Here we go again...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So i am back reading and writing on here... .

Now i wish i never left... .

My boyfriend of 4.5 years with BPD has called things off with me once again(5th time i believe?).

  We share our dog together so our split still involves contact when we drop our dog off or pick him up.

  I have noticed the past few weeks he has slowly been communicating more with me , and inviting himself to go on walks with me and the dog.

  Well today he wanted to take our dog on a hike, it seemed like a nice idea so i agreed:/

     Half way through he flipped out because we went a bit off the trail and were lost. He was yelling , im not even sure about what. Just really losing it.

   Then he says " ONLY YOU MAKE ME THIS WAY!, no one else sees me like this. That is why i need to just be alone, that way no one judges me and i feel no guilt.

  We finally made it back to the car then on the drive back he punches his windshield and cracks it! That snapped him back to reality and he was almost in tears about how he couldnt believe he broke his windshield.

    Then he said again, " we should not be any where near each other because you cause me to act this way". I responded by saying I did nothing to cause that, and he said to me " maybe its because i know you care about me and i cant handle the pressure or i dont understand why you care .

     I was shocked, this is the first time he has said something like this. I was relieved to feel like I had some answers and truth from him.

    Have any of you dealt with these type of hurtful statements suggesting like you bring out some "bad " side  to your BPD partner? If so, how do you handle it. I could use some pointers.

[JS0811]

So i am back reading and writing on here... .

Now i wish i never left... .

My boyfriend of 4.5 years with BPD has called things off with me once again(5th time i believe?).

  We share our dog together so our split still involves contact when we drop our dog off or pick him up.

  I have noticed the past few weeks he has slowly been communicating more with me , and inviting himself to go on walks with me and the dog.

  Well today he wanted to take our dog on a hike, it seemed like a nice idea so i agreed:/

     Half way through he flipped out because we went a bit off the trail and were lost. He was yelling , im not even sure about what. Just really losing it.

   Then he says " ONLY YOU MAKE ME THIS WAY!, no one else sees me like this. That is why i need to just be alone, that way no one judges me and i feel no guilt.

  We finally made it back to the car then on the drive back he punches his windshield and cracks it! That snapped him back to reality and he was almost in tears about how he couldnt believe he broke his windshield.

    Then he said again, " we should not be any where near each other because you cause me to act this way". I responded by saying I did nothing to cause that, and he said to me " maybe its because i know you care about me and i cant handle the pressure or i dont understand why you care .

     I was shocked, this is the first time he has said something like this. I was relieved to feel like I had some answers and truth from him.

    Have any of you dealt with these type of hurtful statements suggesting like you bring out some "bad " side  to your BPD partner? If so, how do you handle it. I could use some pointers.

[letmeout]

Those closest to a BPD are often their triggers to behave badly.

Mine was that way, and from what I've read on the forums, a lot of BPDs act the same with the person closest to them.

Makes no sense... .

[LonelyChild]

Yes, my uBPDxgf did the exact same thing.

She would scream and throw things around her, attack me both verbally and physically, all while screaming from the top of her lungs.

"Only you make me this way, no one else does."

"No one else makes me feel this miserable. NO ONE!"

For a while, I was thinking I was doing something wrong. Now? I think her relationship with me filled up with shame because of all her lies and how absolutely horrible she treated me. I think there was much repressed remorse and shame. She could not face it so she became ragingly violent instead.

I also think it has something to do with me being one of only two (I and her mother) who have seen the REAL her and still accept her for who she is. The insane, angry, acting-out child. None of her friends want anything to do with her after a couple of months. Not even her family of origin want to interact with her.

The reason - or one of the reasons - they have to move to new people and relationships all the time is this. They become ashamed and repressed-remorseful(?), and so they become extremely volatile and hostile. So they have to sever the relationship and find a new one, where they can pretend to be someone they are not. Then, when that person gets to know them more and more... .same thing happens again.

It doesn't necessarily have to be things they have done towards YOU in that r/s. It can be old things that pop up more and more when you get to know each other, that they are ashamed of.

[daz_bpd]

 To answer your question: "Have any of you dealt with these type of hurtful statements suggesting like you bring out some "bad " side  to your BPD partner? If so, how do you handle it. I could use some pointers."

