I'm sorry

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Today I saw her car. And I've been wracked with anxiety. This is a venting post. I just need the release.

I'm so sorry ex. Whatever it was that triggered you to do this, whatever it is that drives you to never say anything to me. Whatever it was that drove you to these lengths. I'm so sorry. It was always this way with you. You never did accept any apologies, you never took an 'I'm sorry.' Nothing was ever enough for you. And now I'm stuck with all this pain, I'm stuck with the constant, never-ending frustration of never even being able to talk to you. You've erected these iron clad walls between us, I can never make things right between us again! I can never even tell you how sorry I am. How stupid I was, how much different I am now.  

After I saw her car (I was hanging out with my older sister), I just came home and got in bed. The anxiety is killing me.

And for hours I just laid in bed in and out of consciousness just saying it over and over again I'm sorry I am so sorry, I am so sorry, please forgive me, God please forgive me

I can't stand it. I gave and I loved this girl for a year of my life. I thought that she was the one, she was the first love of my life.

I am just so sorry. I'm sorry for everything I did. I am so sorry for the way I acted and behaved. Will you ever forgive me? Ever? Will you ever even say another word to me?

I sit here alone all the time and I just cry, and I cry some more. This can not be the way it is supposed to be. This can not be the way God intended it to be.

[Reecer1588]

Today I saw her car. And I've been wracked with anxiety. This is a venting post. I just need the release.

I'm so sorry ex. Whatever it was that triggered you to do this, whatever it is that drives you to never say anything to me. Whatever it was that drove you to these lengths. I'm so sorry. It was always this way with you. You never did accept any apologies, you never took an 'I'm sorry.' Nothing was ever enough for you. And now I'm stuck with all this pain, I'm stuck with the constant, never-ending frustration of never even being able to talk to you. You've erected these iron clad walls between us, I can never make things right between us again! I can never even tell you how sorry I am. How stupid I was, how much different I am now.  

After I saw her car (I was hanging out with my older sister), I just came home and got in bed. The anxiety is killing me.

And for hours I just laid in bed in and out of consciousness just saying it over and over again I'm sorry I am so sorry, I am so sorry, please forgive me, God please forgive me

I can't stand it. I gave and I loved this girl for a year of my life. I thought that she was the one, she was the first love of my life.

I am just so sorry. I'm sorry for everything I did. I am so sorry for the way I acted and behaved. Will you ever forgive me? Ever? Will you ever even say another word to me?

I sit here alone all the time and I just cry, and I cry some more. This can not be the way it is supposed to be. This can not be the way God intended it to be.

[Inside]

That is not the way it’s meant to be, if it’s meant to be anything at all…  You experienced an anomaly, we all did.  This wasn’t you.  You may have problems, it’s near impossible to get through life without them, but what you were up against is a forever problem.  Worse, a thought pattern that places the blame on you, not the source, BPD.  

Assuming she has BPD, it’s often described as a countdown to the end of any r/s.  Our days were numbered.  The closer we got, the further away they needed us to be.  The more we wanted them, the harder they groped for reasons to leave us.  They can’t do close, or lasting.  We can - thus, we hurt.  They simply move on to another temporary infatuation - because that’s as close to love as they’ll ever get.  

We writhe in pain, and then some more…  And though they may appear to have happily moved on, their happiness is short lived and their cycle will repeat.

You are healthy, therefore, you suffer.  You are real, and capable of a deep and lasting love.  This will not be your last - make that so!  Heal, learn, and watch for the behavior that led you to this pain  Good is out there, I guarantee.  And if you’re young - all the better!  

In a way, you’ve actually been done a favor.  :)on’t know if you can attribute that to divine intervention... .but had you married, had children, intertwined your lives further - you’d have been poised to experience Hell on Earth.  

Make it be over, and notice who cares - and take care of them.  I’m surely old enough to be your father, yet feel your pain.  Again, you’ve tasted Hell, now avoid it.  Heaven’s out there, and what an exciting thought to realize you may not yet know her name

[cosmonaut]

I'm really sorry you are hurting so much, Reecer.  I would feel really shaken up if I saw my ex, or even her car, too.  So, I can appreciate how today is a difficult and emotional day.  I hope tomorrow is a better one.

I think Inside has a good point: what leads you to believe that this is all your fault?

[wanttoknowmore]

Reecer, In first few months after B/U , I went thru extreme anxiety myself whenever I saw any Black Mercedes 7 series... .as she had this type of car.  With time , black Mercedes don't bother me anymore.

I had some guilt too... .but your guilt seems intense and unreasonable... .excessive guilt is a symptom of depression in many people. Friend, yes ... .it hurts like hell... .BUT we have to live for out other loved ones... .Its not fair to our parents, relatives and friends to ignore them and absorb ourselves totally into a human being who is sick ... .but is our loved one.

Be the Man... .my friend, raise your head and declare to to yourself... ."I am powerful... .I will prevail... .I can handle all this... .after all ... .these are only feelings... .I am brave and I will recover from this .  I DECIDE TO HEAL MYSELF . I have almost recovered 80% and I am on my path to 100%. If ever she returns, she will find me the same confident, strong, balanced and wise man... .she fell in love with first time.   My best wishes... .dear friend. No guts... .no glory. Rise and be the same man once again what you were and still are.

