How to deal with being painted black to a family member

[Cat21]

I realize many of you are painted black on the regular to your pwBPD's families and friends, but tonight, my uBPD husband called his father to discuss his frustration with me and this is something he hasn't done before. LONG story short- my H's sister is NPD and controls he and his parents. Her behavior has been getting worse for the last 6 months or so, and my H's inability to stand up to her and put me first is hurting our marriage. I am about to have a baby (any day now), and for the last 3 weeks, my H has been arguing with me regularly over her coming to visit at a time that is convenient for her, instead of what is convenient for us. I have been weathering this storm, standing fast and holding my boundaries, and it is completely exhausting.

He was out of sorts all day today about this and has now convinced himself that I never want to spend time with his entire family (parents and sister) again. Of course, that's not true and I never said that. So, after his THIRD attempt today to try and bait me into an argument (and my third refusal... .getting harder by the second), he called his father and proceeded to talk about me and the fact that I don't like his family RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. As I said at the beginning, this may be old hat to a lot of you, but this is totally new to me. I have a good relationship with his parents- I like them very much and they like me a lot, too. Apparently his dad told him that he needs to stop upsetting me and that if I don't enjoy spending time with them as a whole, there's nothing my H can do about it. FIL also went on to say that he understands if I'm more comfortable with my family than with my H's, and that's something my H just has to accept. But now is not the time to discuss this.

In other words, my FIL was absolutely right. However, I'm left feeling quite hurt by 2 things:

1. I feel it's inappropriate to discuss our marriage with our parents. I have a best friend to whom I vent, and I do share some things with my sister, but I never speak ill of my husband to my parents. The fact that he did that so freely, and in front of my face, is very disrespectful to me and our marriage.

2. Even though his dad made sense, I can't help but feel he might think differently of me and that's hard for me to accept. He is not hearing the truth. My in-laws are arriving next week and will be staying with us for 3 weeks; I don't want to feel like something in our relationship has changed because this business with my SIL isn't about my parents-in-law.

So, I guess I'm wondering, how do I approach this or do I? I know I can't control what they think of me and I can't get wrapped up in my H's drama with his family.

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[formflier]

  H's drama 

So... my take on this... .is the key to getting out of your H's drama... .is to not participate.  I get a sense that you are communicating to him verbally... .that you don't want to participate.

I'm curious about how you non-verbally communicate this.

Such as:  When he calls his father right in front of you... .he is trying to involve you in drama.  Did you walk out?  Say something and walk out?  Stay and listen?

You seem to know what they talked about... .how did you find that out?

If you walk out... .but talk about the convo later with your hubby... .do you think that is participating in drama?

Triangles are messy... .I'm not an expert on them... .but I am trying to understand them better... .so that I can "drive to the center" of the triangle... .or avoid them all together.

It seems to me... .that you husband was pushing you to be the persecutor that hates his sister, so he could be the victim... and call his dad to rescue.

My impression is that the dad did a pretty good job at not rescuing. 

Can you explain to us what part of this "exactly" is exhausting.  Hopefully we can find a better way... .or "tactic" that takes less energy. 

I'll hush for now and look forward to your responses.

 

Good job standing firm


FF

[Cat21]

Such as:  When he calls his father right in front of you... .he is trying to involve you in drama.  Did you walk out?  Say something and walk out?  Stay and listen?

You seem to know what they talked about... .how did you find that out?

Can you explain to us what part of this "exactly" is exhausting.  Hopefully we can find a better way... .or "tactic" that takes less energy. 

I'll hush for now and look forward to your responses.

 

Good job standing firm

Well at the time, I was fixing dinner and eating when he called his dad. He was in the next room, talking loudly, so I heard what he said because I was right there. I didn't say a word as I ate, and as I was finishing up, he came into the kitchen and told me what his dad said. Again, I didn't respond at all and when he was through, I got up and left and went for an hour-long walk.

Can you explain to us what part of this "exactly" is exhausting.  Hopefully we can find a better way... .or "tactic" that takes less energy. 

Well, at 9 months pregnant, everything is exhausting.  So right now, I find it exhausting because I don't have "extra" emotional or physical energy, and I feel like that's what this is taking from me. Yesterday in particular, he quite literally followed me around the house attempting to engage me. I spent the day either going from room to room or leaving the house multiple times just to escape it. I can't do that anymore- it's way too tiring. If I weren't pregnant, or really mostly at home for right now, it wouldn't be different. But, since I'm officially on maternity leave, and just waiting to have this baby, I'm limited on where I can go/how much energy I have, etc.

