Introduction and wondering about seeing BPD everywhere

[Isus]

Hi, I'm new here. My dad has BPD diagnosis. Or well, that is what he says, I have of course not seen his medical file nor has he shown me any confirmation of that diagnosis. And he is one of those people, that when he comes in bit wet and tells that it rains outside, you will look out of the window and verify before you assume that it may indeed rain. But let's just say that he has lot of behaviours that would indicate that he may not be lying about that one.

He has been in and out of my life many times during years and we have had long periods of no contact from both his and my initiative. However currently we are in contact and I feel we have a good relationship. He has mellowed a bit by age and while most of his life he has had co-morbid substance abuse issues (mostly alcohol but also amphetamine etc.) and at times he has been in really bad shape he currently is mostly a moderate user of alcohol and that helps a lot. His occupation has allowed, even encouraged, bohemian lifestyle and despite all of his issues, I guess he is rather high function BPD at least most of the time.

There has been lots of hurt during the years and there are some things I still have hard time forgiving and that I will never forget, but I have decided to take what I can from this relationship with him, enjoy the good and simply keep up my boundaries so, that if/when he ditches or does something outrageous next time, I will not be too hurt. I also want my now young adult kids to learn to know him though I did protect them from him when they were younger. I have warned them that my dad is not to be trusted and explained his issues to them, but I also feel that they have a right to get to know their granddad too and take what they can from that relationship.

There is no current crisis with my dad and I registered more because of the board for those whose kids have BPD. Neither of my kids do have, my other one is very well adjusted, but my other one has other mental health issues. His main issue is PTSD and all that comes with that (though he has some additional diagnosis.)  During his last hospitalisation psychiatrist discussed with him about BPD traits to explain his self harming behaviours and suicidal ideation and his feelings of emptiness. He also does have some similar behaviours than my dad like splitting etc. But those are much milder and mostly occur when he is very stressed and when he calms down, he can be more rational about things and understands also other people's point of views and can accept blame. Psychiatrist also didn't add anything about BPD to his file, because too often in the ERs all kinds of injuries on people with BPD diagnosis are brushed off as looking for attention. My kid is not having that behaviour at all.

However, those are the two people in my life with whom professionals have even mentioned BPD or other personality disorder. However I often feel that I see those same behaviours and traits in others and it bothers me a bit. I fear the "if you have a hammer everything looks like a nail"-effect.

For example my mother: To my knowledge she was never diagnosed with any mental health issue. She was a free soul to a degree. Spent her whole life rebelling her parents and embraced hippy lifestyle. Our lives were constant change. She was married or lived together well over ten men. We moved all the time. I had to be an adult of our little family from very early age. When I was five I already called to my grandparents (her parents) on my own accord to ask money because rent was late and we only had oatmeal left for next morning and no other food. I wasn't even ten when I negotiated a distribution of household items after one breakup with one guy we had been living with, because she wanted to take a high road leave everything to him and I was afraid we wouldn't have even mattresses on the floor in our next home.

As a kid I never got it, but for her it was a game. Her parents were wealthy, my mum herself had a skill set and connections that allowed her to earn money quickly whenever she wanted (she could translate from several language to couple language and had a friend who always had work for her and paid advanced if she asked. Boring work, but something she could easily do and earn rent and food money for us.)  And as long as I was with her, my grandparents were willing to give her money so I would not go without. But as a child I didn't know that and worried myself sick over our finances.

She always made me feel bad that I was not a kid she wanted. She wanted me to be this artistic free soul and while I took my piano lessons and went o my art classes because she (and my dad) wanted so, I'm grievously lacking both talent and drive to those things. I was a jock and excelled in math and things like that.  So I was a disappointment and they let me know that. And when I grew up she was also always disappointed with my choices and my lack of ambition (for things she felt worth ambition.)

She also hated her ethnic and cultural background and tried to keep me away from it. I then again have always embraced it and already as a young kid I loved it when we did things related to that with my grandparents. Also as an adult I have cherished it and also my kids are very 'in' in that lifestyle.

However when I grew up, we had a good relationship for years and she was great in balancing my 'stepford wife tendencies.' She died a decade ago for cancer and I still miss her a lot. Also I have to say that in some areas of life my mum was very high functioning.

And my grandfather: For me he was always good, loving and trustworthy, but there was a reason my mum rebelled. He too had mellowed a lot with age and I was his only and cherished grandchild. However I have understood that he was quite a tyrant for my mum and his expectation for her were sky high when she was a kid. I'm sure my mum had every reason to feel he was abusive. And what I have heard, he was anything but easy person to come along also in other parts of his life. I have heard other people to consider he had some sort of personality disorder. And let's not even start about his dad... .

My mother-in-law: Okay, she hates me and she has some good reasons for that. My husband is her golden boy and I have done some very nasty things to him early in our marriage, though we have gotten over those and have had a good marriage over twenty years now. She has five kids and she definitely keeps favourites. My husband can do no wrong and one of his sisters can do no right. Divide and concur is her motto, though somehow my husband and his siblings actually come along just fine and are quite close and very helpful to each other. And her grandkids are also definitely separated to sheep and the goats. For example my other kid is as golden as his dad and my other kid can be almost as bad as his mum, evil witch from the east. My husband tends to defend me to his mum and because she knows she can't say certain things about me, she turns it on to our son and disguises it to grandmotherly concern.

She also always creates some grand drama for every Holiday or event and somehow everything (from her child's wedding to grandkid graduating or her husband's mother's funeral and every darn Christmas, Mother's Day and so on) turns to be about her. Her kids and husband are so used to her drama that they don't concern themse4lves much about it. In fact I think we were all more rattled when this last Mother's Day she didn't come up with any drama at all.

There are also other people in my life with whom I see those same tendencies, just not so close to me, but people like former work mate, someone I have a same hobby with and so on.

It doers concern me, if I'm the one splitting and being black and white about things instead of these people I see these PD tendencies. Have any of you ever wondered if it is actually you, who has a twisted perception and not those other people?

[deux soeurs]

Hi Isus and welcome.  Thank you for sharing your story with us.  You seem to have had and still have some challenges.  You also seem to handle having several PD's in your family quite well.  I am newer here too but I would like to comment on your last sentence.  If you read through some older posts regarding relationships:  staying, undecided or leaving you should be able to find discussions of that topic.  I am sorry I can not be more specific.  I will mention from my own experience, people with BPD have had me question if I am the one with a PD at times.  Once I learned more about BPD I realized it's projection at its finest and the BPD in my life is very adept at projecting, gas lighting etc.  I think at times we all question ourselves. 

[Isus]

Thank You!

I have to check relationship forums. I haven't yet, because my hubby is one of those quite well balanced people, with whom idea of personality disorder has never even crossed my mind. Certainly not too perfect, but rather laid back and wholesome human being most of the time.

I don't think that anyone would ever had suggested that I had a personality disorder or even that I would be 'crazy.' In fact for example my parents mostly admonished me for being so very mundane and mediocre. To be honest I kind of think my dad is proud of his BPD diagnosis and sees it something that again sets him apart and proves how extraordinary he is.

What I'm really wondering is, if I too easily categorize behaviours as disordered (or even PD traits) when they actually could be rather normal maladaptive behavioural patterns, that many people have. And I'm sure most have some maladaptive patterns.