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[Holding On]

I'm trying to find different ways to deal when my bf is mean, hateful, demeaning. I used to leave. I was leaving all the time. A lot of time I ran away. Then it happened later at night and I got tired of running at 3am. So I ignored him. The more I ignored him the more he escalated. I ran or we fought. It seemed to come out of nowhere and wild accusations that seemed to come from nowhere. He looked at me running as a guilty reaction. It was really just not knowing what else to do, knowing defending myself was not the answer not knowing how to validate what he was feeling I wasn't sure if he was hurt or mad or why. If I tried I was wrong and stupid. Can annoying give me some senerios?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

Hey, Holding On.

I think it's healthy to have a boundary of leaving when someone is being mean, hateful or demeaning to us. Can you describe a little more - when you leave, how does that take place? I think I have practiced all sorts of exits ... .from furious-get-me-the-hell-out-of-here to calm-this-is-my-boundary-and-I-am-okay-with-you-not-liking-it to more-reassuring-I-am-leaving-for-my-health-and-I-will-be-back-because-I-care-about-you.

It doesn't always have to be pretty, but it does have to be consistent. For me civil, respectful communication is a core value. I simply don't think demeaning, derogatory, degrading speech ever (and I mean ever) leads to anything productive or that I value in my life. So, I have to be consistent with my uBPDw. And it feels different than running away (at least to me). I feel like I am running towards self-love and self-care. How do you feel you are doing in knowing where your boundaries are? Hope this helps. I may be on the wrong track here.

[an0ught]

Hi Holding On,

I'm trying to find different ways to deal when my bf is mean, hateful, demeaning. I used to leave. I was leaving all the time. A lot of time I ran away. Then it happened later at night and I got tired of running at 3am. So I ignored him. The more I ignored him the more he escalated. I ran or we fought. It seemed to come out of nowhere and wild accusations that seemed to come from nowhere. He looked at me running as a guilty reaction. It was really just not knowing what else to do, knowing defending myself was not the answer not knowing how to validate what he was feeling I wasn't sure if he was hurt or mad or why. If I tried I was wrong and stupid. Can annoying give me some senerios?

don't blame yourself from running away when it gets too much for you. That simply shows that you got a good sense for where your limits are  Knowing where your limits are is a fantastic basis to work on boundaries - having a little bit more structure on when you do what you take a break and how to go exactly about it helps a lot to minimize the fallout. And don't accept blame for the fallout - you just take defensive steps to protect yourself. You can't control his reaction when you leave - if he choose to think you are guilty that is his problem. Leaving means letting go of control to a degree. Letting go of this control is a important factor of breaking the unhealthy feedback loop between the fighting parties.

Now ignoring him is not the best strategy - better to take a break and not be there a all or actively communicate back using validation.

It was really just not knowing what else to do, knowing defending myself was not the answer not knowing how to validate what he was feeling I wasn't sure if he was hurt or mad or why.

You don't have to know the root cause - "why" is a BPD four letter word. It is enough for you to signal that you are aware that he is mad etc... .Of course if you know more precisely how he feels then tell him that too. But simply saying "You are totally mad at me and don't want to talk or anything from me.  <and nothing more>" may be all that is needed.

[Holding On]

Taking all your advice in. Thank you. I do the "I'm getting the hell out of  here and no communicating"

[waverider]

The trick here is being prepared, it has happened before and will happen again. having somewhere to go and something better to do means that you learn to leave earlier before things get quite as heated, resulting in less frustration and resentment.

Just winging it out of frustration in the moment leaves a far more lingering and bitter experience.

Eventually you learn to see it coming and start to disengage more smoothly, even subconsciously, and this can take it off the boil so it doesn't get to the leaving stage as often.

[takingandsending]

Holding On,

I agree with waverider. I have learned to pay less attention to what my wife is saying/doing and more attention to my own physical responses. They seem to be a better canary in the coal mine to warn me when things are turning. If you feel your breathing shift (like holding it), your body getting warm or your throat constricting, ears ringing, etc. these are signs that your body is telling you to get out. So now, at the first signs of these, I start checking in with myself, asking if I feel safe and if I want to continue. If the answer is "no", I then turn to observe my wife, try to validate what she is feeling in the moment and let her know her feelings are important but that I have to leave for 20 minutes to cool down, that I am willing to come back to it at that time. Then, I leave (doesn't matter where), and I come back in 20 minutes. My brain is calmer, her brain may be calmer. Sometimes, you have to repeat the cycle until the flames have died down.

Is this something you think you can try? It also helps to know where your soft spots are. In other words, what values you have about being in a relationship that are being triggered. Those become your boundaries. They are good companions for life with BPD.