Messiah Complex by proxy?

[survived]

I have recently become aware of / remembered some pretty unsettling things that I endured growing up with my BPDm. I guess I always knew ... . but while trying to explain it to someone on the outside, I found myself realizing how terrible it is. Doesn't that seem to happen that way? Luckily,  I am able to talk about my BPDm fairly openly now, but in doing so, I uncover new things.

Here goes ... . without going into detail about her too much, one of her main symptoms is emotional immaturity. She flirts with every man in the room. Twice her age, half her age, my boyfriends, etc. Doesn't matter. If they don't have a Y Chromosome, she's gonna see what's going on with you, put her hands on you in guise of her massage therapy license, and generally make an idiot out of everyone. That being said ... .

I went to Catholic school growing up. (I know) I loved Jesus Christ very much as a small child. People took notice I guess. And with them taking notice, she took notice and used it as a tool to speak with attractive men associated with me and/or the church. My soccer coach (who was hot) had a very very sick son ... . I recall her on the phone with him many times and overhearing how "my daughter's prayers are answered".  There are a few instances where I heard this, and actually came to believe it. I went to prayer meetings with all adults, and was kind of her show piece for a few years. Luckily for me, and unluckily for my siblings, during these few years I was treated relatively well. At about age 11 it was just too weird. I had to make it stop. I pulled back from my spirituality and dried up her well. Along with mine, I am finding out.

Anyone else have a similar experience?  Thanks a lot. I love this site.

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, Survived!

My uBPDmom's symptoms only overlap a little with what you've said here about your mom (my mom is a very touch-loving person who has made concerted efforts to become "close" to my husband... .not overtly sexual, not sexual in her mind at all I don't think, but an extension of the way she wants to keep all her kids and now their spouses as pets to make herself feel better). But I have certainly had a lot of complications because of the intersecting of my Christianity, my mom's Christianity, and my mom's disorder.

Personality disorders and the emotional (and spiritual) abuse that come along with them are such a nasty tricky thing to deal with, and being a Christian doesn't help (and can actually hurt) because of a lot of only surface-level understanding of teachings like turn-the-other-cheek forgiveness. I have had the benefit of help and teaching from some healthy, nourishing believers who understand disorders and abuse and mince no words about the difference between forgiving (which is a command that brings freedom) and subjecting one's self to further abuse (which is NOT the same thing at all.) It's taken me a long time to suss out these differences and come to a healthy peace about how to believe in a God who can work miracles, change hearts, and rescue the suffering, but who doesn't always do so, and whose followers so often abuse in his name. So I really feel for you, here.

I'm not sure what your specific questions are, but I'm here (every few days) to listen if you want to say more.

[losthills]

Hi Survived,

I have wondered for years whether there might be others who have had an experience similar to mine.  I have searched the term "Messiah Complex by Proxy" several times over the last decade but never found anything particularly meaningful.  My Mom has had several diagnoses; she has battled mental illness since around the time I was born and I am now just north of 50.  She was originally diagnosed as schizophrenic with a subsequent doctor settling on bi-polar with delusions when I was in my mid-teens.  I hope I am not presuming too much by responding, since my Mom was never diagnosed with BPD.  When I read about the things folks are dealing with here, though, there is definitely a great deal of familiar territory.

Since I was born - and to this day - my Mom has held on to the delusion that I am the Messiah.  In general she was a pretty high functioning person while I was growing up, not too vocal about her delusion, not bringing it up much.  I found out when I was 15 or 16 when she felt compelled to share the good news with me.  In discussions with my Dad I later learned that it dated back to my birth. 

It's definitely a long story, but the short version is that I eventually got through my anger and confusion stage and learned not to own her mental illness.  I too grew up Catholic, and though no longer practicing, have cultivated an appreciation for the positive lessons learned.  In my view, we all share the same capacity for love and compassion that Jesus had 2000 years ago.  I'm not trying to comment on or diminish others' view of Christ - that's just my personal takeaway from my journey.

I hope your trajectory in dealing with this stuff is a positive one and that you might find something helpful in what I have said.  I am happy to chat more about this if you are so inclined.

Be well... .

[JayApril]

Hello survived!

I can relate with you about being my BPDd's show piece. I was playing sports basketball. I was really good at it. I found myself being the center of attention when my dad would talk about me to his church friends. It was like I was on the highest pedestal. Of course being only nine at the time I didnt notice it was wierd the way my dad would talk about me. It was only later that I realized that me playing bball was only an extention of him. And the minute I stopped at around 15 when I started boxing instead(tomboy here ). I was painted black because, I was no longer bringing him glory. Notice its all about him.

[enlighten me]

I have seen this with both my exs. Not in the religeous way but by bragging by proxy.

They both bragged about others successes as if it was to do with them. I had a well paid job which both my exs bragged about. They both bragged about successes their exs had while they were with them

I think its down to their low self esteem. They never achieved anything so to make themselves feel special they latch onto others successes.

[JayApril]

I have seen this with both my exs. Not in the religeous way but by bragging by proxy.

They both bragged about others successes as if it was to do with them. I had a well paid job which both my exs bragged about. They both bragged about successes their exs had while they were with them

I think its down to their low self esteem. They never achieved anything so to make themselves feel special they latch onto others successes.

That makes so much sense. I guess they feel a sense of entitlement when bragging about someone near them. My dad has done this so many times.

[enlighten me]

Just thinking about it since posting and I think that by showing a partner or child is successful it shows that they are a worthy partner or good parent.

"He's a top ... .so therefore I must be worthy or why else would someone so wonderful be with me".

"My childs so clever so I must be a good influence on them".

Shocking really the amount of these compliments i had that were not actually about me.

[bethanny]

One of the important things our parents can do for us as we grow is to mirror our positive identities in their eyes back at us into our eyes. 

But with a narcissistic, conditionally approving parent with a wounded ego, the best we can do is find ricocheted approval mirrored from others' eyes into our uBPD parent's eyes. That cultivates in us codependency and people pleasing not only to our rejecting parent but also to ANYONE AND EVERYONE, especially those who that parent considers worthy of our respect and energy and we become reactive and enmeshed in our parent's network rather than building our own with our own real likes and values and capacity for levels of social intimacy and authenticity. 

Sometimes when we rebel, we get locked in reaction formation against our parent's will, and that is not free choice either because we are still at the mercy of the parent's will, this time choosing the opposite position in rebellion.