I am PISSED (and I am not an angry person)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

I will attempt to remain calm.  I have recently written about not being able to feel angry or mad, just primarily sad or hurt or rejected.  Well, anger has arrived.  I have just learned that my ex-BPD made contact with my niece (who previously worked for me and is likely BPD) and they had a little mutual smear campaign right before he cut off all contact with me and vice versa.  What is interesting is that I had to fire my niece due to some really unacceptable behavior that as a lawyer I would have to report to law enforcement.  She was given a choice to either stop doing what she was doing or I would have to turn her into law enforcement.  She became enraged in front of my ex-BPD, at my office in a professional environment, and started throwing things and screaming. My ex-BPD just looked at me as said she needs to "GO, like NOW."  That was her last day (back in September 2014).  After her departure from my office, my ex-BPD sent me a note warning me to be very careful with her as she seemed to be extremely vindictive and he had previously dealt with a similar type of personality in his workplace.  I said that I was aware and would cut off my contact, which I intended to do anyway.  Well, I have not had a minute of contact with my niece in 8-1/2 months.  Now, it has come to my attention, through a mutual friend, that either my niece contacted him or he contacted her about 2-3 days before he completely disappeared.  So, what the heck is this?  My niece is suddenly a credible source?  My niece is a pathological liar that fabricates complete nonsense, she's had numerous issues with the law, she either loves you or hates you, et cetera.  If he wanted to go away, I don't understand why in the Hell he would need to burn down the bridge.  I, especially, do not understand why he would feel the need to have a conversation with a twisted person in my life that clearly has an axe to grind.  If he needed to come up with justifications or needed help in painting me black, then this is even stranger than I thought it was before.  Regardless of his status or her status in my life, both of them know fully well that they are talking complete nonsense about me.  I can only imagine the ca-ca that was flying around in that conversation.  I can accurately say that I am pissed.  Why does this make me so angry?  Why can't I just let this crap go?  Why am I using words like pissed and crap?  

Dear God help me get out from under this mess!

[Olivia_D]

Hi,

I will attempt to remain calm.  I have recently written about not being able to feel angry or mad, just primarily sad or hurt or rejected.  Well, anger has arrived.  I have just learned that my ex-BPD made contact with my niece (who previously worked for me and is likely BPD) and they had a little mutual smear campaign right before he cut off all contact with me and vice versa.  What is interesting is that I had to fire my niece due to some really unacceptable behavior that as a lawyer I would have to report to law enforcement.  She was given a choice to either stop doing what she was doing or I would have to turn her into law enforcement.  She became enraged in front of my ex-BPD, at my office in a professional environment, and started throwing things and screaming. My ex-BPD just looked at me as said she needs to "GO, like NOW."  That was her last day (back in September 2014).  After her departure from my office, my ex-BPD sent me a note warning me to be very careful with her as she seemed to be extremely vindictive and he had previously dealt with a similar type of personality in his workplace.  I said that I was aware and would cut off my contact, which I intended to do anyway.  Well, I have not had a minute of contact with my niece in 8-1/2 months.  Now, it has come to my attention, through a mutual friend, that either my niece contacted him or he contacted her about 2-3 days before he completely disappeared.  So, what the heck is this?  My niece is suddenly a credible source?  My niece is a pathological liar that fabricates complete nonsense, she's had numerous issues with the law, she either loves you or hates you, et cetera.  If he wanted to go away, I don't understand why in the Hell he would need to burn down the bridge.  I, especially, do not understand why he would feel the need to have a conversation with a twisted person in my life that clearly has an axe to grind.  If he needed to come up with justifications or needed help in painting me black, then this is even stranger than I thought it was before.  Regardless of his status or her status in my life, both of them know fully well that they are talking complete nonsense about me.  I can only imagine the ca-ca that was flying around in that conversation.  I can accurately say that I am pissed.  Why does this make me so angry?  Why can't I just let this crap go?  Why am I using words like pissed and crap?  

Dear God help me get out from under this mess!

[Olivia_D]

Okay, I am calming down.  I needed to write that post so that I wouldn't contact him or her to say thing anything that would only be twisted around in some odd fashion.  I understand that smear campaigns are typical of narcissists, particularly when they are confident that the recycle will not happen and there isn't any more narcissistic supply to be had but goodness gracious. 

They both need to just go away and leave me alone.  They are like bullies on a playground throwing rocks at someone who is minding her own business.  Really and truly disturbing and upsetting but I can't react or it will just double back and the beast will grow. 

[Suzn]

I'm really sorry this happened Olivia.   It's completely understandable that you would be hurt. It's likely your niece has a victim stance on her run ins with the law. It would take an emotionally mature person to take responsibility for lawless behavior. Good for you for not reacting!

They both need to just go away and leave me alone.  They are like bullies on a playground throwing rocks at someone who is minding her own business.  Really and truly disturbing and upsetting but I can't react or it will just double back and the beast will grow. 

You're right this would likely double back on you if you reacted and made contact. Do you think this friend of yours will share anything from your conversation? Would it be best for you to tell this friend not to share things about your ex and niece?

