Incredibly sad about pending divorce

[Greyhound]

First post:  My wife and I have been married for 10 years and together for 13 as of tomorrow.  Blessed with three lovely boys ages 6/6/5 but our marriage is coming to an end. Problems started about five years ago after the birth of our third son but became acute within the last three - I discovered my wife was sexting with another man, which she claimed this was a result of me emotionally abandoning her.   Subsequently, she has been involved with substance abuse and continuing to create risks at our home,  including bringing over ex-convicts.  Recently, I discovered the sexting had never stopped and that this other individual was in fact currently incarcerated for murder and kidnap (100 years).   We have a great life, live in a nice home in a great community, and our sons are absolutely beautiful.   Therapist suggested my wife is likely BPD, but my wife refuses to see a psychiatrist. At this point, I am devastated and confused. Spent time with attorneys today initiating a divorce, but worried about my wife's volatiity.  How do I avoid the nuclear bomb when it comes to the custody topic?  Lot more here of course, but this is the essence of our situation.  I truly want the best for her and my family. 

[catnap]

Subsequently, she has been involved with substance abuse and continuing to create risks at our home,  including bringing over ex-convicts.  Recently, I discovered the sexting had never stopped and that this other individual was in fact currently incarcerated for murder and kidnap (100 years).

This behavior may stop (highly unlikely) or get worse (likely) no matter what you do or don't do.  First off, your three sons need to be protected.  She is inviting a criminal element into your home around 3 young children and abusing substances that might render her unable to properly care for the children. 

Spent time with attorneys today initiating a divorce, but worried about my wife's volatility.  How do I avoid the nuclear bomb when it comes to the custody topic?

DO NOT discuss any of your plans with your wife.  You do have the right to seek legal counsel without sharing that information with her.  DO NOT minimize, withhold any of her bad behaviors or evidence from you attorney--impossible to go back later and say, well, by the way, she was also doing x,y,z. 


The following may seem harsh, mean or whatever adjective you want to apply, BUT the paramount issue is keeping the three boys safe.

I would strategize with my attorney to seek temporary sole custody of the children and exclusive use of the marital home.  This will likely involve getting a restraining order in the boys names against their mother.  She is a danger to the children at this point.  Your request to the court (at temporary custody hearing) will be visitation of the children to only be in a professionally supervised situation with Mom. Mom will be required to drug test prior to the visitation and also be enrolled in some sort of counseling and classes. My son's situation was eerily similar (criminal element and drug abuse). 

To avoid the "nuclear bomb" make sure the children are with you or with some one who will not let her pick up the boys when she is served because she will not be aware of your intent until she is served. 

At this point you have a lot on your side to keep the boys safe and avoid her making false allegations or playing games with custody until it all can be sorted out in court.  As I said this strategy may seem harsh, but then you are talking about a mother that puts sexting, hanging out with criminals, and drugs before her own children. 

[RollingWithIt]

Hi Greyhound,

Like you I posted for the first time yesterday, and also like you I'm trying to come to terms with the difference between the great life our family has, and the one my uBPDW is dragging us towards, no matter what efforts & lengths I go to. I, like you I think, feel utterly powerless to stop the self-destructive behaviours & the downward spiral this creates for the family.

I have however been taking great consolation & council from others advice & stories on here & f&f & counsellors etc who have helped me stay strong & keep reminding me that you simply can't make people listen if they don't want to, ie there are things you can't do, but crucially there is plenty you can do, starting by looking after yourself & prioritising this as no1 precisely so that you are then able to function and are able to get through whatever it is that lies ahead.

With that in mind, I have found physical exercise to be literally a life saver & at times when it's felt that my head's ready to explode, the physical exertion and fresh air even after only 20 mins sometimes when I'm pushed for time, is enough to 'reset' my emotions & my composure. The previously insurmountable hurdles ahead then seem not so bad, in combination with my renewed strength to get over them, gives me an 'all ok in the world' feeling, which believe me is like the most wonderful medicine. In my experience, better than any amount of alcohol & the accompanying guilt!  

I'm sure you realise this already of course, just trying to be supportive.

RollingWithIt

[livednlearned]

How do I avoid the nuclear bomb when it comes to the custody topic?  

Hi Greyhound,

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Divorce is a ground zero life-changing event, and being involved in a high-conflict divorce can multiply the effect. It took me 4 years to get the courage to leave, and a full year of planning. I had contingency plans for the contingency plans, and spent a lot of time reading and putting a plan in place. The reason for this is that the plan is to protect you, your children, AND your wife from the conflict. I knew that sharing my plan with my ex would jeopardize my son's stability because my ex lacked the capacity to minimize the conflict. Do you have a plan in place?

You probably know this already... .you cannot control how your wife reacts. You can only have strong boundaries -- most of us who were married to BPD spouses are not known for having boundaries. This is why a therapist is almost as important if not more so than the lawyer you retain. As you transition out of the marriage, you'll learn to redefine what abuse is. Right now, the things that seem great, may not look that way after you have had time to restore or grow your sense of what it means to be emotionally healthy and whole. If you can, read Lesson 5 and 6 on the Coparenting board here. Lesson 5 is about raising emotionally resilient kids when one parent has BPD. If you focus your efforts here, you'll save yourself and your kids a lot of grief. Many parents with BPD tend to engage in parental alienation, which is incredibly toxic to kids. It can be present whether you are married or divorced, but it can take root and spread more quickly if you don't figure out what's going on until the divorce is well underway. Like many of us here, you may have some very intuitive ideas about what is best for the kids that are actually deeply damaging. The rules are different when a parent has BPD. Learn from people here - therapists and lawyers who don't understand BPD often get this part wrong.

How do you feel about the strategy your attorney is recommending? Were you able to talk to more than one to get a sense of different approaches?

Let us know how you're doing, and keep posting. It really does help. People here understand and know what you're going through. You're not alone.  

LnL