[formflier]

I spent the day either going from room to room or leaving the house multiple times just to escape it. I can't do that anymore- it's way too tiring. 

I agree... .tell him you can't and won't do this anymore.  One time... .clearly.  Next time he does it go to a room where you can lock the door.  If he doesn't let you have peace.

Go to a hotel.

You get peace... you deserve it.

Thoughts?


FF

[Cat21]

I agree, and I actually considered doing that last night. He seems to be nearly back to "normal" today- he's speaking to me again and joking around. He mentioned that his dad texted him and is worried about us based on what my H told him yesterday. I didn't say a word in response. He has been out and about this afternoon, so I'm able to rest. I don't foresee this issue coming up again tonight, but if it does, I've got my hospital bag packed and by the door- I'll go to a hotel.

[formflier]

I agree, and I actually considered doing that last night. He seems to be nearly back to "normal" today- he's speaking to me again and joking around. He mentioned that his dad texted him and is worried about us based on what my H told him yesterday. I didn't say a word in response. He has been out and about this afternoon, so I'm able to rest. I don't foresee this issue coming up again tonight, but if it does, I've got my hospital bag packed and by the door- I'll go to a hotel.

His dad seems to have given some reasonable advice... .

Concur?    Does he seem to be a good guy?

If so... then it might actually be something to encourage... .to have your hubby talk to him about HIS behavior.

So... something along the lines of ":)ad... .how did you go about trying to communicate with Mom when she was pregnant?"  Then... "I tried following her from room to room talking about the same thing... .do you think that is a good idea?"



FF

[waverider]

If he said it in front of you then he has probably said similar behind your back, and always will.

Whatever anyone else's response is, most likely is twisted out of context, or untrue. Said under the influence of wrong information, or out of not wanting to argue. So it has no real weight. People who know you make their own mind up based on what they know.

The real problem is you feel disrespected by having to hear this.

Probably the best way to deal with that sort of behavior is a boundary at that time, get up and leave, so the consequence is obviously about that specific behavior. Bringing it up later blurs the link.

Either way it is a deliberate hurtful action and needs a boundary regardless of right or wrong. It is a form of abuse

[Cat21]

His dad seems to have given some reasonable advice... .

Concur?    Does he seem to be a good guy?

His dad is reasonable, yes. His dad doesn't care to be involved, per say, in the brother/sister drama, yet also isn't interested in changing the family dynamic. There's a gossipy element to my H's FOO's communication; my H will tell my FIL something and ask him not to tell anyone else, but then my FIL will go straight to my SIL and tell her, and vice versa. Lots of "but you're NOT supposed to know this" type of talking.

That being said, my FIL is sort of a happy-go-lucky kind of guy who doesn't let much of anything bother him, even if it is something that's a big deal (like a health issue, for example). So, sometimes, he can come off as being naive.

[Cat21]

It's been a few days since the SIL Visit Saga "concluded", and my H hasn't tried to engage me in any more talks. His sister has, however, been calling and texting to ask him (not me- despite my request to be included) to give her some weekends that work for a visit this fall. She is on vacation- is this really something she needs to take care of now? At any rate, the other night, after my H called his father in front of me to discuss these issues, she sent my H a text. (I read it, admittedly, because my husband asked me to look at a picture she had sent him and the text was right above the picture.) It said something like, "I don't know exactly what you and dad were talking about, but I wouldn't take dad's advice if I were you. He's totally clueless."

So, his dad's advice was to move and on and realize that he (my H) can't change my feelings- it's OK if I don't want his entire family there. And his sister is saying to NOT follow that advice. Now she's throwing her own father under the bus. I guess this shouldn't surprise me, but wow.

[formflier]

"I don't know exactly what you and dad were talking about, but I wouldn't take dad's advice if I were you. He's totally clueless."

This advice is really telling... .that she can "know" someone's advice shouldn't be followed... .without knowing the advice.

Boundary issue:  If you sister wants to text your hubby... .and not include you... .that is her/their choice.

You have requested... .they have declined.  You need to make sure they feel "safe" to decline your reasonable requests... .

Just like you need to feel safe to decline their reasonable requests... .


My guess is that the decline yours... .but then expect you to "hop to" and take care of their stuff... .lickity split... .

Correct?

Is lickity even a real word?

FF

[Cat21]

Yep. It was his sister, not mine, who texted him. I have asked to be included in dialogue about visits, since our schedules can be a bit tricky. Yes, expected  an answer right away and he obliged. He asked me what weekends might be good for her to visit, and I told him that any weekend was fine with me (I've got little plans for the next 3 months). So he chose a weekend and told her.