Scapegoating and smear campaigns

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have stayed off of the forum due to the recent smear campaign and odd events that have taken place.  I know that it is better to go off the grid but I also feel that it is giving him too much power.  

I have also been reading up on "Scapegoating."  I have recognized that part of my wanting him to get it (even if far away from me) is that I grew up with a  family dynamic where I was put into the role of the “Scapegoat.”  When you are raised in an environment where everything is characterized as somehow being your fault, you eventually start taking on too much responsibility for other people’s actions or inactions.  This over-responsibility for taking the blame and that everything is your fault facilitates the BPD / NPD / ASPD to effectively manipulate you by projecting all of their negative beliefs about themselves on to you.  For me, in looking at this prior “relationship,” and others that have had an odd, dysfunctional ending, I realize that I stayed hooked into what was said, what was done, what actually happened, et cetera as if the responsibility for the development or demise of the relationship is 100% my responsibility.  That is a very heavy burden to carry, particularly with a PD person that wishes to rid themselves of their anger, resentment, devaluation, and other mind-games exacted towards you.  The PD person “needs” and “must-have” a willing participate, a human depository, for their rage, hatefulness, a justification or person to blame for their internal inabilities to relate to another human being.  It seems that those without a conscience or empathy or anger or fill in the blank, must eventually rid themselves of those negative feelings—their emptiness—on a targeted person that is willing to sign up to be their Scapegoat.  This is apparently true whether you are in the relationship or have exited the relationship as they have to direct it somewhere as they lack the emotional maturity to see things in shades of gray.  You are either their savior or the persecutor that “causes them” to act in a particular way.  Well, I simply do not have the power to make someone a jerk, regardless of their diagnosis.  The only thing that I have the power to change is my willingness to put up with intolerable behavior, actions,, et cetera.  While I recognize my own Co-Dependent behaviors in remaining too long, tolerating too much, and allowing my mind to be twisted up like a pretzel, I am not 100% responsible for whatever has transpired in or out of the relationship.  

In my “role” as the family scapegoat, I have accepted too much blame, I have spent too much time and energy in attempting to defend myself, trying to get them to get it, and mentally torturing myself into believing that it was somehow my fault.  The recent smear / distortion campaign that has been exacted against me is brutal and has done a number on my mind.  I have actually found myself saying to friends, am I a jerk and no one has called me out on it?  Am I all of these nasty, vile things that I am accused of being.  A few friends actually laughed out loud.  The mental gamesmanship that remains after the fact is part of the ongoing abuse.  Mature adults do not spend their time attempting to smear or exact revenge against another.  In fact, a mature adult who has left a relationship may question what just happened but if they are truly disengaged in the end of a relationship, they wouldn’t want or need to stay connected in either a positive or negative way.  It I very tempting to re-initiate contact with this PD person to tell them to stop the craziness, defend myself, in order to stop the onslaught of pure vindictiveness.  However, I have received some sound advice that it would be one more attempt to get them to get it, which they never will, and it would likely only increase their efforts to continue the nastiness as it would somehow act as fuel or further fan the flames as he would know that it has gotten to me.  So, I find myself in a position where I just have to protect myself as much as possible but not react to the nonsense as I am not his scapegoat or depository for his paranoia and disturbing projections.  He can spin himself up in this nasty web of nonsense all he wants and I can only hope that he tires of this disturbing psychological game and, unfortunately, finds some other outlet for his sick behavior.  

If he is reading this it may give him a charge or that omnipotence that he so craves.  If so, he knows fully well that I will only allow this to go so far and expose him for what he truly is and not for what he pretends to be.  If he wants me to “go there,” I can really go there but he may have to consider a different career if I do.  I certainly do not want to expend my energy on it but I may have no other choice.  As such, he has the last say (which he apparently enjoys) to either step off or keep pushing if his goal is a zero sum psychological game with my character, integrity, and professional reputation, as my willingness to let it slide is on life support.  

[Olivia_D]

I have stayed off of the forum due to the recent smear campaign and odd events that have taken place.  I know that it is better to go off the grid but I also feel that it is giving him too much power.  

