Still feeling guilty. Was it Me.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

To this day, even as I think of all the little things, the red flags, I keep questioning myself as to whether or not it was me!  I think, just the fact that I question myself and wonder about myself tells me that It wasn't me. OR it wasn't completely me (I was part of the RS).

What has she done to me?  What is the hold, the addiction, the infatuation that has caused me to feel this way. Why is it surfacing again now too?

I think the term is high functioning when they blend in with non's very well, am I correct?  Is a high functioning pwBPD able to hide it better? Better at manipulating? Just all around better at doing what comes natural from them.  I understand that BPD to them is like my creative ability to me. It just comes natural and I go with the flow.  I'm trying so hard to look at things differently.  Kinda like working out and bombarding your muscles from different directions to stimulate growth.  Well, I'm trying to stimulate understanding and healing in me.  Experimenting, to me, is very important. I believe that there is always more than one way to skin a cat as they say.

Thinks about mental health in the distant past. Lobotomy by ice pick?  We've come a long way, correct?  I'm sure that how we look at things can be just as drastic and quite monumental as the jump from barbaric to civilized.

[DyingLove]

To this day, even as I think of all the little things, the red flags, I keep questioning myself as to whether or not it was me!  I think, just the fact that I question myself and wonder about myself tells me that It wasn't me. OR it wasn't completely me (I was part of the RS).

What has she done to me?  What is the hold, the addiction, the infatuation that has caused me to feel this way. Why is it surfacing again now too?

I think the term is high functioning when they blend in with non's very well, am I correct?  Is a high functioning pwBPD able to hide it better? Better at manipulating? Just all around better at doing what comes natural from them.  I understand that BPD to them is like my creative ability to me. It just comes natural and I go with the flow.  I'm trying so hard to look at things differently.  Kinda like working out and bombarding your muscles from different directions to stimulate growth.  Well, I'm trying to stimulate understanding and healing in me.  Experimenting, to me, is very important. I believe that there is always more than one way to skin a cat as they say.

Thinks about mental health in the distant past. Lobotomy by ice pick?  We've come a long way, correct?  I'm sure that how we look at things can be just as drastic and quite monumental as the jump from barbaric to civilized.

[confounded]

All relationships have their ups and downs, but in a healthy relationship, you get input and can adjust, compromise, agree to disagree, or to split ways more or less amicably if you decide it just doesn't work. In a BPD relationship, all the signs are wrong, or there are none to begin with. It's like playing hopscotch in a minefield layed out by a drunkard - there's no pattern to it and every step can end in an ominous "click". Blaming yourself for failure in a BPD relationship is like blaming yourself you can't read Sanskrit when you have never been taught how to read it - you can, after a lot of work and frustration, teach yourself to read it, but in the end you'll question whether it was worth it.

Ok, I think I'm done with the hackneyed metaphors 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey DL, Those w/BPD are experts at manipulation, which is why it is easy to get lost in the F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) in a BPD r/s.  No, it wasn't you.  Those w/BPD foist blame on the SO in order to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.  Your job is to dodge that blame.  If you are like me, you are probably evaluating your former r/s through the lens of a reasonable, caring person.  Unfortunately pwBPD are neither reasonable nor caring, so your efforts to understand are likely to fail

LuckyJim

[rotiroti]

All relationships have their ups and downs, but in a healthy relationship, you get input and can adjust, compromise, agree to disagree, or to split ways more or less amicably if you decide it just doesn't work. In a BPD relationship, all the signs are wrong, or there are none to begin with. It's like playing hopscotch in a minefield layed out by a drunkard - there's no pattern to it and every step can end in an ominous "click". Blaming yourself for failure in a BPD relationship is like blaming yourself you can't read Sanskrit when you have never been taught how to read it - you can, after a lot of work and frustration, teach yourself to read it, but in the end you'll question whether it was worth it.

Ok, I think I'm done with the hackneyed metaphors 

"... .hopscotch in a minefield layed out by a drunkard"


LOL spot on!

[DyingLove]

All relationships have their ups and downs, but in a healthy relationship, you get input and can adjust, compromise, agree to disagree, or to split ways more or less amicably if you decide it just doesn't work. In a BPD relationship, all the signs are wrong, or there are none to begin with. It's like playing hopscotch in a minefield layed out by a drunkard - there's no pattern to it and every step can end in an ominous "click". Blaming yourself for failure in a BPD relationship is like blaming yourself you can't read Sanskrit when you have never been taught how to read it - you can, after a lot of work and frustration, teach yourself to read it, but in the end you'll question whether it was worth it.

Ok, I think I'm done with the hackneyed metaphors 

In a sense, it's like having faith.  It's hard to believe in something that you can't see, nor touch.   You gotta have faith that everything isn't exactly what it appears to be sometimes.  Like feeling your way around in the dark.  I know that it probably is not me at total fault, but the incredible conviction of BPD just makes you question this stuff... .and quite frankly I hate when it rehashes in my mind.

[confounded]

I know what you mean. I've gone through all my actions in the previous six months prior to the fizzling out of my friendship with my pwBPD friend over and over again, trying to figure out what did I say or do to upset her, what I could've done differently, if anything she said to me was true ... .and each time coming to the conclusion that I did not say or do anything that would've broken up a healthy relationship, and if all she told me were lies, I wouldn't want to hang around such a person anyway. Still bugs me to no end emotionally, even if I intellectually know the end would've been the same sooner or later.

