Feel too emotionally weak to leave

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi.

I know it is the right thing to leave my bf but I don't feel able to. 2 days ago he was saying he was going to take his ex to a family get together because im not cut out for it as i refuse to go (because he has upset me too much recently I didnt want to see him). He tells me how his ex would have made him proud and how much of a slut i am for sleeping with men every weekend (obviously im not). I get so angry I tell him its over.

Yesterday morning he calls me up saying he cant bare the thought of not being with me and he loves me more than anyone else he has beren with and will do anything I want. He claims to have had 'bad thoughts' thinking about not being with me.

Today he tells me he never starts an argument and its always me who starts it over ridiculous things. I apparently am meeting guys every weekend (I actually meet my friends). He tells me he doesnt do and say things for no reason I always provoke him and if I didnt hurt him he wouldn't hurt me back. He threatened to put parts of our conversation on facebook... .(obviously selected parts that would make me look bad). I told him if he did that then I would tell people things about him. Im apparently a sick **** for saying that.

Im so sick of all this. But part of me thinks it would be easier just to be with him and let him get away with whatever rather than challenge him and leave him... .I feel like that makes it worse. I don't feel strong enough to leave... .I feel like the only way to cope would be with alcohol or something. This worries me as I have never done anything self destructive like alcohol or self harm or anything like that. I feel so guilty about hurting him and am blaming myself for his actions and words even though I know I don't deserve this. Anyone feel like this? :'/

[klacey3]

Hi.

I know it is the right thing to leave my bf but I don't feel able to. 2 days ago he was saying he was going to take his ex to a family get together because im not cut out for it as i refuse to go (because he has upset me too much recently I didnt want to see him). He tells me how his ex would have made him proud and how much of a slut i am for sleeping with men every weekend (obviously im not). I get so angry I tell him its over.

Yesterday morning he calls me up saying he cant bare the thought of not being with me and he loves me more than anyone else he has beren with and will do anything I want. He claims to have had 'bad thoughts' thinking about not being with me.

Today he tells me he never starts an argument and its always me who starts it over ridiculous things. I apparently am meeting guys every weekend (I actually meet my friends). He tells me he doesnt do and say things for no reason I always provoke him and if I didnt hurt him he wouldn't hurt me back. He threatened to put parts of our conversation on facebook... .(obviously selected parts that would make me look bad). I told him if he did that then I would tell people things about him. Im apparently a sick **** for saying that.

Im so sick of all this. But part of me thinks it would be easier just to be with him and let him get away with whatever rather than challenge him and leave him... .I feel like that makes it worse. I don't feel strong enough to leave... .I feel like the only way to cope would be with alcohol or something. This worries me as I have never done anything self destructive like alcohol or self harm or anything like that. I feel so guilty about hurting him and am blaming myself for his actions and words even though I know I don't deserve this. Anyone feel like this? :'/

[FannyB]

Hi Klacey3

Sorry you're having to go through this - it must be a really intimidating catch 22 situation for you. This can't go on indefinitely though if there's no sign of improvement on your SO's part. Have you tried looking on the 'staying' board to see if there's any stories on there that resonate with your experience?

[klacey3]

Hi Klacey3

Sorry you're having to go through this - it must be a really intimidating catch 22 situation for you. This can't go on indefinitely though if there's no sign of improvement on your SO's part. Have you tried looking on the 'staying' board to see if there's any stories on there that resonate with your experience?

Thanks Fanny. I am so angry with him I don't want to stay. I think I deserve better. All I can think of in my head is him comparing me to his ex as being proud of her and to meet her just because I dont want to see him atm. The accusations... .the blame of all arguments being my fault... .the threats to write about me on facebook... .I just feel so unhappy. Surely I deserve better than this right? I hate this because of him telling me I am extremely self centred and overreactive I worry I really am and that he is actually in the right and my head is a mess and I keep crying

[fromheeltoheal]

Im so sick of all this.

