he wants help

[Depression = 72% of members]

Wow, what a week.  We have gone from hell to heaven.  He has admitted that I am right, read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and has highlighted and underlined so much. He has agreed to go to a Christian retreat by himself, is scheduling appts for therapy and testing for MMPI.  I am being cautious and leery.  He's moved into the garage and set up an apartment. He has been talking to his mom and sister about the family dynamics and really seeing what I have been put through for 15 years. 

I may be the only person on this board with a spouse WILLING to do whatever it takes to make it better.  HOWEVER... .The attorney still has the divorce papers being drawn up with the custody plan.  I am not accepting his "change" as fact because I have seen this all before: get all Christian (we are Christians and are strong in the Lord)in that he has been over the top with it this week with KLOV and quoting scripture; apologizing repeatedly, making me breakfast in bed, cleaning house, doing laundry, etc... .  I want to believe that he is seeing himself in a new light but I am being very cautious and not cutting him any slack. 

I really wanted  him to move out so I could heal too but I think that I am willing to try the garage arrangement for the kids sake and mine too.  I am a very forgetful person but not very forgiving or accepting.

I would like to know what yall think of this... .I see the man I married one minute and the next I am so skeptical that I am am tears and angry.  When do I give more of myself and cut him some slack?

[debyt]

Wow, what a week.  We have gone from hell to heaven.  He has admitted that I am right, read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and has highlighted and underlined so much. He has agreed to go to a Christian retreat by himself, is scheduling appts for therapy and testing for MMPI.  I am being cautious and leery.  He's moved into the garage and set up an apartment. He has been talking to his mom and sister about the family dynamics and really seeing what I have been put through for 15 years. 

I may be the only person on this board with a spouse WILLING to do whatever it takes to make it better.  HOWEVER... .The attorney still has the divorce papers being drawn up with the custody plan.  I am not accepting his "change" as fact because I have seen this all before: get all Christian (we are Christians and are strong in the Lord)in that he has been over the top with it this week with KLOV and quoting scripture; apologizing repeatedly, making me breakfast in bed, cleaning house, doing laundry, etc... .  I want to believe that he is seeing himself in a new light but I am being very cautious and not cutting him any slack. 

I really wanted  him to move out so I could heal too but I think that I am willing to try the garage arrangement for the kids sake and mine too.  I am a very forgetful person but not very forgiving or accepting.

I would like to know what yall think of this... .I see the man I married one minute and the next I am so skeptical that I am am tears and angry.  When do I give more of myself and cut him some slack?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

Hey, debyt.

First of all, I want to say how happy I am that you are seeing some willingness and movement to address the illness. That is good stuff, no matter what. Backslides will be inevitable. This happens for any mental illness. Recovery rarely looks like the perfect, idealized person we first knew.

So,

When do I give more of myself and cut him some slack?

This is a question of your boundaries. Have you read the Lessons on boundaries here? They are really helpful in sorting out some of this question. It is a matter of emotional safety and self-care for you. Knowing what you need to honor and protect within yourself helps both him and you know where slack can be given and where it can't. As far as giving more of yourself, when you know you have your own back and are taking care of your needs, it's easier to extend loving kindness and understanding. How do you feel like you are doing in that respect?

[an0ught]

Hi debyt,

as takingandsending said - this boils all down to your boundaries and ultimately values.

Most of the relationships that turn around hit at one time rock-bottom and there is a change. Still we are also dealing with a condition that has big irrational and impulsive aspects that will make any course bumpy. Slack would be needed but limits are important too. Drawing a line with hard consequences is not trivial for anyone and as the consequences for us are hard the boundaries need to be anchored in our values.

I may be the only person on this board with a spouse WILLING to do whatever it takes to make it better.  HOWEVER... .The attorney still has the divorce papers being drawn up with the custody plan.  I am not accepting his "change" as fact because I have seen this all before: get all Christian (we are Christians and are strong in the Lord)in that he has been over the top with it this week with KLOV and quoting scripture; apologizing repeatedly, making me breakfast in bed, cleaning house, doing laundry, etc... .  I want to believe that he is seeing himself in a new light but I am being very cautious and not cutting him any slack. 

You realize that instead of black it is now white. But that is still part of b&w. The real challenge will be learning Grey.

[debyt]

Grey... .wow.  There is so much grey that I am terribly confused.  I guess as far as limits and boundaries go, I will have to actually put them on paper because what I thought was common decency and knowledge actually aren't for BPD.  My purse, my diary entries (locked in my briefcase), and my cell phone have been compromised.  Special surprises for his "growth" at a Christian conference/immersion are now ruined because he read my texts from the sponsors of the conference; my trip to the attorney (that I asked the attorney to type up and keep on hold until Aug when the A returns from out of the country) have been found out. (He thought I was just drawing up separation papers but I have been told to draw up divorce papers because I would have to draw up D papers eventually anyhow and have to pay x2 if I chose to do that.)  Can anyone say TRUST - Disrespect- WOW?  He just can't help it? or doesn't he want to? 

I believe everyone with DSM A or B class are possessed by the devil and I want to punch that demon right in the face.  Nobody wins but the devil.  I am losing my former best friend in all of this and my kids loose their relationship with their dad.  Sometimes I wonder just why I wanted to be married... .

He actually asked when I was going to put my wedding rings back on. I am wearing a ring I bought on Valentines Day 6  yrs ago with his birthstone instead.  I am too hurt to wear my wedding rings.  I go from hurt to angry to depressed to frustrated... .he has projected this disorder right onto me... .I AM NOT CRAZY!  Just hacked off!

I want to be strong and try to give him a chance to actually work on this disorder.  I keep getting told I need to forgive.  I AM TIRED OF FORGIVING!  I have been doing that for 15 years.  Forgive and forget to stay sane.  When do you stop?  70x7 Jesus says but when do you just stop?  How long do you give recovery to take root?  I need a tap root to grow fast... .

My idea of gardening is this: I plant it, God waters it and it grows=God said "yes".  If it doesn't grow = God said "no". Guess I just need to give it time to see what God says.  Maybe not everyone is as strong in the Lord as I am but I believe God is in control and I have to let Him lead and I will know in time.  Looks like I just answered my own question... .Wait on God.

Sorry, I know that is supposed to be board to post questions... .not a diary entry.  Thank you in advance to my prayer warriors! 

[takingandsending]

debyt,

Wow, indeed! That's a lot to deal with. I think you are so understandably right in being angry at this violation of your privacy. I would be, too.

Eventually, whether you stay or leave the marriage, will you be involved in some level of parenting together? If so, reading through the Lessons on the right of this page, and understanding a little of what you can do to keep yourself safe can help whatever the level of interaction that you have.