in same leaky boat and once I hit day 40 things just seemed to get better and I was better able to control both emotions and thoughts. From there it has been smooth sailing for several weeks although yesterday was a bad day. Out of nowhere I was kinda doing the same thing that was happening to you. I couldnt understand it. Yet, today I'm over it and now on Day 63.

It's a daily grind... .I know, but I would like to bet that in just a few more weeks you'll find you'll have your rudder back and have a little more control over your thoughts and emotions. Keep focused on your health, your well being and the other important aspects of your life if you can.

Hang in there... .dagwood

[Everlong]

Hi Olivia,

Gosh, your post looks as if I could have written it, myself. I know exactly what you are feeling. I worry, too, that my ex has completely moved on without a second thought, while I am left to dig out of this emotional hellhole alone.

I am here, right along with you, and am in the same place you are. My heart goes out to you, as does a big hug. 

[apollotech]

Olivia,

"Meanwhile, I can only speculate that he's just gone about his day, his week, his month without a blip of care.  I would be shocked to know if he spent 36 seconds on thinking about this or me at all.  I think that that is one of the biggest shockers, to care so deeply for someone that cares so little."

Your assumptions are probably correct, but that's his disorder. Brain transplant/heart transplant or not, the pain, anguish, sorrow, questioning, anger, loss, etc. that you're experiencing indicate that you're normal. The emotional hurricane does pass.

[Achaya]

I don't know for sure when we can say that someone whose interpersonal behavior is so confusing "really cares." I have gone around and around about this with regard to my own relationship. I gave up on answering the question because based on all I have learned, both BPD and npd are considered by mental health professionals to be very complex and difficult to understand. I decided that my ex partner's mind states during our relationship were probably similarly difficult to understand, so I am wasting time trying to clarify them. I have been less obsessive since giving up on the analysis of what partner was feeling towards me at any given time. She herself was not inclined to introspect, self-reflect or self-analyze, and she is the only one who can actually answer those questions.

I think what should matter the most is how people treat us, right? If we allow them to abuse us just because we believe they really love us, we are still allowing them to abuse us.

[Olivia_D]

Thanks everyone. I'm mentally exhausted. Part of his false person was acting introspective but now it seems as-if that's just how he got me to open up about my vulnerabilities. Mr. Introspection was one of the actors in his little play. The stage was full: 1) Mr. Nice Guy; 2) Mr. Career Guy; 3) Mr. Introspection; 4) Mr. Humility; 5) Dr. Jekyl; 6) Mr. Hyde; 7) Secret Agent Guy; 8) Mr. Dashing; 9) Mr. Amnesia; 10) Mr. Mamma's Boy; 11) Mr. Back to Me; 12) Mr. Dangling Carrot; 13) Mr. Vague; 14) Mr. Vanish; and then 15) me. So, I'm grieving 14 people not 1. No wonder it is confusing.

[Achaya]

Thanks everyone. I'm mentally exhausted. Part of his false person was acting introspective but now it seems as-if that's just how he got me to open up about my vulnerabilities. Mr. Introspection was one of the actors in his little play. The stage was full: 1) Mr. Nice Guy; 2) Mr. Career Guy; 3) Mr. Introspection; 4) Mr. Humility; 5) Dr. Jekyl; 6) Mr. Hyde; 7) Secret Agent Guy; 8) Mr. Dashing; 9) Mr. Amnesia; 10) Mr. Mamma's Boy; 11) Mr. Back to Me; 12) Mr. Dangling Carrot; 13) Mr. Vague; 14) Mr. Vanish; and then 15) me. So, I'm grieving 14 people not 1. No wonder it is confusing.

LOL! This is awesome Olivia! My ex had many of these parts also