I have also been reading up on "Scapegoating."  I have recognized that part of my wanting him to get it (even if far away from me) is that I grew up with a  family dynamic where I was put into the role of the “Scapegoat.”  When you are raised in an environment where everything is characterized as somehow being your fault, you eventually start taking on too much responsibility for other people’s actions or inactions.  This over-responsibility for taking the blame and that everything is your fault facilitates the BPD / NPD / ASPD to effectively manipulate you by projecting all of their negative beliefs about themselves on to you.  For me, in looking at this prior “relationship,” and others that have had an odd, dysfunctional ending, I realize that I stayed hooked into what was said, what was done, what actually happened, et cetera as if the responsibility for the development or demise of the relationship is 100% my responsibility.  That is a very heavy burden to carry, particularly with a PD person that wishes to rid themselves of their anger, resentment, devaluation, and other mind-games exacted towards you.  The PD person “needs” and “must-have” a willing participate, a human depository, for their rage, hatefulness, a justification or person to blame for their internal inabilities to relate to another human being.  It seems that those without a conscience or empathy or anger or fill in the blank, must eventually rid themselves of those negative feelings—their emptiness—on a targeted person that is willing to sign up to be their Scapegoat.  This is apparently true whether you are in the relationship or have exited the relationship as they have to direct it somewhere as they lack the emotional maturity to see things in shades of gray.  You are either their savior or the persecutor that “causes them” to act in a particular way.  Well, I simply do not have the power to make someone a jerk, regardless of their diagnosis.  The only thing that I have the power to change is my willingness to put up with intolerable behavior, actions,, et cetera.  While I recognize my own Co-Dependent behaviors in remaining too long, tolerating too much, and allowing my mind to be twisted up like a pretzel, I am not 100% responsible for whatever has transpired in or out of the relationship.  

In my “role” as the family scapegoat, I have accepted too much blame, I have spent too much time and energy in attempting to defend myself, trying to get them to get it, and mentally torturing myself into believing that it was somehow my fault.  The recent smear / distortion campaign that has been exacted against me is brutal and has done a number on my mind.  I have actually found myself saying to friends, am I a jerk and no one has called me out on it?  Am I all of these nasty, vile things that I am accused of being.  A few friends actually laughed out loud.  The mental gamesmanship that remains after the fact is part of the ongoing abuse.  Mature adults do not spend their time attempting to smear or exact revenge against another.  In fact, a mature adult who has left a relationship may question what just happened but if they are truly disengaged in the end of a relationship, they wouldn’t want or need to stay connected in either a positive or negative way.  It I very tempting to re-initiate contact with this PD person to tell them to stop the craziness, defend myself, in order to stop the onslaught of pure vindictiveness.  However, I have received some sound advice that it would be one more attempt to get them to get it, which they never will, and it would likely only increase their efforts to continue the nastiness as it would somehow act as fuel or further fan the flames as he would know that it has gotten to me.  So, I find myself in a position where I just have to protect myself as much as possible but not react to the nonsense as I am not his scapegoat or depository for his paranoia and disturbing projections.  He can spin himself up in this nasty web of nonsense all he wants and I can only hope that he tires of this disturbing psychological game and, unfortunately, finds some other outlet for his sick behavior.  

If he is reading this it may give him a charge or that omnipotence that he so craves.  If so, he knows fully well that I will only allow this to go so far and expose him for what he truly is and not for what he pretends to be.  If he wants me to “go there,” I can really go there but he may have to consider a different career if I do.  I certainly do not want to expend my energy on it but I may have no other choice.  As such, he has the last say (which he apparently enjoys) to either step off or keep pushing if his goal is a zero sum psychological game with my character, integrity, and professional reputation, as my willingness to let it slide is on life support.  

[Mutt]

Hi Olivia_D,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can understand how very difficult this all is when you are the family scapegoat and find that you're a scapegoat again   I can relate,  I'm also the family scapegoat and went through a smear campaign with uBPDex.

A smear campaign is tough and I think it helps to talk with people that can empathize and understand.  I don't think many  have experienced how chaotic and stressful it is when we're the target of false accusations and projections from our ex partners.

Would you like to share?

What may you have to resort to?

[Olivia_D]

