BPD Roller Coaster

[TryingToUnderstandHer]

I have reunited with my ex-fiancé after 35 years. I never married; she was married X3. When I ended the engagement back then, I was not prepared to understand what went wrong. BPD was just beginning to emerge as a real mental illness. In retrospect, I understand: even though now things are mostly good, I recognize now that she had BPD back then and still suffers from 7 of the 9 traits. Splitting is probably the most prominent followed by fear of abandonment and loss of object constancy. She does not acknowledge her BPD despite numerous periods of therapy. It is not a topic that I would attempt to discuss with her.  I feel that I am better equipped to understand her now. However, my enhanced understanding does not help her. I am just hoping to ride out the bad times because the good times are the norm.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Welcome to the forums!

Wow, reuniting after 35 years! How long have the two of you been back together? Why did you cut the engagement off 35 years ago? What makes you think that this time will be different?

I know that I have thrown a bunch of questions at you. You don't have to answer them unless you want to as I was putting them out there as food for thought.

A great place to start my be the lessons, which you can find down the right side. How much do you know about BPD? Even if you have a lot of knowledge, the lessons can be great because they are in a lot smaller chunks than a book. And, it is pretty easy to read a bit and then come post questions and get responses.

[an0ught]

Welcome TryingUnderstandHer,

However, my enhanced understanding does not help her.

you underestimate your power. You can't fix her so much is true. Better not to try it either. You and her may not be a natural fit for a close relationship as you have found in the past. But now with your understanding you will be able to reduce triggering her and even more important know how important respect is and take the necessary stands to protect your boundaries. That is quite a lot you can be doing and it can make a huge difference. There are good and bad days in all relationships and with a little precaution we can do a lot to prevent the latter spinning out of control.

Thinking about, you are right understanding won't help her much. What helps are your skills - which takes learning and daily practice.

,

a0