This was my only experience loving someone with BPD and this taught me great lessons... .I wish her happiness every morning ... .she tried to love... .could not do it... .not her fault... .

She used to say... .If it meant to be... .its going to happen... .let her heal... .give her time and space... .be the real man... .feel the pain... .and stand tall and confident.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry I am so sorry, I am so sorry, please forgive me, God please forgive me

Here's a tip Reecer: say that to yourself.  Asking god to forgive you is a place to start if that works for you, and then get very busy forgiving yourself.  That does two things, it shifts the focus from something you can't control to something you can, and it gives you the power, the power to forgive.  And you should take it.  

So what's the first thing you can do to forgive yourself?  We'll be waiting... .

[nowwhatz]

Reecer I like what inside said about us being healthy and therefore the pain and suffering is normal for us.  Also you are a young guy so have plenty of time to recover and meet women you deserve.

Even though we are blocked I saw a new photo of my ex on FB as she is a FB friend of a local acquaintance. She is very photogenic and at first I did not recognize her in the pic as she looked, frankly terrible. Then I read the comment thanking her and somebody else for helping with food and drink at a birthday party. I have been angry for 2 weeks since reading that as it is out of character for her to lift a finger to help anybody with anything.

I have been asking God to help me forgive her so I can let go of the anger but if I let go of the anger I might be vulnerable to another one of her tricks.

Your reactions are normal for a healthy person having gone through a BPD r/s. Doesn't make it easy, I know.  But we have to believe in the end we will be stronger and better people.

[Reecer1588]

Assuming she has BPD, it’s often described as a countdown to the end of any r/s.  Our days were numbered.  The closer we got, the further away they needed us to be.  The more we wanted them, the harder they groped for reasons to leave us.  They can’t do close, or lasting.  We can - thus, we hurt.  They simply move on to another temporary infatuation - because that’s as close to love as they’ll ever get.

I would do anything to be the exception to the rule. I've actually talked to some people from her past, long time friends, old acquaintances, my ex has eliminated them all. I'm not the first to be eliminated, just one on a long list, and the first long term, intimate boyfriend to be eliminated. God I wish I could be the exception.

In a way, you’ve actually been done a favor.  Don’t know if you can attribute that to divine intervention... .but had you married, had children, intertwined your lives further - you’d have been poised to experience Hell on Earth. 

Sure doesn't feel like God has done me any favors. He knows that I love this girl so much and yet she is still gone.

I think Inside has a good point: what leads you to believe that this is all your fault?

Because I blew my chance. I drove her away so far and now she may never even speak to me again. This silence may be everything I ever get from her again. I don't know if I'll ever stop wanting her.

Be the Man... .my friend, raise your head and declare to to yourself... ."I am powerful... .I will prevail... .I can handle all this... .after all ... .these are only feelings... .I am brave and I will recover from this .  I DECIDE TO HEAL MYSELF . I have almost recovered 80% and I am on my path to 100%. If ever she returns, she will find me the same confident, strong, balanced and wise man... .she fell in love with first time.   My best wishes... .dear friend. No guts... .no glory. Rise and be the same man once again what you were and still are.

This was my only experience loving someone with BPD and this taught me great lessons... .I wish her happiness every morning ... .she tried to love... .could not do it... .not her fault... .

She used to say... .If it meant to be... .its going to happen... .let her heal... .give her time and space... .be the real man... .feel the pain... .and stand tall and confident.

Your words resonate with me. I've lost 15% of my body weight, or 31 pounds, I lift weights and exercise daily. I'm trying my hardest to be more confident and I want to be a better person, but there's only one person on this earth that I want to share this success with. Only one person I want to talk to. Only one person I want to show my new self to. And she's gone. I try hard to be a 'man' but I just can't deny how I feel.

So what's the first thing you can do to forgive yourself?  We'll be waiting... .

I'm not sure. I want HER to forgive me. That's what I want.

Your reactions are normal for a healthy person having gone through a BPD r/s. Doesn't make it easy, I know.  But we have to believe in the end we will be stronger and better people.

What I want to know is this, what is the end? When will I stop wanting her? When will I stop loving her? When will it stop eating me alive that she never talks to me, and that I can never talk to her first again? I certainly feel stronger than I did. But when does it end? I'm open to meeting someone new, maybe then.

[mgl210]

Today I saw her car. And I've been wracked with anxiety. This is a venting post. I just need the release.

I'm so sorry ex. Whatever it was that triggered you to do this, whatever it is that drives you to never say anything to me. Whatever it was that drove you to these lengths. I'm so sorry. It was always this way with you. You never did accept any apologies, you never took an 'I'm sorry.' Nothing was ever enough for you. And now I'm stuck with all this pain, I'm stuck with the constant, never-ending frustration of never even being able to talk to you. You've erected these iron clad walls between us, I can never make things right between us again! I can never even tell you how sorry I am. How stupid I was, how much different I am now.  

After I saw her car (I was hanging out with my older sister), I just came home and got in bed. The anxiety is killing me.

