Struggling With The Adoptin

[Senata48]

  Hi! It has been a while since I last posted. In 2013 soon after my SIL got custody of his 12 year old son, an unmarried acquaintance offered to give my daughter and SIL her baby. Since they couldn't be talked out of it i agreed to try to help them adopt legally.SIL has felony convictions.The adoption attorney said the convictions,since they were not child related,should not be a problem, and rules for a private designated adoption were less strict. Things were going well with the home study until a false  charge turned up on SIL's background check. He contacted the court of origin and had them send a letter to the state. We thought it was settled. The baby was born Dec.24th. They took her home when she was 2 days old and thing were going very well. They should have had a court date Mar.

    The social worker's husband got sick and eventually died in Sept.2014. They felt bad for the social worker, but the adoption needed to be finalized. The adoption attorney said to press her to finish the study. They got Dec. 30th court date. We thought all was well. The Judge refused to approve the adoption and a new court date was set for Mar. My SIL was forced to quit his truck driving training to fight the charges We eventually did get his FBI record straightened out, but our state still rules him unfit. He has a hearing on this in July. Then we find out they are not legally married. His second divorce was not final when they married in 2009. The X filed and didn't complete the divorce, then filed again. This is a common law state, so the became married by common law once the divorce was final. A week before the court date, the adoption attorney called and told me that the judge would never approve the adoption because of SIL's record and they were not married. She could fix this by withdrawing the original petition and filing a new on with my daughter adopting as a single. My daughter would have to move in with me and we would have to do a new home study. My SIL was furious and blames me. My cousin, an attorney, said to just go along with them to get the baby out of harms way. Luckly the birth mother signed the new petition. We have been jumping through their hoops and my daughter gave the attorney hopefully the last document she needs yesterday. Now we wait for anther court date and I don't know how I want it to end.

   My SIL and his son left a month ago going back north where he took my daughter in 2010. His friend got him this fantastic high paying job,which i doubt will last. My daughter plans to join him when she gets the baby.I am so worried about them because she will be giving up her good daycare job where she gets a good discount on child care. I am praying she will give them notice so maybe they will take her back. She never did stay with me at my house and is staying with the neighbors next door to the their trailer. The neighbors are regular pot smokers and live off of government assistance.Every time my daughter gets involved with them she turns against me.I feel guilty for not stopping this adoption,but I don't want to loose my daughter. I don't know witch is worse,SIL or the neighbor. It's so hard to watch them self destruct.

   My husband and I adopted our two children internationally and it was a wonderful experience.This has been a two year nightmare and I hope it ends soon.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Senata48,

What a tough dilemma, I can understand why you feel so torn about your decision to help D and SIL with the adoption. It sounds like a very chaotic and confusing situation for a child who must surely sense the tension, even if she is just an infant. Is the child currently with your D, even though the adoption is not final?

Is it possible that the SIL is also BPD, and that perhaps your D is in a high-conflict relationship?

I can sense the worry and concern in your post. How are you doing? Did something happen to cause your D to cut contact with you? (It sounds like she has done this now that she's staying with the neighbors?)

[Senata48]

  The baby has been with my Daughter and SIL since birth. SIL and his son left a month ago for a job out of state.SIL has a friend that he runs to when things aren't going to suit him.They say him leaving was a mutual agreement, but SIL is very controlling.He is 12 years older than my daughter and constantly puts her down. My daughter can't stand being alone so she puts up with him. My husband died suddenly in 2007 so being adopted, my has been abandoned twice.

   I don't know if SIL is BPD. He has had a rough life. His parents basically gave up on him when he was 14. He was in a boys home, foster care briefly,then got in trouble with the law. His problems with the law were not violent or drug related. He can be charming and helpful as long as things are going his way. I've spent a lot of time and money trying to help him straighten out his life. Now he has taken off again and my daughter plans to follow him. I really cared about and supported my SIL for a long time, but now I just wish she would leave him. It will have to be her choice.