I am constantly being told I don't care for her or love her when her family and friends have cut her off, and her only option is to turn to other men (if I don't be there for her 24/7).

I was blamed for her breaking up with her previous boyfriend when she had cheated on him and had slept with other guys before me.

I am blamed for her failing her exams several times, when I am the one that paid for all the tuition courses, studies, books, and rent / food while she focused on her own needs and neglected mine.

The blame, and guilt is the hardest part.

My first step was learning to not feel terrible each day. I began meditation, yoga, went for nature hikes, basically started living my life for myself again - this got her really angry but I did it anyway, she hated that I do things 'for myself' instead of focusing on her and her needs. I was often called selfish, and she would do further damage to "get back at me" for trying to live a normal life.

My main fault was being too focused on her, to a point where I couldn't even help her any more because my life was becoming such a mess. Its something I remind myself, in order to 'justify' being "selfish" (which isn't even selfish, I just have such a strong capacity to put others before myself that it becomes detrimental - codependency traits).

If you can consider the letter 'i' the relationship with your partner, you should be the 'dot above the i' and not the 'i' itself. For far too long I have neglected my own life to 'save her' when she needed to learn things on her own.

[Michelle27]

My uBPDh has had a lot of insight lately and has expressed this to me.  My own pain that I am the one who was subjected to the worst of his behaviors (rages, infidelity, etc.) has made it difficult to accept this, but it's precisely BECAUSE we are the closest to them that we are subjected to this abuse.  That closeness creates exactly what others have said... .that we see through the false self that they present to everyone else, and that shame spirals them.  My H has described knowing full well how horribly he treated me during a dysregulation/rage and that attempting to move forward and "forget" that episode created a cycle of shame and remorse that resulted in yet another rage/dysregulation.  Until they realize they need help with breaking this cycle, it won't change.

[mitchell16]

yes.

" I only act this way with you, what about you makes me act this way"

" mitchell, we only hurt the ones we love the most" this was after she had one of her melt downs.

" I take full respnsiblity for my actions but you caused me to act this way and I warned you"

" I had to lie I couldnt tell you the truth" this was after she lied to me about going to a relatives house for a weekend and actully spent it with her exboyfriend.

" yes, I lied but you made me"

" if you hadnt let me get away with so much we wouldnt be in this shape" but when I called her out of her actions I was accused of being to controlling.

" I cheated on my ex husband becuase he gave me to much freedom"

" what did you say to make her act like that" this was after one of her friends blew up at her and screamed at her while they were doing a remodel job togther. I wasnt even involved.

and the list can keep on going. It always someone elses fault.

[daz_bpd]

correction: If you can consider the letter 'i' the relationship with your partner, you should be the 'dot above the i' and not the 'i' itself.

should read:

If you can consider the letter 'i' YOU and the 'dot above the i' the relationship with your partner, don't let the relationship dominate yourself the 'I' in its entirety.

Learning more about your partner's condition, and finding inner peace in yourself through the activities I mentioned earlier would definitely help

[apollotech]

"Have any of you dealt with these type of hurtful statements suggesting like you bring out some "bad " side  to your BPD partner? If so, how do you handle it. I could use some pointers."

You have become a trigger. You are triggering his behavior due to deep seated shame in his past (shame that possibly has nothing to do with you). Because you are so close to him, you see/experience this behavior (Yes, I know that that sounds crazy, but it is true!). These people, people afflicted with BPD, lack introspection; as a result, their actions/behaviors are always the fault of someone/something else. They are emotionally children; therefore, they act like children.

[felix22]

I responded by saying I did nothing to cause that, and he said to me " maybe its because i know you care about me and i cant handle the pressure or i dont understand why you care .

I would question this guy's sincerity when saying something like that. Especially based on the context of how he was acting that afternoon.

[felix22]

I also think it has something to do with me being one of only two (I and her mother) who have seen the REAL her and still accept her for who she is. The insane, angry, acting-out child. None of her friends want anything to do with her after a couple of months. Not even her family of origin want to interact with her.

The reason - or one of the reasons - they have to move to new people and relationships all the time is this. They become ashamed and repressed-remorseful(?), and so they become extremely volatile and hostile. So they have to sever the relationship and find a new one, where they can pretend to be someone they are not. Then, when that person gets to know them more and more... .same thing happens again.

This seems insightful to me.