As you should be.  The emotional rollercoaster that is being in a relationship with someone with an unstable sense of self and highly refined defense mechanisms that make everything your fault and make you doubt yourself is crazymaking, been there done that, and you're in the middle of it, we know that because you're talking about self-medicating and self-harming to cope.  It doesn't take strength to leave necessarily, it takes the pain of staying to become greater than the pain of leaving and then you will flee.  I wish I could say I did that, I stayed longer than I should have, when it was extremely painful, but I eventually pulled my head out and fled.  There was no guilt because by then I was massively pissed off at her and wanted her to feel as much pain as possible, and once the fog cleared and I learned about the disorder I realized her life is a living hell and I couldn't have fixed it anyway.  And then the task of discovering why I went so far down the rabbit hole to begin with, that's where the healing and the growth are, but you have to get out first.  Anger can be your friend right now, it can give you strength; is that a possibility?

[FannyB]

Hi Klacey3

Sorry you're having to go through this - it must be a really intimidating catch 22 situation for you. This can't go on indefinitely though if there's no sign of improvement on your SO's part. Have you tried looking on the 'staying' board to see if there's any stories on there that resonate with your experience?

Thanks Fanny. I am so angry with him I don't want to stay. I think I deserve better. All I can think of in my head is him comparing me to his ex as being proud of her and to meet her just because I dont want to see him atm. The accusations... .the blame of all arguments being my fault... .the threats to write about me on facebook... .I just feel so unhappy. Surely I deserve better than this right? I hate this because of him telling me I am extremely self centred and overreactive I worry I really am and that he is actually in the right and my head is a mess and I keep crying

These relationships are extremely addictive. He has eroded your self-worth over time and that makes it hard to leave - even though you know he is toxic to you. If he is BPD, and is not seeking treatment, the likelihood is that your situation will worsen rather than improve. Have you got any supportive family members you can confide in?

[klacey3]

Im so sick of all this.

As you should be.  The emotional rollercoaster that is being in a relationship with someone with an unstable sense of self and highly refined defense mechanisms that make everything your fault and make you doubt yourself is crazymaking, been there done that, and you're in the middle of it, we know that because you're talking about self-medicating and self-harming to cope.  It doesn't take strength to leave necessarily, it takes the pain of staying to become greater than the pain of leaving and then you will flee.  I wish I could say I did that, I stayed longer than I should have, when it was extremely painful, but I eventually pulled my head out and fled.  There was no guilt because by then I was massively pissed off at her and wanted her to feel as much pain as possible, and once the fog cleared and I learned about the disorder I realized her life is a living hell and I couldn't have fixed it anyway.  And then the task of discovering why I went so far down the rabbit hole to begin with, that's where the healing and the growth are, but you have to get out first.  Anger can be your friend right now, it can give you strength; is that a possibility?

Yes anger can be my friend. Unfortunately for me I have aloy of compassion for mental health so I go through alot of phases of repeatedly hearing in my head that he would do anything to have me and he thought of harming himself thinking about me with someone else. My emotions are everywhere. Im angry at him for blaming me for all arguments and making threats to insult me on social media and accusing me of being a slut when he is telling me how he may meet his ex as she makes him proud etc. Im really pissed off. Unfortunately I go into cycles of self doubt where I believe i caused the problems and shouldnt be so hard on him as he cant help it... .

I am glad I have a counsellor... .this is very confusing... .

I try to end it but he just will never leave me alone and I end up back with him... .

[klacey3]

Hi Klacey3

Sorry you're having to go through this - it must be a really intimidating catch 22 situation for you. This can't go on indefinitely though if there's no sign of improvement on your SO's part. Have you tried looking on the 'staying' board to see if there's any stories on there that resonate with your experience?

