The void & why is it so much bigger after the relationship?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi

I'm a year out now but only seriously NC for a couple of months. They've been helpful months and the pain of the breakup and longing to reunite has passed. I have a slightly different aspect as my ex was diagnosed also with a psychotic illness and ended up in a mental hospital a few times, in one way I have it easier than some members as there is no doubt my exW is ill but on the other, I have more guilt.

One thing I felt more and more as I got older, but especially ten times more upon leaving my wife was a real sense of emptiness, of waiting around for something to fill a void. I really don't feel like a whole complete person, I am working on this, developing more interests and getting out with friends but it has not healed over. when I'm tired, as now, or lonely, as now, I feel this void as a huge hole in my soul. I feel like I'm missing a part. And when I feel like this it makes me miss my ex wife, as terrible as it was, this feeling was not there. Even though I could not go back in time to even plug that gap with my wife, how was she so adept at filling it (without being nice or trying) and why do I feel like no one will. I feel like a junkie trying to give something up.

Running around trying to make a person who is never happy with what you do happy... .Is tedious! I know this intellectually. I know it must relate to some childhood core wound. But knowing it doesn't resolve it.

How do we to from knowing our childhood issues and unhealthy addictions to actually conquering them? Please don't tell me willpower?

[Trog]

Hi

I'm a year out now but only seriously NC for a couple of months. They've been helpful months and the pain of the breakup and longing to reunite has passed. I have a slightly different aspect as my ex was diagnosed also with a psychotic illness and ended up in a mental hospital a few times, in one way I have it easier than some members as there is no doubt my exW is ill but on the other, I have more guilt.

One thing I felt more and more as I got older, but especially ten times more upon leaving my wife was a real sense of emptiness, of waiting around for something to fill a void. I really don't feel like a whole complete person, I am working on this, developing more interests and getting out with friends but it has not healed over. when I'm tired, as now, or lonely, as now, I feel this void as a huge hole in my soul. I feel like I'm missing a part. And when I feel like this it makes me miss my ex wife, as terrible as it was, this feeling was not there. Even though I could not go back in time to even plug that gap with my wife, how was she so adept at filling it (without being nice or trying) and why do I feel like no one will. I feel like a junkie trying to give something up.

Running around trying to make a person who is never happy with what you do happy... .Is tedious! I know this intellectually. I know it must relate to some childhood core wound. But knowing it doesn't resolve it.

How do we to from knowing our childhood issues and unhealthy addictions to actually conquering them? Please don't tell me willpower?

[goateeki]

Hi

I'm a year out now but only seriously NC for a couple of months. They've been helpful months and the pain of the breakup and longing to reunite has passed. I have a slightly different aspect as my ex was diagnosed also with a psychotic illness and ended up in a mental hospital a few times, in one way I have it easier than some members as there is no doubt my exW is ill but on the other, I have more guilt.

One thing I felt more and more as I got older, but especially ten times more upon leaving my wife was a real sense of emptiness, of waiting around for something to fill a void. I really don't feel like a whole complete person, I am working on this, developing more interests and getting out with friends but it has not healed over. when I'm tired, as now, or lonely, as now, I feel this void as a huge hole in my soul. I feel like I'm missing a part. And when I feel like this it makes me miss my ex wife, as terrible as it was, this feeling was not there. Even though I could not go back in time to even plug that gap with my wife, how was she so adept at filling it (without being nice or trying) and why do I feel like no one will. I feel like a junkie trying to give something up.

Running around trying to make a person who is never happy with what you do happy... .Is tedious! I know this intellectually. I know it must relate to some childhood core wound. But knowing it doesn't resolve it.

How do we to from knowing our childhood issues and unhealthy addictions to actually conquering them? Please don't tell me willpower?

Maybe not willpower.  But point of view, yes. 

This is not a perfect illustration, but there is scene in a book by Philip K. Dick in which Dick's character is in an inpatient mental health facility after a failed suicide attempt.  He is compelled to see a mental health counselor frequently (maybe daily).  His counselor is a former Israeli special forces guy named Maurice.  At one point, Maurice says to Philip K. Dick's character (the book is semi-autobiographical), "I would like to hold your head underwater so you'd have to fight to live."  That has always stuck with me.  There is so much good in this world, so many exciting and amazing things, and some times we forget it.  We can develop a wrong perspective, a perspective that limits our experience and therefore limits our potential for happiness.  Also, as my dad once said, despite what we think, interpersonal relationships are easy to replace; as he put it, "the easiest thing in the world to replace."  There are billions of people in the world, and half of them are women. 