Mutt, He has aligned himself with a BPD niece of mine; my niece was also a former employee who had to leave my employment due to her inability or her unwillingness to stop making claims for Welfare and Food Stamps when she was gainfully employed by me.  I was still under the mindset that she had some growing up to do and gave her a job so that her children wouldn't suffer with their mother's inability to maintain a job.  I had gotten her several jobs and she was fired within months.  Since she was family, I was attempting to mentor her at my law firm so that she wasn't cleaning offices / homes at night.  Instead, she stayed at my firm and I discovered that not only was she still on the "government payroll," but she was selling pills and having ongoing drama (that was disturbing my office) with several different fathers of her children.  After I gave her the ultimatum of advising the government that she was gainfully employed, et cetera, she turned around a sought out another job in another law firm with faked credentials of having worked for me for years--this was a blatant lie as she was with me for about 8 months.  Of course, she used the excuse with the new law firm that they could not contact me for a reference as I was her Aunt and would be crushed that she was leaving my firm.  In faking her credentials, she was offered far more money than that which matches her level of experience.  So, instead she gave me her resignation 2 days before she was departing my firm with the excuse that she had been offered more money elsewhere.  After she left working for me, she tried to convince numerous people that she had been taken advantage of and I was some evil shrew.  In reality, I had been teaching her everything from A-Z on how to run a law firm and paying her about $5.00 more per hour than she should have been given.  She attempted to contacted me several months after her departure and I had hit my limits with her constantly lying, learned that she was using my Pay Pal account (tied to my bank account), and was actively attempting to alienate me from my terminally ill brother.  I just stayed out of the line of fire with the hope that she would find another hobby and leave me alone.  Then, several months passed and she attempted to initiate contact with me again.  I just didn't want her in my life.  In turn, she ramped up the smear campaign.  My ex-BPD bf knew all of these details and kept telling me to steer clear from her as the distortion / smear campaign was going to get worse.  I haven't had contact with since last September except for a few email exchanges to get her new address for her annual tax report.  There are many, many details that I haven't included as it would take a book.  Regardless, towards the end of my "relationship" with my exBPD / BPD / ASPD, it has come to my attention that my niece has been in contact with several of my clients spreading her swill.  Apparently, he made contact with my niece and off to the races they went in having a mutually satisfying victim / smear / distortion campaign.  Interestingly, he was the one that warned me about her and when he was wishing to paint me black he sought her out to give him her distorted details.  It just floors me.  I feel like writing him a letter and including the long laundry list of all of her criminal charges, children and family complaints, et cetera and reminding him that she is a disturbed person. The fact that she two PD people would join forces to just create nonsense about me is alarming.  I am very justice oriented but I just keep biting my tongue knowing that none of it is about me.

His "false persona" is this great man of integrity when in reality he is a paranoid narcissist that suffers from extreme black and white thinking.  I am certain that he has convinced himself that these distortions about me are true.  None of it is credible and it would be easily disproven but my goal is to stay out of the line of fire.  He is up there in the government / politics and doesn't hesitate to use his office to be vindictive to satisfy his own ego and justify his smear campaign.  He can do so with a straight face as his "daytime" persona is very highly refined. However, it is literally like night and day behind the scenes when he is not playing that role.

My mother is an extreme NPD and has a very similar, highly refined public persona.  She only shows the ugly, false persona to a few select people who she rips into in private.  I am the only daughter with 3 brothers and she has exacted her rage, jealousy, competitiveness, and nasty treatment towards me for my entire life.  She will literally get me alone in a separate room to be extremely nasty to me in private and then dash out to her audience as-if nothing has happened.  Of course, being on the receiving end of this is mind-boggling and confusing as she doesn't do it with everyone.  In fact, my brothers experienced a completely different mother as they are not her mirror / perceived extension / target.  They can do not wrong and I can do no right.  I have had to create a huge distance from my mother as the psychological games that she plays with me are very upsetting and distorted.  I am simply supposed to make her look good and not outshine her or-else.  You cannot disagree with her about anything or her head practically spins off and she is suddenly the "victim."

My exBPD / NPD / ASPD and my BPD niece are both wired just like my mother and they play the same games.  It's what they do behind the scenes and then act as-if when the public is observing.  My niece is more obvious but my exBPD / NPD / ASPD plays the same mindgames as my Mother, which is very difficult for me to untangle in my mind.  It creates a double-bind as if you speak up, you are the trouble maker / the sick one but if you don't speak up they ramp up the abuse.  There is no win and it is only degrees of losing with this dynamic.

Whether he or my niece is responsible for hacking into my business website and causing the Google Maps to direct people to strange locations, whether one of them was responsible for putting a big red slash mark across my face on the picture on my website, my suite door at the office being jammed with a clear attempt to break into my office, I don't know.  I do know that I do not know the extent that either or both of them would go to do whatever they are attempting to do.  I just know that there is a joint campaign to try and discredit my business reputation which can be devastating as an attorney.  I just know that it can only go on so much longer before I have to actively seek recourse with law enforcement and the Court system. It's a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation, very similar to the situation with my Mother.

It is enough to drive me batty and I supposed that that is the goal.  I am just not willing to tolerate much more before they are called out for this nonsense.  This is WAY behind chitter-chatter with friends where people typically recognize the he said-she-said of a break-up.  This is attempting to attack me and my business reputation.  Interestingly, I have successfully helped both of them with prior legal matters (for free) and they are both aware of me being a good person and a good attorney.  Things that could really have a negative impact on my life; things that they both resent.  I just want to wake up from this nightmare.

[Mutt]

I am very justice oriented but I just keep biting my tongue knowing that none of it is about me.

This has to be difficult. You showed generosity and kindness to help out his family member and were taken advantage of and she sounds like a very dishonest individual. You have not one but two people with a PD on a smear campaign  When I read this quote above what came to mind is their karma and how it's their own.

