I think I'm losing my mind dealing with unBPD mom...

[MiserableDaughter]

So I have an unBPD narcissistic mother, age 63, who lives 45 minutes away from me. I've been married for 12 years, and she has wreaked constant havoc in my life, marriage, mental state etc. I have a 3 year year son, who is my all! I've managed to greatly limit contact, and keep my son's exposure to them maybe once for 2 hours every two weeks. I cannot make myself completely go NC. Its not that I wouldnt LOVE the freedom... .It's the feeling of massive guilt of completely taking their grandson out of their lives. I have begged my husband for 10 years for us to move somewhere to another state far away, so I can get some breathing space but still keep some level of contact. But he has been more concerned about jobs, finances, etc. and "being practical." He now agrees that our lives may have been MUCH happier far away from them, and he should have listened instead of ignoring my pleas... .Every week my mom lays on the guilt of how "other grandkids come and and sleep over grandparents' houses... .how OTHER grandparents' whole lives revolve around their grandkids except them... ." The guilt is non-stop. Last week she tried to cry and corner me into commiting that my son would sleep over there every two weeks. This sent me into massive panic. I immediately responded with "I cant commit to anything. There is a reason I work part-time. Its to spend more time with my son!" That set off massive rage in my mom.

She wants what other grandmothers have, but doesnt understand why she can't get it. Her behavior with my son freaks me out. It makes me feel like bugs are crawling over my body. She keeps cornering him and asking him ":)o you love me? Are you sure? You want to go sleep at grandma's house, right? Go tell mama! Go tell mama you love grandma!" etc etc... .She thinks I cant hear her whispering in his ear but I can... .And the constant "Give grandma a hug! If you dont, I'm leaving!" The constant having to prove his love... .He just turned 3! Maybe I am overly sensitive since Ive grown up with her constantly needing proof and it never being enough... .She competes with me over him indirectly... .She gets this expression of glee when he runs to her instead of me. She buys him what I tell her not to saying "EVERYONE spoils their grandkids."

Maybe some of her behavior is normal for a grandma? I dont even know... .But I hate it. And I am so damn tired of fending her off. Week after week after week. I feel like I am losing my mind. I need to move far away from her. My parents were out of town for a few days last week. I felt like I could BREATHE! Mind you, I dont see them every day! Like every two weeks but she is just pulling me and pulling me constantly... .Trying to pull me. But U felt like I could breathe when she was away! As soon as their flight landed back here, I felt like I was again weighed down with a million stones.

I so feel like I just need to move away geographically to gtet some distance from the situation and some logic. Right now, I am losing my mind. I am always exhausted and feel like I just want to sleep constantly. I already have MS and I feel like my health is deteriorating being close to her geographically. My husband is trying to get jobs out of state, but is not having much luck. I feel like I should just leave with my son and go find a job far away. I dont know how long I can wait for my husband to look for a job. I have so much resentment towards him as well, for never hearing me. He kept guilting me into buying houses here even though I just felt like they were nails in my coffin. I wanted to get OUT, and he was pushing us to stay due to "being practical."

I need some help and advice. I am seeing a therapist. I am 36. I feel like I am 60.

[jhkbuzz]

So I have an unBPD narcissistic mother, age 63, who lives 45 minutes away from me. I've been married for 12 years, and she has wreaked constant havoc in my life, marriage, mental state etc. I have a 3 year year son, who is my all! I've managed to greatly limit contact, and keep my son's exposure to them maybe once for 2 hours every two weeks. I cannot make myself completely go NC. Its not that I wouldnt LOVE the freedom... .It's the feeling of massive guilt of completely taking their grandson out of their lives. I have begged my husband for 10 years for us to move somewhere to another state far away, so I can get some breathing space but still keep some level of contact. But he has been more concerned about jobs, finances, etc. and "being practical." He now agrees that our lives may have been MUCH happier far away from them, and he should have listened instead of ignoring my pleas... .Every week my mom lays on the guilt of how "other grandkids come and and sleep over grandparents' houses... .how OTHER grandparents' whole lives revolve around their grandkids except them... ." The guilt is non-stop. Last week she tried to cry and corner me into commiting that my son would sleep over there every two weeks. This sent me into massive panic. I immediately responded with "I cant commit to anything. There is a reason I work part-time. Its to spend more time with my son!" That set off massive rage in my mom.