Thanks Fanny. I am so angry with him I don't want to stay. I think I deserve better. All I can think of in my head is him comparing me to his ex as being proud of her and to meet her just because I dont want to see him atm. The accusations... .the blame of all arguments being my fault... .the threats to write about me on facebook... .I just feel so unhappy. Surely I deserve better than this right? I hate this because of him telling me I am extremely self centred and overreactive I worry I really am and that he is actually in the right and my head is a mess and I keep crying

These relationships are extremely addictive. He has eroded your self-worth over time and that makes it hard to leave - even though you know he is toxic to you. If he is BPD, and is not seeking treatment, the likelihood is that your situation will worsen rather than improve. Have you got any supportive family members you can confide in?

I have worked in mental health hospitals and have been on bod training courses... .I am 90% certain he is. Also, I saw a psychic that told me he is controlling, childish and his mental state changes alot, and is wired differently emotionally... .hardly something someone can guess, strange coincidence... .

He doesn't think there is anything wrong. I encouraged him to go to the doctor about his confidence affecting our sex life. (He puts off having sex as much as he can because he doesn't think he is good at it). He told me i was selfish and controlling for forcing him to see someone to make him better at sex... .he just wouldnt understand it was about getting over his sexual nerves so that it would be better for us both... .

Do borderlines without treatment get worse with age?

[FannyB]

Do borderlines without treatment get worse with age?

Hi. There's been threads on here asking that very question. They do change their behaviours with age, but that doesn't mean they become easier to live with unfortunately. What if you stay and have kids with him? Would you want him as your children's role model? Many borderlines produce borderline offspring as kid's tend to ape their parents actions.  :'( You sound like a really nice person who probably has too much empathy for someone who doesn't deserve it. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Im so sick of all this.

As you should be.  The emotional rollercoaster that is being in a relationship with someone with an unstable sense of self and highly refined defense mechanisms that make everything your fault and make you doubt yourself is crazymaking, been there done that, and you're in the middle of it, we know that because you're talking about self-medicating and self-harming to cope.  It doesn't take strength to leave necessarily, it takes the pain of staying to become greater than the pain of leaving and then you will flee.  I wish I could say I did that, I stayed longer than I should have, when it was extremely painful, but I eventually pulled my head out and fled.  There was no guilt because by then I was massively pissed off at her and wanted her to feel as much pain as possible, and once the fog cleared and I learned about the disorder I realized her life is a living hell and I couldn't have fixed it anyway.  And then the task of discovering why I went so far down the rabbit hole to begin with, that's where the healing and the growth are, but you have to get out first.  Anger can be your friend right now, it can give you strength; is that a possibility?

Yes anger can be my friend. Unfortunately for me I have aloy of compassion for mental health so I go through alot of phases of repeatedly hearing in my head that he would do anything to have me and he thought of harming himself thinking about me with someone else. My emotions are everywhere. Im angry at him for blaming me for all arguments and making threats to insult me on social media and accusing me of being a slut when he is telling me how he may meet his ex as she makes him proud etc. Im really pissed off. Unfortunately I go into cycles of self doubt where I believe i caused the problems and shouldnt be so hard on him as he cant help it... .

I am glad I have a counsellor... .this is very confusing... .

I try to end it but he just will never leave me alone and I end up back with him... .

Selfishness helps too.  Selfishness gets a bad rap, but really, if we don't take care of ourselves first we have nothing to give, and a needy person will suck us dry if we let them, in the name of 'compassion'.  Think about an airplane: the flight attendant says in the event the oxygen masks drop, put yours on first before you help children and others.  We need to fill ourselves up first.

A good focus shift is to make a list of all of your needs in a relationship, might be strange to look at if we've been focusing on nothing but our ex's needs, and then get very honest as to whether or not our partner is meeting those needs, and if not, if they ever could.  There is no way my ex could or would ever meet my needs at an acceptable level, and I learned I had been meeting them in a backhanded way by playing rescuer, hero, savior, weak and indirect ways of meeting needs for significance, certainty, growth, contribution and love.  So with that focus shift the right thing to do was obvious.

[klacey3]

Do borderlines without treatment get worse with age?

