Should I even try to help and how?

[achintobe]

I recently ended an intense 2 month relationship with a woman I had known casually from an establishment I frequent. I saw the red flags early and tried to tread lightly, but it was kinda exciting for a while. I broke up with her after an out-of-the blue phone call from her for no reason than to insult and criticize me. It was one of several that had become more frequent.

This was before I started learning about BPD and I have never seen so much written about a disorder that matched her exactly. Additional info: She is 43. She drinks to the point that it is clearly a problem (ok, alcoholic). She suffers from anxiety and scrounges up Xanax from others because her Rx won't be continued. When she was 5, her mother committed suicide, then when she was 29 her brother did as well. Another brother is in prison for various drug and assault charges. Her son us using heroin and MIA.

She is incredibly attractive but we have nothing in common. I feel sane compared to her. We slept together within days of seeing each other and then ongoing, but she was always drunk and I tired of it. Then she started distancing herself. She fit right in to the idealization/devaluation model. Two days after I ended it we had a nasty fight with name calling and shouting insults. I had my part in it and I did apologize directly. Next day I received 5 calls in 3 hours (didn't answer) with 3 identical messages. The first was nasty, the 2nd was mellow (after a couple drinks), and the 3rd was a drunk call. All said stay away, don't call or text, leave me alone, etc. I thought "no problem".

But then... .I learned about BPD. And now I feel bad after breaking it off especially after the life she had/has. I won't rekindle anything and we can't be "friends", but I feel compelled to do something - I know deep down somewhere she is a sweetheart. Should I even try to help? And if so how would I since I will respect her wishes for me to stay away from her? Any idea why 3 messages in one night all said the same thing? Could she maybe mean the opposite - really a cry for help?

[Turkish]

Hello achintobe,

I'm sorry that you went through that, but it's good that you are searching for answers. Substance abuse (self-harm, in a way) adds another level of confusion on top of PD traits. I have no doubt that there is a sweet woman in there. However, her dysfunctional coping mechanisms should be taken seriously. Unlike pwBPD (people with BPD), we don't see the world and people in black and white. That is to say, all good or all bad. You do see the goof in her. Despite the probability that she might be exhibiting a veiled cry for help, I would take her messages at face value. If you don't respond, it's possible that she could split you white. But she already did... .and split you black. This can be very confusing:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

The questions now are, what can you do to keep yourself safe, both physically and emotionally?

Turkish

[Aussie0zborn]

I admire your compassion but I must say you are lucky it was only two months. These relationships can destroy you, financially cripple you and isolate you... .and sometimes all of the above.

As kind as you are, you are not qualified to help. "Helping" in these cases means being used as a doormat, a punching bag, and much more. It means sacrificing your life to make someone else happy and this is a personality that can't make happy or help heal. Your efforts would more than likely be wasted and you will pay a huge price.

They never thank you for it and right now my ex lies to the courts and to the police with a view to putting me in jail. I haven't done anything to her and maintained total NC (No Contact) for 23 months now. But what I did do for her is what you are thinking of doing. In addition I raised her kids and gave them stability and a quality of life they could never have dreamed of. Now, I'm broke with my credit card over its limit and she's trying to put me in jail for the perceived abandonment that she herself initiated.

To give you an idea of how bad these situations can get, my ex claims I followed her in January (while I was overseas) and again in April (while I was overseas) and again a few weeks ago. I got arrested for that one but released without charge because my digital footprint (created by my iPhone) showed I was on the other side of town. But if I had forgotten my phone at home that day, I would not have been able to prove my whereabouts and I would be in jail right now... .for giving her what she wanted - "liberation" from the "years of abuse". (If you read these forums in detail you will soon work out which of the two parties in these relationships is the real victim).

Anyway, this is a club you don't want to join. Think long and hard about this. It's not your problem, you didn't cause it and you cant fix it. My experience is that my ex uBPDw hated me for the empathy I showed her and even resented me for it - she lapped it up but she hated it and saw this as a revolting weakness and a huge flaw in my character.

Save your energy for a healthy relationship where your efforts will be well received, highly respected and reciprocated. There is no need to lose yourself for anyone.

[achintobe]

Re: Splitting. Yet one more piece of information that confirms her disorder. Thinking back, everything was black or white. If that's the case, I think I will just leave it alone and chalk this all up to a lesson learned.

I'm not exactly devastated by the breakup since it was only 2 months, but given her family history of suicide and her other anxieties and problems I'm beating myself up over the way I ended things before I researched this stuff. I even sent flowers with another apology after all this happened just to let her know I meant know harm (no response expected, none received). I realize I cannot personally counsel or offer direct guidance or advice (she gets verbally abusive at the slightest perceived criticism anyway) but I didn't know if there was a way to suggest her getting help without violating her desire to be left alone.

Thank you for the input.