Seeing myself as is is painful and scary

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I feel like I spent my childhood in a cult and just now am seeing what the real world looks like.

Was reading about who should post on this board, I saw the comparison between victim, survivor, and thriver and it brought tears to my eyes.

I think if I hadn't entered into a relationship with a BPD/NPD, I'd never have sought out help for myself. I would have stayed a victim, never understanding the dynamics that brought me here. Convinced nothing could ever change.

I'm starting to truly see the world as is. And my world so far has NOT been normal or stable. Coming to terms with that is incredibly difficult.

But I'm here. And I'm starting to feel. I'm not repressing or hiding my feelings. I'm slowly letting go of the guilt.

I'm not blaming anyone for my issues. Nobody can fix or heal me. Only I can heal myself.

There's just so many things that are coming to the surface, memories and emotions and bodily sensations. I went through so much as a child and I didn't even realize it. That was my normal. I never asked anyone for comfort or help. I spent my life believing I didn't deserve that much. That I was too sensitive.

I thought my anxiety was the issue, but I never recognized the numbness that envelopes me whenever there is conflict with anyone. I was making myself invisible, impermeable to the pain that was about to come.

All I want to do is cry. Some flashbacks have been so severe that I slept 12 hours because it exhausted my body so much. I recognized though, that the situation that triggered it was different but my body was still in the past. Some are just emotional.

I've started to find my voice though, realizing that I'm a separate person. Forming my own opinions. Actually expressing those opinions. I didn't know that my opinions weren't my own. That I wasn't allowed my own opinion.

I simply never knew any of these things and it's painful to know that so much of me was a complete lie, all conditioning to see the world a certain way without question.

[misuniadziubek]

I feel like I spent my childhood in a cult and just now am seeing what the real world looks like.

Was reading about who should post on this board, I saw the comparison between victim, survivor, and thriver and it brought tears to my eyes.

I think if I hadn't entered into a relationship with a BPD/NPD, I'd never have sought out help for myself. I would have stayed a victim, never understanding the dynamics that brought me here. Convinced nothing could ever change.

I'm starting to truly see the world as is. And my world so far has NOT been normal or stable. Coming to terms with that is incredibly difficult.

But I'm here. And I'm starting to feel. I'm not repressing or hiding my feelings. I'm slowly letting go of the guilt.

I'm not blaming anyone for my issues. Nobody can fix or heal me. Only I can heal myself.

There's just so many things that are coming to the surface, memories and emotions and bodily sensations. I went through so much as a child and I didn't even realize it. That was my normal. I never asked anyone for comfort or help. I spent my life believing I didn't deserve that much. That I was too sensitive.

I thought my anxiety was the issue, but I never recognized the numbness that envelopes me whenever there is conflict with anyone. I was making myself invisible, impermeable to the pain that was about to come.

All I want to do is cry. Some flashbacks have been so severe that I slept 12 hours because it exhausted my body so much. I recognized though, that the situation that triggered it was different but my body was still in the past. Some are just emotional.

I've started to find my voice though, realizing that I'm a separate person. Forming my own opinions. Actually expressing those opinions. I didn't know that my opinions weren't my own. That I wasn't allowed my own opinion.

I simply never knew any of these things and it's painful to know that so much of me was a complete lie, all conditioning to see the world a certain way without question.

[Trog]

Sounds like you are at at the beginning stages of coming to terms with the world on your terms. It is a scary thing to realise how much your childhood has conditioned you into creating a certain life. I can sympathise birth surviving and not thriving and I'm on a similar path to you. Have faith. It like sucking the poison out of a wound, not too tasty but essential for healing. I think for all of us with this set of issues the BPD relationship is the catalyst to a far greater future where thriving is on the cards.

Stay strong, and let us know the steps you begin to take to thrive 

[Infern0]

It's confusing and intimidating to realize the world, and your part in it for what it is.

However you will find that now you are aware, you will be UNABLE to go back to sleep and carry on with all of those issues keeping you down.

Right now and for a little while you are going to feel pain, anger etc etc. Feel it,  it's leaving your body.

Your brain is rewiring itself to function the way it always was suppose to work. Be happy,  life is going to get a whole lot better.

[misuniadziubek]

It's confusing and intimidating to realize the world, and your part in it for what it is.

However you will find that now you are aware, you will be UNABLE to go back to sleep and carry on with all of those issues keeping you down.

Right now and for a little while you are going to feel pain, anger etc etc. Feel it,  it's leaving your body.

Your brain is rewiring itself to function the way it always was suppose to work. Be happy,  life is going to get a whole lot better.

It's so strange. I'm more aware of my feelings and thoughts as they happen.

Like I never realised how self depreciating I am in groups of people.

I enter into a room full of people and I want to head for the corner. My first automatic thoughts are... . no one wants to see me here. I'm so awkward. They'd be better off if I wasn't around

It's so incredibly strange. I'm not sure where this horrible reflex reaction comes from.

I'm generally semi likeable and the more time I spend in any given situation, the more at ease I feel.

I think maybe I'm just used to living in my mother's shadow, so now that I'm a grownup, and have my own identity (somewhat) I'm lost.

I don't know how to be me. I literally have to remind myself that I'm a separate person and don't have to perform to my mom's satisfaction.

I mean... .At the end of the day, I feel confident in my personality, but parties? I revert to a different part of me. The overly critical and paranoid me.

I've begun to observe these thoughts and realize I close up like a turtle the moment I don't get a perfect reaction from others assuming the worst. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey misunladz, I admire your courage to face these issues.     One thing that has helped me is to start with the premise that I am worthy just as I am, without the need for anyone else's approval.  I also strive to be authentic.  Whatever feelings come up, I acknowledge them as part of me.  I don't need to repress or submerge the unique feelings that make me who I am.  It sounds like you have been through a lot, which I'm sorry to hear.   :'(

I like how Trog puts it: 

I think for all of us with this set of issues the BPD relationship is the catalyst to a far greater future where thriving is on the cards.

  Coming to grips with BPD, for me, is the stepping off point for learning to love myself, which is easier said then done but makes a big difference in my life.   

LuckyJim