Do BPDs Ever Have Insight after Hitting Rock Bottom?

[hazel29]

My SIL, who we've been no contact with for over a year, is off work on stress leave after her marriage fell apart.

Her mother, who is in her 60s, is helping her with her son, and taking time off work herself. It's been going for about a year that she's been working 7 days a week (4 days at SIL's house babysitting so she could work - even before the divorce- and 3 days at her other job).

Apparently SIL has had enough of a breakdown that she's talking to a psychologist. I think she realized she only has her brother's family and her mom left for support, after she cut off her sister, her brother (my BF), me, and then her husband broke down, and his family is more or less on his side. She has lashed out at everyone but BIL as well, they just have a much higher tolerance for her abusive behaviour than I or my BF do. I was on the receiving end of her anger one night and it was easily one of the scariest thing I've been through. There was a lot of pressure to forgive and forget from their family, but when I attempted it, she lashed out again and I realized that regardless of whether I dropped an issue, she would not.

I didn't even really know what the issue was, so I said that if we were to rectify things, I'd want a sit down talk.

I spent months after blaming myself auntil the psychologist suggested, based on things I'd told him, that she sounded like she may very likely be BPD.

So my question:

I found out recent she reached out to her own sister, who she's not spoken with in 3 years, to apologize, according to the mom. My BF got a lovey text asking to meet as well.

There is a part of me that feels hopeful that she's had some insight into her bullying to see she was wrong and the common denominator, but there's another part of me that's much more cynical and thinks she's trying to secure "supply" now that she doesn't have her husband and his family. She was very confident at the time about not needing any of us and making all of the issues our problem. She's also very haughty and vicious/catty when she wants to be, and will lie about things that never happened to win support. She seemed unable to look at herself in a meaningful way. Things are always about her, and she always has some drama in her life which exempts her from being held responsible.


My question is: do BPDs ever have a moment of insight when they hit rock bottom? Or is this likely something else? Because my BF said he genuinely thought she would never talk to his sister again, so the fact she made the effort is significant. I haven't even met this sister because she's never been at a family event for the length of our over 2.5 year relationship due to being on the outs with SIL.

I ask because I would think for the average person, losing so many people would evoke a lot of soul searching, so my first inclination is to feel hopeful. But then I feel like she was so dysfunctional, I feel very cautious. She apologized before and when I didn't immediately jump back into acting like nothing happened, she lashed out again and was angry for being held responsible.

Anyone have experience with the BPD rock bottom? What happened next, in your experience?

[jdtm]

I ask because I would think for the average person, losing so many people would evoke a lot of soul searching

key words - in bold, underscored and in italics - hmmm ... .

[Kwamina]

Hi hazel29

I was on the receiving end of her anger one night and it was easily one of the scariest thing I've been through.

This is something I can relate to very well unfortunately. I've experienced my uBPD mom and sis go into explosive BPD-rages and the whole experience was frightening and quite traumatic indeed

My question is: do BPDs ever have a moment of insight when they hit rock bottom? Or is this likely something else? Because my BF said he genuinely thought she would never talk to his sister again, so the fact she made the effort is significant. I haven't even met this sister because she's never been at a family event for the length of our over 2.5 year relationship due to being on the outs with SIL.

You can never be certain about what's going on here. What I do know is that although BPD is quite a difficult disorder, positive change is possible in certain cases. For this to happen it is indeed essential to take a critical look at yourself and acknowledge that there might be something wrong with your behavior. Perhaps that is what's going on with her here but it could also be something else. Her recent actions are a hopeful sign. Whatever her motivations, based on your past experiences I think it's advisable to be somewhat wary and make sure you have your boundaries in place. Would you like to have contact with her again?

[Isus]

People with BPD can, and many do, get better. While usually crashing down and high stress will cause more severe behaviour at times it can also cause an insgiht that something is wrong in them. Especially if they are ready to look for professional help, things can be hopeful. And they are capable of learning from experience, sometimes it just can take rather a lot longer than for an average person.

If your bf wants to find out, what this is, the way to do so can be establishing some contact. High boundaries and low expectations, but still allowing the possibility of healing the relationship somewhat. If that idea sounds too stressful, then it may be better to stay in no contact.

After I have re-established my contact with my dBPD dad, I have taken my time to think, what are my boundaries. I will not allow myself to be pushed to hasty decision in that. I will not have contact with him, when situation is pound to be volatile or if he gets too agitated, I take a step or five back when he gets too dramatic and so on. I can do without big or even sincere apologies for the past wrongdoings or hurts, but I want our current communicate to be in bounds of what I find tolerable from him. For example I'm still little vary letting him come to my home, and only allow it, when things are good, because from my home I couldn't just leave if he gets agitated. For example from the café I can just stand up and walk away, if he starts to throw a tantrum or behave in offensive manner.

If you decide to try contact with her again, those are the type of boundaries and practical issues and choices you may better think through first and take your time to do so.

[hazel29]

Thanks for the responses!

Very helpful. And I agree boundaries are absolutely essential.

I do not particularly want a great deal of contact. I felt panicked when she reached out to him initially, for many reasons, a main one being that I experienced a lot of difficulty after her outburst, lies and the scapegoating that followed because I wouldn't immediately act like nothing happened. It was such a disorienting experience that carried over into my job (where she also works, though we don't have to interact much) so I left that to take a work term elswhere to get space from her. I feel like she caused a great deal of stress in my life and I'm not ready to welcome that back in without some serious boundary setting and a discussion to find out what her problem even is.

   My concern is that, even on her best behaviour,  she is possessive and passive agressive, and accuses me of having intentions I simply don't have. I had actually really liked her and hoped we'd have a good friendship. But for instance, she had devised an idea in her head that I was coming between her and her brother for my spending so much time with him (she was never as close to him as she makes it sound, according to him) and she would try to leave me out of things. When that wasn't successful, she'd give me the silent treatment at family events, which others called her on.

I thought I was being paranoid about various comments and behaviours until she verbalized on a "girl's night out" (the first) that I was not family,  that she didn't like me and that "she'd always said she better like who he ends up with" because "no one's coming between her and her brother". When I cried after she got vicious (this was in front of the family, and my BF and BIL was not in attendance), she got extremely angry and threatened me not to tell him, which spiralled out into an enormous erruption and violence towards her mother who tried to intervene.

I had thought things were fine which made things especially jarring.

So when she attacks me, it's expected I stay quiet. When I tell my boyfriend, he stands up for me, and she is apologetic to him, then gets me alone and becomes threatening.

There's a big part of me that says even if she expresses remorse, and even if she realizes how many people have left due ot her bullying, there's something very off about her that I don't think will go away very quickly. The problem is this family is very big on togetherness, and I suspect we're going to be expected to go out and stay overnight at the BIL's house or spend hours together.

Luckily, my boyfriend will be setting down boundaries, and I will as well. I do expect an apology and some insight before I'd ever go back in the same room. But I know th family togetherness pressure will be there, especially from the BIL's family. And I'm still very cautious. I don't know how likely it is that she has insight given that she was a master deflector before.