I think I have had enough

[maxsterling]

Jut week in, week out, no peace.  But when she was in the hospital- peace.

We tried the camping trip last weekend, and it went okay, but I still fell like I was being cheated on with FB the whole time, listening to her complain of pain, just generally grouchy.

I can't live like that.

She told me P wants to put her on some kind of meds, she refuses. TWO Ps want her on anti-psychotics- she refuses.  Her primary P says she is a prime candidate for electroshock therapy.

Last night she flipped out over money again.  I'm tired of her berating me, blaming her PTSD when I am the only one working.  She started punching herself in the face, I grabbed her wrists to stop her, she claimed abuse.

I'm tired of this.  The paperwork is downloaded to my work computer, I will work on it today.  Photographs of my bruises are downloaded, and I have contacts out with three men's domestic violence advocates.

Not sure what the end result for her life will be, but I know for me I used to be happy.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

   

What paperwork do you have downloaded? To press charges? To get an annulment?

Hang in there! You can do this.

[MaroonLiquid]

So sorry Max.  I can't imagine how hard this must be for you having to deal with the low functioning side of this illness, especially since y'all are newlyweds.  Stay strong... .

[sweetheart]

Hi max,

I'm sorry that your relationship has become so difficult. Diagnosed BPD as you have found is a devastating, pervasive illness from which for some there is very little respite. The saddest irony for this illness is when the SO becomes the trigger, this sounds like what has happened for you. You have been trying for a long while and your situation has not improved, this is a good reason to evaluate where to go from here.

You will already know this but if you do decide to end your marriage make sure that you have everything in place for the likely fallout from your wife. Be very well protected, with exit strategies in place that will keep you safe. My suggestion for you if your w starts hitting herself again is not to intervene at all. ( my h went through a stage of doing this, at his worse I called the police for his protection )

Your wife falls into the category of a pwBPD who blames others and is high externalised conflict. By my understanding this is one of the most difficult types of personality to deal with when thinking of leaving.

I understand and appreciate this is the Staying board, but none of the guidelines on here advocate staying no matter what especially if all the skills and interventions are still failing to make a positive impact for you both.

Have you thought of a therapeutic separation ?

Look after yourself first and foremost and if necessary call upon outside agencies to look after your wife if her illness escalates.

[Verbena]

I've probably watched too many Lifetime movies, but I have come on this board a number of times when you have fallen silent and wondered if your wife could have killed you.  I think she is entirely capable of it. 

From what I understand, the possibility of violence is dramatically higher when a person tries to leave or asks the other person to leave.  I absolutely agree that you need a detailed exit strategy if you decide to end it.  Maybe the men's groups you mentioned could help with that.  Or her doctors if you talk to them first.  Telling her when you are alone in the house together would almost certainly lead to disaster. 

You could spend weeks getting all your ducks in a row and not even need an exit plan if she ends up in the hospital again, which I think is likely.  But you would still need to have the plan in place. 

You deserve peace and your wife deserves to get some help. 

[GaGrl]

After my ex and I divorced, he began a long relationship with a woman who was diagnosed with depression but who I now believe was BPD.  She eventually decompensated to the point she was inpatient for 90 days, and she did receive electroshock therapy.  She was on disability for multiple years but eventually began working again (I think had some occupational therapy).

Three months and EST might be a good plan.

How can you protect yourself against her claims that you are abusing her when actually she is hitting herself?

[maxsterling]

Thanks everyone.   I meant I think I have had enough of the r/s and downloaded and began filling out annulment paperwork.  The rest is for time to contemplate exit strategies and be 100% secretive and a good actor.  My safety is at stake here.

I won't be pressing charges regarding assault, unless it happens again.  If I did this I expect extreme ugliness.  I think planning a careful exit strategy is best at this time.  That includes documentation, safe places, paperwork, lawyers, etc.

I placed a call to her T today.  Now I am going to call her P.  Just to let them know that I am contemplating leaving the r/s.  I say I am 50/50 right now, but I can't keep living like this.   It is killing me.

So today we went to MC like everything was normal, but I sat there thinking of exit strategies the whole time. 

[Verbena]

Max, you mentioned an intervention awhile back.  From the ones I've seen on tv (yes, I probably watch too much tv, ), drug abuse is usually what brings the family to doing the intervention in the first place.  However, it is obvious that many of the addicts have serious mental issues.  

So I am wondering if you could fascilitate an intervention (you, your wife, possibly her dad, her psychiatrists, doctors) where it could be explained to her that she either commits herself to a psychiatric facility long term, or there will be consequences.  I doubt she would respond well to that, but at least you would be not be alone with her when she finds out you intend to take action.

