Mom thinks she's Mother Teresa

[Marutte]

Hi everyone,

My mother sees herself as a sort of savior - someone sent from a different galaxy to bring peace and love to the world. She finds herself deeply empathetic, caring, self sacrificing and sensitive, when in reality she has always emotionally abused my siblings and me and has absolutely no understanding of our needs.

She skips between alternative new age treatments, courses and retreats and has tried everything from reiki healing to regressive therapy, crystals, holistic nutritional therapy... .you name it. Nothing seems to last more than a few months and now that she is 65, that means she really has tried everything. But an actual psychologist or psychiatrist? No way.

Does anyone else have a parent with their own personal fantasy world, that makes it impossible to find any common language at all?

[Kwamina]

Welcome back Marutte

I think many of our members can relate to that feeling of a fantasy world or alternate reality. I know I can!

When looking at BPD, a significant aspect of it is that people with this disorder essentially seem to have a mind that is wired differently from non-disordered people. As a result they might process and perceive things way differently than a more rational onlooker would do. However, in their own mind they probably aren't really aware of the distortions in reality. Though the projections, splitting and distorted thinking can seem mind-boggling, in the minds of our BPD family-members it might be very real and make complete sense to them. This quote also illustrates that:

Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature... .Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile.

[Marutte]

Thank you Kwamina,

It's good to know that I'm not the only one in the world with these experiences. I would just love to hear some examples from others, to make MY world seem more real.

My mother has always been very good at telling me my feelings and my view of things were wrong. And for all of my childhood and some of adulthood I lived inside her fantasy world (my father didn't interfere). I was miserable but had no idea why.

[Kwamina]

Here's an example from my early and late teen years. Twice I got something to eat from friends and my mother said who did I get this from, they might be trying to poison you. My uBPD sis agreed with her of course. When I told my mother her claims were ridiculous, she said I was 'naïve' because she (and uBPD sis) had more life experience. This is one instance in which it was impossible to reason with her because she was coming from a totally different version of reality. After that I never ever again shared anything with her about food I had been given by others.

[Sarah girl]

Hi Marutte!

Yes, I can totally realate. My mom deeply believes that she's some kind of saint and hero. She has clung to religion her entire life and uses her own "religious interpretations" to pretty much judge and trash everyone while exhonerating and elevating herself. It's quite tiresome. I'm regularly told that I'm going to hell and so are all those who have wronged her. She mis-quotes televangelists and misinterprets sermons (English is not her first language).

The other day, she told me that working towards a goal in life is absolutely futile and making any kind of meaningful effort is useless. She believes that one can passively just go through life and that if God loves that person, He will bless that individual and take care of all his/her needs. Therefore, people who are living through hardship, i.e. everyone she hates,  are bad people that are being punished by God. I think it's a pretty outrageous philosophy that she applies to validate herself. Deep down, I think she's quite unfulfilled and angry. She does go around trying to impose her beliefs on people and very bluntly tells them that they are wrong and that they will suffer as a result. Most people have learned to steer clear of her. She tries to "Christianize" her Jewish clients at work! I usually just go quiet when she starts ranting about God and her own blessedness.

I agree with Kwamina's quote. One cannot dispute a person's feelings. But it doesn't mean that you have to agree with them. You have your own feelings about things and those are just as valid and real. Agree to disagree - that's what I say.

[AmMovingForward]

It's their world,  we're just living in it. Characters that have interchangeable parts depending on what's going on at the time. I have about a dozen hats that I wear with my mom, and have found it's easier to put them on, then deal with the repercussions.

[Marutte]

Thank you all for answering. I guess fantasy worlds come in many forms... .

I think it makes it especially difficult that nobody ever (except my sister, me, our husbands and my therapist) seem to think that anything is wrong with my uBPD mom. Everyone sees her as a hardworking saint.  It just makes me SO angry!

[Hopeful4Future]

My mom reject science but tells me theories about black holes.  She tells me that one day I will become enlightened as she has and then ill see.

She says these things with such conviction that I have to wonder, "wait, is she right?"