[Lucky Jim]

I know that it probably is not me at total fault, but the incredible conviction of BPD just makes you question this stuff... .

Right, those w/BPD are quite convincing.  They are accomplished manipulators.  My suggestion: don't buy into it.

LJ

[DyingLove]

I know that it probably is not me at total fault, but the incredible conviction of BPD just makes you question this stuff... .

Right, those w/BPD are quite convincing.  They are accomplished manipulators.  My suggestion: don't buy into it.

LJ

Well, I'm gone since 3/19, and honestly all that is left is GHOSTS of everything. All these manifestations in my own head just pop in to say hi just like inconsiderable bas*ards with no regard for me or my feelings.  So when they visit, I try to deal with it as best as I can.  Yes, VERY convincing, even when they are not trying.

[klacey3]

Hi dyinglove

I know how you feel. I have the same thoughts and feelings as you and discuss this with my counsellor. I think it is easy to see from an outsiders perspective it is not you that is the problem. Think about this... .does your exBPD get along well with people consistently? Do you get along with people consistently? I think this helps to put things into perspective.

You can pm me anytime

[DyingLove]

Hi dyinglove

I know how you feel. I have the same thoughts and feelings as you and discuss this with my counsellor. I think it is easy to see from an outsiders perspective it is not you that is the problem. Think about this... .does your exBPD get along well with people consistently? Do you get along with people consistently? I think this helps to put things into perspective.

You can pm me anytime

Hi Klacey3.  I usually always get along with people. Usually.  If someone proves themselves to be someone that I don't like, I'll try to get them out of my life, but other than that I give others a chance.  I think the ex got along with people, but a few times it was like you could tell that she was hamming it up somewhat and she came across weird to a couple.  I know that.  Like I mentioned, she was obviously very funtioning and could pass herself off as a perfectly normal person.  One night we both took the online test to screen BPD and I was not a candidate, and she was an excellent candidate.  At that point I don't think she thought she had a problem, but after taking that test, it's like her outlook on herself changed. Almost like, "WHO ARE YOU TO DIAGNOSE ME", "THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT". That kind of denial attitude.  And on the other hand it was like: "OH SH*T, I'M FOUND OUT!".   I'm still confused about that too.

[Kelli Cornett]

It takes two to tango. There is always things we can improve on to be the best version of ourselves no one is perfect. Sometimes my BPD was right about things where I needed improvement. I could listen and take that advice. It was 10 times harder for him though to do the same.

[DyingLove]

It takes two to tango. There is always things we can improve on to be the best version of ourselves no one is perfect. Sometimes my BPD was right about things where I needed improvement. I could listen and take that advice. It was 10 times harder for him though to do the same.

I always include myself as part of the situation.  But what the exBPD does in the RS is quite related to how you/me handle ourselves.  eg. If she didn't provoke me and antagonize me, I would NEVER have said things that I did, and it would never have progressed into "whatever".  It all starts with an action.  On occasion she did actually say smart and great stuff.  I do NOT think she was stupid/dumb at all. But when it came to her BPD stuff, she was obviously the expert in her field.

[AwakenedOne]

"Still feeling guilty. Was it Me?"

I wouldn't beat yourself up about mistakes that you made. I made a lot too. Nothing major though in my opinion. They trash us to feel better about themselves and / or as an excuse to move on to the "greener grass". Their grass will always be contaminated though. A BPD relationship is doomed unless you just become a door mat to them and that would most likely just buy you time.

When you love someone, what they say and what they think about you holds much weight naturally. In the case of a BPD relationships though I'd throw that thinking right out the window. What a mentally disordered person thinks about me doesn't mean much anymore. When she just called me for the most part by the name Fkker the last couple months of our marriage I had it with her. That's abuse clearly. Am I a Fkker? Is she the Devil? Who knows? Probably neither is true. I think she is closer to the Devil than I am a Fkker though. At least her behaviors and actions would back that up.

Even though my wife tossed me away If I had of called her up and did whatever she would want of me she would of had me back. Such as providing her babies and all of her other needs while I shut my mouth in the process. My advice is resist making a call to yours also.

[DyingLove]

"Still feeling guilty. Was it Me?"

I wouldn't beat yourself up about mistakes that you made. I made a lot too. Nothing major though in my opinion. They trash us to feel better about themselves and / or as an excuse to move on to the "greener grass". Their grass will always be contaminated though. A BPD relationship is doomed unless you just become a door mat to them and that would most likely just buy you time.

When you love someone, what they say and what they think about you holds much weight naturally. In the case of a BPD relationships though I'd throw that thinking right out the window. What a mentally disordered person thinks about me doesn't mean much anymore. When she just called me for the most part by the name Fkker the last couple months of our marriage I had it with her. That's abuse clearly. Am I a Fkker? Is she the Devil? Who knows? Probably neither is true. I think she is closer to the Devil than I am a Fkker though. At least her behaviors and actions would back that up.

Even though my wife tossed me away. If I had of called her up and did whatever she would want of me she would of had me back. Such as providing her babies and all of her other needs while I shut my mouth in the process. My advice is resist making a call to her yours also.

Thanks AO.  I agree totally.  IT's not always easy recognizing real love, it doesn't hit (always) like a ton of bricks connected to a hydrogen bomb!  It's subtle. People in love don't text you 10000000 times a day. Nor do they have to constantly have contact too.  It's different.  Isn't it?

I don't plan on calling anyone at all.