She wants what other grandmothers have, but doesnt understand why she can't get it. Her behavior with my son freaks me out. It makes me feel like bugs are crawling over my body. She keeps cornering him and asking him ":)o you love me? Are you sure? You want to go sleep at grandma's house, right? Go tell mama! Go tell mama you love grandma!" etc etc... .She thinks I cant hear her whispering in his ear but I can... .And the constant "Give grandma a hug! If you dont, I'm leaving!" The constant having to prove his love... .He just turned 3! Maybe I am overly sensitive since Ive grown up with her constantly needing proof and it never being enough... .She competes with me over him indirectly... .She gets this expression of glee when he runs to her instead of me. She buys him what I tell her not to saying "EVERYONE spoils their grandkids."

Maybe some of her behavior is normal for a grandma? I dont even know... .But I hate it. And I am so damn tired of fending her off. Week after week after week. I feel like I am losing my mind. I need to move far away from her. My parents were out of town for a few days last week. I felt like I could BREATHE! Mind you, I dont see them every day! Like every two weeks but she is just pulling me and pulling me constantly... .Trying to pull me. But U felt like I could breathe when she was away! As soon as their flight landed back here, I felt like I was again weighed down with a million stones.

I so feel like I just need to move away geographically to gtet some distance from the situation and some logic. Right now, I am losing my mind. I am always exhausted and feel like I just want to sleep constantly. I already have MS and I feel like my health is deteriorating being close to her geographically. My husband is trying to get jobs out of state, but is not having much luck. I feel like I should just leave with my son and go find a job far away. I dont know how long I can wait for my husband to look for a job. I have so much resentment towards him as well, for never hearing me. He kept guilting me into buying houses here even though I just felt like they were nails in my coffin. I wanted to get OUT, and he was pushing us to stay due to "being practical."

I need some help and advice. I am seeing a therapist. I am 36. I feel like I am 60.

I'm sorry that I don't have a ton of advice for you - it seems like you and your husband are trying to get away, and I hope that works out. The only other possibility is going no contact - it sounds like something you've thought of, but the guilt is keeping you from doing it.  To be honest, my philosophy is that "toxic people are toxic people" - whether related by blood or not. Keep 'em out, as far as I'm concerned.

Perhaps, instead of how your mother would feel if you went n/c, spend some time thinking about how your son would feel.  :)o you think it would be good for him? If so, I'd make your decision based on that - not on how your mother feels.

What really struck me about your post is that your mother sounds like my grandmother - and my parents moved states away as a solution to her constant guilt -tripping.  In fact, my mother was no-contact with her for several decades (before "no contact" was a thing.) My mother is pretty strong and willful, and no amount of coaxing from her siblings could make her reestablish contact.  Eventually, her sister went no contact as well.

[bpdfamfan]

Her behavior is NOT normal grandma behavior!

I think moving for would be the best thing you could do. I'd be direct about her making your son uncomfortable. He is too young to be firm with her and if she gets mad too bad. I'd have very little contact with her. Sure you'll feel guilty but you'll get over it. Better to feel a little guilty than to be sicker, right?

Btw I have M.S too. Wouldn't it be interesting to study the childhoods of people like us, and see if our backgrounds are similar?

[MiserableDaughter]

Interesting... .I do wonder the link with MS. My family has no genetic history of the disease. I had a horrendous rage from my mom in 2007. after which I was excessively depressed and woke up crying every day. Then one day I woke up with my hand numb, which lead to my diagnosis. My husband is convinced it's because my brain just popped fey to excessive stress. I honestly believe that it was dormant and the excessive stress caused that first major attack... .I think massive stress in life probably has a link... .

[pulauti]

I have a similar situation with my MIL. My children are 2.5 and 6 months. I'm really worried what my MIL will say to my children soon... .

We live about a 5 hour drive from my wife's parents. To be honest, I could not have lived in the same city as her. I would have had to force my wife to choose between our marriage and her mother. My wife's sister is divorced (for the better as her ex was not a good guy), and her MIL played in a part in disrupting their lives.

Fortunately I have some distance from my in-laws. On the down side, when they do come to visit it means that its for an extended period of time.

I made another post on this board that we are buying a house soon which means my MIL will be staying for even longer periods of time.

I know how this movie ends... .and its not pretty. She refuses to get help and I know that this will end with my wife and I having zero contact with her on and off for several months at a time. I wish we could just fast forward to the end of the movie and just cut her off right now.

[MiserableDaughter]

I think I am hitting rock bottom. I truly feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel like I want to leave my parents AND my husband. I can't wait for him to get a job somewhere else. It could be months. And I can't break off from my parents being jn their vicinity. I feel like I need to be far away and do it with a letter And change my phone number etc... .I feel like I'm going crazy. Seriously... .I can't believe the impact she has on my life.

[bpdfamfan]

Do you have a therapist? Anyone you can talk to? Do you work or would you consider going back? I know it's hard with MS but if you're not too bad off maybe you can get a job & take your husband and child with you. It might be a healthy thing for you

Don't give up. I know what you're going thru. If you get along with your husband otherwise, dont let you mom destroy your health AND your marriage! Time to reclaim what's yours.