And for hours I just laid in bed in and out of consciousness just saying it over and over again I'm sorry I am so sorry, I am so sorry, please forgive me, God please forgive me

I can't stand it. I gave and I loved this girl for a year of my life. I thought that she was the one, she was the first love of my life.

I am just so sorry. I'm sorry for everything I did. I am so sorry for the way I acted and behaved. Will you ever forgive me? Ever? Will you ever even say another word to me?

I sit here alone all the time and I just cry, and I cry some more. This can not be the way it is supposed to be. This can not be the way God intended it to be.

I want to commend you for acknowledging your pain my friend. I want to commend you for being upfront with your pain and not trying to feel the unecessary need to hide behind it. For the longest time, whenever my exwBPD would pop in and out of my life, i would always hide behind my pain. I would hide, because I felt the need to do so,otherwise she would get up and go.

You are allowed to feel how you feel. The sad thing is, that sometimes our friends/family just don't get it, They don't understand how we are coping, because they see it as just any ordinary rs.

IME, I can remember the first time she and I had split. I saw her car and I automatically started panicking. I found myself short of breathe, You did whatever you could to show this individual how much you loved them. You didn't do anything wrong. Its not your fault. Its somehow their own distorted thinking that they feel that you are the one that has hurt them, when its actually a defense mechanism that they have inside of themselves to rationalize that their behavior is totally acceptable.  The best advice I can offer you is this: be honest with your feelings, feel free to purge your feelings to this board. We aren't allowed to judge you, as is no one has that right to do so. Be good to yourself

MGL

[Inside]

What I want to know is this, what is the end? When will I stop wanting her? When will I stop loving her? When will it stop eating me alive that she never talks to me, and that I can never talk to her first again? I certainly feel stronger than I did. But when does it end? I'm open to meeting someone new, maybe then.

... .when you understand her, and her condition.  But I’ll warn you, as you research her condition, you may become stuck ... .ruminating about your time with her.  I have.  I also counted 7 recycles, allowing myself to weakly fall back into the matrix.  It never worked because it could never work.  All it did was cause additional pain, perhaps in both directions.  And, again, kept me from moving on.

We want what we had - everything at once!  It was all thrown at us, like never before.  It’s all they’ve got, and they use it quick.  We, wired for the duration, assume it’s real, and lasting.  We love it - who wouldn’t?  But it’s a lie, a lie they can even convince themselves of.  We’re all taken in, swept away ... .like a drug... . They want it, we want it, but it’s unsustainable, it’s fake.  And though it has a real effect on our minds and bodies, it breaks down.  And no matter how much we crave it, each high becomes less than before.

And they want us to want them, and we do.  But - they can’t take the responsibilities, the expectations, the intimacy or fidelity…  And in an attempt to feel less shame, they shift it to us.  Leaving us to feel the failure of the r/s was our fault.  The fluidity of their blame is nearly biological as it feels so real - they’re that good   

Yes, we love them … as they’ve used their life-energy to ‘become’ what they so cleverly detect that we want.  But - that level of deception is unsustainable, they burn out, then back off … fearing we’ll find out who they really are, and reject them.  They so fear the pain of rejection they set us up to receive it all.  I feel they want to hurt us, knock us down before they flee.  They hate themselves and fear retaliation for the pain they’ve knowingly inflicted.  And yes, though they’re looking for love too, an internal switch is eventually flipped that, yet again, lets them to know - this is not going to work - so run!  ... .but before you run, disable your mate... .

Ultimately, they run from themselves, from which they’ll never escape.  

So what about us?  How do we recover?  :)amn slow!  I’ve read their words -- nothing has helped me understand this more.  Around here, including myself, it’s speculation.  From them, it’s the raw truth.  I’ve needed a combination of both to understand, and begin to move on.  I’m 1.5 years out, and likely think of her daily.  Perhaps it’s like craving ‘that’ drug forever…  And I don’t do drugs

I hurts, and it’s there ... .even if they aren’t... . They hurt, too.  But we can’t help; nothing and nobody can repair the portion of their brains that are responsible for this behavior.  I accepted everything, and was willing to $pend anything to help her.  Nothing works.  Nothing would have worked.  We love them, and they deserve love.  BUT…  there’s always a but … it’s beyond their ability to accept or reciprocate.  

I hope, having experienced this at a far earlier age than me, that it in some way strengthens you.  I’ve truly begun to believe the adage, ‘what doesn't kill you - makes you stronger.’  You will be stronger, if wiser.  

Another love can go far to erase ... .but, you won’t be love-bombed…  It’ll be so different, slow motion in comparison.  But (that word again), it will be real, it can be lasting, and it can be deep beyond belief.  Most of all, you will truly receive a partnership in love, not crime.  

What you need is perspective, maybe I’ve given you some... . But perspective comes from time and distance.  And, (a close relative of but... .) - not to let it kill ya!  Trudge on … just do it.  Laugh at what you think’s funny and cry if you feel sad.  Purge & accept.  Eventually, You will reemerge.  With a coating of something others perceive ... .but can’t quite describe.  That will be wisdome, yours forever - wear it with pride, you will have earned it