I'm more than a year out of a 19 year marriage to a woman who was legitimately diagnosed.  If I'm mad at anyone, I'm mad at myself for permitting her to absorb so much of my energy for so long.  My issue is different from yours -- I'm pissed at myself for taking care of a waifish hermit for so long, instead of climbing the mountains I'd planed to climb and seeing Africa.  These are now two things I am doing.  So, as I say, my issue is different, but I'd much rather have mine than yours.  As my T would say, the causes don't matter, the diagnoses don't matter, the only thing that matters is our behavior.  So maybe change your behavior?  Do you exercise? Do you travel?  Fill your life with the hard and rewarding activities you enjoy.  That's my suggestion... .

[Trog]

Hi

I'm a year out now but only seriously NC for a couple of months. They've been helpful months and the pain of the breakup and longing to reunite has passed. I have a slightly different aspect as my ex was diagnosed also with a psychotic illness and ended up in a mental hospital a few times, in one way I have it easier than some members as there is no doubt my exW is ill but on the other, I have more guilt.

One thing I felt more and more as I got older, but especially ten times more upon leaving my wife was a real sense of emptiness, of waiting around for something to fill a void. I really don't feel like a whole complete person, I am working on this, developing more interests and getting out with friends but it has not healed over. when I'm tired, as now, or lonely, as now, I feel this void as a huge hole in my soul. I feel like I'm missing a part. And when I feel like this it makes me miss my ex wife, as terrible as it was, this feeling was not there. Even though I could not go back in time to even plug that gap with my wife, how was she so adept at filling it (without being nice or trying) and why do I feel like no one will. I feel like a junkie trying to give something up.

Running around trying to make a person who is never happy with what you do happy... .Is tedious! I know this intellectually. I know it must relate to some childhood core wound. But knowing it doesn't resolve it.

How do we to from knowing our childhood issues and unhealthy addictions to actually conquering them? Please don't tell me willpower?

Maybe not willpower.  But point of view, yes. 

This is not a perfect illustration, but there is scene in a book by Philip K. Dick in which Dick's character is in an inpatient mental health facility after a failed suicide attempt.  He is compelled to see a mental health counselor frequently (maybe daily).  His counselor is a former Israeli special forces guy named Maurice.  At one point, Maurice says to Philip K. Dick's character (the book is semi-autobiographical), "I would like to hold your head underwater so you'd have to fight to live."  That has always stuck with me.  There is so much good in this world, so many exciting and amazing things, and some times we forget it.  We can develop a wrong perspective, a perspective that limits our experience and therefore limits our potential for happiness.  Also, as my dad once said, despite what we think, interpersonal relationships are easy to replace; as he put it, "the easiest thing in the world to replace."  There are billions of people in the world, and half of them are women. 

I'm more than a year out of a 19 year marriage to a woman who was legitimately diagnosed.  If I'm mad at anyone, I'm mad at myself for permitting her to absorb so much of my energy for so long.  My issue is different from yours -- I'm pissed at myself for taking care of a waifish hermit for so long, instead of climbing the mountains I'd planed to climb and seeing Africa.  These are now two things I am doing.  So, as I say, my issue is different, but I'd much rather have mine than yours.  As my T would say, the causes don't matter, the diagnoses don't matter, the only thing that matters is our behavior.  So maybe change your behavior?  Do you exercise? Do you travel?  Fill your life with the hard and rewarding activities you enjoy.  That's my suggestion... .

Yes, I was impeded, or impeded myself is the truth, from doing lots of things. However, I have started sailing and am completing some important projects but I still feel that missing aching feeling. I can't really describe this feeling very well but I guess it's an incompleteness, I look at everyone around and even if I have a better job, more money, and am doing some cool things, there's a part of me that feel inferior to everyone else, incomplete and that I'm hiding or missing something. It's always been there to some degree and showed up as social awkwardness around women, but after the split it ripped open really wide and I self isolated to an extreme. I know it's not healthy to need another person to complete or make you a whole person, I'm doing activities, but I feel it can't be enough.

I didn't have this feeling as a kid, or in uni, maybe in my twenties a little bit, and with a vengeance after the split.

[Trog]

Maybe I have a long lost twin?  (sorry, I am genuinely looking for answers but sometimes you gotta see the funny side)

[disillusionedandsore]

Ha ha... .Maybe you are hungry!  Go eat something 

[disillusionedandsore]

No seriously ... .We are wired to attach... .?  Not meant to be alone... .?  Things are better shared? We need someone or something to love?