[lavalove]

 I agree, I think the right therapist would be extremely helpful in this situation. I live far away from my mom, which helps, but the reality is that if I try to maintain any type of relationship with my mom, even if it is by phone, there will always be dysfunction, guilt trips, etc.

To me, it sounds like if you are going to have to wait awhile to move and you want even LC with your mom, a therapist might help with setting boundaries and dealing with the aftermath. This is what I have been doing slowly in therapy and it helps tremendously. Once I believed that I could set boundaries and not feel responsible for how she decided to react (usually either a rage or tears), I felt like I had regained some power in the relationship. And, honestly, my mom eventually started to respect them. Just like a toddler, it's good and healthy to know where the lines are so you know not to cross them.

It sounds like your mom-protection meter is going off here- you know that grandmas actions are not right and not healthy for your son- so you have EVERY RIGHT to shut them down! If she wants to see him, it should be on your terms, for as long as you decide. If you're not comfortable with him sleeping there, that should be that. I know, easier said then done, especially when you've been programmed to feel guilty your whole life. But I hope slowly setting boundaries will help you in your relationship with your mom in general, shielding your son as much as possible from the dysfunctional programming, and finding some peace in your frustrations with your husband.

[MiserableDaughter]

Thank you. Big issue is that this is greatly affecting my marriage. I don't know how to be happy living near her. My husband comes home and wants to see a happy wife and though I'm not outright in tears or anything, I am not all there and is obvious how stressed I am. The problem is I've been like this for years, because I've always been beiges down by my mom to some extent. He was so mad last night saying that's he's tryijg to find a job away. Can't I be happy until that happens? I don't even know how to do that. I'm so sick of just fending her off constantly. I feel like I can't even last another day here. It's unfair to my husband too. I've been feelijg very sick... .Very drained mentally and I have MS so it greatly affects my fatigue level. This morning he left so angry saying "I guess the only way I can ever come home to a happy home is if we move. I'm working on it." And left in a huff... .I truly feel like I should just leave him too. I don't want to make him any unhappier and I've just become this disturbed individual. I think I've gotten tired of waiting for us to get away from her so I can "start my life." And I've just lost it a bit. I've been married almost 13 years and I've gone along with his buying houses etc., and I've lost my patience too. I am already somewhat LC but I'm just sick of constantly haviing her pull week after week and me having to fend her off and make excuses. If I didn't live nearby at least that part would be better! I know for the same person this just sounds like "well why don't u just cut her off?" And those with BPD moms will know it's not easy! It's not DONE if you cut her off! There will be years and years of aftermath

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you. Big issue is that this is greatly affecting my marriage. I don't know how to be happy living near her. My husband comes home and wants to see a happy wife and though I'm not outright in tears or anything, I am not all there and is obvious how stressed I am. The problem is I've been like this for years, because I've always been beiges down by my mom to some extent. He was so mad last night saying that's he's tryijg to find a job away. Can't I be happy until that happens? I don't even know how to do that. I'm so sick of just fending her off constantly. I feel like I can't even last another day here. It's unfair to my husband too. I've been feelijg very sick... .Very drained mentally and I have MS so it greatly affects my fatigue level. This morning he left so angry saying "I guess the only way I can ever come home to a happy home is if we move. I'm working on it." And left in a huff... .I truly feel like I should just leave him too. I don't want to make him any unhappier and I've just become this disturbed individual. I think I've gotten tired of waiting for us to get away from her so I can "start my life." And I've just lost it a bit. I've been married almost 13 years and I've gone along with his buying houses etc., and I've lost my patience too. I am already somewhat LC but I'm just sick of constantly haviing her pull week after week and me having to fend her off and make excuses. If I didn't live nearby at least that part would be better! I know for the same person this just sounds like "well why don't u just cut her off?" And those with BPD moms will know it's not easy! It's not DONE if you cut her off! There will be years and years of aftermath

I watched my mother come to the decision to go n/c with her mother... .it took her a long time, but once she went n/c she was ALL IN, 100% - and there was no aftermath because she closed ALL the doors and refused to listen to family members who tried to talk her out of it.  Sometimes her siblings would complain about having to shoulder "her share" of having to deal with their mother, and my mother's response was always, "You don't have to shoulder anything.  You can make the same decision I did."  My grandmother was very manipulative, pretty immature, always the victim and very self centered. My mother stayed in the FOG for years - she felt a sense of obligation and my grandmother poured on the guilt. I've begun to wonder if my grandmother had a personality disorder.

This is the truth: it is DONE if you decide it's done. Maybe you can't make that decision today, or even tomorrow - but if you ever make the decision and draw the boundary it will be done because you won't allow any other option.

