How many people share this same fear?

[motherof1yearold]

That your ex will treat his  new partner better, and not abuse them.

I often have this fear. I'm 3 years out... .Some of his statements still replay in my head... .such as 'I treat you like ___ because you are ___!'

He is dysregulating because he's lost control... .so he has attempted to befriend MY friends, and infiltrate my family. When that failed, he began to bombard me with text messages again. They normally come at 4 in the morning when he's drunk off his ass, or he will even leave voicemails.

So now, he is rubbing in my face that he is 'engaged'. Last week he got into yet ANOTHER car crash drunk... .so the next day he purchases a new motorcycle and new truck. I almost had to laugh because the truck he bought is coincidentally my 'dream car'.

Anyway, I'm in therapy... .Trying some meds too.

Oh, and a previous blow to me: It is court ordered that I get to spend Mother's day with my daughter. His mother & he call in the morning to ask if they could have her for 4 hours that day. I kindly declined, and he texted afterwards telling me how 'SELFISH' I am... .Also, I was upset because I didn't get a 'happy mothers day' or 'thanks for birthing our kid' - then realized how IRRATIONAL that was of me! Lol! But my feelings are valid... .It hurt.

[eeks]

It seems a number of people have this fear.  I don't know if it's anywhere in the pinned posts or articles, but it should be.

My relationship with a uBPD was very short and yet I find myself relating so well to the things people describe here having been in much longer relationships/marriages.  I guess that's because pwBPD seem to have a certain "program" that they run in relationships.

I briefly had awful thoughts about whoever the next woman he was going to date was, and how they were going to be blissfully happy together, but somehow I eventually came around to realize, the man who idealized me does not, technically, exist.  if I understand correctly, a pwBPD has to use the psychological defense of splitting in order to idealize someone.  Because at that point you're not seeing their pain, shame, rage, abusive dynamic, at all.  They're hiding it in a way that people without personality disorders don't do (maybe even can't do, not sure about that though, maybe under extreme stress or trauma)

Anyways, no blame or accusations of intention, it's the disorder.  And anybody who is in a relationship with him in the future, no matter how much of a saint she is, is going to have to deal with the devaluation side.  To put it differently, there's no future partner who can be a "good enough person" for the pwBPD not to devalue or abuse, because that's not the issue, the issue is the disorder. 

Both my uBPD ex and former friend were very intelligent, and they could tell me in elaborated detail just exactly how bad I or my behaviour was and the specific ways in which I hurt them (and you see, they each had a sizeable list of others in their life who had "hurt" them, and could do the same process for those people, when they were playing the victim role on the triangle, and I as rescuer, so ultimately I realized I should not be surprised that I was the next one on the list)

And I don't think you have to identify with being "co-dependent" in order to get hooked by their "I am not loving you because you are bad" campaign.  It's enough to have tendencies towards being conscientious, or responsible.  Some people here even describe themselves as always having been self-reliant types. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Man, like eeks my relationship was relatively short, and we weren't married and her kids weren't mine.  I really have to hand it to you folks who married and reproduced with borderlines; if that was me I'm pretty sure she'd be dead and I'd be in jail.

Anyway, wondering if the new partner is doing the borderline dance "better" than we did, and therefore we suck, is pretty much universal around here. And it really has nothing to do with our exes or who they're screwing now, meant multiple ways.  Every human on the planet wonders if we're "good enough" at some point or another, some more than others, has a lot to do with our family, and when a borderline sets about offloading all their sht on us to feel better in the later stages of a relationship, we either buy into that or we don't, and if we do, down the rabbit hole of low self esteem we go.  And then it ends and they're off soothing their emotions with a new attachment, because they can't see another way and have no choice, and we're left wondering was I enough?  Are they "better" than me?  Shtty questions.  Better to ask are my needs being met by this person?  Could they ever be?  Would it be sustainable?  No, no and no in most cases, so what do we need to do to upgrade our lives?  Remove disempowering people to start with, obviously, but bigger than that, we can shape our reality and our experience with the questions we ask, so let's get busy asking better ones.

Per eeks:

if I understand correctly, a pwBPD has to use the psychological defense of splitting in order to idealize someone.  Because at that point you're not seeing their pain, shame, rage, abusive dynamic, at all.  They're hiding it in a way that people without personality disorders don't do (maybe even can't do, not sure about that though, maybe under extreme stress or trauma)

That's one version, here's another: when a borderline mirrors someone, by reflecting back to them the good they see in them, to affect an attachment, what they show us is the best parts of ourselves, what's not to love, but a borderline also does it to "take" the good they see in us as their own, to counteract the bad they see in themselves, a part of creating one psyche out of two that is at the core of the disorder.  A relationship with a borderline is not a partnership of two autonomous individuals, it's a fusing of someone who thinks they don't exist at all unless they're attached to someone psychically, to someone else to "complete" themselves, their "self".  Hard to get your head around at first; Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore.

[Ripped Heart]

I will be honest and say that shortly after my divorce from exN/BPDw and I knew there was a replacement, I did think and feel exactly the same.

Today, I couldn't care less because that's a chapter of my life that is closed. That's not to say that I don't hope she finds happiness or wondering if the next person in line goes through the physical and emotional abuse, just that it is no longer my concern and I don't find myself getting hung up on it anymore.

What I do take from it all is that I did my very best to fulfill every whim and every need, endured the abuse and despite it all, remained calm and composed throughout even though inside, I was screaming. That's all that matters to me now is knowing that I did the best I could given the situation, that I learned valuable lessons from the experience and realised just how strong I am as well as where my limit is.

I found myself back in that place after r/s ended with exBPDgf too which is when I found this site though again, I know I did all I could. The difference this time is that I do get validation from exBPDgf on how well I treated her, that she messed up, that she is thankful for me being in her life and although they may very well be empty words, I do know there is some element of truth in what she says because she reaches out to me when she wants to be herself, without the mask and at her most vulnerable. She wears a mask for everyone else so despite there being replacements, I know they have not seen her for who she really is and I know from her that she has no control so that mask will always come off at some point.