Left home years ago and cut all contact with "mom", but still affected

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi

I found this site years ago, but I haven't really used it. I cut all ties 11 years ago and I emigrated. I'm in a good marriage and I have 2 children. I have lost contact with my dependent "dad" and my brother (the only one I really miss) who displays BPD traits now, and he has 3 other omentall illnesses as he still lives at home with her at age 34. He is On drugs and has evaporated.                                                                 At times I still feel affected by the emotional abuse / trauma. The last thing she said to me was " You are fat and ugly and never should have been born" and this was because I offered to pay for her treatment.  I have been for counselling a few times and I have made a great deal of progress, but I want to do more for me.                                     I have made a personal inventory of my concerns about me (if that makes any sense):

1)I am definitely controlling

2)I don't handle stress or frightening situations well

3)I can feel myself assuming responsibility for the awful behaviour of others sometimes

4)Sometimes I feel judged by others

5)I'm judgmental of others when I spot something that I feel is a weakness in me I guess

6)I rethink past interactions

7)I feel lonely. I feel like I have one or two friends, but mostly caseloads of those to save?

And I make lists! The main thing that bothers me is effective communications, social interaction and making real friends. I don't know where to start. I would like to work on this.


Help!

[lovelife1]

Hi

I found this site years ago, but I haven't really used it. I cut all ties 11 years ago and I emigrated. I'm in a good marriage and I have 2 children. I have lost contact with my dependent "dad" and my brother (the only one I really miss) who displays BPD traits now, and he has 3 other omentall illnesses as he still lives at home with her at age 34. He is On drugs and has evaporated.                                                                 At times I still feel affected by the emotional abuse / trauma. The last thing she said to me was " You are fat and ugly and never should have been born" and this was because I offered to pay for her treatment.  I have been for counselling a few times and I have made a great deal of progress, but I want to do more for me.                                     I have made a personal inventory of my concerns about me (if that makes any sense):

1)I am definitely controlling

2)I don't handle stress or frightening situations well

3)I can feel myself assuming responsibility for the awful behaviour of others sometimes

4)Sometimes I feel judged by others

5)I'm judgmental of others when I spot something that I feel is a weakness in me I guess

6)I rethink past interactions

7)I feel lonely. I feel like I have one or two friends, but mostly caseloads of those to save?

And I make lists! The main thing that bothers me is effective communications, social interaction and making real friends. I don't know where to start. I would like to work on this.


Help!

[Panda39]

Hi lovelife1,

I'm sorry that things have been so difficult with your family having a pwBPD in our lives is never easy.  I also want to acknowledge how difficult going no contact is but also what a good thing that is to give yourself.

So here you are taking another step towards being a more emotionally healthy and more authentic you 

1)I am definitely controlling

2)I don't handle stress or frightening situations well

3)I can feel myself assuming responsibility for the awful behaviour of others sometimes

4)Sometimes I feel judged by others

5)I'm judgmental of others when I spot something that I feel is a weakness in me I guess

6)I rethink past interactions

7)I feel lonely. I feel like I have one or two friends, but mostly caseloads of those to save?

And I make lists! The main thing that bothers me is effective communications, social interaction and making real friends. I don't know where to start. I would like to work on this.

There is nothing wrong with lists.  I'm a list girl too... .organization freaks unite!    It's a nice way to create order out of chaos.

You have a very insightful list which tells me you are on the right path to a happier healthier you.  The first step to addressing the issues that keep us stuck is an awareness of them.  Are you seeing a therapist at all? That could be a good place to start for support, discussion and coaching you through the things you want to work on.

My other suggestion is to take on one or two things at a time and as you resolve something add another item.  Don't self sabotage by becoming overwhelmed by taking on all seven items on your list at one time.   

I have experienced your list myself.  Solving your list will take time and patience. These beliefs and issues have taken years to be ingrained in us and will take time to untangle... .It is a journey.

You've already begun the journey... .

You've gone no contact and have formed that protective bubble around yourself to breathe, to heal, and to create a different life for yourself.

You've come here seeking help and support.

You've looked inside and have identified some things you want to focus on.

Now what?... .

For me once I identify something I want to know why.  Why do I think I do that?  Why do I think I react that way?  Why do I allow that to happen to me?  Why do I avoid that?  Why am I afraid of that?  Where do all of behaviors come from?

Writing often helps me process the "whys".  Somehow the act of really thinking things through and then putting it to paper or posting here helps me see things more as an outside observer... .clearer, I will often write things down and have ah ha moments.  Sometimes it's like I have to write it down to really hear myself... .listen to that inner voice.

Once I understand why it seems to make different approaches to things become more clear to me.

Once I see the other options I can choose a healthier way to approach things.

Another key for me has been to start loving myself and believing I am a worthwhile person, that I'm a good person, I'm a smart person, I'm a caring person... .stop listening to that inner critic don't buy the B.S.

Fear... .Fear has been at the core of so many of my bad choices.  Overcoming fear is a challenge but with overcoming fear comes positive self esteem.  Give yourself challenges and take them on.  It doesn't have to be anything big and overwhelming just something small.  I had issues about being social so I started by asking a couple of my work friends to lunch (people and place I was comfortable with), then I want out after work with a group (people I knew but to a new place), then I went out with friends from work and spouses (new people/place I knew), then I went to a party (people I knew and people I didn't know/place I knew) and finally I went to a party with a friend (I knew 1 person and was at a place I had never been).  Each step was a baby step and with each step I gained the self esteem to take the next step.

I also had a little mantra that I repeated to myself... ."Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink

I hope I've given you some ideas on where to start.  You might also want to checkout some of the links in the box to the right ---------->

Be sure to keep posting as you go along you can get lots of feeback, encouragement and ideas from the members here as you move forward.

Wishing you well,

Panda39

[Kwamina]

Hi lovelife1

Long time no see! Welcome back  Great to hear that you've made so much progress!

Panda39 has already given you some excellent advice I too suggest you take a look at the resources to the right of this message board. There you'll find the survivors' guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse. This guide takes you from survivor to thriver through three major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing. Each stage consists of 7 steps. When you look at the survivors' guide, where do you feel you are at this moment? It's important to note that the steps listed aren't necessarily a linear process, often we'll find ourselves working on several steps at the same time or going back to do some more work on previous steps.