My twin has BPD, can't take it anymore.

[Marsha9000]

It is so exhausting.  It's hard to even write this because it has taken such a toll on me. I wish I had another twin to talk to about this that goes through what I have.  I am 47 years old, and have an identical twin.  Things seemed fine for many years, in our mid 20's everything changed and just got worse and worse.  I guess because I lived in the middle of all the constant chaos, I didnt seem to notice how stressful life had become.  Finally, one day I decided to move, I just wanted a peaceful and happy life.  So I did, across the country to get away from it.  And IT WORKED!  I finally had a peaceful life, met a wonderful man, become a mother. Just amazing.  Well, for many years with my sister, it has remained difficult.  ALWAYS blaming me for something else, wanting me to apologize for things she said I did to her (thereby ruining her life) from back when we were 7 or 8 years old, or teenagers, or 15 years ago.  You name it, i did it wrong and it is all my fault.  She says unimaginably hateful things to me. It's hard to tell other people what she says or will do because it is so extreme it sounds as if I would have to be making it up.  She has these fits of blind rage, has physically harmed me (before I moved away years ago), makes threats. Our mother passed away last year.  I made the mistake of latching on to her, of thinking and believing we were finally going to be able to have a real sister relationship.  I have always wanted a close relationship with her! So, I flew across country to visit her.  The first four days went fine, then Mr. Hyde came out.  Just insanity. Very scary.  She was rude in regards to a simple thing, of which I called her out on.  Well, big mistake.  By 3 am that morning I was checking into a hotel, her threatening to call the police and say I had harmed her, that I was a hateful and ugly person, just on and on.  After getting out of her car at the hotel, she bursts into sobs screaming ":)ON'T LEAVE ME! NO ONE LOVES ME! DON'T LEAVE ME!" Then I try to comfort her, then she is screaming at me again saying I just want to use her!  Just on and on. This is why I moved away from there.  Of course, she says I did all of that, that it was me that was "unhinged", same old story.  ALWAYS blaming me, saying it was me.  Saying I am in need of serious mental help... .on and on.  I mean, to the point that it will make you seriously begin to question your own sanity.  I am just to the point where I cannot do this for another day.  I am safely home and with my family, after I feel dealing with returning home with PTSD symptoms.  While i miss my mother terribly, I don't have the guilt that was frequently put on me by her always wanting me to step up and try to have the relationship with my sister.  I think it's time I set myself free from this horrible abuse.  It is too much for a person to bear, it is like torture. Just this amount I wrote cannot possibly make it clear what I have dealt with in the 20+ years with this. I don't understand why she hates me so much. I don't understand why my own twin sister wants to begrudge me and hurt me so deeply, why she just simply does not want for my happiness as I do for her? So many years, more than just my mother guilting me.  Everyone acting as if twins should just get along, as if I could fix it.  It has ALWAYS been put ON ME.  I am not a bad person because I don't want to deal with it anymore.  I can't help her and i will not endure the abuse anymore.  I live over 2,000 miles away thankfully!  This is NOTHING like the many years ago I had to pack up and move away, so there are positives to it this time for sure.  Well, thanks for listening all.  Godspeed to everyone dealing with a BPD.             

[Pilpel]

Marsha, It sounds horrible what you've been through with your twin sister.  In your description of your sister, I recognize some of my experiences with my BPD sil.  But your sister sounds a bit more extreme and unbalanced compared to the average person with BPD.  Calling the police then pleading for you not leave... .yikes!  Is this normal for her?  Or do you think the death of your mom exaggerated her unbalanced emotions?  I agree that you are not a bad person for cutting ties with her.  You have to know how much you can deal with, and you have a right to prevent someone from constantly disrupting your family's life. 

"I don't understand why my own twin sister wants to begrudge me and hurt me so deeply, why she just simply does not want for my happiness as I do for her?"

Yeah, this is what is so baffling about people with BPDs.  They can be so horrible and cruel to other people.  Yet they're always the victim.  They can't see or acknowledge how horrible they are to other people.  Instead they pile on more blame on their victim.  You have to have really strong boundaries to interact with someone like that. 

Anyhow, I'm glad to hear you live far away from all this.  And that you have a happy, healthy, peaceful family life now.  That must make going NC much easier.  Though I imagine it probably takes a while to get over that last encounter!

[Naughty Nibbler]

MARSHA 9000:

So sorry about the problem with your sister.

I'm wondering if part of the problem is jealousy on your sister's part.  Sounds like you have made a wonderful life for yourself! You should be proud of yourself

When there is a death in the family, it is natural to want to get closer with another family member.  My sister isn't a twin, she is 2 years older.  Our parents died within 4 months of each other.  It was complicated.  It was a time when I wanted to be close to my sister, but she was impossible to get along with. 

I couldn't understand what was wrong with her until I read the book Walking on Egg Shells. Although I was elated to discover what was wrong with my sister, my emotions soon turned to grief.  It was like the death of a third family member.  That is rather devastating when you only had one sibling.

Through the years, I knew my sister was frequently irritable.  She had had a nasty divorce and I learned to avoid her when she was in a bad mood.  We rarely were in a situation where we had to share in decisions and work under extreme stress.  When we were forced to work together with joint medical and financial power of attorneys for both parents, all hell broke loose.  It wasn't just one medical decision to make - there were many. 

It was stressful enough to have to be in our situation, but to share it with an uBPDs was unbearable.  Everything is still so fresh for me and I still shed tears when I write posts such as this. Sadly, my sister would say that I'm the one who has something wrong with them.

My heart goes out to you and I'm so sorry for what you have been through.  Thought I'd share.  You have the right to NOT be abused.  The fact that you left the madness and made a wonderful life for yourself, tends to make one believe that environmental situations are the cause of your's sister behavior. Unfortunately, even a twin can't fix her.

[fairly]

Hi Marsha,

I read your story and it could be my story as well.  I am in a similar situation as you are, I have an older sister with uBPD and have been  blamed for many things and have experienced rages and passive aggressive behavior from her.  I too live away from my sister and that helps a lot.  What I have come to realize is that she will never change but I can change the way I react to her behavior.  I refuse to let her make me unhappy and I will end a phone call if she gets out of hand.  I speak my  mind and tell her when she is being rude and of course she thinks I am the looney one. 

I have come to accept that we will never be close as some sisters are and that part is hard to take.   But it is the reality of the situation.  Surrounding yourself with your family and good friends is the best medicine for the crazy situation you are in.  My friends know the situation and are very supportive as is my husband. 

Good luck and remember to think positive thoughts !