[jhkbuzz]

Hi

I'm a year out now but only seriously NC for a couple of months. They've been helpful months and the pain of the breakup and longing to reunite has passed. I have a slightly different aspect as my ex was diagnosed also with a psychotic illness and ended up in a mental hospital a few times, in one way I have it easier than some members as there is no doubt my exW is ill but on the other, I have more guilt.

One thing I felt more and more as I got older, but especially ten times more upon leaving my wife was a real sense of emptiness, of waiting around for something to fill a void. I really don't feel like a whole complete person, I am working on this, developing more interests and getting out with friends but it has not healed over. when I'm tired, as now, or lonely, as now, I feel this void as a huge hole in my soul. I feel like I'm missing a part. And when I feel like this it makes me miss my ex wife, as terrible as it was, this feeling was not there. Even though I could not go back in time to even plug that gap with my wife, how was she so adept at filling it (without being nice or trying) and why do I feel like no one will. I feel like a junkie trying to give something up.

Running around trying to make a person who is never happy with what you do happy... .Is tedious! I know this intellectually. I know it must relate to some childhood core wound. But knowing it doesn't resolve it.

How do we to from knowing our childhood issues and unhealthy addictions to actually conquering them? Please don't tell me willpower?

If it helps, I felt the very same way after a few months n/c.  At 10 months n/c, I don't feel like this any more.  After the b/u I spent time building up my life with new interests and new friends (hard though it was to do at first), and it has paid off quite well.

I also see a T and am working through some stuff, which also helps tremendously.

[goateeki]

Hi

I'm a year out now but only seriously NC for a couple of months. They've been helpful months and the pain of the breakup and longing to reunite has passed. I have a slightly different aspect as my ex was diagnosed also with a psychotic illness and ended up in a mental hospital a few times, in one way I have it easier than some members as there is no doubt my exW is ill but on the other, I have more guilt.

One thing I felt more and more as I got older, but especially ten times more upon leaving my wife was a real sense of emptiness, of waiting around for something to fill a void. I really don't feel like a whole complete person, I am working on this, developing more interests and getting out with friends but it has not healed over. when I'm tired, as now, or lonely, as now, I feel this void as a huge hole in my soul. I feel like I'm missing a part. And when I feel like this it makes me miss my ex wife, as terrible as it was, this feeling was not there. Even though I could not go back in time to even plug that gap with my wife, how was she so adept at filling it (without being nice or trying) and why do I feel like no one will. I feel like a junkie trying to give something up.

Running around trying to make a person who is never happy with what you do happy... .Is tedious! I know this intellectually. I know it must relate to some childhood core wound. But knowing it doesn't resolve it.

How do we to from knowing our childhood issues and unhealthy addictions to actually conquering them? Please don't tell me willpower?

Maybe not willpower.  But point of view, yes. 

This is not a perfect illustration, but there is scene in a book by Philip K. Dick in which Dick's character is in an inpatient mental health facility after a failed suicide attempt.  He is compelled to see a mental health counselor frequently (maybe daily).  His counselor is a former Israeli special forces guy named Maurice.  At one point, Maurice says to Philip K. Dick's character (the book is semi-autobiographical), "I would like to hold your head underwater so you'd have to fight to live."  That has always stuck with me.  There is so much good in this world, so many exciting and amazing things, and some times we forget it.  We can develop a wrong perspective, a perspective that limits our experience and therefore limits our potential for happiness.  Also, as my dad once said, despite what we think, interpersonal relationships are easy to replace; as he put it, "the easiest thing in the world to replace."  There are billions of people in the world, and half of them are women. 

I'm more than a year out of a 19 year marriage to a woman who was legitimately diagnosed.  If I'm mad at anyone, I'm mad at myself for permitting her to absorb so much of my energy for so long.  My issue is different from yours -- I'm pissed at myself for taking care of a waifish hermit for so long, instead of climbing the mountains I'd planed to climb and seeing Africa.  These are now two things I am doing.  So, as I say, my issue is different, but I'd much rather have mine than yours.  As my T would say, the causes don't matter, the diagnoses don't matter, the only thing that matters is our behavior.  So maybe change your behavior?  Do you exercise? Do you travel?  Fill your life with the hard and rewarding activities you enjoy.  That's my suggestion... .