Hi. There's been threads on here asking that very question. They do change their behaviours with age, but that doesn't mean they become easier to live with unfortunately. What if you stay and have kids with him? Would you want him as your children's role model? Many borderlines produce borderline offspring as kid's tend to ape their parents actions.  :'( You sound like a really nice person who probably has too much empathy for someone who doesn't deserve it. 

Thanks Fanny. Some days I do think he would be good. He is very caring towards his cats and always makes sure they are fed and gives them affection and drys them when they are wet. I know this is obviously going to be different with a baby. Sometimes he is good with his emotions. Last week he said "when you do ... .it makes me feel ... ." which suprised me that he was expressing himself in a healthy way. But yes most of the time he just tells me I am controlling or horrible when I encourage him to sort his life out or spend more time with me instead of putting me as last priority. I dont think I could trust him to look after me if I was pregnant, he wouldn't even believe I was pregnant with his child tbh anyway. I guess that says it all... .being 25 I suppose this is important.

[FannyB]

I dont think I could trust him to look after me if I was pregnant, he wouldn't even believe I was pregnant with his child tbh anyway. I guess that says it all... .being 25 I suppose this is important.

If it's not now - it will be. Most women get strong maternal urges at some point.  How would your SO cope if you invariably have to put your child before him for any length of time? Not well, I'd wager.  If you do stay, I would seriously consider formulating an escape plan - and resolve to stick to it. 

[klacey3]

I dont think I could trust him to look after me if I was pregnant, he wouldn't even believe I was pregnant with his child tbh anyway. I guess that says it all... .being 25 I suppose this is important.

If it's not now - it will be. Most women get strong maternal urges at some point.  How would your SO cope if you invariably have to put your child before him for any length of time? Not well, I'd wager.  If you do stay, I would seriously consider formulating an escape plan - and resolve to stick to it. 

Whats the best sort of escape plan? I dont live with him but I know he is going to give me hell

[mgl210]

IME,

I found that I was very reluctant to admit that I was manipulated by such an individual. I wanted to really believe that I had found the love of my life and that she was simply misunderstood and that if I could convince others that she wasn't so bad, then maybe she really wasn't so bad. I put up with my former's recycles and abuse for almost four years. I was very weak to her contacting me to get back together and to try again. I was weak, because I thought that this was my only true chance at having a family and being part of something long lasting like my other peers and friends have already.

It hurts going through all the recycles and re-establishing the relationship again after again. It seems so magical at first, because its like maybe this time it will be different and for awhile it does seem that the issues of the past are allowed to stay exactly there in the past. However, IME, as time and time progresses, I found that those issues that were in the past, were never exactly a thing of the past. They were just buried under rubble awaiting for the right moment to resurface and to pile onto the new drama that my former would conjure up inside of her head.

I still have my days were I find myself thinking. What if? I found out about two weeks that she is now married, but I wonder aloud to myself... .IS this truly the end of the recycles and/or recycle attempts from me. If I have done my research correctly, I know that for the most part, that that would be truly wishful thinking of her over and done with that cycle. I wonder what next is going to happen. I wonder a lot of things .

You will find that breaking point of where you just don't want to fight anymore. This is a good start that you are aware that it is a fight that you are in for. You made the right choice of joining this strong supportive group of individuals who have been through similar experiences as yourself. My humble advisement to you? Be good to yourself. Don't blame yourself and know that it wasn't your doing that leD to the downfall of your relationshio.

MGL

[FannyB]

I dont think I could trust him to look after me if I was pregnant, he wouldn't even believe I was pregnant with his child tbh anyway. I guess that says it all... .being 25 I suppose this is important.

If it's not now - it will be. Most women get strong maternal urges at some point.  How would your SO cope if you invariably have to put your child before him for any length of time? Not well, I'd wager.  If you do stay, I would seriously consider formulating an escape plan - and resolve to stick to it. 

Whats the best sort of escape plan? I dont live with him but I know he is going to give me hell

Oh yeah - it ain't over til he says it's over I'm afraid.   Check out the lessons to the right of this page and they'll tell you all you need to know.