I don't know what you were referencing earlier today (assault charges or divorce), but either of those would be the consequence of her not seeking serious help.  If she were to get long-term help and actually get mentally healthy, you could always stop divorce proceedings.  

Maybe you are really done and don't want to drag this out.  It's just a thought.  Something has clearly changed with you.  It's very obvious from your posts after the last police call and hospitalization, and especially this post today.   No one could blame you for ending it.

ETA:  We were posting at the same time.  I see that you are considering divorce/annulment.   

[Grey Kitty]

  this is tough. You sound ready for tough choices. I wish I could offer you more advice other than if you are going, look out for you.

Her T and her P are not safe confidants for you. They are obligated to look after her interests.

Get a lawyer.

Post on the legal board here if you haven't already.

And gang in there!

[babyducks]

Max,

I am so sorry.

I know how hard you have worked at this.   And how difficult it has been.

I am completely confident that anything you do will be carefully thought through for everyone's best interest.

Go slow. 

Be careful.

Take care of yourself.

sending energy your way.

'ducks

[Notwendy]

Max, I wish you the best with this.

Although this is the staying board, I think the idea of not to tell someone to leave is in part, to let them come to their own decision. However, neither should we tell someone to stay. I think these are choices people have to arrive at on their own with their circumstances.

You have every right to decide what is best for you.

[maxsterling]

It's hard not to love this woman.   Yes, MC was hell again yesterday.  She just attempted suicide of which I am traumatized by a few weeks ago, and we are discussing how i never clean or make the bed.  That, by the way, is COMPLETELY untrue, as I have made the bed every day for the past two years, and she has maybe ONCE clicked the "On" switch on the vacuum, and even complained about my cleaning the house every weekend.

I talked to my brother at length yesterday.  He has a BPD wife, and I told him I was at least preparing an exit plan.  He thought that wise.  He told me his 13 years of marriage have been constant criticism and blame, so he knows how I feel. 

Now we are back to the "I love you don't leave me" phase, where she can't stand if I am even in the other room, wanting me to promise to never leave her, claiming nobody else likes her and that she is a horrible person.  Basically crying and telling me for an hour that she is pitiful, worthless, and want's to die without specifically saying she wants to kill herself.

That's why I am going to talk to her P.  But I will do that after my T appointment this morning.  I just think she has her P so completely snowed as to how bad she really is.

[maxsterling]

Today I have T for myself.  An extra appointment I scheduled.  After that, another one of those "pre conception" appointments with OBGYN.  Only reason I am still going along with that appointment is that I don't want to give her any impression that anything has shifted in me. 

Got a letter from IRS yesterday saying we owe 900 instead of a 450 refund... .?  Haven't looked into detail about it, but that is weighing huge on me right now.  HUGE.

Last night was more hysterical crying, that lasted an hour, about how nobody loves her, she hates herself, her life.  This morning I apparently elbowed her in my sleep, to which she screamed at me, then screamed about her pain for about half an hour (not pain from the elbow, but her normal pain.)

Once again, I can't live like this.

[Ceruleanblue]

So sorry your marriage has de-escalated due to the BPD. Either choice you make will be tough. Staying is tough, but so is leaving. I guess you have to look long term, perhaps? I'm sure things would look so differently to you if she would commit to working on her illness.

As others have said, take care of yourself, and work on that exit plan, just in case that is what you decide. If I have to exit, if BPDh doesn't stick with his DBT, I plan on leaving when he takes a business trip. He'd never expect that, and it would save me a lot of ugliness, and possibly things getting physical. Much as we want to help them, they have to want the help.

Hugs Max.  

[ColdEthyl]

Today I have T for myself.  An extra appointment I scheduled.  After that, another one of those "pre conception" appointments with OBGYN.  Only reason I am still going along with that appointment is that I don't want to give her any impression that anything has shifted in me. 

Got a letter from IRS yesterday saying we owe 900 instead of a 450 refund... .?  Haven't looked into detail about it, but that is weighing huge on me right now.  HUGE.

Last night was more hysterical crying, that lasted an hour, about how nobody loves her, she hates herself, her life.  This morning I apparently elbowed her in my sleep, to which she screamed at me, then screamed about her pain for about half an hour (not pain from the elbow, but her normal pain.)

Once again, I can't live like this.

I am so sorry, Max  You have tried so hard. Sometimes... .we have to just know when enough's enough. I asked my MC when I went for my last marriage how I was supposed to know when it's the end. He said "When the minuses outweigh the pluses" For me, that time had come.

Be safe and smart, Max. Please. You are one of the people on here I worry about, for the same reasons others have stated. My H does these behaviors sometimes... .but i mean sometimes. The extremes you see every day I see once every few months. /hugs