Will divorced wife's frightening behavior escalate? ~

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Diagnosed BPD ex wife (recent -- divorce judgment to be entered next month) with history of severe domestic and sexual trauma has recently taken to jogging past the house (where I still live), driving past the house, and, when I drop off the kids, handing off the kids immediately to a relative and trying to coax me into pairing off with her to attend to some errand (like walking to her car to retrieve receipts that I have said emphatically I do not want or need).  When she calls to speak to the kids, I will answer the telephone and she will attempt to engage in small talk, which I always abruptly put down -- "I'll get the kids" and then I hold the phone by my side as I walk to them.  

Here's why I keep the phone away from my ear: this behavior is accompanied by a recent telephone call in which I was reprimanded (read: screamed at) for putting a mere six months into marriage counseling, as, in her view, six months "is nothing," and for throwing out all of the wedding pictures (whose ownership she declined, her telling me to "do whatever like with them."  

I've been down this road with a stalker before (not romantic in any way; I was resolutely loyal to the ex wife) but not something like this.  So, does the combined wisdom of this board think that this behavior will escalate?  I don't want to be in for more craziness. I divorced her because I want my life to be crazy-free but I suspect that a whole new kind of crazy is just beginning.  

[goateeki]

Diagnosed BPD ex wife (recent -- divorce judgment to be entered next month) with history of severe domestic and sexual trauma has recently taken to jogging past the house (where I still live), driving past the house, and, when I drop off the kids, handing off the kids immediately to a relative and trying to coax me into pairing off with her to attend to some errand (like walking to her car to retrieve receipts that I have said emphatically I do not want or need).  When she calls to speak to the kids, I will answer the telephone and she will attempt to engage in small talk, which I always abruptly put down -- "I'll get the kids" and then I hold the phone by my side as I walk to them.  

Here's why I keep the phone away from my ear: this behavior is accompanied by a recent telephone call in which I was reprimanded (read: screamed at) for putting a mere six months into marriage counseling, as, in her view, six months "is nothing," and for throwing out all of the wedding pictures (whose ownership she declined, her telling me to "do whatever like with them."  

I've been down this road with a stalker before (not romantic in any way; I was resolutely loyal to the ex wife) but not something like this.  So, does the combined wisdom of this board think that this behavior will escalate?  I don't want to be in for more craziness. I divorced her because I want my life to be crazy-free but I suspect that a whole new kind of crazy is just beginning.  

[llor]

I actually think you are lucky because at least you got a divorce. Still getting ready for mine with my ex. What I found out is that their BPD usually flares up when they are alone. When we broke up, my ex was initially with somebody else right away and left me alone for a few months. Then she became single again and the phone calls and frantic text messaging started again. Now she met somebody else so now at least I can have some peace.

But yeah. From what I heard here and from my short experience, expect no respite.

[goateeki]

Thanks, Ilor.  At least I have some idea what to expect as far as the when, and the duration. 

Her parents and sister are with her at her apartment constantly.  She is almost never alone, and I think maybe I should be grateful for that because it sounds as if the behavior could be a lot worse. 

It just occurred to me that the reason behind the drive-by's and the jogging past the house is to see who is there, at the house (which used to be hers).

[llor]

After we broke up, my ex was with a string of guys (which she relished telling me about) so naturally she got pissed when I would'nt tell her if I have been with somebody else since.

I think that their BPD compels them to be obsessive about things like that to the point that its all they can think of. Even now when she claims that she is with someone else and so in love and happy and wishes me the same, I can now sense that she is doing that to probe, to see if I too am with someone.

Rejection is what drives them mad but sadly, for your own sake its the only way to go. In a relationship with a BPD if you are in, you are in, if you are out, stay out.

I had doubt about that and I attended therapy with family support groups for people with BPD family members, had sessions with 2 differents psychologist, and read what people posted here too and NC is the way to go. You cannot allow yourself to become emotionally available to them anymore or they will drag you right back in and try to recycle the relationship.

Try to live by the words of a famous man: "Run, you fools" - Gandalf

[goateeki]

I think that their BPD compels them to be obsessive about things like that to the point that its all they can think of. Even now when she claims that she is with someone else and so in love and happy and wishes me the same, I can now sense that she is doing that to probe, to see if I too am with someone.

Something similar has occurred to me... .the patronizing "I'm so happy for you" that's really just fishing for information.  It's really amazing how adept these people are at manipulating -- sometimes in really, really subtle ways -- the people near them.

My T has suggested that, like an anglerfish or a Venus flytrap plant, they're evolved to have tools that draw in emotional prey and consume it.  Thus, the innocent "I'm so happy you've found happiness" is really an effort to obtain information that can be used against the subject.   

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Congrats on ending it and for the way you are sidestepping her attempts, goateeki.  

I think you are smart to be prepared for anything.  My b/u led to lots of harassment/stalking/threats.  I did not know him to be violent, but I had to allow for that possibility.  Complete NC was an option for me but clearly will be different with you having kids together.

That said, I would trust your gut and continue to be very smart and precautious.  Sounds like there is a very good chance it may get worse before it gets better.  I've mentioned this several times on this site, but Gavin de Becker's book, The Gift of Fear, saved my sanity during the harassment.  Seriously.  I reached for that book all the time.  It gave me (1) a strategy (no response), (2) the reasons for such strategy and the evidence that it works and (3) the strength to carry on when I doubted everything.  This book saved me.  

My ex didn't execute his threats, thankfully, but I had to take them seriously nevertheless.  I still do.  

Hang in there.  I would expect it this to be a bit of a haul.