Yes, I was impeded, or impeded myself is the truth, from doing lots of things. However, I have started sailing and am completing some important projects but I still feel that missing aching feeling. I can't really describe this feeling very well but I guess it's an incompleteness, I look at everyone around and even if I have a better job, more money, and am doing some cool things, there's a part of me that feel inferior to everyone else, incomplete and that I'm hiding or missing something. It's always been there to some degree and showed up as social awkwardness around women, but after the split it ripped open really wide and I self isolated to an extreme. I know it's not healthy to need another person to complete or make you a whole person, I'm doing activities, but I feel it can't be enough.

I didn't have this feeling as a kid, or in uni, maybe in my twenties a little bit, and with a vengeance after the split.

Trog, the idea of wanting or needing someone to feel complete and happy, this is something I debate with close friends from time to time.  I believe that we are evolved for togetherness, and I don't know if we should endeavor to be alone, completely independent, islands, etc.  Human personality might not be able to tolerate something like that well.  So I hope that what I wrote to you yesterday wasn't interpreted as exhorting you to be alone and yet totally happy.  I think that what I was getting at is that I really do believe that there is so much in this world to be involved with, learn about, and plan for.  Part of that is things we do for ourselves and part of that is what we get from our primary relationship, I think.   

I would not be as happy as I am now without my current relationship.  I don't know if you've dated or been involved with anyone new, but there is one thing that I learned -- and this might be the most important thing that I've learned -- after I ended a 19 year marriage and dove headfirst back into life:  There are huge differences in the emotional and life capabilities of people.  I've been with my girlfriend for nine months now (early days, I know) but I find myself a bit stunned sometimes by how happy and resilient she is.  And I feel valued because I know that she knows when things sometimes distress her (which is rare), I'm there with a hug and I listen and we get up and over tough things together, and move happily forward.  She makes me a better, more calm, more confident person. 

My T suggested that I read a book back when I first began this, knowing in my heart I'd have to end the marriage. The book is called A General Theory of Love, and it makes the case, persuasively, that people are meant to live in pairs and that the person with whom we choose to attach -- the stability and capability of that person -- makes a quantum difference in our happiness and who we become.  I believe this to be true. 

The emptiness that you say you sometimes feel -- I get that.  I think that we all do sometimes.  But now that my life is built atop a healthy foundation, I don't experience that much anymore.  I'm not taking care of someone, pouring energy into someone, etc.  I have a reciprocal relationship with a strong and happy woman, and it makes all the difference.  Really, I did not know that life could be like this. 

If this all sounds a little presumptuous, I'm sorry.  I don't know the details of your situation and necessarily read between the lines.  Know that you're supported and there is a solution to what you feel, and you'll find it.   

[Trog]

Hi

I'm a year out now but only seriously NC for a couple of months. They've been helpful months and the pain of the breakup and longing to reunite has passed. I have a slightly different aspect as my ex was diagnosed also with a psychotic illness and ended up in a mental hospital a few times, in one way I have it easier than some members as there is no doubt my exW is ill but on the other, I have more guilt.

One thing I felt more and more as I got older, but especially ten times more upon leaving my wife was a real sense of emptiness, of waiting around for something to fill a void. I really don't feel like a whole complete person, I am working on this, developing more interests and getting out with friends but it has not healed over. when I'm tired, as now, or lonely, as now, I feel this void as a huge hole in my soul. I feel like I'm missing a part. And when I feel like this it makes me miss my ex wife, as terrible as it was, this feeling was not there. Even though I could not go back in time to even plug that gap with my wife, how was she so adept at filling it (without being nice or trying) and why do I feel like no one will. I feel like a junkie trying to give something up.

Running around trying to make a person who is never happy with what you do happy... .Is tedious! I know this intellectually. I know it must relate to some childhood core wound. But knowing it doesn't resolve it.

How do we to from knowing our childhood issues and unhealthy addictions to actually conquering them? Please don't tell me willpower?

Maybe not willpower.  But point of view, yes. 

This is not a perfect illustration, but there is scene in a book by Philip K. Dick in which Dick's character is in an inpatient mental health facility after a failed suicide attempt.  He is compelled to see a mental health counselor frequently (maybe daily).  His counselor is a former Israeli special forces guy named Maurice.  At one point, Maurice says to Philip K. Dick's character (the book is semi-autobiographical), "I would like to hold your head underwater so you'd have to fight to live."  That has always stuck with me.  There is so much good in this world, so many exciting and amazing things, and some times we forget it.  We can develop a wrong perspective, a perspective that limits our experience and therefore limits our potential for happiness.  Also, as my dad once said, despite what we think, interpersonal relationships are easy to replace; as he put it, "the easiest thing in the world to replace."  There are billions of people in the world, and half of them are women. 

