Late mother was a BPD alcoholic; coping with both relief/loss due to her death.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi.  My BPD (generally "Queen" type) mother was also an alcoholic, and drank herself to death on Thanksgiving 2013.  I had gone NC five years earlier, and hadn't exchanged so much as a word with her in over 4 years.

It sounds terrible, but I am relieved that she's gone.  She made herself and everyone she touched miserable. At the same time, as horrible as my mother could be, and often, was - I miss her.  She could also be charming, infectiously joyous, and strong as hell.  I tried to be like her throughout my childhood, and only ran away from her at 17 when it was no longer safe to live in her house.

I am 24 years old now, and it's been 18 months since her death. It helps to read these message boards sometimes, even though it makes me sad.

[laurakt17]

Hi.  My BPD (generally "Queen" type) mother was also an alcoholic, and drank herself to death on Thanksgiving 2013.  I had gone NC five years earlier, and hadn't exchanged so much as a word with her in over 4 years.

It sounds terrible, but I am relieved that she's gone.  She made herself and everyone she touched miserable. At the same time, as horrible as my mother could be, and often, was - I miss her.  She could also be charming, infectiously joyous, and strong as hell.  I tried to be like her throughout my childhood, and only ran away from her at 17 when it was no longer safe to live in her house.

I am 24 years old now, and it's been 18 months since her death. It helps to read these message boards sometimes, even though it makes me sad.

[Kwamina]

Hi laurakt17

Welcome to bpdfamily  I am glad you find reading these message boards helpful sometimes but can also understand how it can make you sad. I am very sorry you had these difficult experiences with your mother and that she died in such a tragic way.

Since you say how horrible your mother could be at times and make people miserable, it's understandable to me that you're relieved that you no longer are subjected to that abusive behavior. At the same time she was still your mother though and the fact that she's gone changes your life in many ways. You also remember the good times and her positive qualities. I have a undiagnosed BPD mother myself and you could say that for many years my entire existence was dictated by her behavior. Would you say that this was your experience too?

You tried to be like her throughout your childhood so also in that sense she was a big part of your life and identity. Did you perhaps feel like your mother defined you or tried to define you? Now that she's gone do you perhaps feel like a part of you/your identity is gone too and you now find yourself re-adjusting to this new life?

[ViaCrusis1689]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I think what you are feeling is quite understandable and normal given the situation. My mom is still living, and I find myself resenting her for her issues and what she puts me and my dad through, but at the same time I still love her. I often feel guilty for this as I know I should be thankful that she's still here. It can feel so conflicting at times. I can only imagine these feelings intensify after a person like this in your life passes on as that is final.

I wish I had better advice for you in regards to how to cope. I think the best think is to try not to beat yourself up for feeling what you are; it just is, not good or bad.