All she can see is how I hurt her...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Divorce talk tonight. See my other post. In 'de-briefing" our relationship as is inevitable when it is finally over, my soon to be ex BPDw had a good rant about all the ways that I hurt her or let her down. I let her vent but eventually I told her that there is another side to her view of the relationship... .namely MINE. Yes I made some mistakes, said a few things I wish I hadn't, but as she is an undiagnosed BPD, you can imagine my story. Just see my other posts. Without going into what she did to me, it is super hurtful that she concludes that I don't love her. That is the worst.  Rips my heart out.

But why should the end of the relationship be any different than the rest of it ( post infatuation phase of course). Silly me. Like so many times before, I just stood there and took it. She can be so convincing and I feel like a total piece of you know what.

Anybody had their exes do this on the day of the breakup?

[michel71]

Divorce talk tonight. See my other post. In 'de-briefing" our relationship as is inevitable when it is finally over, my soon to be ex BPDw had a good rant about all the ways that I hurt her or let her down. I let her vent but eventually I told her that there is another side to her view of the relationship... .namely MINE. Yes I made some mistakes, said a few things I wish I hadn't, but as she is an undiagnosed BPD, you can imagine my story. Just see my other posts. Without going into what she did to me, it is super hurtful that she concludes that I don't love her. That is the worst.  Rips my heart out.

But why should the end of the relationship be any different than the rest of it ( post infatuation phase of course). Silly me. Like so many times before, I just stood there and took it. She can be so convincing and I feel like a total piece of you know what.

Anybody had their exes do this on the day of the breakup?

[Bassoutcast]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. We're here for you 

To answer your question - yes, I've had that as well. During the breakup all that was discussed is how much I've hurt her, how much stress I've been putting her through and other distortions of reality and projection of her emotions to me, and needless to say I begged for her forgiveness for things I haven't even done in retrospect.

It all started with her giving me the silent treatment, and I was hurt and in an emotional crisis but she didn't care, and when I told her it wasn't fair that when she's in distress I come running for her aid and when I'm heaving a breakdown she throws me under the bus - but that triggered an argument which led to a breakup (of course, all MY fault).

It gets better, it truly does, and you should do what YOU feel is right - be it trying to salvage a r/s or cutting ties and healing, it's up to you, and you should listen to YOUR heart and YOUR mind and figure out what's truly good for YOU. It's not about HER, it's about YOU.

Best of luck!

[Recooperating]

Hi Michel,

Yes the "you dont love me, dont give a shhh about me" speech is very very hurtfull and I used to fall for it over and over, trying to convince him otherwise. He even once said, "you just want me dead, you wouldnt even morn when I die, you would dance on my grave... ."

In BPD-language I guess what they really want at that moment is validation (in a manipulative way). They want you to move heaven and earth to convince them otherwise... .I used to do exactly that... .Try to convince him how wrong he was by saying that, that I loved him to pieces... .Etc. At the end of the rs I just said: i am sorry you feel that way, I disagree. And left it at that... .I stopped taking it personally. It doesnt matter how much you loved them, how much you did and sacrificed for the rs... .Its never enough... .Its pooring water in a bucket with a giannt hole in the bottom... .It will always remain empty.

Its not our job to fill the emptiness they have... .Sucks though... .

Hang in there Michel... . 

[Tay25]

Divorce talk tonight. See my other post. In 'de-briefing" our relationship as is inevitable when it is finally over, my soon to be ex BPDw had a good rant about all the ways that I hurt her or let her down. I let her vent but eventually I told her that there is another side to her view of the relationship... .namely MINE. Yes I made some mistakes, said a few things I wish I hadn't, but as she is an undiagnosed BPD, you can imagine my story. Just see my other posts. Without going into what she did to me, it is super hurtful that she concludes that I don't love her. That is the worst.  Rips my heart out.

But why should the end of the relationship be any different than the rest of it ( post infatuation phase of course). Silly me. Like so many times before, I just stood there and took it. She can be so convincing and I feel like a total piece of you know what.

Anybody had their exes do this on the day of the breakup?

I have been through the same thing and im sure many other have as well.

My ex would constantly tell me I hurt her and she doesn't want to be hurt anymore, but couldn't explain why she felt hurt. The sad thing is because of their disorder no matter what we say,do,rationalize there is no way to win. They have to blame you for everything because they cannot accept what they themselves have done and face the horrible shame they feel. Something that really helped me was looking deep into the horrible mean things she said and realizing they were really her projecting her own flaws onto me.

I know the pain and shame you feel from letting her tear into you like that, the same happened to me. Sucks how they wear us down to the point where we can't even defend ourselves. The reason this is different from the ongoing phase of the r/s is because you are painted black for various reason, she may have perceived a slight from you, maybe like me she broke you down to much to the point that you weren't useful for her anymore.

I hope you can come to realize this is her disorder and there is nothing you can do, it is truly worth the work to heal the self so you can have a healthy relationship with someone. Best of luck.