I'm sorry you had to go through that with your mother. I can understand how hard it is to be treated by someone that you look up to for support and guidance, your mother and she sees you as "all bad" It sounds like you were the black child and your brothers were the white children or "all good"

I agree that this is beyond the normal chitter chatter with friends and he said she said of a normal break-up and I think I would be scared with this type of behavior.

[Irish Pride]

I have stayed off of the forum due to the recent smear campaign and odd events that have taken place.  I know that it is better to go off the grid but I also feel that it is giving him too much power.  

I have also been reading up on "Scapegoating."  I have recognized that part of my wanting him to get it (even if far away from me) is that I grew up with a  family dynamic where I was put into the role of the “Scapegoat.”  When you are raised in an environment where everything is characterized as somehow being your fault, you eventually start taking on too much responsibility for other people’s actions or inactions.  This over-responsibility for taking the blame and that everything is your fault facilitates the BPD / NPD / ASPD to effectively manipulate you by projecting all of their negative beliefs about themselves on to you.  For me, in looking at this prior “relationship,” and others that have had an odd, dysfunctional ending, I realize that I stayed hooked into what was said, what was done, what actually happened, et cetera as if the responsibility for the development or demise of the relationship is 100% my responsibility.  That is a very heavy burden to carry, particularly with a PD person that wishes to rid themselves of their anger, resentment, devaluation, and other mind-games exacted towards you.  The PD person “needs” and “must-have” a willing participate, a human depository, for their rage, hatefulness, a justification or person to blame for their internal inabilities to relate to another human being.  It seems that those without a conscience or empathy or anger or fill in the blank, must eventually rid themselves of those negative feelings—their emptiness—on a targeted person that is willing to sign up to be their Scapegoat.  This is apparently true whether you are in the relationship or have exited the relationship as they have to direct it somewhere as they lack the emotional maturity to see things in shades of gray.  You are either their savior or the persecutor that “causes them” to act in a particular way.  Well, I simply do not have the power to make someone a jerk, regardless of their diagnosis.  The only thing that I have the power to change is my willingness to put up with intolerable behavior, actions,, et cetera.  While I recognize my own Co-Dependent behaviors in remaining too long, tolerating too much, and allowing my mind to be twisted up like a pretzel, I am not 100% responsible for whatever has transpired in or out of the relationship.  

In my “role” as the family scapegoat, I have accepted too much blame, I have spent too much time and energy in attempting to defend myself, trying to get them to get it, and mentally torturing myself into believing that it was somehow my fault.  The recent smear / distortion campaign that has been exacted against me is brutal and has done a number on my mind.  I have actually found myself saying to friends, am I a jerk and no one has called me out on it?  Am I all of these nasty, vile things that I am accused of being.  A few friends actually laughed out loud.  The mental gamesmanship that remains after the fact is part of the ongoing abuse.  Mature adults do not spend their time attempting to smear or exact revenge against another.  In fact, a mature adult who has left a relationship may question what just happened but if they are truly disengaged in the end of a relationship, they wouldn’t want or need to stay connected in either a positive or negative way.  It I very tempting to re-initiate contact with this PD person to tell them to stop the craziness, defend myself, in order to stop the onslaught of pure vindictiveness.  However, I have received some sound advice that it would be one more attempt to get them to get it, which they never will, and it would likely only increase their efforts to continue the nastiness as it would somehow act as fuel or further fan the flames as he would know that it has gotten to me.  So, I find myself in a position where I just have to protect myself as much as possible but not react to the nonsense as I am not his scapegoat or depository for his paranoia and disturbing projections.  He can spin himself up in this nasty web of nonsense all he wants and I can only hope that he tires of this disturbing psychological game and, unfortunately, finds some other outlet for his sick behavior.  

If he is reading this it may give him a charge or that omnipotence that he so craves.  If so, he knows fully well that I will only allow this to go so far and expose him for what he truly is and not for what he pretends to be.  If he wants me to “go there,” I can really go there but he may have to consider a different career if I do.  I certainly do not want to expend my energy on it but I may have no other choice.  As such, he has the last say (which he apparently enjoys) to either step off or keep pushing if his goal is a zero sum psychological game with my character, integrity, and professional reputation, as my willingness to let it slide is on life support.  

I've kept an eye on this developing story (hopefully, it doesn't go any further) but this guy sounds shytehouse crazy. Having to also deal with a family member involved... .I can't even imagine.

I know you've taken the necessary precautions, but please be careful.

Reading this story is heartbreaking. NPD mother, BPD niece, and ex, and terminally ill brother. I'm so sorry, Olivia. All my hopes and prayers.