[Olivia_D]

Suzn, He is the "Surrogate Spouse" to his mother.  She is the other woman that he spends all of his time with and she guards his time and attention like a jealous spouse.  I honestly believe that his ego couldn't handle him leaving a good person because his "mommy said so."  In a few weak moments he admitted that his relationship with his mother has destroyed many relationships.  So, in order to get around that reason, he may have sought out a person that he knew with certainty would give him a nasty commentary about me.  He knew this well in advance of contacting her what she would say and he was well aware of the circumstances.  It was pretty much a slam dunk for him to get this known negative feedback to give him an independent justification for painting me black so he didn't have to own the "mommy" said so stuff.  My niece is just one of those people who runs around gossiping and tearing people apart 24/7; she likes to talk about every thought that runs through her mind and she plasters it all over Facebook, except for the long list of negative facts about herself that are very clear in the Court records.  She's just a hateful person.  He's an untrusting person who just could never believe that a good person actually exists; he said to me, I was talking to my mom about you and mentioned that you are such a good person and she said well, there are plenty of other good people in this world.  That was weird for her to say and for him to share.

The friend of mine that shared the conversation will not say anything as he's an attorney and we are pretty close.  I have known him for a very long time and he contacted me to say what the hell?  I specifically told him that I didn't want anyone to even know that I know and I just wanted to be skipped over next time the nonsense spins back around.  My friend is a pretty no nonsense kind of guy so he will likely tell them to cut it out but he won't tell me about it again.  He just said, "they're idiots and anyone that would believe a thing that she said can't be too sharp."  However, my exBPD is highly intelligent, he knows my niece's limitations, and apparently didn't care as the justification was more important to him.  That's just really a low blow and he took a flame thrower me ever waving at him in the grocery store.  I am beyond DONE>

[Suzn]

He's an untrusting person who just could never believe that a good person actually exists; he said to me, I was talking to my mom about you and mentioned that you are such a good person and she said well, there are plenty of other good people in this world.  That was weird for her to say and for him to share.

This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. This wouldn't be a weird thing for a mother who demands all of her son's time to say. As long as there is a woman in his life she (his mother) would not be the center of attention. This was inappropriate for him to share. Although a pwBPD rarely exhibits appropriate behavior in such circumstances. It sounds as though he wanted to you to prove your "goodness" to him and/or is fond of triangulation/drama where his mother and gf are concerned. Having people "fight" over him for his attention.

It's good you don't plan to engage this in any way. It's also good to hear your friend will be sensitive to your feelings on this matter.  

[Irish Pride]

Hi,

I will attempt to remain calm.  I have recently written about not being able to feel angry or mad, just primarily sad or hurt or rejected.  Well, anger has arrived.  I have just learned that my ex-BPD made contact with my niece (who previously worked for me and is likely BPD) and they had a little mutual smear campaign right before he cut off all contact with me and vice versa.  What is interesting is that I had to fire my niece due to some really unacceptable behavior that as a lawyer I would have to report to law enforcement.  She was given a choice to either stop doing what she was doing or I would have to turn her into law enforcement.  She became enraged in front of my ex-BPD, at my office in a professional environment, and started throwing things and screaming. My ex-BPD just looked at me as said she needs to "GO, like NOW."  That was her last day (back in September 2014).  After her departure from my office, my ex-BPD sent me a note warning me to be very careful with her as she seemed to be extremely vindictive and he had previously dealt with a similar type of personality in his workplace.  I said that I was aware and would cut off my contact, which I intended to do anyway.  Well, I have not had a minute of contact with my niece in 8-1/2 months.  Now, it has come to my attention, through a mutual friend, that either my niece contacted him or he contacted her about 2-3 days before he completely disappeared.  So, what the heck is this?  My niece is suddenly a credible source?  My niece is a pathological liar that fabricates complete nonsense, she's had numerous issues with the law, she either loves you or hates you, et cetera.  If he wanted to go away, I don't understand why in the Hell he would need to burn down the bridge.  I, especially, do not understand why he would feel the need to have a conversation with a twisted person in my life that clearly has an axe to grind.  If he needed to come up with justifications or needed help in painting me black, then this is even stranger than I thought it was before.  Regardless of his status or her status in my life, both of them know fully well that they are talking complete nonsense about me.  I can only imagine the ca-ca that was flying around in that conversation.  I can accurately say that I am pissed.  Why does this make me so angry?  Why can't I just let this crap go?  Why am I using words like pissed and crap?  

Dear God help me get out from under this mess!

As you so astutely pointed out to me... .

I have recently gone back and looked at some of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ books on grieving.  She spent a lifetime developing and refining her work on grieving.  Many people attribute her five (5) stages of grieve only to death.  However, these stages of grief are equally applicable to all losses, particularly the loss of a relationship.  The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  She strongly emphasizes that these phases don’t happen in a linear fashion and that it is expected that you will likely go in-and-out of the different phases as you are grieving.  Judith Viorst’s book called “Necessary Losses” also talks about these phases for personal relationships.    

These are good, wise words. You have every bloody right to be angry. I daresay anyone in your position would argue, otherwise. I wish there were better words I could offer you, but your advice to me is the best I can come up with. Because it's good, sound advice. I was very angry, last night, and I'm a complete 180, today, with help from your words. I hope they help you in some way.

[Olivia_D]

Thanks Irish.  I've calmed down quite a bit.  I was previously holding on the rope with 2 fingers but I definitely dropped the rope yesterday.  Today is 40 days of no contact.  I am hoping that the ruminations that were revived yesterday just fade quickly. 

[Irish Pride]

Thanks Irish.  I've calmed down quite a bit.  I was previously holding on the rope with 2 fingers but I definitely dropped the rope yesterday.  Today is 40 days of no contact.  I am hoping that the ruminations that were revived yesterday just fade quickly. 

Good for you. Well done on 40!