How do you start ?

[EightySix]

I've been reading around the forum and site. Reading the lessons and workshops.

However they don't prepare yoy for the real thing do they?

BPDh and i have been together for 12 years.  It's only in the last 2 that he's been diagnosed and sought help.

It's been a roller coaster. And I've developed my own coping mechanisms and habits. How do I turn those off?

Today we had an argument about discipline and the children. Instead of doing ANY of the things I had been reading about I reacted defensively as usual.

So how do you condition yourself to actually use these tools instead of doing the dance?

Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaroonLiquid]

Practice... .Practice... .Practice... .I know that seems real contrite, but it's true.  One last thing, don't get down on yourself if you mess up.  You're human. 

[pressonetohold]

Hi Eightysix,

In addition to Maroon, I would say/summarize, 'small steps' and 'easy does it'. I mean, any change in habits is a very lengthy process, from taking the stairs in stead of the elevator, to kicking addiction, people tend to struggle and need constant work and practice to come to any change in habits.

Same with the mechanics of a relationship it seems. I my case (BPD partner) we are both quite aware of the problems we tend to land ourselves into, and, although it's getting less frequent we struggle the same struggles, over and over. On the plus side, we are more aware of that fact, and get over these kind of things faster and faster. Also, we tend to be more forgiving of each-other for that reason, as we are quite aware of what is going on, we tend to let it go more easily, resulting in a bit of an smoother ride than before. I has taken us almost three years though, nothing good seems to come easily it seems.

We still struggle. But there are rewards, and I take any, albeit small progress as a big win. For me, I get a lot out of feeling that I get more resilient, and more patient. She learns to trust me, just a little bit more every time.

So, in short, read and reread, get it into your system, one small step at a time, practice, make mistakes, celebrate any progress made, that way it will slowly ingrain in your behavior. Have hope. And do not underestimate the progress you are making, accept that it will take time and effort and that it will be frustrating at times. Also, things in real life don't always go 'by the book' does not mean that there has been no learning experience, or that you have failed. Learn to recognize a win. Experiment, be prepared to fail a lot, remember and celebrate any progress made. Take your time.

[an0ught]

Hi EightySix,

Today we had an argument about discipline and the children. Instead of doing ANY of the things I had been reading about I reacted defensively as usual.

So how do you condition yourself to actually use these tools instead of doing the dance?

has anyone mentioned that skills need practice 

For validation there is plenty of opportunity.

  - Your children

  - Your partner

  - At work e.g. your boss

  - Other members here on the board 

in addition you can:

  - analyze e.g. advertisements - plenty of validation there - what exact emotion is an ad targeting and how is it doing it?

For boundaries:

  - Your children e.g. limits for you not buying candy at the check-out even when faced with a tantrum

It really takes hard work and time to change your own behavior. You had decades to learn how you behave today so cut yourself some slack.