[GaGrl]

I am already somewhat LC but I'm just sick of constantly haviing her pull week after week and me having to fend her off and make excuses. If I didn't live nearby at least that part would be better! I know for the same person this just sounds like "well why don't u just cut her off?" And those with BPD moms will know it's not easy! It's not DONE if you cut her off! There will be years and years of aftermath

How do you see the "fending off" being different if you move?  Do you see that you will have relief from her begging for time with your son because she is physically distant?

Are your parents retired and free to travel?  Have you anticipated her demands to come visit in another city, with loonnnngggg visits?  Have you anticipated that they might decide to move wherever you move?  That happened to my stepdaugher -- she moved 1500 miles away from her mother (my DH's ex-wife, who is uNPD/BPD).  That lasted 2 years, then Ex just decided to move to that city and bought a house 2 miles from the daughter/grandaughter.  And it was all about having access to the GD.

So whatever happens, it still really requires a strong, determined conversation with your mother on what is and is not acceptable.

What happens when you have those conversations?  Do you cave to her crying or rages?  Does she pout or cut you off with selient treatment.  And how do you hold up to this?

[MiserableDaughter]

Other issue is, even if I WANT to go NC my brothers wedding is in August. He's almost 42. It's taken him years to find himself a good relationship again due to my mom, and I don't want to ruin it for him... .Nor do I want to shoulder the lifelong blame that I ruined his wedding or possibly cause it to not even happen... .

[MiserableDaughter]

I absolutely see the "fending off" as MUCH MUCH easier being far away. Here, I need to make weekly excuses and am constantly fighting back as my mom tries to pull to see my son all the time. I wont have to deal with the daily pull, because well... .its impossible for them to see him every week etc. Over that, my parents would not move to where I am. My mother doesnt like my husband and has too much pride to move somewhere for me. Over that, she is too attached to her house and her domain. So I don't anticipate that being an issue. I am just dying for a break and some breathing room... .

PLease understand that I have tried telling her off etc. She has BPD. She doesnt get it. And for two seconds if she does, she resorts back to victim mentality in no time. Maybe I need to be far away to even cut her off.

I think I have PTSD or something... .Seriously, when they were away for a few days I felt like I could breathe. As soon as their flight landed, I felt the weight back on me. Every week is a new challenge with her. I defeat one challenge, and now is the new one. Pulling my son to sleep over. So now a new battle to fight. Even if I say no, she wont drop it... .It will be a giant issue with tears, rage etc. And I am getting tired of fighting these battles. I'd say 50% of these come back because I am geographically close and so her expectations are much greater.

[oceaneyes]

I can personally say that physical distance has helped me in the long term, but there have been consequences in the short term. When I moved 3-4 hours away from my uBPDmom her rages became more frequent and more violent. She would send strings of nasty text messages and call me over and over again and leave hateful voicemails. Those are somewhat easy to ignore but it still hurts. When I didn't respond to those in a way she would like, she began to include my DH and his family in her made up drama, so I had to explain to them why she was acting that way. Ultimately this all led me to therapy where I discovered BPD, and I'm currently NC.

The distance will absolutely help, but do be prepared for the aftermath of the initial move. It is a physical boundary, and with all boundary setting things generally get worse before they get better.

It seems like maybe your husband doesn't understand the toll your mothers behavior takes on you. Have you ever considered doing couples therapy? Maybe it would help for him to hear from someone else how dire this situation is for you and help expedite your move?

My husband has MS as well and I can't imagine him having to deal with a BPD family member. Just general work stress fatigues him to the max. If he were in my shoes and dealing with a BPD family member, I would do everything in my power to support and protect him from that.

Wishing you all the best, I'm so sorry you have to go through all this.

[MiserableDaughter]

Oh I don't doubt that the moving aftermath would be great too. She'd still try to get me to fly over with fake health concerns etc... .But I need it greatly. Seriously I do. I think it's the first main step in determining if I want to go NC. I can't go NC here.,.

[GaGrl]

It's really tough... .my DH's uNPD/BPD ex even told her daughter at one point, that she (daughter) was such a bad mother that uNPD/BPD was going to take daughter to court to get custody of the grandaughter.  That NEVER could have happened.  My stepdaughter is a wonderful, amazing woman and mother... .uNPD/BPD could never have won such as case.  But you can imagine the stress to hear something like that from your mother.

[MiserableDaughter]

I was chatting with my brother earlier. He is also driven crazy but his strategy is to jut say "uh huh" and agree with everything she says. She even insults his Fiancée to him saying "no onr would ever marry her." And he just agrees... .He says mom is only getting worse with time... .No better. So so true and so frightening.