I'm more than a year out of a 19 year marriage to a woman who was legitimately diagnosed.  If I'm mad at anyone, I'm mad at myself for permitting her to absorb so much of my energy for so long.  My issue is different from yours -- I'm pissed at myself for taking care of a waifish hermit for so long, instead of climbing the mountains I'd planed to climb and seeing Africa.  These are now two things I am doing.  So, as I say, my issue is different, but I'd much rather have mine than yours.  As my T would say, the causes don't matter, the diagnoses don't matter, the only thing that matters is our behavior.  So maybe change your behavior?  Do you exercise? Do you travel?  Fill your life with the hard and rewarding activities you enjoy.  That's my suggestion... .

Yes, I was impeded, or impeded myself is the truth, from doing lots of things. However, I have started sailing and am completing some important projects but I still feel that missing aching feeling. I can't really describe this feeling very well but I guess it's an incompleteness, I look at everyone around and even if I have a better job, more money, and am doing some cool things, there's a part of me that feel inferior to everyone else, incomplete and that I'm hiding or missing something. It's always been there to some degree and showed up as social awkwardness around women, but after the split it ripped open really wide and I self isolated to an extreme. I know it's not healthy to need another person to complete or make you a whole person, I'm doing activities, but I feel it can't be enough.

I didn't have this feeling as a kid, or in uni, maybe in my twenties a little bit, and with a vengeance after the split.

Trog, the idea of wanting or needing someone to feel complete and happy, this is something I debate with close friends from time to time.  I believe that we are evolved for togetherness, and I don't know if we should endeavor to be alone, completely independent, islands, etc.  Human personality might not be able to tolerate something like that well.  So I hope that what I wrote to you yesterday wasn't interpreted as exhorting you to be alone and yet totally happy.  I think that what I was getting at is that I really do believe that there is so much in this world to be involved with, learn about, and plan for.  Part of that is things we do for ourselves and part of that is what we get from our primary relationship, I think.   

I would not be as happy as I am now without my current relationship.  I don't know if you've dated or been involved with anyone new, but there is one thing that I learned -- and this might be the most important thing that I've learned -- after I ended a 19 year marriage and dove headfirst back into life:  There are huge differences in the emotional and life capabilities of people.  I've been with my girlfriend for nine months now (early days, I know) but I find myself a bit stunned sometimes by how happy and resilient she is.  And I feel valued because I know that she knows when things sometimes distress her (which is rare), I'm there with a hug and I listen and we get up and over tough things together, and move happily forward.  She makes me a better, more calm, more confident person. 

My T suggested that I read a book back when I first began this, knowing in my heart I'd have to end the marriage. The book is called A General Theory of Love, and it makes the case, persuasively, that people are meant to live in pairs and that the person with whom we choose to attach -- the stability and capability of that person -- makes a quantum difference in our happiness and who we become.  I believe this to be true. 

The emptiness that you say you sometimes feel -- I get that.  I think that we all do sometimes.  But now that my life is built atop a healthy foundation, I don't experience that much anymore.  I'm not taking care of someone, pouring energy into someone, etc.  I have a reciprocal relationship with a strong and happy woman, and it makes all the difference.  Really, I did not know that life could be like this. 

If this all sounds a little presumptuous, I'm sorry.  I don't know the details of your situation and necessarily read between the lines.  Know that you're supported and there is a solution to what you feel, and you'll find it.   

Hey,

Thanks for this. I don't want to live and I didn't think you were advocating living totally alone. But thanks for clarifying.

I have been on dates but not met anyone i connect with enough to take it any further or get physical.

I find it hard to understand how quickly BPD exes just hop onto the next, I was left pretty broken after this encounter with a terrible low self esteem. I know I am responsible for this, I gave my power away, also because of already low self esteem.

But I can't just jump onto the next, I know if I did try, for me right now, it would be very unfair on her as I am still hurt by what happened. However there comes a point where you need to stop allowing yourself and sense of self worth to be defined by someone mentally ill. You wouldn't give them a child to look after (i wouldn't at least give my ex that) so why do I make her the keeper of my self worth. That's a disaster. I guess this all just takes time, im up on the theory, but in practise, I haven't healed quite yet. Im impatient to heal.