She spends countless hours on her computer watching conspiracy youtube videos and emailing various spiritual leaders and internet gurus. Its all out there stuff which I don't pass any judgement on but when its coming from your mother it hard to nod your head and be like "yeah wow, i totally believe that" because if I dispute anything its like I'm rejecting the very essence of her being even tho this all started in the last 2 years.

She vacillates between being completely religious and saintlike. And then telling me she was never married to my father because she doesn't believe in marriage.

And she also think that she "sees" things in people and will approach stingers and "tell them about themselves" which is very invasive and she will become defiant if the person is turned off by this. 

Its hard... .my moms not crazy, she's really smart. But she doesn't live in reality or even try to for that matter. 

[Marutte]

Oh my goodness Hopeful4Future... .That sounds so much like my mom. With the youtube videos, conspiracy theories, the spiritual guides and the universe. She's also very smart, but refuses to take part in the reality that her family lives in. Very sad really. I feel like she has no idea who I am.

[Hopeful4Future]

Its really hard because I don't want my mom to feel alone or isolated but its so hard to agree validate her reality because its so far from mine. 

She doesn't want to talk about anything thats going on in my life unless she can relate it back to one of the beliefs she subscribes to. 

I find myself literally not saying anything on the phone and just letting her talk, but when I don't respond or validate she gets angry with me.

I guess its nice to know that other people experience the same thing.  Its really hard when I just want to talk to my mom about everyday stuff

[losthero]

Your mother seems to have a lot of narcissistic traits.  She seems very self absorbed and likes being the "expert" on things.  Sounds like she focuses her energy on alternate healing because not a lot of people know enough about it to refute things with her.  My mother is a BPD/npd mix and I find it hard to talk or relate to her. She spends 10 seconds of conversation asking how I am doing. There is an unexpressed feeling of anger or jealousy if Im doing great and if I dare tell her of any personal issues she delights in my misery and telling me what I should do.  Thus allowing her to be the "expert". 

[Hopeful_Mom]

Interesting post... .in 2010, my sister was getting married at the beach. As the maid of honor, I gave my speech poolside, at the reception. It was emotional for me, but I did my best. As soon as I finished, my dad started screaming at me in front of everyone. He said "how dare you get up there and talk like it is all about you ?" Things got so out of hand that my husband, children, and I had no choice but to leave. His parting words were "I've been like the Heavenly Father, and tried to welcome you back, you just won't come." To me, that is blasphemy. All of this was incredibly difficult, probably one of the worst days of my life. There has been no contact since then.

[devildil]

I am new to this forum and am shocked at the similarities between many of your stories and my own! For better or worse, the uBPD is my mother in law, not my biological mother. She is also in her 60s and has spent her life studying energetic healing modalities as well. She likes to go around diagnosing everyone else's personality and mood disorders, but she has never had any formal training. Since she also likes to go around diagnosing people's cancers, food allergies etc through "muscle checking", I don't put a lot of stock into what she says anymore. Honestly trying to write about her reality I feel like I sound ridiculous, but when I first met her, everything she preached was very convincing and real to me. Then I figured out that if I let her in, let her do healing work on me, her secret sadistic tendencies would show up and not only would I be shamed, but the whole extended family would get to hear every sordid detail of my emotional life through the lense of her crazy religious beliefs!  Interestingly she is highly respected within the new age healing community among some. She likes to save her worst for her family. However she has been confronted by fellow practitioners several times and every time without fail it's "so-and-so is a psychopath and should never be allowed to lay hands on the sick!" Never her saintly self, always alway someone else. Here is a good story: recently my partner invited her over for lunch. She was having a victim moment and he gave in. She came with a pregnancy test and tried to force me to take it in front of her because she had a dream I was pregnant! When I started menstruating and few days later (I refused to take the test and insisted I was definitely not pregnant) she called to tell me that, maybe I wasn't physically pregnant but I was "astrally" pregnant, but she wouldn't get too excited because "who knows who the father is". Can you imagine the nerve? I am not a cheater and love my partner dearly. Who's mother in law thinks they have the right to make those kind is assumptions. *sigh*